Husband upset over confidant

B

BrianneGoddess

New member
My mono husband is trying really hard to accept my ideas on poly relationships. Sunday night I spent the evening with a close girlfriend, who I have been chatting to about my evolving fluidity and my ideas on poly. She has mostly been supportive although I got the feeling that she was also trying to make a subtle move on me (she is divorced and ready to start dating again)

Husband wanted to know what we spoke about for so long and I mentioned that I was telling her about how I'm not ready for someone new right now because he and I are still sorting it all out.

He freaked - not because she has been making suggestive moves on me, but because she knows about these changes in my life!!

I was floored - is it okay for him to expect that I will only talk to him about these massive thoughts, feelings and emotions? He then walked out the room immediately after saying that I should only talk to him, and I sensed that he was hurt because he feels if people know they will say/think he has failed me, failed our marriage and that he is not enough for him.

Meanwhile the friends I have told have been only so supportive and greatly admire him for managing to cope with everything I have thrown at him.

Thoughts on this? Am I wrong for talking to a few select close friends? Open communication between he and I is fairly new. AND I don't think he will manage with the way I need to dissect and rehash each thought and idea and memory with my nearly love.
 
Open communication between he and I is fairly new.
Click to expand...

FWIW, it's is old for me and my DH.

And he STILL had a freak out when I told him a friend and I were talking about perimenopause and libido and how it was playing out in our respective marriages. I was amazed at the freak out because we have another agreement that says "Don't overload me, esp when I first get home from work. Talk to your friends when you can, and give me the Cliff Notes." I thought that is what I was doing!

Later on he apologized and that it was his own ego talking at first... like afraid that I would be dissing his moves in bed or something weird like that. When he calmed down he realized I was right to talk to other women because he's not in perimenopause and he has NO idea what to suggest for dealing with symptoms. What are good ways to handle hot flashes and libido changes and whatnot. Who are good docs in our area or not.

In your case?

It might be more comfortable for HIM if you only talk to him. Then he doesn't have to deal with facing these fears:

"if people know they will say/think he has failed me, failed our marriage and that he is not enough for me."​

But it could also be he was upset to be blindsided by yet ANOTHER thing. It's a big paradigm shift for BOTH of you right now.

I think if this is weighing you down, it's ok for you to air out with a counselor, a trusted friend, etc. You are right that some of the times between you and him has to be "regular" time, not always "processing things." You guys need a break from it!

I think you could tell him that you are sorry he is upset. That you didn't know you telling the friend would upset him so. Ask him to remember you are new to this too and will make some mistakes. Both of you are adjusting.

Explain you don't want to overload him with too much of your stuff, when he has his own load to digest.

But at the same time you do need to have time, space and people to work on your stuff. You cannot get other perspectives only talking to him.

Then suggest compromise.

In order to (meet his comfort zone need some) AND (meet your need to express people some)...
from this list of people you made (him, relatives, friends, counselor, online forums etc) could he be willing to pick his top 3 "safe enough" for the next X weeks or months?

Then you get more than 1 person, but he gets to feel "safe enough" because he helped give input in the selection and he wasn't blindsided by yet another thing. REDUCE both your loads. Not pile up more loads.

You might want to read this to gain some perspective on how he might be feeling right now.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

Galagirl
 
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What an insightful article! Thank you for sharing it with me GalaGirl! :)

I like the idea of him having input about who he is comfortable with me talking to. I'm trying hard to give him time to come to terms with everything I have thrown at him recently, I think this may help.

I also like your idea to explain that I don't want to overwhelm him - which is totally true! This is intense for me, and he and I have very different communication styles and ideas.

thanks again :)
 
Speaking as mono here, as well as being an incredibly private person in my own right... It's possible that he might also be afraid/upset/etc... at the thought that the more support you receive from your friends (not saying support is bad, but I digress), the more chance there becomes that he is being spoken of negatively behind his back.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, would be to make sure to let him know as many of the specifics as necessary in what you talk about. At least to the point where he doesn't have this nagging fear that your friends and you are working to plot against him, and point out how "wrong" he is for being unable to accept this. There may be a point where he does accept it, or he may never at all. But the last thing anyone needs in this circumstance, is to feel like they're losing their value as a partner, just because other close friends help you reaffirm.

Depending on your friends, maybe it's possible to have a conversation about it with the both of you. That way, at least he can feel comfortable knowing that those you talk to, have his side as well.

To clarify, I'm not saying that these are his feelings, nor am I suggesting that that's what you're doing, but the theater of the mind can jump to some pretty drastic conclusions. And he needs some patience & understanding as well.
 
dramatics and conclusions - that makes sense!

Patience and understanding I can give as I'm asking for the same.

thank you for the mono perspective!
 
I really like GalaGirl's suggestion of asking your husband which people he feels most comfortable with you confiding in :)

Everybody is different on this, I think. I have zero problems with Andy or Dag venting about me or sharing the most intimate details of our relationship, as long as they do it with *their* friends, not *our* mutual friends. I just hate the idea that my nearest and dearest friends are hearing negative vent stuff about me, or hearing details I would not choose to share.

Andy is the opposite. He HATES it when I vent to my friends who don't know him well, but is 100% fine with me saying anything and everything to our mutual friends. He says he trusts those mutual friends will love him no matter what, but he worries that friends who don't know him will develop a negative opinion.

I could never handle poly with "outside the relationship" people to turn to for advice and comfort. Hell, I couldn't handle a mono relationship without that!
 
My partner and I both have confidantes - a couple of close friends each, which we do not share - that we talk to about "messier" stuff, for example my desire to have unprotected sex with someone else (that I mentioned earlier on this forum). And of course, we can talk to our respective therapists about anything. I think it's really important to be able to talk to other people about relationship issues. In fact, I often find that whatever anxiety I might be feeling over a particular issue is greatly eased just by being able to share it with a close, trusted friend.
 
Hi BrianneGoddess,

I think it's very reasonable to have a confidant. At the very least you should have a (poly-friendly) counselor you can confide in. Otherwise your husband is making of you a prisoner. Not allowing you contact with the outside world.

Just my initial thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I speak as somebody who is open only to monogamous relationships. (possibly relevant here but my choice about relationships relates to my lack of desire to spend the time and energy that I'd have to spend on sex and relationships if I or my partner were to practise non-monogamy in a way that I felt was ethical rather than a desire to have my partner all to myself).

I would be entirely disturbed if I found that my partner had only me to talk to about what is going on in his head - particularly about difficulties between him and I. I don't understand how he could possibly get anything approaching a good conversation from me. I'm too emotionally invested in our relationship to be the only person he speaks to about it. I know that he has deep, emotional and intimate conversations with his male and female friends. Some of them about us. Some of them about other things in his life.

I'd be similarly disturbed if I found myself in a relationship with somebody who expected me to talk only to them about the important things in my life.

It seems utterly odd to me to expect one person to be my emotional sounding board. I need that role to be filled by multiple people - I suspect that most people do.

IP
 
I am going to get his input into who he is comfortable with me talking to.

Has has made some comments that help me realise he is more concerned that I am talking to others more than I talk to him - and since he is my primary relationship, he wants that to be in all ways.

He knows (and encourages) me to talk with Wonder Woman. He even wants me to keep up the hope that one day it may work out.

He is trying hard to be supportive and open to all the topics on the table for discussion.. And we are closer than we have been in years! Much more communicative too which I see only as a good thing.

Thanks again everyone :)
 
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