Husband adjusting to my time not being dedicated to him

M

MsEmotional

Member
I am really annoyed with my husband right now. He is saying that it is really difficult to carve out time for us when I am spending so much with Ponytail. We have one dedicated evening per week together, but we often spontaneously hang out if it works out with our schedules. When I pointed out that I hadn't even realized that Glasses was trying to carve out time with me, he said that it was hard for him to adjust to the fact that he can't just expect that I will be around during my free time and that we cannot have spontaneous alone time when the mood strikes and the kids are in bed.

This really annoys me. While I get it that he has gotten used to me being at his beck and call, he rarely initiates such activities and often is not in the mood when I do. So for him to frame this as "we hardly get any time to carve out for each other anymore" is making me feel particularly bitter and annoyed. Especially since Ponytail is usually willing to drive across the city at the drop of a hat if I have time that I can spend with him. And my Glasses can't even reliably be in be in the mood to come to the couch and watch a movie with me? How can he expect that he would get first dibs on my time?

Is this an expected struggle on the journey to opening up a relationship? What should I be doing differently?
 
MsEmotional said:
How can he expect that he would get first dibs on my time?
Is this an expected struggle on the journey to opening up a relationship? What should I be doing differently?
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It sounds to me like you've let go of one of the default assumptions that come along with long term committed relationships (and especially marriages) and he hasn't yet. Mononormative culture absolutely 100% supports the idea that he gets first dibs on your time. Has the dynamic between you borne that out until now, whether or not you were invested in it? What I mean is, whether or not you ever believed that marrying someone should or does give them first dibs on your time, how has this played out between you before there was another partner in the mix?

Just some food for thought.
 
sunray said:
It sounds to me like you've let go of one of the default assumptions that come along with long term committed relationships (and especially marriages) and he hasn't yet. Mononormative culture absolutely 100% supports the idea that he gets first dibs on your time. Has the dynamic between you borne that out until now, whether or not you were invested in it? What I mean is, whether or not you ever believed that marrying someone should or does give them first dibs on your time, how has this played out between you before there was another partner in the mix?

Just some food for thought.
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You're right. That's basically how our relationship has defaulted. I just am surprised that, with other partners in the mix, he doesn't see that as problematic.

I always ask if it would be okay for Ponytail to come over when it is not our scheduled time. It's always at a time when Glasses is tired and napping or something anyway, so he always says it is fine. I think that's what bothers me -- is that he acts like I'm stealing time from him when he has been consulted and not brought up these concerns at the time.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like your husband is taking you for granted. I can imagine that doesn't make you feel good. He is kind of being lazy; he wants more time with you but he isn't willing to take the initiative. I'm sure this is a bump in the road, not a deal breaker, and to some extent you are probably venting. But it is a problem, and you will probably have to have more conversations with him about this.

I hope you can get some things worked out with him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MsEmotional... it sounds to me as if Glasses is expressing some degree of insecurity and/or jealousy here, whether or not he is willing to admit it, and is acting out.

Polyamory is a new-ish situation for both of you, right? Perhaps he is or was fine with opening up in a theoretical sense ( i.e. on an intellectual level he understands, and maybe even wholeheartedly agrees with polyamory as a valid relationship model) and has enjoyed it, or at least had no particular objection thus far. However, now the reality of the situation is beginning to hit him.

How much of a homebody is Glasses? It's possible he feels it is already "generous" of him to accept your conducting an extraneous relationship one night a week at the home you both share. If he feels tired and wants to nap or just chill out and enjoy some alone time, he may feel Ponytail is being intrusive by coming over at these times, or that by inviting your boyfriend over at those times, you are not respecting his (Glasses') need for privacy/peace and quiet, even if he had given verbal consent. (If your husband is normally an amenable, conflict-avoidant kind of guy, the consent may have been granted grudgingly.)

I think these kinds of issues are normal and to be expected when first opening up a long-term platonic relationship. There are new dynamics at play here as well as recent agreements that may need to be discussed and re-negotiated more than once until the V finds its feet. Each individual and the separate dyads within the V need to be cool with how time and space is being allocated, especially within yours and Glasses home, which is not neutral territory.

Some people view home as "their" own private sanctuary; a haven of peace, comfort and privacy for the individual/couple/family who reside there. It sounds as if Glasses is beginning to resent these more regular incursions (that he may view as intrusions) into his space. Maybe he is voicing his objection to THIS aspect of the arrangement, when subconsciously he may be having second thoughts about the poly agreement itself or some OTHER aspect of it (insecurity over your seemingly greater enthusiasm for time spent with Ponytail)... but finds it easier to nitpick at some relatively minor gripe rather than address what is really at the heart of his discontent.
 
I don't think that he should get to make the assumption that unscheduled time defaults to him, so that's something that he's going to have to work on and get over. Scheduling is key in poly.

But to play devil's advocate here for a second, or maybe look at things from his point of view.... how much time are you currently spending with Ponytail vs Glasses? You mentioned that there are times when hubby is busy or tired or whatever, so you'll ask if he minds if Ponytail comes over. That sounds totally reasonable to me since Glasses can't really give you his time or energy in that moment. But does that mean that Ponytail is getting a ton of scheduled time plus spontaneous time and Glasses is getting left with not much time? If that IS the case, then would it be possible to swap days/times instead of just giving more of your time to Ponytail and not offering more time to Glasses? Hmmm, not really finding a good way to describe this. But I'm thinking... if Glasses has issues with energy, is it possible that he's struggling with feeling like he often is burned out on energy when his scheduled time comes up, but then when he does have the energy reserves to spend quality time together, that ends up being time that you're already scheduled with Ponytail?

Or is it really just him being lazy, or wanting his cake and eating it too? I'm not trying to defend his actions by any means, I'm just feeling like I don't really have enough information to know if this is a situation where he needs to be told to deal with him crap and suck it up, or if there's something else going on where it might be a matter of talking out some solution that works for everyone.

Either way, none of that changes the fact that your time is your own to do what you want and spend it with who you want. So THAT is definitely something that he needs to learn and internalize!!
 
I think you should try to not make this a big problem.

He's annoyed that your time is not his, 'cause he's been used to it.
You're annoyed that he didn't drop the assumption on spot.

You best both try not to take annoyance out on each other. It's what it is - a matter of communication maybe, but even more of getting used to.
 
How much of Glasses time with you involves mundane household child rearing?

Do you date him too like you do Ponytail?

Butch got upset early on because Murf got fun me. Murf and I didn't have financial, child rearing, household concerns or etc with me at the time. We went out and had fun. While Butch was at home and got domestic me. Who is not fun...lol. I stepped back and started dating him too again. Going out doing things as a couple without the kids. No Kid or house talk was allowed. Guess what he was happier. I was happier. Now that I am creeping up on 6 years with Murf and we have intertwined finances and our lives and the NRE has transitioned to ERE things have gotten better.
 
MsEmotional said:
You're right. That's basically how our relationship has defaulted. I just am surprised that, with other partners in the mix, he doesn't see that as problematic.

I always ask if it would be okay for Ponytail to come over when it is not our scheduled time. It's always at a time when Glasses is tired and napping or something anyway, so he always says it is fine. I think that's what bothers me -- is that he acts like I'm stealing time from him when he has been consulted and not brought up these concerns at the time.
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But then he brings it up and you are annoyed with him...

There is a flipside to what some people are saying here. Sometimes it's just nice to be in the same house together. Does there really have to be constant interaction? I think it would suck to have to constantly entertain a partner or she'll just go elsewhere.

So now that he has communicated the problem, what's your solution?
 
vinsanity0 said:
But then he brings it up and you are annoyed with him...

There is a flipside to what some people are saying here. Sometimes it's just nice to be in the same house together. Does there really have to be constant interaction? I think it would suck to have to constantly entertain a partner or she'll just go elsewhere.

So now that he has communicated the problem, what's your solution?
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Huh. This is very different from my style. I don't get much out of being in the same house with someone if we aren't actually spending time together. I would much rather that they go elsewhere or that I go elsewhere so that I don't feel like we are wasting our time together. I'd rather be getting something else taken care of so that when they are ready to spend time with me I will be able to I've them my attention.

We are in conversation. Now I feel like I am not totally seeing things from Glasses' point of view, but I am willing to make compromises that help him feel like things are more equitable. But Ponytail is digging in his heels and worried that this is the beginning of a long list of line-item vetos. So basically we are at an impasse. And it's driving me bonkers because I feel like neither of them is being reasonable with each other at this point.
 
Are they being reasonable with you? It's not their responsibility to be reasonable for eachother; just you.

It's okay to have feelings. Always.

How they are acted on makes the difference.
 
MsEmotional said:
Huh. This is very different from my style. I don't get much out of being in the same house with someone if we aren't actually spending time together. I would much rather that they go elsewhere or that I go elsewhere so that I don't feel like we are wasting our time together. I'd rather be getting something else taken care of so that when they are ready to spend time with me I will be able to I've them my attention.

We are in conversation. Now I feel like I am not totally seeing things from Glasses' point of view, but I am willing to make compromises that help him feel like things are more equitable. But Ponytail is digging in his heels and worried that this is the beginning of a long list of line-item vetos. So basically we are at an impasse. And it's driving me bonkers because I feel like neither of them is being reasonable with each other at this point.
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John Lennon once said, "Time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time." To you, this may not be the case, but it certainly sounds like it is for Glasses. It's good that you're talking about it, and trying to see his perspective. Remember, this is a major adjustment that, from his vantage point, there isn't nearly as much of an upside as it is for you. You went from 1 to 2, and he went from 1 to 1/2. Mathematically speaking, you have 4 TIMES what he does. And he does it to make you happy... is it really such a surprise that he's going to have trouble with this at times? Especially if Ponytail's time keeps growing.
 
CTF said:
John Lennon once said, "Time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time." To you, this may not be the case, but it certainly sounds like it is for Glasses. It's good that you're talking about it, and trying to see his perspective. Remember, this is a major adjustment that, from his vantage point, there isn't nearly as much of an upside as it is for you. You went from 1 to 2, and he went from 1 to 1/2. Mathematically speaking, you have 4 TIMES what he does. And he does it to make you happy... is it really such a surprise that he's going to have trouble with this at times? Especially if Ponytail's time keeps growing.
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Thank you. I needed to hear this perspective.

As an aside, Glasses has another partner now too. But his partner can only be with him one day a week, which is why I think he feels like that should be enough for Ponytail.
 
1234567 said:
Are they being reasonable with you? It's not their responsibility to be reasonable for eachother; just you.

It's okay to have feelings. Always.

How they are acted on makes the difference.
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Hmmm...I think they are being unreasonable with me BECAUSE I am, by definition, stuck in the middle. They aren't dealing with each other directly and so their unreasonableness with each other is all channeled through me. I am the messenger, and any time that I bring an idea to one of them, that person gets defensive because they feel like they are being ganged up upon. Ponytail sees couple privilege anytime I agree with Glasses and Glasses sees runaway NRE anytime I agree with Ponytail. Both of them try to see things from the others' perspective, but ultimately I think they are just really scared of each other and channeling that fear into being obstinate with me.
 
At one point, weren't you seeing Ponytail FIVE times per week?

There have been several problems in just the past two-three months regarding how much attention Ponytail needs and his insecurities. It's little wonder to me that Glasses is feeling left behind.
 
MsEmotional said:
Hmmm...I think they are being unreasonable with me BECAUSE I am, by definition, stuck in the middle. They aren't dealing with each other directly and so their unreasonableness with each other is all channeled through me. I am the messenger, and any time that I bring an idea to one of them, that person gets defensive because they feel like they are being ganged up upon. Ponytail sees couple privilege anytime I agree with Glasses and Glasses sees runaway NRE anytime I agree with Ponytail. Both of them try to see things from the others' perspective, but ultimately I think they are just really scared of each other and channeling that fear into being obstinate with me.
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Ahh, I'm sensing an issue here in the spillage of communication. If either one of them comes to you with a request, or scheduling, or whatever else, then that's something that you need to negotiate with them (while taking the other partner into account) but you *don't* need to actually tell the other partner what their meta said or asked.

So if Ponytail is saying "I want to see you 4 days a week!" (made that up) then you can certainly have a schedule discussion with Glasses about how much you and Glasses want to spend time together and have a convo with Ponytail about how much time you and he want to spend together, but ultimately your response to Ponytail is then either "yes, I can and am willing to spend 4 days a week with you" or it's "sorry, but I just can't swing 4 days a week, but I am willing to give you X." At no point in those conversations do you have to tell Glasses that Ponytail asked for 4 days a week, nor do you have to tell Ponytail that Glasses is definitely not ok with 4 days a week. Your time is yours and your boundaries are yours and your decisions are yours. Them hearing too much about what the other wants is pitting them against one another, when really all they need to be doing is each of them working out with you what you're willing to give them.

I think it's also important to communicate to each partner by saying what you want to do with them, not what you're "allowed" to do, or using any language that indicates that it's not your decision or like you got "permission" from the other party. Not saying that you specifically do that, just pointing out that it's a thing that I have tried to be more cautious of with partners.

I've had similar issues with my own meta recently where I finally realized that a big part of the problem was just our hinge telling me way too much about the scheduling disagreements that he was having with my meta and having to hear about her frustration, which would then frustrate me since I think she's getting more than enough time and also getting exactly what she was told she could expect when they started dating and it's just her own expectations that changed (without negotiating that with our hinge). So I had to be like "yeah, I don't want to hear it anymore, it's just irritating me. So you need to manage your stuff with her and keep me out of it. You and I can talk about the pertinent stuff when we're working out schedules and figure out what dates we have plans, but I don't really need to hear about all the drama." Having a break from all the BS will give me a chance to stop being irritated with my meta (since it's built to the point where even little things just piss me off) and we can get back to a baseline and everyone can be cool with each other. Sounds like your guys need that too.
 
MsEmotional said:
We are in conversation. Now I feel like I am not totally seeing things from Glasses' point of view, but I am willing to make compromises that help him feel like things are more equitable. But Ponytail is digging in his heels and worried that this is the beginning of a long list of line-item vetos. So basically we are at an impasse.
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Huh.
It's totally good that you're having this conversation with Glasses.
But I'm puzzled by the Ponytail line. Why is he even worrying about the problem? Why does he even know already? Is it possible that you gave him too much info here? I mean, this is a conversation in progress between you and your husband. Why should ponytail even know before you even understand your husbands point of view? Why should he think this is a veto -- have you been considering cutting down on your time with him by a large amount? IMHO it's time to talk to ponytail about issues with your husband only if and when you really need his input, when you're about to ask him about his attitude or when a solution is proposed that might affect him.
I really recommend sorting out Glasses's issues with Glasses and Ponytail's issues with Ponytail unless there are good reasons to involve both. Don't even tell the other there are issues - it's respectful of privacy and it doesn't stirr unnecessary worry. If you're always transmitting their issues with each other to the other person, you're feeding the insecurity and competition.

edit: Ah, breathemusic is saying basically the same but better.
 
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Op you are being a sloppy hinge.

Stop sharing information between you partners regarding scheduling beyond when you are available and stop oversharing the other partners wants.

You discuss with Glasses the schedule for your household. Responsibilities to your children should be #1.

Then you go to Ponytail and say I am available at these times. If you make special plans with Ponytail you go to Glasses and say I would like to change the schedule to this.

Stop letting Ponytail have spontaneous time with you other than occassionally. You let him know when you are available and stick to that schedule.

I split my time between two households. My homes are 23 miles apart. I work 45 hours a week. I work an hour from the home I share with Murf. I also have 2 boys who are 14 and 10 who have activities and social lives. 11 pets that need care. I have 3 dogs, 2 cats, 1 Conure, 2 parakeets & 2 guinea pigs at one house and another dog at the other. I am busy. My guys work crazy schedules. Butch works 7 days is off 2 and then woeks 8 days and is off 4 days. All different shifts at times. Murf works 12 hours shifts two days on two days off then three days on two off two says on three off. Try synching that up. But we do.

The household I share with Butch is the busy one. There are times when I have had to say to Murf I know you are available because you took an extra day off or etc but I am not. Does he get bummed yes but it is adult life.

Ponytail needs to realize his girlfriend has another partner and children that need her time without his involvement.

Glasses needs to realize that Ponytail has more availability than his other partner and just because his other relationship is one way doesn't mean your other relationship will or should be the same.
 
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sunray said:
It sounds to me like you've let go of one of the default assumptions that come along with long term committed relationships (and especially marriages) and he hasn't yet. Mononormative culture absolutely 100% supports the idea that he gets first dibs on your time. Has the dynamic between you borne that out until now, whether or not you were invested in it? What I mean is, whether or not you ever believed that marrying someone should or does give them first dibs on your time, how has this played out between you before there was another partner in the mix?

Just some food for thought.
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I feel this one. I brush aside some of the comments that upset me as allowing my husband, Basketball, to adjust, but he'll make comments about me and my priorities and how they need to be the family ---

but in my eyes I want ALL of my boyfriends to be family. Everyone is priority. The only priority is my kids, and because he's their father doesn't mean he has priority when it comes to my personal choice time you know?

At the same time, he's working hard to adjust to the changes, so I work hard to listen and let him express those feelings and work to resolve things. I'm hoping in time it gets easier and easier for him, which we have continued to move in a positive direction over the last two years as it is. I wouldn't say I've moved at his pace, but I haven't moved at mine either, somewhere in between.

MsE, being a hinge is hard, especially when they are so reliant on you. I've had times when I felt like I had NONE of my own time because someone has always wanted me to spend time with them. You definitely need to set your own boundaries there and determine what YOU want first. But at the same time, being someone who likes to make everyone happy ends up with me compromising myself sometimes and then ending up no one is happy. So those lines are definitely important. I completely understand and am still working on them.

This is kinda rambly, but I relate to you (OP) on a lot of fronts.
 
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breathemusic said:
Ahh, I'm sensing an issue here in the spillage of communication. If either one of them comes to you with a request, or scheduling, or whatever else, then that's something that you need to negotiate with them (while taking the other partner into account) but you *don't* need to actually tell the other partner what their meta said or asked.

So if Ponytail is saying "I want to see you 4 days a week!" (made that up) then you can certainly have a schedule discussion with Glasses about how much you and Glasses want to spend time together and have a convo with Ponytail about how much time you and he want to spend together, but ultimately your response to Ponytail is then either "yes, I can and am willing to spend 4 days a week with you" or it's "sorry, but I just can't swing 4 days a week, but I am willing to give you X." At no point in those conversations do you have to tell Glasses that Ponytail asked for 4 days a week, nor do you have to tell Ponytail that Glasses is definitely not ok with 4 days a week. Your time is yours and your boundaries are yours and your decisions are yours. Them hearing too much about what the other wants is pitting them against one another, when really all they need to be doing is each of them working out with you what you're willing to give them.

I think it's also important to communicate to each partner by saying what you want to do with them, not what you're "allowed" to do, or using any language that indicates that it's not your decision or like you got "permission" from the other party. Not saying that you specifically do that, just pointing out that it's a thing that I have tried to be more cautious of with partners.

I've had similar issues with my own meta recently where I finally realized that a big part of the problem was just our hinge telling me way too much about the scheduling disagreements that he was having with my meta and having to hear about her frustration, which would then frustrate me since I think she's getting more than enough time and also getting exactly what she was told she could expect when they started dating and it's just her own expectations that changed (without negotiating that with our hinge). So I had to be like "yeah, I don't want to hear it anymore, it's just irritating me. So you need to manage your stuff with her and keep me out of it. You and I can talk about the pertinent stuff when we're working out schedules and figure out what dates we have plans, but I don't really need to hear about all the drama." Having a break from all the BS will give me a chance to stop being irritated with my meta (since it's built to the point where even little things just piss me off) and we can get back to a baseline and everyone can be cool with each other. Sounds like your guys need that too.
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Whoa. This blew my mind. Thank you. I had considered not explaining where the request was coming from, but I thought that to phrase it as my own request instead of my partner's would be dishonest. I am glad to hear that this is what I SHOULD be doing -- that being transparent about the reasoning for every request is inadvertently putting them in competition with each other.
 
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