How to tell partner about being poly?

L

Lumin

New member
I have never been in a poly relationship before but i strongly belive in the possibility, and have done for some time, but as a introverted demisexual it has never been anything that have happened.

I am in a relationship now with "K", and that is going good. we communicate well, work well together and i am really happy with it. I recently started talking to this guy "B", and i really like him too, we have flirted a bit, but never anything sexual,and would like to be with both of them.

How do i tell my partner about me being interested in us having an open relationship and me being poly?

Would like to talk to my partner about this before continuing my relation with "B", but i dont know where to start or what to do if they wouldnt be ok with it.

"B" is poly and is totally ok with me having another partner. He is in an open long term relationship.
 
Hi Lumin,

There's no guaranteed safe way to tell your partner about poly ... About your best move is to say, "I have been thinking about polyamory and open relationships ... What's your opinion?" Then be a good listener. It may take several conversations to work up to exactly what you have in mind.

If K wants to be poly (as well as you being poly), would that be acceptable? I'm just wondering.

If K says no to open and poly, you have about three choices ...

  • lay aside your desire to be poly,
  • keep asking K from time to time, or
  • break up with K.
If you keep asking K from time to time, you'll have to be careful that it doesn't amount to nagging, and you'll have to realize that K's answer may be no no matter how many times you ask.

Sounds a little harsh to put it that way, but that's about how it is. There are other options of course, such as continuing your relationship with B without telling K, or just doing it against K's wishes and let K make the tough choices about breaking up. But I think that would be unethical.

At least this post may give you something to think about.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin, thank you for your reply!

Yeah, i was just thinking about just telling K, because communication is important for me in a relationship, i just struggle with how sometimes, at least with K because they are autistic which usually isnt a problem at all, but when defining how our relationship should be, can be a bit difficult, to end with clear conclutions.

I would be totally ok with K being poly, they deserve all the love in the world and if that includes someone else im fine with it.

I am just afraid that they will see me as more likely to cheat on them, and therefore break up with me.

I would never continue my relationship with B if K doesnt approve of it, even tough it now seems a bit tempting because K would probably never find out, but it wouldnt feel right.
 
I think you have the right idea. As to whether K would break up with you over merely asking about poly, that is really on K, and is a chance you have to take ... if you're going to ask. I would hope K would trust you more than that, but, that's something only K can decide right?

Anyway the simplest approach seems the best in my eyes. Unless you decide not to ask at all, that is of course one of your options.
 
If they would break up with you because you ask a question... are they really the right person for you to be with? That's the most important question in my mind.

I say ask K about his thoughts on poly... don't lead in with any information about B... just about the idea of poly in general. If that little question, all by itself, leads to him leaving, you are probably better off.


That's just my 2 cents worth though... which, with a $5 bill, will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
 
RichardInTN said:
If they would break up with you because you ask a question... are they really the right person for you to be with?
Click to expand...
kdt26417 said:
As to whether K would break up with you over merely asking about poly, that is really on K
Click to expand...
Seriously?? :eek: Nononononono.

If Lumin had at some point in the past said, "Have you ever considered polyamory?" then THAT would have been "merely asking."

Waiting until there's someone in the on-deck circle -- not just a vague possibility but an outright likelihood? That's zipped right past being a leading question & is pretty much a "take it or leave it" declaration of intent.

Apologies, Lumin, I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm seeing a LOT of tripwires here. Like, let's unpack this a little:
Lumin said:
communication is important for me in a relationship, i just struggle with how sometimes, at least with K because they are autistic which usually isnt a problem at all, but when defining how our relationship should be, can be a bit difficult, to end with clear conclutions.
Click to expand...
Is communication important to you in PRACTICE, or in INTENT, or in THEORY? I don't get the impression you're particularly strong or confident in it, or much of this would have been sorted.

If communication is a struggle, then you two are not doing it right, or not doing it enough, & maybe BOTH.

"they are autistic" & I am ADD, & a really efficient way to irk me is to avoid attempting to speak with me as an adult using the ADD as the excuse. To do this with K looks a bit crazy-making, maybe gaslighting, especially with the run-on clauses ("but .. conclutions.") that seem intended to gain sympathy. Chalk it up to honest error, but stop that.
Lumin said:
I would be totally ok with K being poly, they deserve all the love in the world and if that includes someone else im fine with it.
Click to expand...
Again, you are phrasing things to put yourself in a saintly light while shading K toward "damaged goods" in need of saving. In this case, you skim right past an interesting scenario: consider how it goes if K does indeed find another lover, right about the time things fizzle out with B -- you being committed to be "fine with it."
Lumin said:
I am just afraid that they will see me as more likely to cheat on them, and therefore break up with me.
Click to expand...
You're already on the verge of cheating -- some would say you are already well into cheating emotionally -- & asking us whether to proceed. Please reconsider your situation, & tell US what you're GOING to do next.
 
Lumin said:
I am in a relationship now with "K", and that is going good. we communicate well, work well together and i am really happy with it. I recently started talking to this guy "B", and i really like him too, we have flirted a bit, but never anything sexual,and would like to be with both of them.
Click to expand...
This is a big trap.
Be prepared, that even if K is up to consider poly, then
1) It's likely he will have objections to continue with B, just like he would have if there actually had been cheating
2) Your preparation for poly together, the talks, the thinking, sorting out your open model, improving communication, carefully testing reactions etc. can take months or even more (and it is wise to take that time!)
Do tell K that you have an interest, but be prepared to let that potential go, or be shelved for quite some time. Something alike "I want to be poly now" is quite an ambush for the (perhaps mono) partner - don't forget that you have done the thinking in the past, he probably doesn't.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Seriously?? :eek: Nononononono.
Click to expand...
Yes, "seriously".

If just asking about something... ANYTHING... is enough for someone to break up with you then that's not the person you should be with.
 
Nah.

RichardInTN said:
If just asking about something...
Click to expand...
Go read that Wikipedia article about leading questions.

Bringing up polyamory, at this point, in this situation, with a predetermined goal already lined up (& being test-flown here)
IS NOT "JUST ASKING A QUESTION."

Atop that, there's the generous glib usage of "feel sorry for me" & "trying my hardest" phrasing. These tactics ARE NOT conducive to clear, open communication -- they are used to override the intellect. As I pointed out, there are elements of passive aggression & crazy-making. Even when they fail overtly, the blah-blah-blah still serves to obfuscate other glitches.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Go read that Wikipedia article about leading questions.
Click to expand...

Buddy, take your own advice. The wiki page on leading questions refers specifically to court testimonial. Last time I checked, no one is under interrogation when their partner is bringing up the topic of polyamory.

A leading question is where you're phrasing a question so that your desired answer is explicit in the inquiry. That's not the same thing as hoping someone gives a desired answer. Under your paradigm, anyone who wants to explore polyamory is going to be asking a leading question when they bring it up, because they already know what they hope their partner says. That's true whether or not they have someone specific in mind.

Getting to know someone and thinking "I'd like to date this person" and even flirting is NOT cheating, unless you have specifically agreed not to flirt with other people. Generally speaking, flirting is perfectly acceptable and harmless within monogamous relationships. If your partner has a problem with it, they need to have brought that up during the negotiations of the relationship terms & agreements.

As for the OP being sensitive to their partner's autism and wanting to phrase their introduction in a way that doesn't upset them, I say good on them. You seem to think ADD and autism are comparable. They're not. People with ADD have perfectly neurotypical ways of dealing with emotions and socializing. Conversely, people on the autism spectrum often don't experience social situations and emotions the same way neurotypicals do. They can read more into your questions than you intend, or they can miss things that are completely obvious to others. Seriously big difference and require completely different approaches in relationships.

Being sensitive to your partner's limitations is not treating them like "damaged goods." It's considerate and compassionate. It's not like Lumis is saying K can't handle it so they're not going to tell them, or they're going to sugar coat it and pretend it's something other than it is. Lumis is just looking for a way to broach the subject so as not to upset K needlessly. How is that remotely leading?

I'm not reading any "feel sorry for me" or "trying my hardest" phrasing. It appears as though you (Ravenscroft) are the only one, so if anyone needs to re-evaluate how they interpret other people's words, it's you my friend.
 
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SchrodingersCat said:
p.s. this term is potentially offensive to people with mental health issues.
Click to expand...
And if you are speaking as one of those people, I can only apologize & say that it is in no way inteneded to minimize a given person's condition.

However, it IS an established term, for identifiable behaviors --

https://www.bing.com/search?q=crazy-making&pc=MOZI&form=MOZSBR

Understanding & Managing Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Yourself & Others
http://www.crazy-making.com/

Gaslighting, Crazy Making and the Reversive Blockade - Techniques of the Psychopath
https://www.facebook.com/notes/psyc...-techniques-of-the-psychopath/268145193228876

Mental Abuse – Tell Tale Signs of Crazy-Making Psychological Abuse

7 Troubling Signs You're In Love With A CRAZY Maker!
 
Magic Mirror time?

Since your Google button appears to be broken, here's something to get you started.
Leading Questions -- Problematic Communication
SchrodingersCat said:
Being sensitive to your partner's limitations is not treating them like "damaged goods." It's considerate and compassionate. It's not like Lumis is saying K can't handle it so they're not going to tell them, or they're going to sugar coat it and pretend it's something other than it is. Lumis is just looking for a way to broach the subject so as not to upset K needlessly. How is that remotely leading?

I'm not reading any "feel sorry for me" or "trying my hardest" phrasing. It appears as though you (Ravenscroft) are the only one, so if anyone needs to re-evaluate how they interpret other people's words, it's you my friend.
Click to expand...
Wow, talk about a LOT to unpack!!:p

Firstly, usage of "cute" names -- like "buddy" & "my friend" -- indicate someone who's experienced passive-aggressive communication techniques, & learned them in self-defense. This is further established when you attempt to isolate me & issue a call for "all good & right-thinking citizens!" to turn off their intellect & join you in a dogpile ("you (Ravenscroft) are the only one").

Having that tendency, you are susceptible to certain types of manipulation. Seeing the world divided into "little people" & "bullies," you have difficulty getting past the overt layer, & maybe cannot see where the "mouse" is actually the controller.

That superficiality is displayed in other ways. Yes, having an IQ over 80, I am very aware that ADD & ASD aren't somehow equivalent. However, your quacking over this "error" allows you to sweep easily past my point (a recurring behavior in itself) which is that avoiding communication because of it is NOT somehow "supportive" of K, & in fact looks like part of a behavior pattern that is slowly choking off communication with K.

Is K's autism clinically established, or yet another sidewalk "diagnosis"? How is it being maintained/treated? We have no idea, yet people are willing to blame K for being unwilling to communicate before K is even aware of a topic to be discussed. This is set up by
they are autistic which usually isnt a PROBLEM at all, BUT when defining how our relationship should be, can be a bit DIFFICULT, to end with CLEAR conclutions.
Click to expand...
The subtext is "I'm in there doing the best I can, even when K is making problems, the poor damaged thing."

And I'm still baffled by who is supposed to be involved in "defining how our relationship should be."
 
Just an update: I talked to K, about what is going on and it all worked out fine. We had both been thinking about polyamory and it went as good as it could. So now im in a relationship with K, and we both can have other partners as long as the other knows about it.

And in my defence, K says themselves that their autism makes it more difficult for them to communicate and talk about feelings, but we try to find how we best can communicate, which might be different from other people. I am only trying to find out how we best can communicate, not avoid it.
 
Thanks for posting an update, Lumen. Kudos for pulling up the courage to talk with K about your situation: that is not an easy thing to do.

How did they feel about you and B?
 
They were totally fine with it and just said that if that was something i wanted to try out it was totally fine with them as long as they know whats going on which is nice. They were mostly just happy that i found someone i like and that we got this conversation since we both had been thinking about how for us it doesnt make sense to be mono.

So im gonna keep talking with B, and see what happens, and I am really happy with how it all turned out.
 
Good to know things went well Lumin.
 
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