Hurt and confused

C

Confusedandscared

New member
Need much advise. Been in a.poly-fi triad since January. In the beginning everything seemed to go well. We talked, laughed, and opened up to our family about us. I have been with my husband since 2011. I know now that I have been poly for a long time, but he has let me be me. When we met I was in a rough relationship and was married for 13 years. He saw the heartache that I had been going through and we started talking. Well I left my husband for him and a few months later my husband, at that time passes, and now my current husband at that time had went from boyfriend to something different. I had 4 children and we had been talking about making our relationship much more than bf/gf, so in 2012 we got married. Now he was going on 23yr old step-father of 4 TEENAGERS. Yes my oldest is 4 yrs younger than my current. This year he had met the current life partner and in May we found out she was expecting. I have noticed that when you have two women in the same house, same bed, and trying to make both happy, it's not easy.

Well to make things even harder the baby came early. He was 7 weeks early and I am having a hard time seeing how much more in love they are. The baby has been in NICU since he was born and they have not been able to bring him home. It has caused such a rift in our relationship. It hurts me knowing that all through her pregnancy I was told that I was going to matter and that I was going to me Mamma Angie and our gf will always me mom, mommy, everything else. Now it's "Their baby and I have no say," that is not how a poly family is suppose to be and I feel like I am now the third wheel, the outsider, the taboo. Not his wife or her partner.

Now I feel like I am an outsider because I can't see him. It breaks my heart knowing they can't take him home. I have tried to talk to them and tell them what I am feeling and it ends up MY HUSBAND that I am being jealous and selfish because I want to hold him and giving him kisses Andre him know that Mamma Angie is here for him, mommy, and daddy too. The only ones that can see him right now is them and grandparents. Hospital protocol is what they said.

It hurts knowing that I can't be there. I know this is their first bio child but, why make the one person that is suppose to be your support feel isolated.

To make matters worse we live at her parent's not our own home. We don't have a home to bring him too.

They post all over Facebook pictures of him and how she now has the two most important men in her like, the baby, and her literate nowhere has I even mentioned in post unless it's me and that also hurts. I am starting to think about leaving, and letting them have their new family.
 
No there isn't.
 
He came home last Sunday but they are staying with his mom, supposedly because she is closer to the hospital but they are now 30-45 min away from his Dr and where we live. Her mom goes out there twice a week to pick them up for the baby's Dr appointments. It is taking a financial hardship on us here. She insisted that her mother get all kinds of furniture and rearranged her mother's life just for him not to come here. Now her mother spent almost $600 in stuff for the baby and he isn't even here. We are all hurt for their decisions. Not sure what to think anymore. We over on Saturday and it felt good to see them but she seemed so distant I don't know what to think anymore.
 
If you want advice, I can move this into the Poly Relationships forum. You've posted this in the Life Stories and Blogs section where people will be less inclined to give feedback because it's meant to be more of a journaling area. Let me know if you want me to move it.
 
I would be inclined to give them a little benefit of a doubt just because nearly losing a child is a very traumatic experience. They are not thinking clearly. You, and her mother, were expecting them to come home with a healthy baby and everyone would be happy. The plan changed. The baby stuff will be used eventually.
 
Hi Confusedandscared,

I guess I am unsure what to think as far as what your husband's and life partner's intentions are. It does seem like they're acting a little aloof, but like vinsanity0 said they've been through a rough interval. Maybe they'll warm up as things settle down.

How do the teenagers feel about all this?

With concern,
Kevin T.
 
Well to start things off the baby was released a week after he was born. Right now they are staying at my.mother-in-law's. They say it's because she has more experience with premies. I went over last Saturday and felt so out of place. I feel like my actions have had drastic consequences. They came here today because he had a Dr appointment and she had one too. Had to take my hubby to town to deal with some things so it was just the two of us. Was not the ride or conversation I thought. He thinks that it's not just beneficial for them but for me too. He said it's like a trial separation and I am scared that my selfishness and anger that was built up for feeling it was my fault she had him early.
He may be right. That part I am still trying to distinguish. My girls have their views on Poly relationships. They are not on board but if mom is happy that's ok and that's all they want. They both like the idea of being big sisters, but my husband and his life partner feel that I was way to hard on him when it came to my girls and discipline. I was too easy and would stand up for them if I felt like he was too hard. So it has been rough to begin with.
I am just trying to stay positive and show them I do not want to take anything from them I just want to be part of their family again. One can only hope
 
Ugh. What kind of idiot step-parent swoops in and tries to discipline nearly-grown teenagers? My husband had a 13 year-old when I met him, and I never once pretended to be her parent. She was way too old to need another mom. And with a 4-year difference? Oy!

As for the current situation... I would start by requesting a serious conversation with your husband and finding out exactly what his plans are. Trial separation? Living with his mom and girlfriend while his wife is at home? Those are pretty obvious signs. If he's planning to leave, then make it snappy and clean. No point dragging it out. If he's not planning to leave, then tell him you all need to work together to find a better solution that works for everyone.

But don't hold your breath. I just re-read the first part and realized what you meant by "my oldest is 4 yrs younger than my current." So you're obviously much older than him, and can I assume the girlfriend is closer to his age? Sounds like they want to "start a family" and aren't really interested in having you in the picture any more. He basically cowboyed you from your ex-husband, and now she's cowgirling him from you. Seems to be his MO.

As for visiting... I'm sure it varies by hospital, but when my godson was in NICU, the mom was allowed any visitors she wanted during visiting hours and it was parents-only the rest of the time. It might not hurt to confirm with the hospital whether this was policy or they were bullshitting you. That will give you a lot of answers right there.

Don't forget to collect child support... No reason he should abandon his existing commitments just because he's got a shiny new baby...
 
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Just to clear we have no children together and my children's bio father passed after about 4 months after we got together and my ex told him, "take care of them and be there" and then two months later he was gone. Massive heartache. So he has been trying to help the best he could. My ex was always the disciplinarian not me. My current would not do anything at first until he saw that one of my girls was trying to run me over
 
I'm so sorry you're in such a tough place right now. To be honest, I'm not sure there is much you can do but give them the space that they have requested and re-evaluate whether or not you want to be in a relationship with either of them after this. From what you've said, it does sound like at least your relationship with your girlfriend might be over, or at the very least, is going to take a Herculean effort on her part to fix up with you, if she cares to.

As you know yourself, having kids can do a number on you - what with the stress, the hormones, the physical effort, the tiredness, getting used to the responsibility. It's natural for her to want to just nest, but if you always imagined you would be a part of that phase I can see why it's so painful. Perhaps it always was unrealistic to think that this wouldn't bond them closer to one another as a unit. Only you can figure out if those words or your relationship with her were genuine or just said to keep you sweet. And only you can figure out if moving this triad into a V will work long-term. You guys haven't been dating that long when all is said and done. Was the pregnancy planned, or an accident?
 
Confusedandscared said:
Just to clear we have no children together
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Doesn't matter if they're biologically his. You're married and so he's a legal guardian and child support applies. If he was being less of a prick about it, I'd be more inclined to let it go, but he deserves to pay. You don't just walk away from your family like that.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Doesn't matter if they're biologically his. You're married and so he's a legal guardian and child support applies. If he was being less of a prick about it, I'd be more inclined to let it go, but he deserves to pay. You don't just walk away from your family like that.
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In most cases one is only a legal guardian if they went to court to become one. It doesn't automatically happen just because you marry someone who has children.
 
Before Butch adopted my oldest he was in no way financially responsible for him legally.
 
Hubby has no legal rights, or obligations of any kind, to Alt and Country. He wasn't even able to provide health insurance for them because they aren't his biological kids and he didn't adopt them (because their father wouldn't allow it). He was in the Navy in the 1990s and tried to access something through that to help pay for Alt's post-secondary trade school, but was told she isn't eligible to receive anything through him for the same reason, that he isn't the bio parent or legal guardian.
 
I'm having trouble following as well... Let me know if I'm getting this right ok?

You were in a relationship with your husband and Life Partner.

Was it a triad (where you were romantically involved with both of them) or a V (you shared your husband with Life Partner but you weren't involved with her romantically)?

For a while all three of you plus your kids lived together. She became pregnant and had the baby early, which (understandably!!) caused a lot of stress for everyone.

Right you and your kids are living with LP's parents, and your husband and LP and the baby are living with his parents.

You want all of you to live together and be a family - you, husband, LP, your kids, and baby.

Husband wants to live apart from you, wants to live instead with LP and baby. He wants this temporarily? Permanently? Has he explained his reasons?

Life Partner wants ??? Have you asked her?

Assuming I'm understanding your situation correctly...

Short term, you need to give them some space to care for and focus on the baby. Let them know you are there to help but don't push.

Medium term, you need a plan for you and your kids in case living with LP's parents doesn't work out. It sounds like they are happy having you there now, but if you and LP no longer have a relationship someday? Will it still be a good idea to depend on her parents for shelter?

Long term, you need to figure out what everyone wants the relationship configuration and living arrangements to look like. But I think that is something husband and LP may not have the energy to think about right now.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Get *you* in a place where you will be ok if these relationships end, and the healthiest partner possible if they continue.
 
vinsanity0 said:
In most cases one is only a legal guardian if they went to court to become one. It doesn't automatically happen just because you marry someone who has children.
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Depends on the jurisdiction. In Canada:

Once a step-parent relationship has been established, the obligations of that step-parent towards the children are similar to those of the natural parents. The process for determining the child support amount when there are step-parents is not set out clearly in federal, provincial or territorial legislation. The Federal Child Support Guidelines, for example, currently allow judges to set a child support amount they consider appropriate. When making this decision, judges must take into account the amount set out in the child support tables and the legal duty of any parent other than the step-parent to support the children.
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And I agree with the idea behind it. You marry someone with kids, those kids to become emotionally dependent on you. Just packing up and walking away is a massively douchebag move, and I'm glad that our laws reflect this douchebaginess with financial burden.

But good point that it's not automatic everywhere.
 
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