Thanks for addressing the original topic, Marcus! I was quite interested to hear people's ideas about dynamics that arise in relationships that go on for a long time--less so in considering questions of selflessness.
Your point about relationships being valuable no matter their duration is very well taken! It's something I really believe in, but often forget to bring up.
Let’s be real. Love can only get you so far. You can’t just rely on love alone to carry you through decades of hardship. That’s why you need to form mutual trust and respect with your partner, because when love fails, you’ll have something to fall back on. Your relationship won’t become a mess and will continue on ‘til you’ve rediscovered the spark that ignited your love from the start.
I'm naturally a very trusting person, maybe too trusting with some people. And I'm dating somebody who is not naturally very trusting. I like to think that if two people are very close, then they can take a sort of leap of faith and trust each other, whereas she thinks that it's not rational to trust somebody, especially in certain areas, unless you've known them a very long time. She also thinks mystery is beautiful and so in some sense does not like to trust people too easily. My brother concurs with this first view, saying that trust in some areas can only built through "trial by fire."
What does everyone think -- are there ways to explicitly work to build trust that make a big difference, or is trust mostly just developed by knowing somebody for a long time?
Except when they don't. Or, in my case, except when the dynamic between the two of you changes over 17 years of marriage. Then, the habits you learn when subsuming yourself to the relationship just end up hurting you when you find it almost impossible to advocate for yourself when you need to. Or, your partner scoffs at it because "we've never had to do that before."
It might feel sweet and romantic early on, but it really does everyone in the relationship a disservice in the long run, IMO.
I love my partner and I want him to be the best person he can be. But I also love myself, and I'm not getting squashed again in the process of lifting him up.
Caring for someone else and not yourself isn't love, it is obsession. You can't really love someone else without loving yourself first. Or you'd just be inflicting an unhappy person on the other - not exactly an act of love, is it?
"What does everyone think -- are there ways to explicitly work to build trust that make a big difference, or is trust mostly just developed by knowing somebody for a long time?"
I think that trust is built a little bit at a time, by showing someone, through your actions, that you'll do as you say you'll do. And maybe trust is never 100%, it just approaches 100% closer and closer over time.
What does everyone think -- are there ways to explicitly work to build trust that make a big difference, or is trust mostly just developed by knowing somebody for a long time?
