How to know

T

trallart

New member
I have been with one person my whole life, since middle school (in my thirties now). No game playing through my teens, twenties... How do you know when a girl is into you?
There is a co-worker that I have chatted with at work, i.e. on the work computer, for several months, mostly about her recent breakup with a long term BF and some other random subjects. We connected on FB a couple of months ago at her request. She is about 8 years younger than me. Yesterday we talked on FB all night about my long time ago life and her recent dating life. It really caught me by surprise, she was talking about her sex life. Like how good the last guy was and that she wanted me to know she was not a whore or anything for sleeping with this guy. it was fairly granular in detail, but we discussed her orgasm life and how her ex and her had it worked out for her.
No girl, or guy, has ever discussed anything remotely close to this with me. My wife and I have just recently (say 5-10 years) been able to have this level of discussion.
So, does this girl think of me like a male "girl friend"? Or could she have other thoughts? We have only talked in person for a few minutes and it was strictly work related. She went to another office out of state but we still work together.
I do feel like I have had to initiate conversation, which i am not comfortable with, to maintain contact. Really confusing to me.
 
I think it depends on the person. I know some people who are very shy about talking about sex. I know others who don't mind sharing orgasm details with practically strangers, because they're just so open. For myself, I'm pretty open about my sex life with my friends, who are both women and men, and this level of intimacy is indicative of the closeness of our friendship, not a sexual/romantic attraction.
 
I think you're jumping the gun a bit here. According to your other thread, you haven't actually come to any agreement with your wife about opening up your marriage. Still just talking about it, right? Well, these talks take time - they need to take time - and yet you are here asking how to date and how to tell if a woman is attracted to you. You're not ready!

Slow down. Don't talk about questionable topics with other women - you don't want to get caught up in an emotional affair before you and your wife have come to any agreements. Talk to your wife about all the possibilities, and make sure you and she are on the same page before taking any steps with other people. You may want to get the books Opening Up and More Than Two, and read them both together, discussing each chapter and the questions it brings up.
 
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I guess I wanted to know how to navigate the friendship. If she does want more, I would like to know so I can make more educated decisions on how we talk. My wife takes priority here. Like I said, I just don't know. Was the conversation such that I need to more closely regulate my involvement? Or was it just a friendly frank conversation about life? Those books are on my wishlist to get to soon.
 
I agree with nycindie. Put it to you this way: how would your wife feel if she knew you talked to this woman about her orgasms? That might be a good way to determine if your level of involvement is too much right now...

If you can't afford the books yet or are waiting on them to arrive, then check out their websites. If you google both of the books, you'll find tons of reading material and worksheets (at least with Opening Up) to get you started.

To be honest, I would have had a lot more difficulty talking about opening up with Roger in the beginning if I knew he had someone interested in mind.
 
I'm listening to another book now, sex before dawn. I am still trying to make sure what I feel is not abberrant.
I am not sure how to broach the conversation yesterday. It just came out of nowhere. I mean, I was chatting with her one day about finances, and she would not tell me her student loan debt. And to get into that subject mattter from where I thought we were as friends... I am not pleading innocence from all, but extenuating circumstance at least.
 
You are able to stop someone from continuing an inappropriate conversation, aren't you? Take responsibility. I mean, if some guy started telling you about the kiddie porn they enjoy looking at, would you let him keep going? No. More than likely, you would hold up your hand and say, "I don't want to hear about this." Having a conversation with a young co-worker about her orgasms, when you two are not involved, would fall under the "inappropriate" category.
 
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Thanks
It was an adult conversation, but it was not pornagraphic in nature. I felt like she wanted my perspective on why the guy was acting the he was. She said as much. "Orgasm" or lack of, or finishing too soon could have been mechanisms.
 
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I talked to my wife. She seems okay with the conversation I had. I did not feel like this girl was coming on to me or has feelings for me. I am just not sure I would pick up on those cues if they were presented to me.
 
Don't have sexual conversations with people you work with especially women. She could trust the conversation completely around and get you fired for sexual harassment or use it as blackmail. You will be guilty before being found innocent.
 
This is sound advice. It did not occur at work. I guess I had not even thought about it. I guarantee that would have been my first thought if I were observing from the outside.
 
Even though it didn't happen at work fraternizing with coworkers outside of work sexually in any form can bit you in the ass.

Say you piss her off at some point. All she could have to say is I am uncomfortable working with him and your professional reputation is destroyed.
 
I get the feeling this lady has lots of friends. I am not really on her radar. I hate it. I do like talking to her, I want friends that care about me and want to know about me. Our conversations were always my input into her decisions. Rarely would she ask anything about me. I guess it was pretty dumb to think that just out of the blue someone would give a rip about anything going on in my life. I guess this is not the right place for this, I was looking for a good friend or two. Some folks that would care as much as I do. I'm not talking about this forum, just the people in my life, or lack of.
 
Hi trallart,

Based on what I've read in this thread so far, I have to say the co-worker in question is probably *not* into you. She is just bold about talking about her own life.

Once things are worked out with your wife, hopefully someone out there will be into you. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
trallart said:
I get the feeling this lady has lots of friends. I am not really on her radar. I hate it. I do like talking to her, I want friends that care about me and want to know about me. Our conversations were always my input into her decisions. Rarely would she ask anything about me. I guess it was pretty dumb to think that just out of the blue someone would give a rip about anything going on in my life. I guess this is not the right place for this, I was looking for a good friend or two. Some folks that would care as much as I do. I'm not talking about this forum, just the people in my life, or lack of.
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I found this interesting to read in this context (the whole conversation here).

Personally, I have a profound need and longing for multiple very intimate connections in my life, be they romantic or platonic. And I often look at what most people seem to take as normal as a Martian would look at Earth Creatures ("Earthlings"). ... by which I mean, it seems to me that most folks don't seem to me to have deeply bonded and connected platonic friendships -- especially men, of course -- at least here in the USA where I live. In our culture, we tend to mix and blend deeply intimate, open, honest relating with "romance," and to conceive "romance" in monogamistic terms. I try my best to do neither.

One "litmus test" I enjoy (I almost said "use") is cuddling. In my weird little personal life, I take cuddling as one measure of how lovingly intimate I am with a friend or lover. If we are very close friends, odds are at some point I'll want to explore clothed, non-sexual cuddling with him or her.

But I'm a touch junky, and this is probably nothing more than an irrelevant tangent. ;)
 
River said:
.... most folks don't seem to me to have deeply bonded and connected platonic friendships -- especially men, of course -- at least here in the USA where I live. ..... I take cuddling as one measure of how lovingly intimate I am with a friend or lover. If we are very close friends, odds are at some point I'll want to explore clothed, non-sexual cuddling with him or her.
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I'd clarify and say that most folks don't cuddle with their deeply bonded platonic friends. Young women are more apt to, but no - lengthy cuddles are generally for lovers. That's what is behind the Cuddle Party idea, making a safe place for the very few adults who want to cuddle in a non-sexual way. Having a deeply bonded platonic friendship is standard for women, less standard but certainly not rare for men. Cuddling without sexual interest (unless you're a young-ish woman) is what's very unusual.

Upcoming Cuddle Parties if you're interested.
 
This is probably good news. I do not know how I would deal with someone that wanted to be with me and it would not be a good time to find out yet.
 
River said:
In our culture, we tend to mix and blend deeply intimate, open, honest relating with "romance," and to conceive "romance" in monogamistic terms. I try my best to do neither.
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I wish this were not the case too. I very much would enjoy non-sexual, non-romantic, but intimate friendships. Or, at some level, these parts of a relationship not rely on the others such that some aspects of the friendship could come and go without dragging the others with it.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I'd clarify and say that most folks don't cuddle with their deeply bonded platonic friends. Young women are more apt to, but no - lengthy cuddles are generally for lovers. That's what is behind the Cuddle Party idea, making a safe place for the very few adults who want to cuddle in a non-sexual way. Having a deeply bonded platonic friendship is standard for women, less standard but certainly not rare for men. Cuddling without sexual interest (unless you're a young-ish woman) is what's very unusual.

Upcoming Cuddle Parties if you're interested.
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While I tend to agree about the statistical speculations in this post, I would have to say that it does depend significantly on which culture we belong to -- or are forced to live within due to geographical status.

I suppose I am a kind of trail blazer, among trail blazers. We are the cuddly ones who are delighted to have non-sexual and non-romantic cuddle buddies ... as well as sexual and romantic cuddle buddies. We prefer to cuddle with our closest friends -- regardless of sexual orientation and all of the popular notions and assumptions that somehow cuddles are "supposed" to be "foreplay".

I'd cuddle with pretty much anyone in this forum, with delight. I love to cuddle, and cuddling has no more to do with sex to me than nakedness does -- and I also enjoy hanging out naked at hot tubs and hot springs and such. Naked does not mean sex. Nor does cuddling.

If anyone here is travelling through my neck of the woods and wants some nice wholesome non-sexual cuddles, look me up.:)
 
FallenAngelina said:
That's what is behind the Cuddle Party idea, making a safe place for the very few adults who want to cuddle in a non-sexual way. Having a deeply bonded platonic friendship is standard for women, less standard but certainly not rare for men. Cuddling without sexual interest (unless you're a young-ish woman) is what's very unusual.
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I think the desire (and certainly the need) for non-sexual (platonic) cuddling is vastly greater than the experience of it is. (Jimi Hindrex died far too young to have been very much experienced.)

Most people very literally don't know what they are missing, and organized Cuddle Parties will not help them very much, except to give them the faintest hint of possibilities with dear friends (who are not also lovers).

I, my friends, am very experienced.:)
 
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