Hurt and confused by partner's choices

[RiverGoddess]

Hey there folks, I need a place to work some stuff out, so thanks for being here and for your valuable insight and feedback.

I have been with my primary partner for nearly 4 years in an open relationship. We have built a very strong and deep connection and are very much in love, and deeply attached. We both have previous poly experience, him being in an open marriage for 10 years and myself having been in various poly relationships for the three-ish years before meeting him.

Due to circumstance, neither of us had (until recently) actually slept with anybody else this whole time (nearly 4 years together). We had both been out on dates, fooled around with others a little here and there, but neither of us actually had had intercourse or pursued other relationships much. We had a series of deaths and loss in our family, so by default we went long periods of time without having any dates or sparks with others at all. Our own relationship was all we had space for during that time, and that felt OK for both of us. We kept talking freely about possibilities, and sex with others has always been an option, but until recently was simply not taken up.

I think in a strange way I got comfortable with our sweet little "poly-lite" dynamic that was happening. Little flirts here and there, a couple PG-13 dates, but nothing serious or ongoing occurred. It was easy and fun and I felt totally safe in it.

Last week I went away to visit family for a vacation. While I was away, my partner met a woman and slept with her five times. He was honest about it of course, and I accept what happened between them. But I am finding myself consumed by anger and sadness.

The parts that I am finding challenging and painful are the following:

- He explained to me that he is not actually attracted to her, physically or otherwise. He finds her brash and they don't have much in common. She pursued him EXTREMELY HARD, being exceptionally forward with him, which is why it even happened. My apologies for being crass, but what it comes down to is that she was an easy lay. He says she is not someone he ever would have pursued or chosen for himself. She chased him and he said, 'eh, why not?'.

- He has stated that he suspects she & I wouldn't like each other much as we have very different vibrations. I am quiet and introspective, while she is loud and over-bearing. She is not likely someone that either of us would have invited into our life as a friendship, as we have nothing in common and very different lifestyles & world views.


After a long hard talk about his motivations (ego boost, easy lay, safe expansion beyond the 'poly-lite', etc) and intentions (have some fun, nothing serious), we/he concluded that maybe this woman wasn't the right fit for an ongoing relationship. We had a beautiful intimate re-connecting time that felt really special, having navigated that conversation and concluded in a way that felt really good to both of our hearts. He made plans to lovingly & gently let her go.

When he returned from her house, he had not only NOT ended the relationship, but had slept with her again and changed his tune to "well, I don't see a problem with friends with benefits" and "I don't know why I want to keep her around yet, but I need to explore it".


I felt hurt and angry, because I really DO NOT GET IT.
I could accept it if he was physically attracted to her.
I could accept it if he was emotionally or spiritually attracted to her.
I could accept it if they shared something in common that they bonded over.
I could accept it if he had any good reason to offer, but he doesn't/hasn't!


So, he wants to keep seeing this woman in an ongoing manner and I am super uncomfortable with it. I am upset that he isn't attracted to her, that he knows her & I aren't compatible, and that he said he was ending it and and then turned around to say that he wasn't. All of the words I have used to describe her were HIS words (brash, overbearing, unattractive, unhealthy, low vibrational, etc etc)... so I am mad at him for either painting an incorrect picture OR for having low standards. (Not sure which one yet!)

She has told him outright that she has strong feelings for him and that she would like to continue seeing him "as much as possible." He has been clear with her about how much time he has available for another woman in his life (very little), and she said she would "take what she could get", meanwhile requesting to see him at least monthly, more if possible. I feel like he is being irresponsible with her emotions. From what I can glean she is lonely, not poly. She is taking what she can get from a man whom she would like more from. Also, she was pushing a hard case for him to have sex with her without a condom ("I'm clean and fixed! It makes no sense why we would have to!") I have been VERY CLEAR with him that I am absolutely NOT ready for him to fluid bond with her, despite her claims of being clean and fixed. That is way too much, way too fast for me. I have to work out how much concern to have here... I have no reason not to trust him, but she is pushy, and he is apparently being a pushover. (Sorry babe but that's how I feel).

I feel frustrated. We don't do veto's, so I can't veto it. I have asked him to dig deep and reflect on what he is doing and why he is doing it, and to try and give me some insight to his motivations and intentions. He can't give me an answer that actually has any substance. He has changed his tune to this non-nonchalant "it's just sex" attitude, when historically we have shared a view that sex is sacred and to be shared with others who hold it in that same way. I am boggled.

In the meantime I am trying to look at my fears and frustrations and be real about them. I am staying conscious of what I feel and making sure that my fears are not running my emotions.

The main fear I have is regarding lack of time. He works in camp, which takes him away for more than 50% of each month. When he IS home, I already share him quite a bit with his friends and hobbies. I do have heartache when thinking that the amount of time we share might go down even further. I am jealous about superficial stuff like the amount of sex they had in a small time frame. I know these are the little heartaches that I can handle, but they are still uncomfortable for now.

I am stuck in this angry place. I feel like there is nothing I can do but accept the situation, however I just feel so frustrated and confused. I feel disregarded. I need to grasp onto SOMETHING that makes sense to me about why he is doing this, so that I can begin to accept it.

Sigh.

Advice is welcome - thanks for listening.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I don't know if reading poly hell would help any.

I do hope he told you about this new lover before sharing sex with you. Otherwise it's lies of omission and not giving you opportunity for full consent before sharing sex with you. (It that part of your anger?)

Ultimately? You cannot tell him what to do or who to see. But you CAN choose what poly networks you want to participate in or not. If his network has become too much or too weird for you, you can bow out and not participate in his network. Your consent belongs to YOU.

I am stuck here. I feel like there is nothing I can do but accept the situation, however I just feel so frustrated, angry, and confused

You are not stuck.

He can explore whatever he wants, but you don't have to be there along for the ride. It may not be your first pick, but remember you could stop seeing him. He can look you up (if you still want that) when he gets this out of his system (if he does.)

So, he wants to keep seeing this woman in an ongoing manner and I am super uncomfortable with it. I am upset that he isn't attracted to her, that he knows her & I aren't compatible, and that he said he was ending it and and then turned around to say that he wasn't. All of the words I have used to explain were HIS words (brash, overbearing, unattractive, unhealthy, low vibrational, etc etc)... so I am mad at him for either painting an incorrect picture or for having low standards. (Not sure which one yet!)

I suggest you assess. If HE no longer meets YOUR standards? You could stop seeing him.

I really don't know what else to suggest because keeping on with it silently doesn't sound great.

And talking some more doesn't sound great either since it sounds like he just talks til you feel kinda better and then goes off to do whatever he wants later. Like tell you one thing, do another.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

I can understand why you would be upset and frustrated that he intends to continue sex with a woman he finds unattractive on all levels. I do not, however, understand what difference it makes to *his* relationship (using that as a broad term) whether *you* and she are compatible. Do you and he have rules that metamours have to get along? Do you expect to be friends with the women he dates? Do you expect them to date you too? If the answers to all of the above are "no", then whether you and she are compatible or not is completely irrelevant as to whether he continues to see her. *You* don't have to interact with her in any way, shape, or manner.

Back to the other issues, though... It might be that he simply wants to explore what it's like to have sex outside of the context of a committed relationship, and she's a convenient person with whom to explore it since she initiated the sexual component to begin with. While you and he had agreed in the past that sex is a sacred thing, sometimes people change their minds and their views. And sometimes they act against their usual views out of pure curiosity. If he had never had casual sex before, it might be that something about it intrigues him; his previous view that it's sacred was formed without him having experienced anything else.

That doesn't mean you have to be okay wtih it; it just means that might be his motivation to continue having sex with someone he doesn't like and isn't attracted to. It also might be, as you said, safer in his mind to have sex with someone like her, because he perceives it as being less of a risk to your relationship.

But if she has told him she has strong feelings for him, and he has not told her that he doesn't reciprocate, or has given her reason to hope he might develop feelings for her, then yeah, I agree that he's playing with her emotions, and that isn't cool. And if his time is already limited, you have valid concerns about whether he'll have enough time to go around.

The only advice I can offer is keep that dialogue open with him. Make sure he fully understands your discomfort and the reasons for it. Set boundaries; things like "I would prefer that you not take time away from me to see her, because that would be very hurtful. If you do, there will have to be another discussion about this" or whatever. (That isn't, to me, the same as a rule; a rule would be "You can't take time away from me for her." Sometimes phrasing is everything.) If the situation becomes more than you can handle, tell him that.

 

[Tinwen]

he knows her & I aren't compatible

Just as a side-note, I wouldn't take on this assumption. He has stated he "suspects" it. He may be wrong. Maybe if you met her, you would know better.

 

[RiverGoddess]

I do hope he told you about this new lover before sharing sex with you. Otherwise it's lies of omission and not giving you opportunity for full consent before sharing sex with you. (It that part of your anger?)

I was away on vacation and unreachable, so I heard about it on the phone, after the fact. I am okay with that in this case. What I do feel angry about, though, it that it was presented to me as a fling, and here we are now discussing the possibility of ongoing.

you can bow out and not participate in his network.
you don't have to be there along for the ride.
remember you could stop seeing him.
He can look you up (if you still want that) when he gets this out of his system (if he does.)
You could stop seeing him.

I appreciate the perspective and I do know this is true, however I am committed to this human on a soul level and I will navigate the hard waters of relationship with him. I have no intentions of leaving him, nor do I fear him leaving me. I am looking to work out my feelings around this situation and perhaps get some advice on how to handle what is going on. Thank you for the reminder, though

And talking some more doesn't sound great either since it sounds like he just talks til you feel kinda better and then goes off to do whatever he wants later. Like tell you one thing, do another.

True and this is where some of my anger and hurt comes in. I told him that I am having a hard time trusting what he says right now because his actions are not matching his words.

 

[RiverGoddess]

I can understand why you would be upset and frustrated that he intends to continue sex with a woman he finds unattractive on all levels. I do not, however, understand what difference it makes to *his* relationship (using that as a broad term) whether *you* and she are compatible. Do you and he have rules that metamours have to get along? Do you expect to be friends with the women he dates? Do you expect them to date you too? If the answers to all of the above are "no", then whether you and she are compatible or not is completely irrelevant as to whether he continues to see her. *You* don't have to interact with her in any way, shape, or manner.

True. Good point. In my previous poly relationships I was always friends with my partner's lovers, and my lover's partners. There is something so special to me about sharing meals or board games or days at the beach with my metamours. He knows I want to love and respect his lovers, and I want him to feel proud of them and be excited to introduce us.

Back to the other issues, though... It might be that he simply wants to explore what it's like to have sex outside of the context of a committed relationship, and she's a convenient person with whom to explore it since she initiated the sexual component to begin with. While you and he had agreed in the past that sex is a sacred thing, sometimes people change their minds and their views. And sometimes they act against their usual views out of pure curiosity. If he had never had casual sex before, it might be that something about it intrigues him; his previous view that it's sacred was formed without him having experienced anything else.

That doesn't mean you have to be okay wtih it; it just means that might be his motivation to continue having sex with someone he doesn't like and isn't attracted to. It also might be, as you said, safer in his mind to have sex with someone like her, because he perceives it as being less of a risk to your relationship.

He definitely has had many years of casual sex behind him, but I am seeing now that I am holding him up to my own standards in regards to what leads to casual sex (in my world, there's gotta be at least some chemistry!). I am definitely judging him for his choice though, and I need to look at that.

And yes, he does see it as safe exploration. I don't see it as safe since she is not polyamorous, wants more from him, and thus her feelings are at stake.

The only advice I can offer is keep that dialogue open with him. Make sure he fully understands your discomfort and the reasons for it. Set boundaries; things like "I would prefer that you not take time away from me to see her, because that would be very hurtful. If you do, there will have to be another discussion about this" or whatever. (That isn't, to me, the same as a rule; a rule would be "You can't take time away from me for her." Sometimes phrasing is everything.) If the situation becomes more than you can handle, tell him that.

Thank you - all good points and all things I am working on.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Just as a side-note, I wouldn't take on this assumption. He has stated he "suspects" it. He may be wrong. Maybe if you met her, you would know better.

This is true, he could be wrong. I will admit that I have creeped her social media to get a feel for who she is, and he is probably correct in his analysis.

I am absolutely open to giving her a chance, should he continue sleeping with her. However, he does know me very well, and knows what I am sensitive to, and what types of energies I mesh well with.

I also told him that part of the problem is that he can't even figure out what he likes about her, then what is he doing with her? It's not fair to her. I want to see her through his eyes, as that is often what makes me like my lover's lovers. This is the part I am challenged on. If he came home thrilled about a wonderful, beautiful, fun and generous woman that he was all flitty about, I would be more inclined to work with him on making space for her in our life.

 

[RiverGoddess]

I don't know if reading poly hell would help any.

That article made me anxious, but brought up a fear that I had not yet named, so thanks.

I can totally feel myself having the fear of intrusion they speak of. He has a very long refractory period, so he has to save his sexual energy. I can feel myself scared that he won't have sex with me if he has to save his energy for a date with her, or coming home from a date with her too tired out to have sex with me.

Also, continued on the fear of losing time together, his idea is to tack it on to his work week - either leave for work a day earlier and stay overnight with her, or stop by her place on the way home, arriving home a day later.

Either way, it is less time with me and less available energy for sex.

 

[GalaGirl]

Either way, it is less time with me and less available energy for sex.

I guess you could wait and then later reassess. Maybe it will settle down. If not? You can evaluate later on if you are getting what you would like out of this relationship or not. See if he meets your personal standard for what you are looking for in a poly partner or not.

I don't know what else to suggest if he's not willing to talk and be a person of his Word though.

You guys don't have to share the exact same view on sex. You can have your POV and him his. But only you can define your limit of tolerance, you boundaries, your wants, etc.

Galagirl

 

[Devilishadvocate]

Your partner sounds like me when I used to lie to my wife that I wasn't really into the women I used to see who were younger, fitter and more sexually liberal than her so that she wouldn't feel bad. It took years of couples therapy for me to understand that I was destroying trust when my actions didn't correspond with my words and for her to understand that I did not have to share her attitudes towards sex to be a good husband.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

RiverGoddess, I have been where you are...

My husband has an on again, off again fwb who is soooo not his usual type. Back when they first met, he found her annoying and talked shit about her with mutual acquaintances. Mostly the snark was about her being slutty and thinking she's hotter than she is.

And then when we opened our relationship, guess who he decided to sleep with It drove me crazy because I could not figure out what he saw in her, and I felt like he was just going for the "easy score".

A few things I realized...

1) There's nothing inherently wrong with going for the easy score, as long as everyone is on the same page about the nature of the relationship - occasional sex? Fwb? Dating? I don't do casual myself, and it took a while for me to get over the idea that my husband wanted to, but it's his body and his call.

2) A sexually assertive woman is a HUGE turn on for lots of guys. She broadcasts that she enjoys sex, and doesn't have guilt or hang ups about enjoying it. That in and of itself can be enough to attract guys.

3) Nobody is a flat, one-dimensional caricature. I thought I'd have nothing in common with my husbands fwb, but we get along fine. She's not someone I'd go out of my way to spend a ton of time with, but I can enjoy talking about work, her kids, my dogs, whatever, for a few hours with her. Painting someone as "brash and overbearing" (or anything else) can make it harder to eventually get to know other aspects of their personality.

My advice to you would be to worry less about what he sees in her, and more about the stuff that directly affects your relationship with him. Like protected sex, time management, honesty about the direction their relationship is taking. If there's really zero attraction on his part, the whole thing will blow over quickly. If there is chemistry or emotion there, eventually he'll be able to understand and explain it.

 

[RiverGoddess]

Your partner sounds like me when I used to lie to my wife that I wasn't really into the women I used to see who were younger, fitter and more sexually liberal than her so that she wouldn't feel bad. It took years of couples therapy for me to understand that I was destroying trust when my actions didn't correspond with my words and for her to understand that I did not have to share her attitudes towards sex to be a good husband.

Hey there, thanks for this reply. I have considered this, as I have been wondering what it is that is going on here for him, being that he says he isn't attracted to her on any level, but that he wants to keep sleeping with her. It is confusing, and when I call him out on it, he doesn't know why either (Yet. He is actively reflecting on it).

In reference to that idea - this woman is older than both of us by several years, is quite overweight, very tired looking, has an unhealthy diet and lifestyle, is uneducated with no job, no hobbies. She presents as emotionally immature, and generally, overall, not someone that I feel threatened by 'in comparison'.

He has gone on dates with women whom were younger than me, whom I perceived as prettier than I, fitter than I, more fun than I, etc... and I was okay with it. I felt like, I "get" that. You know? Insecurity is not my thing, normally. I don't feel jealous of her as much as I just am confused by his choice and, as I realize now, am somewhat judging him for it.

I know all that sounds awful, but I very confident in myself and I feel I would recognize if he was patronizing me. I think he too is genuinely unsure what he is getting out of this besides easy, nonthreatening sex.

 

[RiverGoddess]

RiverGoddess, I have been where you are...

My husband has an on again, off again fwb who is soooo not his usual type. Back when they first met, he found her annoying and talked shit about her with mutual acquaintances. Mostly the snark was about her being slutty and thinking she's hotter than she is.

And then when we opened our relationship, guess who he decided to sleep with It drove me crazy because I could not figure out what he saw in her, and I felt like he was just going for the "easy score".

A few things I realized...

1) There's nothing inherently wrong with going for the easy score, as long as everyone is on the same page about the nature of the relationship - occasional sex? Fwb? Dating? I don't do casual myself, and it took a while for me to get over the idea that my husband wanted to, but it's his body and his call.

2) A sexually assertive woman is a HUGE turn on for lots of guys. She broadcasts that she enjoys sex, and doesn't have guilt or hang ups about enjoying it. That in and of itself can be enough to attract guys.

3) Nobody is a flat, one-dimensional caricature. I thought I'd have nothing in common with my husbands fwb, but we get along fine. She's not someone I'd go out of my way to spend a ton of time with, but I can enjoy talking about work, her kids, my dogs, whatever, for a few hours with her. Painting someone as "brash and overbearing" (or anything else) can make it harder to eventually get to know other aspects of their personality.

My advice to you would be to worry less about what he sees in her, and more about the stuff that directly affects your relationship with him. Like protected sex, time management, honesty about the direction their relationship is taking. If there's really zero attraction on his part, the whole thing will blow over quickly. If there is chemistry or emotion there, eventually he'll be able to understand and explain it.

Thank you for this. Thank you.
I feel like I needed to hear someone say "I have been where you are."
You are right about shifting the focus to the subjects that directly affect our relationship, and about how it will blow over and become moot, or develop into more with time. He is usually very articulate and honest so this has all felt somewhat muddled up with his inability to explain.

I realize that since I personally am not into casual sex, I totally put that same value judgement onto him, unconsciously. Woops.

Thank you again. I will try to relax and navigate the parts that affect me directly, and maybe this will all blow over, and if it doesn't, then hopefully some clarity will start to arise.

 

[RiverGoddess]

1) There's nothing inherently wrong with going for the easy score, as long as everyone is on the same page about the nature of the relationship - occasional sex? Fwb? Dating? I don't do casual myself, and it took a while for me to get over the idea that my husband wanted to, but it's his body and his call.

I agree with this, however I don't know if we are all on the same page. She has expressed strong feelings for him and that she wants to see him more than he has stated he is available. She also wants to fluid bond with him. I will have to raise concern with him again regarding her level of investment in relation to his level of investment. At what point is it not my problem? I don't want my partner out being irresponsible with people's feelings in our small community.

2) A sexually assertive woman is a HUGE turn on for lots of guys. She broadcasts that she enjoys sex, and doesn't have guilt or hang ups about enjoying it. That in and of itself can be enough to attract guys.

Good point, thanks. So true.

3) Nobody is a flat, one-dimensional caricature. I thought I'd have nothing in common with my husbands fwb, but we get along fine. She's not someone I'd go out of my way to spend a ton of time with, but I can enjoy talking about work, her kids, my dogs, whatever, for a few hours with her. Painting someone as "brash and overbearing" (or anything else) can make it harder to eventually get to know other aspects of their personality.

I do realize that I have totally judged her and wrote her off. I feel like if he had talked her up, that would be different. I have high five'd him before for getting a hot date or meeting sweet lovely artistic cuties. So I think his lens of her very much influenced my lens of her. I think when he gets home in a few days I will ask him to describe to me some of her positive attributes.

 

[Tinwen]

Your partner sounds like me when I used to lie to my wife that I wasn't really into the women I used to see who were younger, fitter and more sexually liberal ...

That's close to my feeling. He may not want to admitt to you (or possibly himself) what it is that attracts him.
Could it be that he is simply so flattered by all the nre attention/love/lust/attachement she is showing, that he has a hard time declining her offers? Could it be he's a little lonely despite all he has with you? You know, if you crave fresh energy and attention, it's hard to reject fresh energy and attention...

...Oops, missed the second page of responses. Just +1 on GirlFromTexlahoma, all of the points, and especially the last one.

My advice to you would be to worry less about what he sees in her, and more about the stuff that directly affects your relationship with him. Like protected sex, time management, honesty about the direction their relationship is taking. If there's really zero attraction on his part, the whole thing will blow over quickly. If there is chemistry or emotion there, eventually he'll be able to understand and explain it.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I do realize that I have totally judged her and wrote her off. I feel like if he had talked her up, that would be different. I have high five'd him before for getting a hot date or meeting sweet lovely artistic cuties. So I think his lens of her very much influenced my lens of her. I think when he gets home in a few days I will ask him to describe to me some of her positive attributes.

It's hard to see the positive in someone when all you hear is the bad stuff!

Maybe in addition to her positive attributes he could sort of just, chat with you about his time with her? I'm one of those people who does NOT want to hear sexual details about my partners' other relationships, but I love hearing what's going on in my metamours lives. I'm not saying pry about private stuff, just the mundane day to day crap. It really helped me see my husbands fwb as a whole person, hearing about what sports her kids played, or what concert she went to, or what she thought about political issues.

I agree with this, however I don't know if we are all on the same page. She has expressed strong feelings for him and that she wants to see him more than he has stated he is available. She also wants to fluid bond with him. I will have to raise concern with him again regarding her level of investment in relation to his level of investment. At what point is it not my problem? I don't want my partner out being irresponsible with people's feelings in our small community.

That's a tricky situation. I understand the fear of drama, the worry that everything will go spectacularly wrong. But you can't do his relationship managing for him.

I generally think my partners' other relationships are none of my business, besides obvious scheduling and sex health stuff. Sometimes I'm friends with metamours, so we have our own friend-relationship, but I still try to stay out of the husband+metamour things. So tbh, I think I'd be confused as to why my partner was telling me all that stuff about her wanting more. It's his job to decide if he wants to spend time with her, be in a relationship with her, fluid bond with her. Not yours.

It sounds like you've been pretty clear on your boundaries, so keep doing that. If you don't want him having unprotected sex with her while the two of you are fluid bonded, say so. If you need X number of nights just the two of you, be honest about that. And then... Up to him to decide if he agrees to that stuff, and up to him to make those things clear to this new woman. And up to him to deal with the mess if he doesn't do those things!

It's sometimes useful to have the, "hey, I think she wants more than you do" conversation, but it sounds like he's well aware of the situation. As long as it's not messing up your relationship, I'd just let him handle it.

 

[Magdlyn]

A good friend of mine went through a divorce not long ago because his husband and long time best friend (they'd been college roommates, bffs, then lovers, and after 10 years of knowing each other, got married), started badly neglecting him for a new lover. She was as you describe your partner's new interest: in bad shape, slovenly, and crass.

My friend had no idea what his husband saw in her. His husband would tell him he was done with the woman, lying, and then sneak off to see her. My friend put up with it for like 6-8 months, and finally saw nothing was going to change, and had to separate and divorce. It was really hard.

The only thing he could think of that caused his husband to neglect and destroy their relationship was, they'd been planning on becoming parents. Even to the point of buying some baby clothes and looking at nursery furniture, and exploring options about surrogates or adoption. So, despite saying he was on board, the husband instead just destroyed their longtime relationship and ran.

 

[RiverGoddess]

A good friend of mine went through a divorce not long ago because his husband and long time best friend (they'd been college roommates, bffs, then lovers, and after 10 years of knowing each other, got married), started badly neglecting him for a new lover. She was as you describe your partner's new interest: in bad shape, slovenly, and crass.

My friend had no idea what his husband saw in her. His husband would tell him he was done with the woman, lying, and then sneak off to see her. My friend put up with it for like 6-8 months, and finally saw nothing was going to change, and had to separate and divorce. It was really hard.

The only thing he could think of that caused his husband to neglect and destroy their relationship was, they'd been planning on becoming parents. Even to the point of buying some baby clothes and looking at nursery furniture, and exploring options about surrogates or adoption. So, despite saying he was on board, the husband instead just destroyed their longtime relationship and ran.

Oof. Yep. You are on to something with this story. It is hard to read because I have had this concern as well.

My partner and I just came out of about 3 months of long, hard talks on whether we wanted to become parents. I felt like I wanted that, he felt like he didn't. We had a lot of tears and both did some deep digging.

Eventually, I felt myself fully committing to him and my life with him. I let go of the possibility of having children with him and re-framed my focus to putting energy into my art, my business, my relationship(s), my self, being a good community member, and building relationships with my nieces/friend's children. I decided that I could have a full and rich life without having children of my/our own.

This whole struggle was all very hard for him, and I think brought up some self worth issues. He has mentioned before that he "doesn't know how he got me" and I think me really digging in and committing to him again and again over the past four years, has shaken him up.

He always showed resistance to the reciprocated committing piece because we hadn't explored poly in full (as mentioned in original post, we had fooled around and lightly dated but not yet explored having sex with others or taking ongoing lovers).

There is a piece of me that is wondering if this is his equivalent "commitment crisis"; like he has to take on a lover and see how it goes before really being able to do that same, dig-in committing that I just did.

I also wondered if the whole thing just freaked him out and he just needed to find something fast and easy to run to.

We had only been back on solid ground after this family-talk for a couple of weeks when I went away and he met her. So... this too has been my thought.

I feel like I need to give him time and space to work out what is going on here, but I also want to be clear about my boundaries. I do know he has a rebellious streak when feeling cornered, so I have to approach the issues with tact.

Sigh.

 

[Tinwen]

Eventually, I felt myself fully committing to him and my life with him. I let go of the possibility of having children with him and re-framed my focus to putting energy into my art, my business, my relationship(s), my self, being a good community member, and building relationships with my nieces/friend's children. I decided that I could have a full and rich life without having children of my/our own.

Whoa, that sounds really scary. For both sides. I mean, it must be hard for you. But it's also difficult to navigate receiving such a commitment. Especially if he can't reciprocate or perhaps didn't really ask for it.
A: "I've decided to go with you through good and bad whatever happens."
B: "Um, you know, I really like you, but... I hope you don't want me to promiss the same!"
I have been more on the B side in my relationships so far. And I've broken relationships demanding more commitment then I could give.

 

[KC43]

True. Good point. In my previous poly relationships I was always friends with my partner's lovers, and my lover's partners. There is something so special to me about sharing meals or board games or days at the beach with my metamours. He knows I want to love and respect his lovers, and I want him to feel proud of them and be excited to introduce us.

That's understandable. Some people like that kind of poly. But some don't. Until my current relationship, I didn't even want to consider meeting any metamours I might have, and in fact tried to steer clear of men who have other partners. (My husband's monogamous.) I've gotten used to it in my current relationship, and even enjoy having contact with my metamours now, but it took time. This woman might not want to become friends with you, and your partner might not understand how important it is to you even though he knows it's something you want.

But not wanting to introduce you to her, or have you and she become friends, doesn't mean he doesn't feel proud of her. I'm not sure if you're equating him not wanting you to meet with him being ashamed of a partner or something, but that's kind of how it sounds.

He definitely has had many years of casual sex behind him, but I am seeing now that I am holding him up to my own standards in regards to what leads to casual sex (in my world, there's gotta be at least some chemistry!). I am definitely judging him for his choice though, and I need to look at that.

And yes, he does see it as safe exploration. I don't see it as safe since she is not polyamorous, wants more from him, and thus her feelings are at stake.

I'm the same way about chemistry, but not everyone sees it that way. To him, at least at this point in time, "casual" might mean "with someone I have no intention of ever becoming involved with." I do, however, agree with you that if he's doing this with this woman because he thinks it's safe, it is unfair to her if she's not on the same page. I don't know if it's dangerous, per se, but I think it's unwise for anyone who's poly or in an open relationship to get involved with someone who has stated they want something different.