Husband is poly and Iam not

L1zz13l, I get the impression that you are being set up -- maybe unintentionally -- to become the Mommy in this situation. I hope that you will put your foot down NOW & make clear to everyone that you are NOT interested in being babysitter / nanny / cook / housemaid.

I suspect it's all rather "scripty" as they say in therapy. Has the suggestion been made yet about all four of you living together? It'll probably be couched as to how much cash you (the married couple) would save because your s/o wouldn't be paying so much to support his "accidental" bastard offspring. And then the "let's adopt it!!" light will come on... :(
 
So your husband says that he is "not giving up" on you and your relationship. But he refuses to consider any of your suggestions for how to make the situation work? And you asked him to move back in with you, but that hasn't happened?

Forget what he says. What does his behavior tell you? Is he doing *anything* that suggests he is still interested in making you happy? You said that you've read the books I suggested; has he? As the hinge in a poly V that he created without your consent, he's got a lot of work to do. Is he trying to educate himself about how to be a good partner to you in this situation? When he rejected your idea of scheduling his time with her, did he make any suggestions for other ways to accommodate your needs and concerns, or did he just say "no, I don't want to do that"?

You didn't "want" to have your husband establish a relationship with someone new behind your back and get you pregnant. But you're trying to figure out how to live with it; is he trying to meet you halfway and help you feel more comfortable? It doesn't sound like it from what you're saying here.

If by "not giving up" he means "I'll continue to see you when it's convenient for me and my new love, and benefit from your love and support, but I'm not going to live with you or do anything to accommodate your needs," then you really should think about whether you'd be better off without him.
 
I want work on us like I keep telling him and he is kinda working on us. I know that he wants to be with me full time sorry I don't know the terminology yet. And that we will be together most of the time bc Iam his wife and he has said numerous times that he would never leave me. He has also told her that he would never leave me. And I know at 1st she got pissed about but he just told her that she was gonna have to deal with it bc he was never leaving me.
To be honest I don't know if he has read anything. I know with me finding out as much as I can bout it bc I want my marriage to work I have told him stuff that I thought would help us. I trying to find as much info as I can about this so it will help me. Help us
I have made things clear that I will be there for the child but that Iam not a babysitter for them to do whatever. I have also told him that yes we will be there to support the child but that she is NOT our responsibility
 
It sounds like you're getting things worked out as well as possible under the circumstances. Continue to learn as much as you can about poly, and I think you'll be okay.
 
I want to thank everyone for the advice Iam feeling more comfortable about the situation and of course still learning everything I can.. I know I Gina have my up and downs with it but I love my husband and I think Iam gonna be ok.
Thanks again everyone
 
And I know that if she was not pregnant with my husband child he probably would not be with her bc of how she acts. But bc there is a child involved now he can't leave her.
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He could stop dating her. People break up all the time. "Staying together romantically for the kids" is not always wise.

I think maybe you mean he doesn't want to break up with her because he feels responsible? If so? He could still do his child responsibilities anyway without dating the mother if he doesn't like how she acts and behaves.

He could coparent, pay support, share custody, clean poo, help with homework, all of it. Showing up for his kid is showing up for his kid. Lots of divorced dads do that all the time.

Maybe she would rather give him full custody and be a weekend mom instead?

I know you are still talking and straightening things out for how this blended family will be. So in case some questions help you in that clarifying work.... I offer them up. (I do not expect you to answer them here.)

  • What is his role as your "husband?" What does that mean? What behaviors are expected? Start doing X? Stop doing Y?

  • What is his role to the mother? Is he a "boyfriend" or a "coparent" or "like we got divorced" or what? What does that mean? What behaviors are expected? Start doing X? Stop doing Y?

  • And what kind of father is he to the child? Is he a "hands on father" or a "weekend father" or "shared custody father" or "full custody father" or what? What does that mean? What behaviors are expected? Start doing X? Stop doing Y?

  • And what role are you as his "wife?" What does that mean? What behaviors are expected? Start doing X? Stop doing Y?

  • And to the child you are what? "Dad's wife?" "My step mom?" Something else?What does that mean? What behaviors are expected? Start doing X? Stop doing Y?

  • What sort of blended family is this? What are the expectations? Is everyone on the same page?
  • If it all sucks, how do YOU get out of it? (Emergency back up plan?)

I'm not saying this to scare you off or dishearten you.

I am saying to talk really well and plan ALL the things. Like "hope for the best, but plan for the worst."

If this goes nuts, have your exit plan already made and your own money and all that sorted out. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

I hope it works out like you wish.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I agree with Galagirl's suggestions. It's great that you both want to work on things, but it sounds like you haven't gotten much clarity on how this is all going to work. Better to really think about what you want, and then have some discussions with him and his GF about what they want, and try to come up with a plan, rather than dealing with each situation as it comes up.

I'm confused about how he can be "full time" with you if he is living with the GF and doesn't want to schedule time with her. But whatever it means, just try to get specific with him about what you want and need, and what he is offering you now. Would you like to be involved with the child or not? How much of his time do you need? Can some of that be time with the baby? What kind of practical and logistical support do you need from him? What does GF need, and how will he give you both what you need?

Good luck!
 
dragonette.. he won't be living with her. She can't even afford her on place. She lives with her parents. And I have made it clear that I/we are not financially supporting her. That I/ we will support the child. And I have also made it clear that I would never live in the same house with her again.

Thanks Galagirl for the question to ask myself..
I was able to answer some of them..
thanks again
 
Well, surely you were aware from the beginning of how much younger she is than you. Her immaturity can't come as a complete surprise.

Yes, your husband CAN leave her. He can set up a co-parenting arrangement and pay child support. Happens all the time.

Please tell me she at least has A JOB. I'm sure her parents must be absolutely thrilled with this situation.
 
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Nope no job I think that she expected him to support her but I have put my foot down about that... she wants someone to take her.. and she doesn't like the idea of my husband telling her that he would never leave me.. he has made that clear to her. She is very jealous of me.. I am not jealous of her bc I know she is acting like child... I just don't like her bc of how she is acting.
He won't leave her bc he is worried that she will take his son from him and that pisses me off.. bc she dangling his unborn child in his face to keep him around
 
I think you are right in being firm and not wanting anything to do with her or negotiating with her when she wants to use a kid as a weapon. Yuck!

He won't leave her bc he is worried that she will take his son from him and that pisses me off.. bc she dangling his unborn child in his face to keep him around
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I would say he was foolish to not use birth control then. He put himself in this emotional blackmail position.

If she is going to use the child as a weapon, the most loving thing the Dad could do is back off and just send child support payments. Whether she lists him on the birth certificate as father or not. And wait til child is grown to connect with child. Become a "financial dad" and give up being a "hands on in early childhood dad" so HE takes her power away. And so that child can grow up NOT witnessing fights like this thinking child is the cause of all the drama when really its the mother. (Children tend to blame themselves. I would hope the Dad is looking out for the child's mental health even if it means taking a bullet for the kid.)

She cannot make drama with him if he's just not there. And that way the kid is not caught in the middle.

If he's allowing her to blackmail him? That's not taking a bullet for the kid. That's taking a bullet for her. Because the kid still has to grow up watching fights and weird and whatever.

If she's that childish/vindictive/weird? He could offer to pay all her medical bills and take the child off her hands. Even pay her extra money for HER. You guys get full custody, you guys adopt him. She waives all her rights and she can go on her merry way living her 22 yr old life free of parenting responsibilities with money to blow.

And you choose to view it not as "Paying money to support her" but "Paying money to support YOU so you can move into the future drama free." Then you are rid of her in your life. Neither of you sounds like you want her there.

HOW he is around is not up to her. It is up to him.

If he allows her to blackmail him? He chooses to participate in that? You can bow out. Leave them to that mess.

I guess that's another list question. (You don't have to answer here.)

  • What do I expect of myself in all this? Where do I draw the line on my limit of tolerance for shenanigans? At what point is the line crossed? Behaviors like X? Y? Once that happens, I am gone.
  • Can I respect/love my husband if he allows himself to be blackmailed? If I do not respect/love him, how long can I keep on with him?

Because once you define your personal standards and your limit of tolerance to yourself?

All you do it sit back, watch, and measure. Hits the limit? You are out. No more shenanigans for you. Whatever shenanigans they keep on doing? Nothing to do with you any more. You still don't hold it against the child... but then you are free of all this drama.

Galagirl
 
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Her giving up her rights is out of the question. Trust me I would love that but that will never happen.. and mine husband giving up his rights either. He want to be there to take care of his son...
 
Why are you the one who tangling yourself up in knots over the situation THEY created?

Don't think for a second that, once the baby is born, this girl isn't going to use every trick in the book to herd him off from you. Before you scoff, "Oh, that won't happen with US," I strongly advise you to at least keep that in the realm of possibility and protect yourself accordingly.
 
Powerpuffgirl I have thought of that.. it's in my mind everyday. Even though he has told me that she understands that he would never leave me. I do not put it pass her to try it. I want to talk to her and here from her mouth that she understands that she is the GF/ baby momma and that Iam the wife and Iam not going anywhere and that he would never leave me. But he keep saying that she knows. He afraid that me and her will get into it. I keep telling him that even though I don't like her that I would be civil to her and talk to her like an adult bc Iam one.
 
From everything I have read and what you all have told me this is not how a poly relationship is. Everyone is supposed to get along and be on the same page.. Iam right or Iam missing something. I know I can accept being in a poly relationship but everything just feels so wrong bout how this is. I mean I know if the situation was different I would be ok with it. But bc of this F up situation and how it came about and everything being hid from me.. I having a hard time.
 
Sigh. I mean this kindly ok? :(

eeverything just feels so wrong bout how this is. I mean I know if the situation was different I would be ok with it. But bc of this F up situation and how it came about and everything being hid from me.. I having a hard time.
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You seem to see clear enough. It IS wrong, fucked up and you were betrayed. You SHOULD feel bad after someone hurts you this badly. That's how you know you are NOT ok with it. And it is well past time to GET OUT so you don't get hurt worse. Why ignore your inner smoke alarm?

When the smoke alarm goes off? You can try to put out the fire if small. If grown too wild and crazy? You leave the house! Not get a hammer to smack the smoke alarm to get it to stop beeping. And risk dying in the raging fire.

Is a relationship with this kind of man and this drama worth "dying" for in your emotional, mental and spiritual health? It's already cost you how much in strain and stress?
You willing to keep on paying?

In your shoes? Married 2 years, and THIS much crazy when it should still be kinda honeymoon-y? I would answer "NO. Not worth it. I deserve better than this."

I'd dump him now before they try to saddle me with baby care or I get attached to a baby that is not mine. I would move on with the rest of my life without this mess dragging me down. This is not the kind of "poly" I would want to be doing. In my definition this would NOT be poly at all. It's not even sane sounding to me. Or kind to the unborn child.

I only get the one life. It's not a dress rehearsal. And I want MY life to be nice and normal and not a fucked up mess.

I would not admire my husband behaving so lame like this after he's dumb enough to share sex with no birth control with a dinky 22 year old child.

I would not admire either of them using the unborn baby as a weapon against each other. It's basically Solomon's judgement. Only in that story, the real mother said "No! Don't cut the baby in half! Just give her the baby so it lives even if it means I'm not in the picture. Save the baby!" In this one? Neither of them wants to actually save the baby from any grief or harm. They are doing tug-o-war ripping it in half before it is even here. Arguing "I'm the better parent! No me!" but who is ACTUALLY parenting? Nobody.

They are dooming this child to live in a war zone between him and her before it is even born. Instead of keeping it from harm, they are building it a prison. I can imagine them going at it hammer and tongs trying to "prove" who is "being there more" for the baby. When actually the baby lives with crazy all around it. Be kinder for the "real parent" to bow out and let the baby live in a quieter, more normal, less violent environment.

YOU are an adult. YOU find it hard to deal with. How's an infant gonna cope? :(

Maybe her parents will step in and save baby from these crazy people. Kick her out and tell her to grow up and stop being so...LAME. And tell him to take a hike too. One can hope.

Right now? You are adding to the war zone.

  • Him and her are tug-o-war over the baby.
  • You and her seem to want to tug-o-war over him.

I want to talk to her and here from her mouth that she understands that she is the GF/ baby momma and that Iam the wife and Iam not going anywhere and that he would never leave me.
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Why get so territorial over him? When he behaves so lame? What's so great about him? He lied and betrayed you. Maybe it's same old shit, different day only now he's playing you a new lie/song called "I'd never leave ya, baby." Just to keep you on the string in a situation you find fucked up.

Ever think maybe he LIKES this? All the attention revolving around him? Some personalities are like that. Chaos manufacture people who want to be the "star" of their own soap opera.

I think deep down you know this is WAY screwed up. And you are best off walking away from the crazy people. NOT signing up to be tied to them for the rest of your life. Leave with sorrow and regrets maybe. But leave all the same. Get out of the burning house.

It's not the baby's fault. But it isn't yours either. Not your mess to clean up.

Your only mistake is marrying a partner who didn't turn out to be who you thought after all. And that's an honest mistake. Not weird hinky stuff like they are busy doing.

I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

I will point out you can choose to STOP dealing in it if it is grinding you down. Could choose to walk away and NOT deal with it any more.

Better to linger in the healing space than linger in Crazy Town.

Galagirl
 
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L1zz13l said:
From everything I have read and what you all have told me this is not how a poly relationship is.
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That's because these endless waves of bullshit ARE NOT polyamory, by ANY stretch of the imagination, despite all-too-common Romantic misperceptions.

It's nonmonogamy, & not a good example of THAT.

Your husband might actually be a great guy, but (IMO) he's acting like a brain-dead dick.

If you can manage to snap him out of his idiocy, great -- maybe you can even prevent him from getting into a similar situation in the future.

If not, your options consist of variations on supporting him -- financially, emotionally, & so on -- in his fantasy. And I see no reason why his g/f won't stop tightening her grip on his testicles.

Heck, maybe she'll get bored with him at some point, take her (emphasis HER) kid & leave for some cute new guy. And then YOU will get to deal with the wreckage, possibly including blame for messing up such a "great" relationship.

In sum, I don't see much room for upside for you. I'd say get him away from her, or quit him. Sorry, it's just ugly.
 
GalaGirl said:
Is a relationship with this kind of man and this drama worth "dying" for in your emotional, mental and spiritual health?
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Worth highlighting and asking again.


Lizz, you keep saying that your husband would never leave you, but you've been married two years and already he's cheated, chosen an immature lover with no independence, not used birth control and gotten himself tangled up in custody issues about a kid that's not even born yet. What makes you think that his word means anything? What makes you think that the subsequent 50 years with him will be any different than the first two? Why are you hanging on him and to all of this? Instead of complaining about how awful she is and his bad behavior, tell us how you plan to go forward in your life to have something that approximates fulfillment and peace of mind. Why are you hanging on to a crap situation and people with ridiculously poor judgment just because your husband keeps promising not to leave you?
 
Yeah, I'm changing my opinion. Just dump his sorry butt. He probably IS enjoying all the drama that is playing itself out around him.

I believe you mentioned earlier in this thread that you have two kids from a previous relationship. This can't be good for them.

Just let him and his 21-year-old, no job, living with her parents girlfriend figure this out on their own. No man is worth this.

Was this a culmination of a "unicorn" arrangement gone south?
 
Op Galagirl and others have said it more eloquently than I can or will...

Run...

Cut your losses..

This situation is not just a short-term hiccup but is going to be 20 years plus of clusterfuck. No man is worth the headache this is going to be. Protect yourself emotionally and financially and GTFO of Dodge.
 
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