How to tell if a therapist is worth working with

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opalescent

Active member
So I'm starting therapy soon in the new year. I've contacted a few folks and hope to arrange first meetings soon. A friend on the board suggested I make sure to keep looking until I find a good fit in a therapist. I thought this was wise advice. However, I've never been in therapy and realized that I don't know what a 'good fit' for a therapist would be for me. I realize it is rather individual. I also trust my instincts - I think I would know if someone is actively bad for me. But the more subtler gradations may escape me because of lack of experience. So any ideas, thoughts and suggestions are welcome! What have been people's experiences - good, bad and indifferent? (I worry a bit about settling for an indifferent therapist out of ignorance.) What should I look for? Avoid like plague?
 
I've been lucky. Out of all therapists I've seen, there was only one I wanted nothing more to do with after a few sessions.

And there was one I had that was extra good, never batted an eye at queer issues, polyamory, homeschooling I was doing, etc.

My gf has seen 2 therapists at Fenway Health in Boston, who are great, since the entire medical practice (medical, behavioral, even dental and eyecare) specializes in queer issues.

The one I left? Told me, "married people shouldn't get crushes on anyone else."

Most ridiculous thing I ever heard: "Shouldn't feel something?" Subtle slut shaming? Bye bye.
 
I think the biggest red flag would be a therapist who tells you what you 'should' or 'should not' feel or do. they are supposed to guide you through your own process, not dictate your feelings or morality or actions.

I have seen a few therapists over the years, most have been good (ie I feel like they helped me work through the issues I wanted help with). One, though, was so bad I didn't go back even once. I actually still feel slightly traumatised by the experience, and it was two years ago! But one has become an important part of my life, dealing with not just the issue(s) I started seeing her about, but stretching outside of her original focus to help me with the death of my father and now with starting this new relationship ('oh, poly? My niece is poly!).

Which brings up the second red flag... you shouldn't have to teach your therapist about your issue. I'm ignoring this one with my therapist because we have such a long term relationship, and because her niece is poly so she had already started learning about it, but in general you shouldn't.
 
Hi opalescent,

Definitely tap into your own instincts when interacting with a therapist. But you have the added advantage of tapping into the instincts of this forum -- with whatever bits of your sessions you're willing to post here. Heck you can even message people privately if you want. The idea is that, like if I know a certain therapist said or did this or that, the knowledge will trigger the instincts I have (combined with the experience I've had with various counselors).

I've actually had good experiences with most of the therapists I've seen and describing my poly situation to them. One therapist was fascinated with poly and wanted to learn more about it. If that happens to you, you can refer them to the following:

You can also refer them to this forum as long as you feel comfortable doing so.

An ideal therapist would be a rare combination of someone who could help you feel good about yourself and simultaneously inspire you to rise to greater heights. I suppose those would be the two main things to look for. It's also important for them to be very honest. No mind games; no manipulation. If you see that sort of thing, run for the hills.
 
A2Poly said:
Which brings up the second red flag... you shouldn't have to teach your therapist about your issue. I'm ignoring this one with my therapist because we have such a long term relationship, and because her niece is poly so she had already started learning about it, but in general you shouldn't.
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While I understand the idea behind this red flag, I would add a caveat to it. If you feel good about the therapist, feel comfortable with them, and it seems like they are willing to learn (especially if they seem like they are willing to do research on their own), I'd give them a chance. It's hard for me to feel comfortable enough with people to share my deepest, darkest feelings with them. I've been seeing my therapist off and on for 16 years. I went ten or more years between visits, during which time my entire life changed (no longer Mormon, my marriage opened up). He knew nothing about polyamory but since I had trusted him so much before, after emailing him to see if it'd bother him that my relationship was open, I decided to give him a try again. It's been fairly obvious he's done research on his own about poly, since on our second visit he was using terms I hadn't told him. Do I have to explain things to him sometimes? Yes, but that's worth it to me because I feel like I trust him. It wouldn't be useful to me to have to find a new therapist and wade through the whole getting to know them stage, having visits that weren't productive because I didn't trust them enough to work on anything but shallow issues.

However, if the therapist seems unwilling to search out knowledge on their own and you spend all of your sessions educating them about poly and kink, I agree that it is a red flag. Thankfully with my therapist it's only been little asides to make sure he really understands where I'm coming from. We've never spent even a quarter of a session on me educating him. Usually it's a question from him, a few sentence answer from me, and we're back into the flow of the session and on the main topic again. And given that polyamory can be so different for each person, I'd probably have those asides with a knowledgeable poly therapist anyway, to explain how polyamory works in our lives.
 
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It should probably be a 'yellow flag' = proceed with caution. :)

But like you, Hannahfluke, I have a long standing relationship with my therapist. Seeing a new therapist for the first time? Hmmm. I guess if you had a really good feeling about them, maybe it would be worth the effort. Idk. Tough call.
 
A2Poly said:
It should probably be a 'yellow flag' = proceed with caution. :)

But like you, Hannahfluke, I have a long standing relationship with my therapist. Seeing a new therapist for the first time? Hmmm. I guess if you had a really good feeling about them, maybe it would be worth the effort. Idk. Tough call.
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I agree, my caveat is probably influenced by the fact I've known my therapist a long time. However, I started seeing him right after I stopped seeing another therapist. I had seen that other therapist through the Mormon counseling system that church has set up. I saw him the maximum number of times that therapist can see a patient through that system without special permission (it's apparently supposed to be short term help, 12 visit limit). Since I had an appointment through a pain clinic with a new therapist (the one I still see) a few days later, I told the old therapist to hold off on getting special permission to continue seeing me until I saw how I clicked with the new therapist. I trusted the new therapist after the first visit more than I trusted the Mormon one after 12 visits. Sometimes you really do just click right away with someone. That's why it's probably more of a yellow flag than a red one for me, in terms of the therapist not being knowledgeable about poly. Plus there are a lot more unknowledgeable therapists than knowledgeable ones, given how hidden poly was until fairly recently.
 
I've been fortunate with therapists since I moved to the Boston area. I've only had one--who saw Hubby and me for marriage counseling--who was a complete waste of time; he told me that I had no right to expect Hubby to actually pay attention to my kids and me, and that I should just be happy Hubby brought in the paycheck and not ask for anything more.

He also told me I shouldn't try to be "the best mother I can be", I should just try for mediocre.

We saw him three times, then I refused to go back. This was a couple months before Hubby and I opened the marriage.

But the other therapists I saw, at the same clinic, were open and supportive to just about everything, and when we opened our marriage, as well as when I came out as poly and transitioned from having an FWB to having a long-term relationship, my individual therapist actually praised me for "identifying the problems and issues with your sex life and relationship and finding a solution that works for you and your husband."

The point being, just as in any occupation, there are good therapists and not-so-good ones, and ones you'll get along well with and ones you won't. It's important to make sure you click with a therapist on a comfort level, as well as working with someone who understands your needs and either understands or is open to learning about and accepting the way you live. But it's also important not to give up if you have a negative experience; keep looking for the therapist that will fit with you.
 
Well, I have contacted a few therapists and have some appointments set up. I will carry everyone's wise ideas with me as I explore therapy for the first time. Thanks so much!
 
Oh, I wanted to post earlier, but then got sidetracked.

I've been in therapy several times. Firstly, I don't like going to an initial consultation "cold." I like to call a therapist and ask them about their approach and how they work before scheduling anything. If they don't want to take five or ten minutes on the phone with me to give me an idea what they are about, or to ask a little about me, I won't make an appointment.

Once there, I need to feel that how I express myself is understood by the therapist. If they consistently misconstrue my words, give advice that doesn't make sense to me, and need me to reiterate what I said over and over in different ways before they get it (this has happened!), we obviously have incompatible ways of communicating. I don't mind explaining what I mean once in a while, but I want someone who gets me without my having to explain myself again and again and again. Not just because it's frustrating, but because I am paying for that time, and that time and money are wasted if I am spending a lot of it rephrasing what is bothering me.

Right now I am not in therapy, but am working with a personal organizer who comes into my home (a vulnerable position for me!) and helps me with my clutter and chronic disorganization, and she gets what I am about immediately - so the hours we spend together are very productive.

I think another thing that is important is empathy and compassion, and a therapist who makes good suggestions on how to handle or deal with whatever issues you have going on. I have worked with a therapist who was very analytically-oriented, and some that are all about re-examining my past and shitty childhood, etc., and that is fine (they need some background info, after all), but I like the aspect of having a place to fall apart a little in the here and now, where it isn't all about fixing me or analyzing me, but letting me have an outlet, where I am treated gently if I need it. However, I can be a bit self-indulgent in that way, so they also have to have good sense of boundaries and know when to say the thing that will snap me out of it. If they let me vent but will not let me wallow and then give me "assignments" so I am accountable to them, or help me find ways to create new options or perspectives for myself, it seems to work best.

You are only going to get a sense of these types of things after a few sessions, I think. If you don't find a therapist that you click with, you may want to look into a life coach where the focus is more about setting goals and accomplishing them, rather than digging up the past and analyzing things to death.
 
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Thanks nycindie! Helpful ideas.

I actually initially thought that working with a life coach would be a good idea. However, these are issues where I've been stuck for decades on my own. If setting a goal and working toward it would have resolved the issues, I would be in a much better place right now. I'm good at setting goals and moving towards them. But I'm at a point where I am so far from setting goals. I feel I need to do some deep emotional work to figure this stuff out.

That said, I've given myself a year to make significant progress (as defined by me). I am determined not to get stuck in unproductive therapy.
 
Opal, I applaud you stepping out of your comfort zone and deciding to delve into your emotions.

Just want to say, you relating your experiences to mine when giving me advice never bothered me, in fact, it has helped me.

But carry on.
 
I have therapy for the first time tomorrow. Meeting potential therapists and all. I find myself really nervous and scared. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or how to act.
 
Be yourself as much as possible. Don't try to force anything. Just make a point to be candid about how you really feel. And don't decide on any one particular therapist until you've had some time to reflect by yourself.

Keep in mind, therapists are as human as the rest of us. They're just at work, doing the job they trained to do. Clock in, clock out. Don't be intimidated by their fancy degrees; everyone spends their time in life learning something.

Let us know how tomorrow goes.
 
opalescent said:
I have therapy for the first time tomorrow. Meeting potential therapists and all. I find myself really nervous and scared. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or how to act.
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At the beginning I tended to approach it like I'm meeting an old acquaintance for coffee. A little 'catching up' (or exposition: who's who and what's what) and then - if comfortable - get deeper.

Because I've known her for so long now, I know when my therapist is hearing things she thinks I need to work on because she gets more 'chatty' asks more directive questions, etc. but most of the time now it feels like coffee with a friend. Those good coffees where you rearrange the world, and come out feeling better for it. Djinn's therapist gives her 'homework' (write 10 things you like about yourself, etc) which would drive me nuts, but really seems to work for her. I think it's different for each therapist, and with each patient. Just like every relationship is unique!

My advice? Go in and open with 'this makes me really nervous' and see how they deal with that! I suspect it makes everyone nervous at first. It does me, for sure!
 
Oh, Opalescent, you'll be fine! A good therapist will do or say what they can to be welcoming, and help you feel at least as comfortable as is necessary for you to tell them what you're there for. I agree that a good way to start would be to let them know that you have never been to a therapist before, are nervous, and not quite sure what you're supposed to do. The therapist might begin with a brief overview of how they work, or will just ask you a bunch of questions to get some background. Ultimately, you'll need to let him or her know what you want to work on or look at. They might give you feedback or suggestions, or might not until after a few sessions.

If you remember that the therapist is there to assist you, and if you think of him or her as your ally, it will make it easier to relax and talk.
 
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kdt, A2poly, nycindie,

The advice and reassurance really helped. Thank you. Both appointments went well. I think either of the people I met with can help me. I decided to make another appointment with the the one closest to me. The other one was a bit of a drive. So I am currently excited and hopeful.
 
opalescent said:
kdt, A2poly, nycindie,

The advice and reassurance really helped. Thank you. Both appointments went well. I think either of the people I met with can help me. I decided to make another appointment with the the one closest to me. The other one was a bit of a drive. So I am currently excited and hopeful.
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I am so happy that it went well and you're excited and hopeful!
 
Cool beans! :)

Keep reflecting on each session you have with this new person. Sometimes an incompatibility won't reveal itself until several sessions have gone by. But each successful session you have with this person is an increasingly good sign. Although this part can get tricky: Successful doesn't mean you won't be doing any stretching out of your comfort zones!

Glad it's going well so far.
 
I'm so glad it went well! Growth can feel like stretching, but how fast you go is as much up to you as the therapist. Go slow if you need to.
 
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