Hungry hungry hypocrite

Polyglamorous

New member
How do I not be a hypocrite?
I want to date people, well not really people per say. People implies just anyone.
The thought of partners dating people makes me so uncomfortable that I just don’t want to be with them. Want to put the walls up and detach. I realize it’s wrong. I just don’t know how to make it better. It makes me like, not like them anymore. I realize it’s wrong but it’s how I feel. How does one change their feelings. Or maybe I shouldn’t change my feeling. Maybe I’m not poly.
 
It’s like dating fire, it hurts. So why would I do this? But I know it’s not okay to hurt someone and not be hurt in return. It’s unfair, I’m not emotionally intelligent enough to understand why it hurts.
 
it is not ok to hurt and not accept to be hurt

From my point of view you have a total wrong idea about the feelings which should be involved.

"Hurting" as a process of emotional bonding always leads into a manipulative type of relation which drives a bonded love or spouse eiter further away or into secluded areas where you do not see.

Try a mental different emotional approach.

"I want my emotional partner in life to be satisfied and happy. When he comes to me from his lover and is happy, i am happy too and we will have a great time.
I am pleased if he is pleased and has fun.
"

This way you have only positive emotions involved.

What is nagging on you is the fear of losing.

You can only overcome this with accepting that you have lost anyone at the moment you first meet them and start only concentrating on the now.
Bonds between persons get stronger by pushing them away.

So by trying to build walls you internalize your feelings and give a "cold" detached emotion of "it is ok, i do not object" type of "i'd love you to be here" emotion mix.

A possible - but not best.

Try really to tell him "I hate it to the core to push you away to your other lover but i have to do some works. Treat her with at least the respect you treat me! Go now."

This would be -for me- the correct way to handle the feelings and emotions at that point verbally with your lover.

Afterwards you have to harmonize your inner feelings if you want "calm" feelings.
If you need mixed inner emotions to be functional a different approach can be better.

I am a man - so never try to understand any of my logic - i will never understand female emotions anyway.
 
I realize it’s wrong but it’s how I feel. How does one change their feelings. .

zero experience, but from what I've been reading you don't really change or "get rid of" (or at least a lot of people dont) those types of feelings, you just accept them, distract your self and realize they do not make sense.

I'm struggling very hard with this myself right now, logically it makes all the sense in the world, but when it comes down to it I have a physical reaction at the thought (my partner being with others).

Frustrating, to be sure.
 
It’s like dating fire, it hurts. So why would I do this? But I know it’s not okay to hurt someone and not be hurt in return. It’s unfair, I’m not emotionally intelligent enough to understand why it hurts.

I am not you, so I cannot speak for how or why YOU feel the way you do. But let my try to articulate this:

What you're describing is simple (or complicated) jealousy.

Generally, jealousy stems from insecurity... which in turn stems from fear.

Fear of what exactly?

For many people, jealousy results from a fear of being left or abandoned by one's partner. (Replaced, cut off.) A partner dating others leaves that person feeling insecure, because they cannot guarantee their partner will not eventually find someone more interesting, better-looking or better in bed, and leave them for the new shiny.

In my case, I do not fear being left by my partner/s physically (because I know they won't do that) so much as I fear that, if they date someone else, I will no longer be the "special and only" loved one in their life. I will no longer be the focus of their emotional world. (Emotional abandonment.)

I believe MY fear stems from having been cheated on multiple times in my first serious relationship (betrayal), as well as a history of losing people (including close friends and family members) who have disappeared from my life through no fault of my own (i.e. died, succumbed to mental illness, or moved away/gone AWOL.) So, really, my fear ALSO springs from abandonment issues, just in a different way.

You need to dig down deep to try to understand where YOUR jealousy/fear comes from. Only then can you work on granting your partners the freedom you want THEM to grant YOU (i.e. agreement to date others in a way that is respectful and acceptable and doesn't cause constant pain/fear.)
 
All very helpful advice. I guess it stems from me thinking he’s being spiteful by trying to keep it fair. Like to me it’s makimg me have negative thoughts about his personality because he’s like well you are doing this so I am going to too. So I guess I don’t feel like his intentions are valid in my world. I realize all the negative backlash I will receive for thinking this way from the people on the forum. It doesn’t make me feel this way any less. I feel it’s being used as a punishment because I don’t want to conform to the type of relationship he wants. I logically know that I can’t expect him to not have the same rights as me. Idk.
 
I will try being happy that he’s happy, but I don’t think it will work because he said he would be happy not dating people too, but that if I am going to he’s going to.
 
Is this the same coworker from this post? Or a new person you have been dating?

I guess it stems from me thinking he’s being spiteful by trying to keep it fair. Like to me it’s makimg me have negative thoughts about his personality because he’s like well you are doing this so I am going to too. So I guess I don’t feel like his intentions are valid in my world. I realize all the negative backlash I will receive for thinking this way from the people on the forum. It doesn’t make me feel this way any less. I feel it’s being used as a punishment because I don’t want to conform to the type of relationship he wants. I logically know that I can’t expect him to not have the same rights as me. Idk.

Are you basically saying that you are poly and he is not? And rather than just break up with you plain, he's doing "revenge dating" to be spiteful to you because you didn't want to be Closed with him? He's not dating these other people because he loves and wants to do poly? He is dating these other people just to get digs back at you?

Why would anyone give you backlash for not liking him much if he behaves like that? I wouldn't like him much either if he was doing that at me.

If he's looking for a dating partner who wants to be Closed with him... why not just go date to find them? And leave you out of the picture? The decent thing to do would be to say "I'm sorry. I cannot do this like this. We are not compatible."

I guess I wonder why you choose to keep dating him if you guys are not compatible and he behaves all revenge-y at you? YOU could end things with him. You guys don't sound like a match -- you don't want to conform to the kind of relationship he is seeking. You want something else.

In dating, not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. That is what dating is FOR. To find the compatible ones. This one doesn't sound all that compatible.

You seemed pretty clear in your other post on what you seek.

Well, I would like to have a threesomes with a girl or a guy but I can't really just have sex without an emotional/mental connection. So I guess there has to be a relationship there to some degree. Not just a fling. Like I want to see movies and play board games and have sex together. I guess be like a family. Like I don't want two separate relationships. I don't think he is okay with that, or anything really. As far as the people I am with, I don't care if they want to date other people as long as their hearts are in it.

If this dating partner is not a match for that? Could stop dating him. You could move on.

Is it your habit to take responsibility for everything even when it is NOT your doing or your responsibility? Because to me? You seem to be internalizing like "Maybe I'm not really poly if I'm not up for my dating partner to do revenge dating at me."

I think it is possible to be poly and not be up for shenanigans.

Galagirl
 
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It is the same person from the other post. I just don’t know if revenge dating is a thing. I figured people would tell me that I am the one who wants poly and he is then handling it how he needs to handle it and that revenge dating is in my head. That I asked for this relationship style and now I’m just being a baby.
 
I figured people would tell me that I am the one who wants poly and he is then handling it how he needs to handle it and that revenge dating is in my head.

And you don't get to handle it like you need to handle it?

If he chooses to do revenge dating weirdness at you rather than break up peacefully and amicably? That's how he wants to handle his disappointment that you dn't want the same things in Life he does?

Maybe what you need to handle feeling yucky/bad when he does revenge dating at you is to WALK AWAY from him/it. Why stick around?

To me? You asked for a certain polyamorous relating style. Just because you want poly relating in one way, it does not mean you have to accept ALL poly or poly-ish dating offers than come your way. Even ill-fitting or crap ones.

Say this isn't spite or revenge. At best it sounds like "Ok, we are not a match. But I want you around for my back up plan while I try to find a better match so I don't have to be alone. After when I find the better match then I can break up with you." That might work ok for him... but doesn't sound like that works for you.

Because spite or no spite? You still aren't getting the relationship model you want here. You aren't getting "a good break up" here either. It's ok to quit this sooner rather than later.

I think moving forward in future?

You could tell potential partners what you seek from the get go. Ask what they seek. Weed out the totally incompatible ones from the start so neither of you is wasting time or energy on something that isn't a runner even from the starting gate.

Once initial compatibility is established? Date for a while. Get to know each other better. See if this is also deeply compatible or not. That takes some time to suss out. And in that time talk about what a "good break up" looks like to each of you if it ends up needing to be that. Like "Initially compatible, but not deeply compatible in the end."

I also think you could stop being your own self bully. I get that this is your first attempt at poly. That part is ok. Somebody has to be the first people you try to poly with. The part I don't think is ok is you calling yourself names like "being a baby" or "being a hypocrite" and similar when the situation doesn't pan out.

It is possible to be in a situation that simply does not work out for you. And that doesn't make you a baby or immature or whatever else. It's just that the situation doesn't work out. You don't have to take it personally or like a comment on your worth or value.

Is it your habit to call yourself names? Someone else is calling you names for wanting poly? Him? Friends? Someone else?

Galagirl
 
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This does make me feel better that revenge dating is a thing that could happen and that it’s okay not to be okay with it. I feel like it’s revenge dating cause I finally met someone who was okay with the poly thing. I didn’t have any sort of feelings towards him in the least. It takes me awhile to understand if I even like someone. I was just going to see him in person, talk and stuff. Then coworker and I see each other and he tells me he made all these dating sites. Which I thought him and I had already established that dating sites weren’t a thing we were interested in. (The only reason I talked to the person I met up with is because I saw he was going to the same school as me)

There’s other things that make me think it. He was trying to hint or throw around the idea of him getting back together with his ex because it seemed easiest. She was already okay with the poly thing. He eventually said that he wasn’t going to but once again this spoke volumes about his character and his intentions to me. It’s messed up to the ex because he’s like “you’re here and convenient”

Then he tells me he’s going to go to lunch with a completely different ex on Saturday. He says it’s strictly platonic. Idk. I’m just tired of feelings. I think it would be for the best if I was just by myself for a long time. I seem to dislike most people and things.
 
And I guess it’s the timing of things. I said I was going to see the person I met up with. Then he sends me me a screen shot of the message from his ex asking to have lunch. The message was sent the day before, but he was just telling me right after I said I was going to see the other person. Like it was a punishment. No one calls me names except I guess myself.
 
The more you talk about it, the more it sounds like you guys aren't esp compatible. I hope you feel somewhat better for airing out some here.

It sounds like...

You make plans to meet with a new potential friend. Not a date, a friend.

Then he retaliates by making dating site pages, and touching base with his two exGFs as if to check if he can get back with them "just in case." Not because he loves them, not because they got along great in the past, not because he balances having more than one romantic relationship at a time well. More like he needs some sort of "life preserver person" in his life and if it isn't gonna be you, he has to scramble to line one up pronto. Anyone will do. Is that the vibe you get?


Idk. I’m just tired of feelings. I think it would be for the best if I was just by myself for a long time. I seem to dislike most people and things.
If dealing with his all over the place emotions is all you've been dealing with lately? I could see being tired of it all.

You mentioned he used to string along his other GF. Is this his way of stringing YOU along and keeping you around? Having to do emotional labor here for/with him?

I think it's fine if you want to be on your own for a while. You could end it and take the time to heal.

If/when you decide to poly date again? Could be more picky about who you pick out. Could call this one a learning experience to help you better define what you will and will not put up with and what you are and are not looking for.

Galagirl
 
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I wouldn’t say he strung them along, but I believe he contemplated the idea of stringing one along and then decided against it. I think I’m unhappy and the advice to leave is one I should follow. He is also moving a girl he’s had sex with in as roommate. Thank you for talking me through this.
 
Polyglamorous, your initial post (although not the rest of your situation) sounds just like me. I really struggle with my partners being involved with other people, even though I totally understand it for myself. Although I have no suspicions of “revenge dating,” I do resonate with the idea that the discomfort comes from the feeling that other relationships don’t actually bring my partners joy in the same way that it does for me. Hard to feel compersion when the other person isn’t actually happy....
 
Hi Polyglam,

Every jealous feeling is triggered by something external ... and sometimes the trigger is that you're being treated badly. In this case, he is "revenge dating," or at least you suspect that he is dating in a vengeful way. This would spark a jealous reaction in just about anyone, so don't feel bad about it. Your internal mechanisms are trying to alert you to the danger, or at least to the potential danger.

I assume that he will deny it if you ask him directly ... though I could be wrong. In any case, if he claims it's not revenge dating, that doesn't prove it's not revenge dating. You are going to have to trust your instincts on this one, even if you know you might be mistaken.

If this is revenge dating, then he has been hurt over your dating practices, and he wants you to be hurt in the same way. Doesn't mean you should keep seeing him, just helps you distance/protect yourself in a relatively forgiving way. He was genuinely hurt and you feel genuinely bad about that, even if his way of dealing with that hurt was messed up.

It sounds like you've worked out what you need to do. And that's a good thing. Hang in there, things are probably going to get harder before they get easier. You can do this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Glad it helped some.

I think I’m unhappy and the advice to leave is one I should follow.

Sounds like you decided what you want to do. That part is good so you don't remain stuck and unhappy.

I'm still sorry though. Even when it's the best solution, break ups aren't necessarily fun things to do. :(

I hope the healing time afterward brings you some calm/peace/renewal in time. I encourage you to do your self care.

Galagirl
 
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