How to show commitment to the non spouse partner

S

SquishyHusk

Member
Is there any tradition or standard for showing a non-spouse partner that you are committed to them? The equivalent of a wedding ring?
I am married, and we are considering adding my wife's close friend to our family. I'm not interested in an open relationship, but I am open to a long-term, committed relationship with a close friend that we want to be an everyday part of our family.
Since we can't get married, I'd at least like to give her a ring or something.
Or is this just be being weird and trying to apply my traditional values on a non-traditional arrangement?
 
Hello SquishyHusk,

You can always do a handfasting/commitment ceremony. You can get a ring to signify your commitment (to the non-spouse partner). You can proclaim your vows without the legal certificate. This is what I and my two poly companions did. We wrote our own vows, and exchanged rings between the three of us. There's no reason you can't do the same.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
SquishyHusk said:
Is there any tradition or standard for showing a non-spouse partner that you are committed to them? The equivalent of a wedding ring?
I am married, and we are considering adding my wife's close friend to our family. I'm not interested in an open relationship, but I am open to a long-term, committed relationship with a close friend that we want to be an everyday part of our family.
Since we can't get married, I'd at least like to give her a ring or something.
Or is this just be being weird and trying to apply my traditional values on a non-traditional arrangement?
Click to expand...
What will be their role in the family? How do you define family, and what status does a “non-spouse partner” have? If it’s truly the equivalent of a wedding ring, how about a wedding ring?

I’m a little worried about the way you say “we are considering adding” [a grown adult] “to our family.”

Instead of becoming “an everyday part of our family” they might want to be seen as a partner in building a (whole new) family that’s equally theirs from the beginning. That might be a better symbol of their cherished status than a ring.

Just my thoughts. Recyclable if not needed!
 
As well as a symbolic ceremony, such as a handfasting, there is also the possibility of creating a trust or company for legal and financial purposes, to give everyone equal shares in the communal property and/or tax benefits. You would need to discuss this with your accountant and or lawyer to ensure everyone is protected equally, especially if your common law marriage (de facto relationship) laws do not recognise more than two people.
 
As far as a physical sign of commitment, there are actually these things called "forever jewelry"
basically you have a bracelet welded onto your wrist, so you'd have to break it to get it off. some of them look really cool, but they're usually not very masculine looking if that's a concern.
you have to set up an appointment to have it put on, so that could be a fun lil commitment ceremony vibe. like getting a tattoo together.
 
SlowPoly said:
What will be their role in the family? How do you define family, and what status does a “non-spouse partner” have?
Click to expand...
Her role is a mother to my child and a best friend to my wife. Wife and her are in love, and exploring that. She is also a wife to me in the sense that she keeps the house. She is open to us exploring a physical relationship. How do I define family? I guess that's what we are - people that care about each other and support each other.
SlowPoly said:
I’m a little worried about the way you say “we are considering adding” [a grown adult] “to our family.”
Click to expand...
It would be more accurate to say that she is a part of our family and we are considering making it official with legal recognition.
SlowPoly said:
Just my thoughts. Recyclable if not needed!
Click to expand...
Your comments are welcomed! This is all brand new to me and I need all the advice I can get.
 
I just want her to feel secure. We ask nothing from her, and that is hard for her. She is accustomed to love being conditional and I'm searching for ways to reassure her that she is welcome and wanted and that this is "home"
I resented her at first. An intruder in my home and marriage. I could see my wife was falling in love and it hurt me. I viewed her as a rival.
After taking to a therapist and doing a lot of reflection on things that are hard to face, I have decided that this is the path forward.
Having Friend helping out when I was away probably saved my wife from a complete breakdown. Her help was necessary. I can't blame anyone that they developed feelings. The infidelity hurts, but I'm moving past it. I can set how we are stronger together and I want to acknowledge Friend's contribution to the strength of the family.
 
Everyone is different and the less secure a person is, the more they want legal “guarantees” even though it won’t really make a person feel more secure. Only they can change their thinking to achieve that feeling through self work and maybe therapy.

a commitment is usually spoken, well defined so both parties are clear on what that commitment actually is, and sticking to it no matter what.

Beyond that, nothing is needed. Some people would like a symbol of that commitment (like I do) such as a ring, tattoos, etc. and some want legal paperwork. You can choose to have a joint bank account (as well as solo accounts) power of attorneys for healthcare or finances, establish a trust that they are beneficiaries of, etc. I encourage you to really explore legal decisions before making them though. You can have a very committed, lifelong relationship without any of these things. Proof of that is being there for them through those rough times and always restating your commitment to them and the relationship.
 
She decided on her own to buy a ring to wear like a wedding band to show her commitment to us and as a signal that she is off the market. I must say, it warms my heart that she feels this way.
 
That's really sweet of her. It sounds like your bond with her is growing.
 
Some like more entanglement as a form of commitment, some need a ring, some need a legal document. For me commitment is all in the actions and showing up for the good, bad and the ugly.
I have no interest in marriage or too much entanglement, but I show them my commitment by being there. If my partners would ask me for more commitment, I would suggest a special necklace or a ring would suffice, or maybe buy a vacation property together. For everyone it's different.
 
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