Hubby Social Problem

L

LivingHappy

New member
All,

I am the hinge in a V with my husband and my married (polyamorous) OSO. I was pretty happy with the situation until a few months ago. Where I am having trouble is that my husband does not currently have an OSO and is extremely unhappy about that situation. His unhappiness is permeating all facets of his life so much that our friends don't want to be around him. All he does in social situations is complain about the lack of poly women available, or try to pick someone up wherever we go. It is so bad that we have stopped receiving most social invitations for us as a couple. Our polyamorous friends will invite me to gatherings, but not him. I understand them. Heck, I don't want to be around him most of the time!

To complicate matters further, he is the leader of our local polyamory organization. No one wants to tell him he's no fun to be around or that his tendency to zoom in on new female members is bordering on creepy. If I gently say something, it results in a fight about how he can't meet anyone and I'm totally off base about what people think. I will say that when he gets a polite "No thank you" from someone, he does not pursue it at all. He's not a stalker or a creep, just a guy who runs a polyamory group without the OSO he desperately wants.

I do still love him, but I do not like the person he is right now. I have tried to ask him to get some counseling for his depression, but he won't. I've even offered to go to marriage counseling so we can communicate better... all to no avail. I have tried to tell him that he won't find what he is looking for until he likes what he has right now. Again, nothing gets through. He is very angry, and believes and says it is everyone else's fault, including mine, since I have a committed OSO and he doesn't.

I've considered moving out until he can bring himself to get some help, but that is a pretty drastic step. We've been married for 24 years, but at this point I sit at work and dream about my own place.

Advice?
 
If what you say is true, you have done everything you can. What can the internet possibly say to you that will make him change? Perhaps you two need some space and time apart. I recommend the trial separation. It doesn't have to mean the end of the marriage, just a space to figure out yourselves as individuals, or for him to figure out himself, whatever that means to him.
 
Other than a separation, another possible idea-- if he's not hearing it from you, could he hear it if someone else held up the mirror? Ask a poly friend if they'd be willing to intervene, and say, "Dude, I've noticed you being odd. That's why I've stopped inviting you to social things. You are hard to be around. You are getting kinda out there. How can we help you let go of this anger that is eating you up?"

But if he's hellbent on self-destructive paths, and your own environmental wellness stinks as a result -- move out, and try to help him from there. But at least you don't have to be living in UGH all the time. You get a break.
 
I may be completely off base here, but it sounds like he's envious of the relationship you have with your OSO.

(BTW, if I get any of the lingo wrong, please correct me.)

As a temporary measure, you may want to try limiting the interaction you have with your OSO around him. I know that you absolutely should not have to do this, but as a temporary fix it may help more than you think.

You or someone else should also tell him that he won't find happiness if he is looking for it. If he really wants somebody else to like him he needs to just relax and focus on being himself, not being himself at somebody else. This will make him come off as less desperate and he will have a lot more luck.
 
Ltmusicdude said:
atIt sounds like hes envious of the relationship you have with your OSO. As a temporary measure, you may want to try limiting the interaction you have with your OSO around him. You or someone else should also tell him that he won't find happiness if he is looking for it. If he really wants somebody else to like him, he needs to just relax and focus on being himself, not being himself at somebody else. It will make him come off as less desperate and he will have a lot more luck.
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It may be true that he's envious, but I really don't think that's the problem. His behaviour is no different than a single guy who can't get a date and exhibits the same tendencies (hitting on every single girl he meets, complaining that he can't get a date, etc.)

This isn't about the OP or her OSO. It's 100% about him. As such, there's only so much she can do, and it sounds like she's done it. At some point, he just needs to realize that he's creating his own situation. By being miserable and desperate all the time, he portrays a front that no woman would want to date. Nothing sends women running faster than desperation. (Well, a few things do, but it's right up there on the list.) We can smell it from miles away. When someone is desperate, you never feel like they're interested in you as a person, but rather you as a token. Yuck.

At this point, I think the only way to move him along is for everyone he knows to start making it explicit and obvious. Your friends aren't doing him any favours by clamming up about why you're invited and he's not. Of course it will hurt his feelings, but he'll recover.

A separation might help you out in that you won't be exposed to it anymore, but don't kid yourself that it will "help" him or make him see how he's acting. He's learned to externalize the cause of his feelings, which means leaving him will be perceived as just one more thing that is done "to" him. But do what you need to do for your own sanity.
 
Is the problem lack of sex, or lack of poly females to have relationships with? Those are two completely different issues. Maybe the problem is that you have another lover but he doesn't. It sounds to me as though this gentleman is seeking "happiness" elsewhere while taking you for granted. If what you say is true then I would say that he isn't communicating well enough to let you understand what the problem is.

If you were to carry out a trial separation maybe he would be knocked back to his senses and be reminded that he has a loving wife. I don't know what advice is best for you, but my gut feeling is that the harsh criticism regarding how obnoxious he has become would be better served by his friends than by you. That way the element of "You have a poly lover and I don't" will not have to be focused on.

Good luck. :confused:
 
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SchrodingersCat said:
At this point, I think the only way to move him along is for everyone he knows to start making it explicit and obvious. Your friends aren't doing him any favours by clamming up about why you're invited and he's not. Of course it will hurt his feelings, but he'll recover...
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Great minds think alike! We were sharing the same idea, but you posted yours a few minutes earlier. :p This is what I meant by "the harsh criticism would be better served by his friends." They really do need to make it obvious to him. It's for his own good. Whether or not this leads to separation, it's for your own good, too.
 
I agree with both Whisper and SchrodingersCat. Hearing about how his problems have affected his social appeal from other people will probably help.
 
I know I'm about to get flamed hard for this, but what is an OSO?
 
Ltmusicdude said:
I know I'm about to get flamed hard for this, but what is an OSO?
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OMG YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT QUESTION! :cautious:

bcd0a_ORIG-flamed.jpg


It means other significant other. 🩷
 
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How long have you been seeing your OSO?
How much time do you spend with him vs. with your husband?
How long have the two of you been polyamorous?
Has he ever had a girlfriend?
 
Whisper said:
OMG YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT QUESTION :cautious:

bcd0a_ORIG-flamed.jpg


It means other significant other. 🩷
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OMG! That is too funny. I really needed the giggle. :)
 
Whisper said:
OMG YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT QUESTION! :cautious:

bcd0a_ORIG-flamed.jpg


It means other significant other. 🩷
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I'm sorry, what did YouAreHere do to deserve this?
 
Ltmusicdude said:
I know I'm about to get flamed hard for this, but what is an OSO?
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Other significant other. I found that when I first associated with these boards that I had a lot of the same eyebrow-raising questions. Try Googling "polyamory OSO" or "polyamory triad." It will take you to the definition.
 
BoringGuy said:
I'm sorry, what did YouAreHere do to deserve this?
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They predicted that they would get flamed hard... Self-fulfilling prophesy.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
They predicted that they would get flamed hard... Self-fulfilling prophesy.
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I was referring to the user "YouAreHere." It was a joke. J-O-K-E. You know, funny, like "haha," or "ROTFL." Not funny like "strange."
 
BoringGuy said:
I was referring to the user "YouAreHere," It was a joke. J-O-K-E. You know, funny, like "haha," or "ROTFL." Not funny like "strange."
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HEY! EXCUSE ME! I'm trying to have a serious conversation here. I asked some serious questions. I was first going to tell you that wasn't YouAreHere's comment... then I understood, with just a little bit of horror, that you were being funny in the midst of a real person's real problem. I laughed. Speaking of inherent right and wrong and the laws on Jupiter... Oh, wait, wrong thread.
 
I apologize for my lack of social acceptance. I cannot wear the same shoes on both feet. As you were.
 
BoringGuy said:
I'm sorry - what did YouAreHere do to deserve this?
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*snort*

Hey, I'm Polish. 15 minutes in the sun, and I get that way, anyway.

*FOOM*
 
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