How to Stay Happy in a Long Relationship

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atruelove2015

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When a new relationship begins, it can be full of fluff and rainbows and all the good things that little boys and little girls dream of, but as time goes on, every relationship will eventually have their own challenges and hurdles that couples need to face together.

Ask any happy couple who have lasted fifty years, ten, or even just one year and they’ll hint at issues that they’ve had to work out together. But how do they do it? How do people make relationships last for decades? To understand that, let’s talk about how to stay happy in a long relationship.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common relationship advice:

Communication Is Key

Relationships are about mutual understanding. Most problems in relationships can often be avoided by talking to your partner as most problems arise from misunderstandings. Talk to your partner about anything and everything.

Having open communication builds trust between you and your partner, and since people can change over the years, keeping your connection with your partner becomes more vital so they can understand any changes going on in your life.

Always Trust and Respect Your Partner

Let’s be real. Love can only get you so far. You can’t just rely on love alone to carry you through decades of hardship. That’s why you need to form mutual trust and respect with your partner, because when love fails, you’ll have something to fall back on. Your relationship won’t become a mess and will continue on ‘til you’ve rediscovered the spark that ignited your love from the start.

Try Something New Together

There are so many things to do in the world that can’t all be done in a single lifetime. Keep your relationship fresh and exciting by trying new things! Don’t let your relationship become stale and boring.

Bring your partner along with you when there’s a new place in town to visit or a new activity to do. Go out of your comfort zone and break away from the usual stuff that you and your partner are used to.

Go watch a bad movie and laugh together about how terrible it is. Travel to a different country and experience a different culture together. Heck, try a new position in bed to keep things interesting. Try anything to keep your relationship working.
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Optimism is a great motivator. When you meet dark moments in your relationship, shine some light on it by looking at the upside of what’s happening. It’s no use trying to intensify an issue as that’ll only make it harder for you and your partner.

If there’s nothing you can do about it, look at it from a different perspective and appreciate the good things that came out of it. There’s always something positive about any situation. You just need to look at a problem from a different angle. Blaming your partner will only make it worse.

Even if it’s their fault, try to make fun of it so it’ll be easier for them to make it up to you. Likewise, if you were in the wrong, accept responsibility and look forward to the make-up cuddle the both of you will have while watching a random, forgettable movie on Netflix.

These are just some of the common tips on how to stay happy in a long relationship. What other things do you do to stay happy in a long relationship? Share your thoughts and let’s have a discussion about it. Comment below or message me!
 
A few more...

Be Adaptable

People change over time. If you want to stay with someone over the long term, expect them to grow and change, and be willing to learn what this new version of them is all about. Your relationship will shift as time goes on, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe you'll fall in love with this familiar stranger all over again.

Appreciate the Little Things

Look for things you enjoy and appreciate about your partner. Be a noticer. And express your appreciation and affection for them (in words if that's your jam; in other ways if not). Don't take them for granted. Don't let yourself get complacent.

Do Stuff Together

Having new recreational experiences together is one aspect, but there are other possibilities. Work on a big project together. (I consider co-parenting to fall along these lines, for instance, but maybe you're more into renovating a house together or co-writing a book.) Learn something new together.
 
Good advice on this thread so far.
 
I think you're right it comes down to communication and long term compatibility.

I think your list of suggestions is very reasonable but I wonder where the line of codependency is or are these suggestions to do with an outside partner to give some separation in the host relationship?


I think it's worthy to note that many poly people beleive every relationship has a self life and thus they refuse to live miserably for years and years if things aren't working. I think having that understanding would help quite a bit.
 
I totally agree with everything so far. I'll add a provocative new idea.

How do you know if you really love your partner, of one year or ten? Try this:

Stop caring about yourself, and care only for your partner. If you can't do that, then you don't really love your partner, or you love yourself more.

If your partner loves you, your partner will notice and reciprocate. :)

In a good long-term mono or poly relationship, I think everyone loves and cares for and serves the other person, less so themselves. This way, there is cooperation, co-dependency, love, sympathy, and so on.
Sounds like a pinko hippie concept, right?

Husband grew up around women and girls, not men and boys, so he understands. He's not aggressive, competitive, arrogant, selfish. He's a softie, definitely a lover not a fighter. But we're not in the Dark Ages anymore, right? He knows how to use his member and his shotgun, and those are the only 'manly' qualities I need. Otherwise, I think the naturally caring, feminine, protective and cooperative qualities should and will predominate in any long-term relationship. ;)
 
JackieJ said:
Stop caring about yourself, and care only for your partner. If you can't do that, then you don't really love your partner, or you love yourself more.
Click to expand...
That is some of the worst relationship advice I've ever seen.
 
Everyone has different ways of staying happy in ANY relationship. There is no "one size fits all." To pronounce that, if you don't love your partner(s) MORE than yourself, then you don't really love them, just doesn't sit right.

I've also never seen "co-dependency" as a positive attribute for a relationship.
 
I know I say silly and outrageous things, and I'm rough around the edges. That's my personality, I'm very outgoing, unfiltered, controversial. I'm trying to stir the pot, start an exciting discussion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to impose my views on anyone. I want some disagreement. Disagreement is interesting. I want to hear views other than my own.

But really, how is my advice "the worst advice ever"? Do you actually have a logical reason? :confused:

If you want to disagree with me, great, but please provide a coherent, logical reason so I can actually learn something, not just "worst advice ever." Great, thanks, very helpful...
 
I've never understood the concept of argument for the sake of argument.

I wouldn't have even chimed in on this thread except for my belief that your assertation that you should love your partner(s) MORE than yourself or it isn't love, is dangerous. Also, the declaration that co-dependency is positive is just misguided.

My sister loved her fiancé more than she loved herself, or anyone else. She did stupid things for him. She broke the law for him. She waited for him to get out of prison and financed an apartment for the both of them. She was hopelessly CO-DEPENDENT.

Guess what? Three weeks after he got out of prison, he strangled her to death.

So, there's your "exciting discussion."
 
OK, I see your point, some people have had very bad experiences. I'm sorry to hear that. :(

But I also said that if you act generously and selflessly, you will soon see your partner acting generously and selflessly as well, and your relationship will progress to a higher level.

Or, you will soon realize that your partner is just taking advantage of you/taking you for a ride. Then your relationship cannot progress regardless of how much you want it to.

I suggested being generous and selfless for a change (radical idea, I know) to see if your partner feels the same way about you, and to see if you can take the relationship to the next level. :)

I NEVER said you should ignore all the red flags (which do not accumulate overnight) and sign a suicide/homicide pact.

-

Why do you have a forum anyway, if not to DISCUSS?

Is this a forum or just a journal? I think this is a forum, anyone can keep a journal at home

What's the point if everyone is so touchy and easily offended over nothing? Are we adults who can enjoy a good conversation and safe learning experience with different opinions, or are we a bunch of bitter, jaded old people who already know everything and expect everyone to agree with us?
 
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Oops, double post, see previous post
 
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JackieJ, if you had been here for more than a hot minute, you would see that many, many different topics are intelligently discussed on this board, often with lively dissent.

I didn't even necessarily agree with the OP's post on this thread, as I give a side-eye to anyone who thinks they know the "secret" to a long-lasting relationship. However, I left that post alone, because it seemed harmless and very generic; when is communication NOT considered the cornerstone to a successful relationship?

However, your post was different. You asserted (rather smugly it seemed) that, unless you love another more than yourself, it's not "really" love.

Maybe you don't realize how arrogant that sounded. Not to mention potentially harmful. THEN, to follow up with the suggestion that "selflessness" is a rather radical act only practiced by an enlightened few was just the icing on the cake. Selflessness is NOT good. As one of our most respected members on this board reminds us, you can love someone a whole lot, even up to 49%, but you need to love YOURSELF that remaining 51%.

It's always a good idea to study the general tenor of a group before jumping in. I read this forum for a good year before I felt I was ready to participate.

Sure, there are bitter, old people on this board; there are all types of people here. I will find myself openly dissenting with fellow posters on certain matters, while agreeing with the same people on other topics. It happens around here all the time and respect, for the most part, reigns. We have mods to step in when things get out of hand. They don't have to do it often, and we haven't had someone banned in quite some time.

Before you stomp off in a huff that we are a bunch of meanies, just take a second to reflect on how your posts might have come across to others. I know I've stepped in it a few times and had to eat some crow. Maybe deliberately "stirring the pot" is not the best way to go, right off the bat?
 
Fair enough, no offense taken on my part :)

I'm assertive, yes. I apologize if I came/come across as arrogant or smug. That is definitely not my intention. Feels like a repeat of high school

One more point, food for thought:

My impression is that a truly loving mono or poly relationship is relatively uncommon. People seem to love themselves more than each other. Our society and all the girly magazines encourage us to be selfish.
I agree with loving yourself and respecting yourself, but there is definitely a difference between a real lover/soul mate/loving life partner (rare enough, agreed) and a friend/partner/husband with benefits.

Mutual selfless love is real, and definitely brings out the best in both people. It takes time to get there, obviously, and has to be mutual.

Here's an extreme dilemma, since people around here aren't afraid of extreme examples:

Would your partner ever sacrifice himself to save your life?
Would you ever sacrifice yourself to save your partner's life?

Using your logic, you would answer NO, because you love yourself more.

So then is that real love? Love of partner or country or humanity?

Deep questions, sorry if that bothers some people
 
Re:
"Would you ever sacrifice yourself to save your partner's life?"
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That's hard to think about. I hope it'll never come to that. If it did I'd hope I'd have the guts to sacrifice myself, but I can't know that's what I'd do without being in that situation.
 
Again, you are coming off as arrogant. Per your standard, unless you are "selfless" in regards to your partner(s), that is not "real love."

Would I die for my husband? I wouldn't know unless it came down to it. Really, NO ONE knows, unless faced with it. Every situation is different. Does that mean I don't deeply and truly love him? Nope. I can say with conviction that I truly love my husband.

However, I am also a daughter and a mother. If I sacrifice myself, my parents would have lost two children, and my son and daughter will have lost their mother. If I DON'T sacrifice myself for my husband, would I be able to live with myself?

You make these pronouncements regarding "true love" as gospel. What really makes you an expert? What makes ANYONE an expert regarding what "true love" is or isn't?

Wait; there are no experts when it comes to what comprises love. You are no more enlightened or "in love" than any of us mere mortals.
 
I'm just asking questions, I never said I had all the answers

Children can complicate or simplify things

So would you ever sacrifice yourself to save your children?
Would your husband ever sacrifice himself to save you?
Would your husband ever sacrifice himself to save your children?

Obviously in a rare extreme situation, hopefully hypothetical

Think about the depth of your love if you wish, or don't think about it. It isn't arrogant to ask questions. It isn't arrogant to come up with answers, either. Someone has to. Let's hear 'em, they don't have to be the same

I thought a good example of selfless love would be a family in wartime/disaster/emergency. Now I'm doubting that example ("uhhh, I have to think about it...")

Please don't think too long
 
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atruelove2015 said:
To understand that, let’s talk about how to stay happy in a long relationship.
Click to expand...

How to stay happy in a Long Relationship (my list):

1. Let go of the idea of a relationship needing to last for a given amount of time to be valuable.

2. Enjoy aspects of the relationship that are authentic and come without strain, let everything else go.

3. Own your own shit, and stick to boundaries about not taking on other peoples shit.

JackieJ said:
Stop caring about yourself, and care only for your partner. If you can't do that, then you don't really love your partner, or you love yourself more.
Click to expand...

I can't figure out what you are saying here. What does "stop caring about yourself" practically look like?

On its face, I agree with Emm. This advice would seem to be suggesting becoming a fully co-dependent doormat in order to accomplish "real love". Is that actually what you are proposing?

JackieJ said:
I'm trying to stir the pot
Click to expand...

It reads that way.

I suggest discussing things that are actually going on and that you want to discuss. This whole "devils advocate" thing will most likely continue to be met with irritation.

If all else fails, be authentic.
 
My husband would probably not sacrifice himself for me. His fear of the unknown after death would probably overwhelm his desire to protect me. It depends on the situation, though. I think he would try but fail, I guess.

I would try to save Hubby or Boy, but ultimately they are adults who should be able to protect themselves so... If there was a high probability we would both/all die, I'd let them go so my child wouldn't lose both parents.

I would do everything in my power to save my child. Period. Even if it killed both of us instead of just her. Hubby would do the same despite his fears. Boy, who isn't a parental figure to her at all, would do the same. Our love for her very much includes an all encompassing need to protect her from serious harm.

If it was something like giving them an organ or something, we would all weigh the risks and do it if possible.

This is an interesting one to think about.
 
Thanks for the intellectual discussion/entertainment :)

I appreciate the direct responses

My words come out easily, explaining them is more difficult

I guess by "stop caring about yourself," I really meant "stop worshiping yourself and think about someone else for a change". Of course, I don't mean don't love yourself or don't respect yourself or don't wash, please do, that's very important. I just mean to be 'other person/people-centered' instead of 'self-centered'. This should be MUTUAL, not just lay down and be a doormat. I said the other person should reciprocate.

I know that not everyone wants a long-term relationship. Of course many people prefer a shorter fling with no strings attached, easy come, easy go. That must be interesting, but I imagine? that would eventually be unfulfilling/emotionally unsatisfying for an introspective person. Maybe not, and maybe not everyone is introspective.

I have to say that me and the members of my group have experienced plenty of sudden change, death, heartbreak, confusion, and dysfunction early in life. We are afraid of sudden death and big changes. That's why we idealize, identify with, and are interested in stable long-term relationships, in whatever form they may be. We had enough G-forces early in life, so we prefer a long, smooth, coasting ride (that's just our thing, anyway).
 
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