I'm (she/her) in a long-term poly relationship with my partner Y (he/him). Y has a newish partner, X (she/her). Things have been going well and it looks like X could become a long-term partner for him.
I'm looking for advice/experiences/viewpoints on how to manage the approach to avoid HSV risk and (lack of) barriers. I know a lot comes down to personal risk tolerance and there are no right or wrong answers!
X has tested positive for both HSV-1 and HSV-2 (antibody testing). Her HSV-2 symptoms were mild enough to go initially unconfirmed. Her public healthcare provider wouldn't test her. She hasn't had symptoms ever since.
Y is negative for both (antibody testing).
My status is unknown. I've never been tested for either. I have never had any a known exposure, or any symptoms. My concerns are mainly focused on HSV-2, as I'm probably more likely to be asymptomatic carrier of HSV-1 than not. (Kissing people is fun.)
Somewhat complicating the situation is that I've got extremely low IgA-mediated immunity. According to my GP, this is a chronic condition that can result in various autoimmunity issues, as well as a poorer function of immunity, particularly in the mucous membranes (e.g. mouth & respiratory track, gut, and, you guessed it - genitals), which may affect my ability to resist and clear infections. This is a selective deficiency (my IgG level is normal, for example), so I don't consider myself immunocompromised. However, this makes me consider the HSV-2 risk as a potentially a bit more serious issue. That X had an easy time with it doesn't guarantee that I would.
Y and I are currently not using any barriers (fluid-bonded, if you wish) and we both really enjoy it. Y would obviously be happy if I felt like reintroducing barriers temporarily or more permanently, but I'd feel sad to do so for the foreseeable future.
X & Y have been using barriers for penetrative sex and oral sex (dental dams and condoms) but they do engage in kissing. Y feels that the barriers for oral are, therefore, pointless.
None of us currently have other partners that we would be sexual with, but we're not closed, so that may be something to consider, as well, as it's likely to happen sooner or later.
I'm currently leaning towards continuing to have unbarriered sex with Y unless he tests positive, in which case we can reassess. I'm aware that he may get a false positive, or have infected me before his next round of testing (every 3 months). I'm also aware that condoms and other barriers aren't a 100% protection against HSV.
I'm not sure how I feel about Y wanting to remove barriers for oral sex with X, particularly the dental dams, as my understanding is that he could still catch HSV-2 (vulva to mouth) and give it to me through unprotected (mouth to vulva) oral which could potentially cause recurrent outbreaks in me, if I'm unlucky and don't fight the virus as well as X. (My understanding is that HSV-1 is less likely to cause bothersome recurrent outbreaks in the genitalia, although it's not impossible. Correct me if I'm wrong.)
But maybe I should just suck it up, let them remove whichever barriers they want to remove, and accept that there will always be a risk of STIs if one is sexually active, and even if I got a more aggressive/recurrent case, it might suck, but I'm not going to die? Neither X or Y have any shown any sort of reckless behaviour (quite the contrary) so I don't believe they would have sex while prodromal/symptomatic because they don't care about my health, for instance. That would be out of character.
I would be very grateful for thoughts and viewpoints, as this is a somewhat new situation to me. Although none of us are new to poly, I've never had to look into HSV-2 risk management before and am cognizant that I may be missing some essential information about the topic.
I'm looking for advice/experiences/viewpoints on how to manage the approach to avoid HSV risk and (lack of) barriers. I know a lot comes down to personal risk tolerance and there are no right or wrong answers!
X has tested positive for both HSV-1 and HSV-2 (antibody testing). Her HSV-2 symptoms were mild enough to go initially unconfirmed. Her public healthcare provider wouldn't test her. She hasn't had symptoms ever since.
Y is negative for both (antibody testing).
My status is unknown. I've never been tested for either. I have never had any a known exposure, or any symptoms. My concerns are mainly focused on HSV-2, as I'm probably more likely to be asymptomatic carrier of HSV-1 than not. (Kissing people is fun.)
Somewhat complicating the situation is that I've got extremely low IgA-mediated immunity. According to my GP, this is a chronic condition that can result in various autoimmunity issues, as well as a poorer function of immunity, particularly in the mucous membranes (e.g. mouth & respiratory track, gut, and, you guessed it - genitals), which may affect my ability to resist and clear infections. This is a selective deficiency (my IgG level is normal, for example), so I don't consider myself immunocompromised. However, this makes me consider the HSV-2 risk as a potentially a bit more serious issue. That X had an easy time with it doesn't guarantee that I would.
Y and I are currently not using any barriers (fluid-bonded, if you wish) and we both really enjoy it. Y would obviously be happy if I felt like reintroducing barriers temporarily or more permanently, but I'd feel sad to do so for the foreseeable future.
X & Y have been using barriers for penetrative sex and oral sex (dental dams and condoms) but they do engage in kissing. Y feels that the barriers for oral are, therefore, pointless.
None of us currently have other partners that we would be sexual with, but we're not closed, so that may be something to consider, as well, as it's likely to happen sooner or later.
I'm currently leaning towards continuing to have unbarriered sex with Y unless he tests positive, in which case we can reassess. I'm aware that he may get a false positive, or have infected me before his next round of testing (every 3 months). I'm also aware that condoms and other barriers aren't a 100% protection against HSV.
I'm not sure how I feel about Y wanting to remove barriers for oral sex with X, particularly the dental dams, as my understanding is that he could still catch HSV-2 (vulva to mouth) and give it to me through unprotected (mouth to vulva) oral which could potentially cause recurrent outbreaks in me, if I'm unlucky and don't fight the virus as well as X. (My understanding is that HSV-1 is less likely to cause bothersome recurrent outbreaks in the genitalia, although it's not impossible. Correct me if I'm wrong.)
But maybe I should just suck it up, let them remove whichever barriers they want to remove, and accept that there will always be a risk of STIs if one is sexually active, and even if I got a more aggressive/recurrent case, it might suck, but I'm not going to die? Neither X or Y have any shown any sort of reckless behaviour (quite the contrary) so I don't believe they would have sex while prodromal/symptomatic because they don't care about my health, for instance. That would be out of character.
I would be very grateful for thoughts and viewpoints, as this is a somewhat new situation to me. Although none of us are new to poly, I've never had to look into HSV-2 risk management before and am cognizant that I may be missing some essential information about the topic.