Hurt and somewhat confused

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FreeRangeTraveler23

New member
Hey all!

I am a 41 year old guy. My wife is 38.. We've been marrived for 14 years. My son is 18 and is an avid football player at a local University in town. Recently my son's friend sustained a serious injury while playing football. He is from out of town so we have let him stay at our home to recuperate. My wife is an ER nurse, so looking after injured people is her expertise.

My son's friend Shawn (21 years old)has been with us for 3 weeks. Since the beginning I suspected something was happening. My wife started coming to bed latter and latter. I'd get up to find them on the couch watching TV together. Not cuddling but sitting really close. I'd get home from work (I am civil rights attorney) and there would be a note saying they have gone for dinner and a movie and won't be home til late.

3 days ago my wife confessed to having had sex with Shawn on several ocassions. I was furious! My response was to get angry and she says "f you loved me you'd want me to be happy. This man is making me feel happy and young again! Don't make me choose between the two of you!"

She left and went to her friends place. Shawn went with her.. She called me this morning and gave me an ultimatum. I either accept her new found polyamorous lifestyle or leave. She said she loves me very much, but not with the same intensity she Loves Shawn. She told me that Shawn is a great guy and I am being selfish for not letting her continue with Shawn. He has a right to be and loved. I can't have her all to myself. 14 years was enough.

I am devestated and don't know what to do. I am monogamist and this seems like a huge violation of our marital commitment. I love her so much but this whole thing had caused me so much pain.

I told my son of this and he got angry..He said he refuses to get involved and that it is none of my business who his mom sleeps with. I feel so alone.
 
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That isn't polyamory. It's cheating. Your wife betrayed your trust, and that of your son in my opinion, since it was his friend.

She can try to justify it however she wants, but the reality is she had sex with another man behind your back, and is now trying to emotionally manipulate you into thinking this was somehow your fault and that you're going to...what? Destroy her life if you don't let her keep fucking the kid?

Yeah. Not polyamory. Polyamory involves open, honest communication and, most importantly, agreement, among everyone involved *before* sex happens with another partner.

You're right. She violated your commitment to each other. And it bloody well is your business who your wife sleeps with... she's your wife!

It sounds like she's refusing to accept responsibility for her actions. She's refusing to admit that she was dishonest and betrayed your trust, and she's trying to push you into agreeing to let her continue sleeping with this guy instead of admitting she's done anything wrong. It's obviously your choice whether you forgive her and let her continue with this, but since you say you're devastated, and that you're monogamous, I would say that's your answer. She's done something you can't accept, and she wants to keep doing it. If you can't accept it, no matter how much you love her, and if she isn't willing to stop doing this, then you may have reached a point where the marriage has to end.
 
I'm sorry you're in pain. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed in this situation. Several of the things your wife has said indicates that she is trying to justify her cheating relationship in part by making you feel bad.

First thing that doesn't make sense: You're being selfish for not letting her continue with Shawn?

Uh, no. She was selfish, and a bunch of other things, by cheating on you.

Second thing that doesn't make sense: If you loved her you'd want her to be happy?

Doesn't that work both ways? If she loved you, wouldn't she want you to be happy? I can't see how breaking your relationship agreements, even if they're the unspoken agreements inherent in monogamy, would make you happy or show that she cares about your feelings.

When my husband realized he wanted to have a relationship outside of our marriage, he talked to me about it. Because he cares about my feelings and he respects me. No relationships were broken, no trust was betrayed.

I can't say what your wife is thinking. You could only find that out by talking to her. But if you've tried and you're not getting very far, you're going to have to decide what to do. You do not have to accept her decision. But you also can't control her behavior. The only behavior you can control is yours.

If you've told her how hurt and betrayed you feel and she doesn't listen, it's because she doesn't want to listen. You can't make her. You can only decide what you're going to do from here.

I don't think you should try to drag your son into this, though. What happens between you and your wife is between you and your wife. My parents are currently going through a divorce, and I absolutely don't appreciate them trying to drag me into their disagreements. You might justify it with 'well Shawn is his friend,' but I don't personally care who my friends are having sex with, so why would your son? Your wife is Shawn's mother, but I really really don't care who my mother is having sex with either, so why would your son? It's natural to feel hurt and alone. But you aren't alone. I'm sure your son loves you, even if he doesn't want to get involved in this fight. And if you don't have friends and need someone to talk to (and this forum isn't doing it for you), you absolutely should talk to a counselor, a religious advisor, a hotline. They can help you sort out these feelings you're having and help you feel less alone and more heard.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck.
 
Yes, please get to a therapist asap. Preferably a sex-positive therapist so he/she can reassure you confidently that this is not polyamory. And be proud that your son stood up for his own boundaries the way he did!
 
Shawn dropped by my house ths afternoon to pick up his stuff. He and I sat down for a couple hours and drank coffee. It came out that Shawn has never had a girl friend and when my wife started coming onto him he couldn't resist. He is also a virgin.. Not any more apparently. He said he finally saw his chance to be loved and he took it. He said he regrets hurting me because he likes me, but the chance to be loved is far more important.

He said that my wife has been unsatisfied with our marriage for years. Apparently I am a horrible lover. I admit that I do have a very small penis but try to make up for it with other things. Like giving her clitoral stimulation. She said I work to much and am too emotionally sensitive. I cry at movies and cry when she hurts. Shawn said she wanted a man. I am also 50 pounds over weight and my wife finds me unattractive. Shawn said that she dreads making love to me because of it. She fakes orgasms with me but has real ones with him.

This was a major blow to the ego.

My wife and Shawn are going to his parents cabin in northern ontario to get their head around the new relationship they have. That's 2 weeks off from work she must take that was supposed to be dedicated to planned trip to Egypt.

I don't know what to think. How can my wife go from a loving woman to a cruel bitch in 3 weeks? I cried today and drank to much.
 
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Let's see, you an attorney with a good job and your own home. Him a 21 year old who has never even had a girlfriend.

Keep in mind that you don't know how much of what he said was true, and how much he made up to throw you off balance.

Keep in mind that he was a guest in your house, living off your hospitality, and he repaid you by sleeping with your wife, and now has the gall to sit in your home and tell you all these things?

Your wife should have been talking to you if she had an issue, not to a 21 year old boy who's never had a girlfriend.

Send the two of them off and see how she likes being with a 21 year old boy long term. Don't give this kid the time of day and do not let him back in your home.
 
I am an attorney.. But civil rights attorneys do not have the highest wages. My wife as an ER nurse makes double what I make. If she bails I'll have to sell the home because I won't be able to afford it by myself... If I wanted to make money I'd practice another branch of law but most areas would leave me emotionally dead. Working with Amnesty International brings me so much joy.
 
FreeRangeTraveler23 said:
I am an attorney.. But civil rights attorneys do not have the highest wages. My wife as an ER nurse makes double what I make. If she bails I'll have to sell the home because I won't be able to afford it by myself... If I wanted to make money I'd practice another branch of law but most areas would leave me emotionally dead. Working with Amnesty International brings me so much joy.
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Self respect is worth more than a house.

Don't hang onto her to keep the house. She cheated on you, and if she wants to support a 21 year old boy, let her. The fantasy is going to wear thin pretty quickly when she realizes she's supporting a boy instead of having a man at her side.
 
I am so sorry. Polyamory is not the "whitewash" paint for cheating. This is NOT poly.

Your wife has cheated on you with some inexperienced virgin college kid who is dumb enough to go there. This young man is not being a very good guest in your home. One doesn't go off banging your friend's stepmom in friend's house!

You are upset, and I can imagine your son may be upset also.

Ignore Shawn for now. He's over 21, so it's not like you'd call his parents to tell them he did naughty. You could just tell him himself that you do not appreciate him cheating with your wife in your house and that he's not welcome there any more.

Instead focus on taking care of YOU. See a counselor to help you process your thoughts and feelings. Your son may also want help with that. I cannot imagine that he loves one of his friends cheating on his dad with his stepmom when he invited this "friend" to stay.

Also get yourself checked for STDs. I hate to bring it up... but Shawn may not be her first cheat. Don't take it for granted both of them are clean. Take care of your body too.

In the emotional roller coaster -- don't loose sight of behavior done.

1) Your wife cheated on your closed marriage agreements.

2) She told Shawn a story to get into his pants.

  • If it was true, she was withholding info from you that concerns you and the health of the marriage. She was not coming to you directly to sort it out. Instead she kept it secret and become resentful. Does she speak up then? Nope.

    Then she chose to act out her resentment by taking up with her son's friend. This is very poor behavior on her part. She can't be mad at you for not being a mind reader, and she cannot be mad at you for her own poor behaviors. If she tries -- say "No. I do not accept responsibility for your poor behavior." You are NOT being selfish when you say no. She's the one being uber selfish.

  • If it NOT true? Then she's lying about her marriage to get into his pants -- which sounds predatory. Not stellar behavior that way either.

3) Now she is making "Do this or else I leave" threats like you are the one who will not let her have this. That is not loving behavior at all!

I suggest you do nothing but your own self care. She can have this. She can go off with him. That bubble will burst soon enough -- he's very young, and I cannot imagine his family and friends or her relatives and friends will just LOVE how that relationship got started. It's so inappropriate in many ways.

She cannot have your willingness to participate in a 3 people thing with her and Shawn. Your willingness belongs to you and you can say NO.

What she may also not have is you being willing to live with her anymore or your willingness to stay married to her. You could move out to an apartment and leave her with the house if you wanted. Talk to a counselor to help you sort out what you DO want.

She has made some poor choices and dinged her family pretty bad.

I am so, so sorry you deal in this. :(

But don't take it personally like it was something you did or did not do. You weren't the one having cheating affair. Don't react and pick rash behavior. Breathe, stay as cool headed as possible, and respond appropriately. Your self care, your son's care, then what you want to do about your relationship with your wife.

If she's saying 3 people or zero? Those are the only choices? Then pick zero. Don't saddle yourself with 2 cheaters. It's not like poly is magically "cheater proof." People can choose to cheat on their poly agreements too.

Galagirl
 
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WhatHappened said:
I would recommend you find an infidelity board.
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~ Agree ~

FreeRangeTraveler23 said:
Apparently I am a horrible lover. I admit that I do have a very small penis but try to make up for it with other things. Like giving her clitoral stimulation.
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Women rarely cite penis size as the central aspect of whether sex is great or not. For me, a "good lover" is someone I have chemistry with, not someone who has good moves or a good penis or good hands. I meet people who claim to have "good hands" and when it comes to having those hands on me, they're not "good," they're just hands that are performing in some learned fashion. That, to me, is not what a "good lover" is all about. A good lover is someone who fits, like a good friend is someone who just gels with you, not because they have read up on how to be a good friend, but because they just fit well. That's why we call it chemistry - it's nothing you can figure out. Sure, a good sexual relationship can be improved by knowledge and knowing preferences, but if there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. I mention all of this to encourage you to step back from taking "horrible lover" personally, whether she said it or not. People either fit together or don't, but it's a matter of the right combination, not a matter of people being "good" or "horrible" sexually. What one person thinks is a great kisser, another will find a huge turn off. Sure, there are aspects of sexuality that experience and knowledge and effort really enhances, but don't ever mistake preference for evaluation.
 
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How long have you been married? Given the income discrepancy, I'd suggest immediately contacting a divorce lawyer, file for divorce, and ask for spousal support. Stay in the home and ask for a temporary order that she pay the mortgage until this is settled. Be strong and ask for more than you'll settle for, and you will probably be okay. She left the marital home for an affair. You must not leave the marital home to live elsewhere until this is settled. Yes, it may mean selling the house, or letting her buy out your half of the value and assuming any remaining payments.
 
I also suggest that you close or take your name off of joint credit cards and take half the money from any join bank accounts now so there's no risk of her cleaning you out. If things don't end in divorce you can always put it back, but if she's already running off, then it seems like a higher risk she'd be willing to take money and split.

This is definitely not poly. And I agree with other statements that penis size doesn't make a good lover. I've been with a guy who was small and he was still an excellent lover because he responded to me and knew what I liked and make sure I got off (which means not faking it so he knows when I'm actually getting off). I've also been with bigger than average guys who were terrible in bed because they didn't pay attention to what did or didn't work for me and thought they could just pound away and a big dick means they're awesome. ugh.

Honestly, I'd take this as a learning opportunity and grow. Get some therapy to take care of your mind, start eating healthy and take care of your body. Start planning your finances to take care of your life in the event that you get divorced (call a divorce lawyer pronto!) and focus on being happy about what you can actually control.

Your wife is going to have her own problems to deal with once her lust filled haze is over and she realizes that her new "relationship" comes with a lot more baggage than just sex with a young, attractive guy.
 
FreeRangeTraveler23 said:
Shawn dropped by my house ths afternoon to pick up his stuff. He and I sat down for a couple hours and drank coffee. It came out that Shawn has never had a girl friend and when my wife started coming onto him he couldn't resist. He is also a virgin.. Not any more apparently. He said he finally saw his chance to be loved and he took it. He said he regrets hurting me because he likes me, but the chance to be loved is far more important.

He said that my wife has been unsatisfied with our marriage for years. Apparently I am a horrible lover. I admit that I do have a very small penis but try to make up for it with other things. Like giving her clitoral stimulation. She said I work to much and am too emotionally sensitive. I cry at movies and cry when she hurts. Shawn said she wanted a man. I am also 50 pounds over weight and my wife finds me unattractive. Shawn said that she dreads making love to me because of it. She fakes orgasms with me but has real ones with him.
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Cruelty is never acceptable. Ever. And this is just cruel. First, don't believe anything this boy says. He is actively trying to hurt you and make sure you don't stay with your wife. Now it might not be his idea - perhaps your wife put him up to it but he said all those things. And that is not an accident. He is out to harm you and has succeeded apparently. Don't talk to him at all anymore. He wants to hurt you. Perhaps she does too, that is not clear.

However, you deserve infinitely better than this. Even if your wife was unhappy, she needed to tell you directly and work on things or just end it with you and get a divorce. Instead she's gone the most vicious route possible. Fucking a 21 year old virgin in your home, who is also friends with her son. That is behavior from someone who has lost their mind - OR - is showing who they have truly become.

You deserve better. Put yourself first. I realize that will be hard for you. It sounds like that is not your natural impulse (which is lovely and should be treasured instead of abused). Assume they are out to get out and act accordingly.

Oh, and think about if you want her back once she dumps the 21 year old. (That's going to happen soon too. Or he dumps her.) I suggest you don't. Why? Because you deserve better than this cruel person.
 
Hi FreeRangeTraveler23,

If this was just a situation where your wife had an affair with that young man, then apologized profusely and asked for forgiveness, I might suggest you could be merciful if you felt so inclined, and let her keep the relationship with the young man with your blessing. But, that's not what's happening. Instead, she is acting very mean and pushy towards you. Her young boyfriend is acting mean towards you as well. I don't think it's healthy for you to have people like that in your life with you, people who treat you so spitefully in every way. For that reason, I agree with the others that the only course that makes sense for you is to divorce her as soon as possible, with the best divorce attorney you can get.

I feel really awful for you. No one should have to be put through this. And you have done nothing wrong.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
The OP is a better man than me. I would've kicked that kid's ass...not for sleeping with my wife, that's on her...but coming over and saying that stuff.

When the NRE wears off she will see she made a huge mistake.
 
nycindie said:
Is this for real? I have my doubts.
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I'm with nycindie on this... There are a number of logical inconsistencies here.

What I found 'convenient' was that the wife just so happens to be an ER nurse, so when this 'friend' was injured she was perfectly placed to care for him. It seems odd that the friend's parents wouldn't have any interest in taking care of him given it was a 'serious injury'. Yeah he may be from out of town, but any decent parent would rush there to take care of their son if the injury is serious.

However, the flaw here is that if this friend was so 'seriously injured' that he needed to stay at their house, how is it he can go out for dinner and a movie with the wife and stay out late? Now they're going on a two-week trip to a remote cabin in northern Canada? That doesn't sound like a 'serious injury' to me.

Also, since the poster's son lives with his parents, why is the friend not hanging out with the son? If you were a young man living at a friend's house, wouldn't you want to hang out with your buddy? How many guys want to hang out with their friend's mom? Also, how many sons wouldn't be creeped out by a buddy that wants to hang with their mom? While 21 and a virgin/never had a girlfriend is plausible, how many guys on a university football team would have no females interested in them? Being a football player is typically a girl magnet.

Then there is the 'small penis' stuff, which frankly reads like some cuckold fantasy. I find it surprising someone would be so forward about that, rather than saying that they have had 'issues' with lovemaking or something more generic.

But what was a real surprise is that he supposedly sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk with the guy that is screwing his wife behind his back. Really? He says he got angry when his wife told him of the affair, but he didn't get angry with the guy involved? Furthermore, how could the friend openly tell the husband that he wants to keep screwing his wife? Who would have the gall to say that to a husband's face?

Let's not forget how the wife confronted him. He says she 'confessed', but then immediately turns around and demands he accept her infidelity. Right away? That makes no sense. If she was that kind of woman she likely would have separated with her husband then and there. If she wanted to go down the 'ultimatum' road, and have the husband accept it, the last thing you would do would be to make an ultimatum immediately after 'confessing'. If you want to sell this to your husband, you need to use finesse, not force.

Then there is the suggestion that she still 'loves him' in the original post, yet in a followup she supposedly says 'he works too much, is too emotionally sensitive, is physically unattractive to her, dreads having sex with him', and according to the friend, isn't a 'real man'. It doesn't sound like she loves him at all if this is what she thinks about him.

I could go on, but this doesn't pass the smell test to me.
 
Hmmm ... if this is a cuckold fantasy, that changes what kind of (hypothetical) advice I'd give.
 
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