I figured people would tell me that I am the one who wants poly and he is then handling it how he needs to handle it and that revenge dating is in my head.
And you don't get to handle it like
you need to handle it?
If he chooses to do revenge dating weirdness at you rather than break up peacefully and amicably? That's how he wants to handle his disappointment that you dn't want the same things in Life he does?
Maybe what you need to handle feeling yucky/bad when he does revenge dating at you is to WALK AWAY from him/it. Why stick around?
To me? You asked for a certain polyamorous relating style. Just because you want poly relating in one way, it does not mean you have to accept ALL poly or poly-ish dating offers than come your way. Even ill-fitting or crap ones.
Say this i
sn't spite or revenge. At best it sounds like "Ok, we are not a match. But I want you around for my back up plan while I try to find a better match so I don't have to be alone. After when I find the better match
then I can break up with you." That might work ok for him... but doesn't sound like that works for you.
Because spite or no spite? You still aren't getting the relationship model you want here. You aren't getting "a good break up" here either. It's ok to quit this sooner rather than later.
I think moving forward in future?
You could tell potential partners what you seek from the get go. Ask what they seek. Weed out the totally incompatible ones from the start so neither of you is wasting time or energy on something that isn't a runner even from the starting gate.
Once initial compatibility is established? Date for a while. Get to know each other better. See if this is
also deeply compatible or not. That takes some time to suss out. And in that time talk about what a "good break up" looks like to each of you if it ends up needing to be that. Like "Initially compatible, but not deeply compatible in the end."
I also think you could stop being your own self bully. I get that this is your first attempt at poly. That part is ok.
Somebody has to be the first people you try to poly with. The part I don't think is ok is you calling yourself names like "being a baby" or "being a hypocrite" and similar when the situation doesn't pan out.
It is possible to be in a situation that simply does not work out for you. And that doesn't make you a baby or immature or whatever else. It's just that the
situation doesn't work out. You don't have to take it personally or like a comment on your worth or value.
Is it your habit to call yourself names? Someone else is calling you names for wanting poly? Him? Friends? Someone else?
Galagirl