How to tell my wife I am done but not done with us?

M

malsjoh

New member
I have come to accept the fact that my wife and her girlfriend are not going to split anytime soon, I keep hoping that they will. I keep hoping that her GF will see that it is not what I really want and do the right thing and split but I know she won't.

So now after getting my head straight on all of this with some help getting myself mentally stable I'm at a point where I think I won't be able to deal with our relationship as such for too much longer. Just have no idea how to tell her without destroying her. Especially because our lives have been tossed into a whirlwind in the last 2 weeks. It's not what I really want but it is so hard on me to even be her husband right now and regardless of what my wife says she is falling more in love with GF and less with me.

There is no GF goes in the situation.
 
You are not responsible for your wife's feelings in reaction to you speaking your truth. Telling yourself being honest with her will "destroy" her is catastrophising. She might be very upset. If she threatens suicide over you being honest, call 911.
 
Maybe you could try TALKING WITH her rather than TELLING her...? :( You make it sound as though you're looking here for supporting in dropping The Ultimatum.

One of you needs to be the Adult here, rather than a Parent (to use Berne's terms), but what you've described is the Child acting out with Parent rationale.

Will YOU be crushed if she's NOT "destroyed" by your bomb?

I'd guess that you've been over-rehearsing this whole debacle in your head, maybe planning out your lines & gestures & how you'll pace around the stage. But perhaps it'd be better to work on other lines, like "this has all been on my mind" & "here are my feelings" (NOT thoughts!!) & "I'm having problems with" & "I really need your help to sort this out" & so on.

If you CANNOT think along those lines, then, yah, YOU can't handle it, & likely need to leave.
 
It's actually not very clear from your post what you are saying. I guess this reflects your confusion.
The thing I take away is that you are not able/willing to deal with her afair any more and plan to give an ultimatum. You or her GF.
However you don't seem prepared to walk if your wife is not willing to dump GF at this point. And you say GF is not going, so this is a real possibility.

You can state that you don't consent to participate in a poly relationship. But you don't own her and you cannot control her feelings. It is her decision to break up with GF or not. (BTW it is a pretty damn hard one, if she is falling in love & discovering a new side of herself.)
If your wife doesn't want to break up or doesn't want to make the decision? The best solution for both may be divorce. If you really cannot handle the situation, you have to get yourself out of it.

So, what is it you want to tell her? Is it "No matter what we do I cannot/don't want to handle you having GF. If this is what you need to be happy, then we have to divorce"?
Or is it more "I am hurt and this situation is not sustainable for me. Those are the behaviours that hurt me _____. Would you please try to find a solution with me?"
Then you have a dialogue. Preferably you focus on behaviours, and find ways to work around what is hurting you.

Like:
regardless of what my wife says she is falling more in love with GF and less with me.
Click to expand...
You believe more love for GF is less love for you, but this need not be the case. How does her lack of love display? Is she giving all attention to GF and non to you? Do you really need her to give less attention to GF, or do you need her to give more attention to you? You can ask for more attention. Hopefully she can control her NRE and have some good time with you as well. This is how you handle poly situations - with good will from both sides. You concentrate on what you need instead of the belief that having a GF is wrong. And she better show some understanding. If she doesn't? The reason you leave is not GF but your wife not showing understanding.

Sometimes it's impossible to come to terms with poly. If this is your standpoint, please realize you cannot "make" her "do the right thing". Let the decision to either return to monogamy or divorce be her's alone.
 
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Speak your truth.

You no longer wish to participate in a poly "V."

If she's up for quitting poly and continuing marriage, you are open to that.

If she's not wanting to quit poly, then you must disband the marriage. You two being married while she has a GF is you being in a V, and you don't want to poly any more.

She might not love it, but it is what it is.

If she hems and haws but she's not offering you marriage without poly? Then YOU have to end it. Because for her, hemming and hawing lets her have poly+ marriage.

Hard to feel, but straightforward in actions.

Let her emotional management be on her shoulders.

Your willingness to participate is on your shoulders and if that has changed? Since she's not a mind reader it is you who has to speak up and make her aware.

Galagirl
 
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Hi malsjoh,

Re (from OP):
"I'm at a point where I think I won't be able to deal with our relationship as such for too much longer. Just have no idea how to tell her without destroying her."
Click to expand...

Maybe the thing to tell her is, "Honey, I have to tell you that I don't think I can handle polyamory." Then see what her response is, and go from there. You can of course turn to this forum anytime for further advice.

Sorry to hear that things aren't working out like you had hoped.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I should clarify. I am in the position of either I have to just learn to deal with it or I can just go and start over again.

I don't know what to do with it because really I feel that I have no options to do anything. Especially since my wife just lost her job 2 days before I got out of treatment for mental health issues.

She knows my feelings on the situation, I just don't know how to tell I am only going to stay as long as I can deal with the V with out causing problems. I don't know how to say it where it doesn't sound like an ultimatum to leave GF, I want to say it in a way that says I am done with it but not you and that is where I am. I don't want to let go but the whole situation is not healthy for me and eventually will affect our kids if I keep in it. It hurts me so bad to know that to find peace again I may have to go.
 
I think you could just print that post. Or rearrange it something like this:

I want to make you aware that I am not at peace. I don't want to let go because I love you, but the whole situation is not healthy for me and eventually will affect our kids if I keep myself in it like this when I know I don't love being in a V. I find it draining.

At this time, I am only willing to stay as long as I can deal with the V with out causing problems. The problem is... I am close to not being able to deal any more.

It hurts me so bad to know that to find peace again I may have leave even though I love you.

I'm not giving you an ultimatum like you have to pick me or GF. But I am making you aware that I've been thinking about ME bowing out so I can be more at peace. I can't keep living all wonky.​

Galagirl
 
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