Husband with Insecurity and Anxiety

Amarna

Amarna

New member
When my husband and I began talking about poly as a serious possibility and opening our marriage he was encouraging and excited. He seemed really happy with the idea and has even gone so far as to set up a dating profile for himself on OkCupid and begin messaging women. I haven't set up a profile or begun even looking to begin dating outside of our relationship yet and do not plan to in the immediate future, I like having the option right now if an opportunity were to crop up and that's enough for me at the moment. My husband has said that he is interested in only casual sex and cannot see himself forming a relationship outside of ours. I've admitted that I need more than casual flings and do not feel comfortable with that for myself (though I'm perfectly fine with him pursuing that arrangement), I would ultimately be looking to form a bond with someone and have a relationship. He seemed fine with that and said that he understood and trusted in me and our relationship.

But the past two days he's been extremely clingy, always asking me if I'm happy, always telling me he loves me (at least once every hour), always wanting to touch me, be near me, needing reassurance from me. I know that he's likely feeling insecure and needing that reassurance which I'm happy to give to the best of my ability but I at the same time feel overwhelmed. I very much need to have my personal space and alone time to recharge and am beginning to feel frustrated. That probably makes me selfish :(, which is not my intention, it's only been a couple days after all but if this keeps up long term it's not something I can deal with easily. My husband has a lot of insecurities and does not have a lot of self confidence, he tends to feel badly about himself and devalue himself. I do my best to build him up and let him know how much I care about him and how great he is but always seem to come up short.

Has anyone had to deal with something similar in a relationship when transitioning to non-monogamy? Is there something else I can do to reassure him?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

It is not selfish to take care of your own need for rest, quiet, etc. It is NECESSARY so you don't burn out. I could see where if this becomes chronic it could wear you out and cause resentment.

My husband has a lot of insecurities and does not have a lot of self confidence, he tends to feel badly about himself and devalue himself. I do my best to build him up and let him know how much I care about him and how great he is but always seem to come up short.
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You filling his bucket is not him learning to fill his own bucket. Or him learning to not drain it in the first place.

He could take the time to learn how to let go of negative self talk that devalues and drains him and learn how to self validate to fill up. Does he plan to do that? You could ask him.

Is there something else I can do to reassure him?
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I don't think so. You sound like you are doing what you can. Is HE doing all he can to reassure himself? Does he need help from a counselor to learn these missing skills?

You guys might want to talk about how to handle these ahead of time.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

Galagirl
 
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I mean this all in a friendly manner....:)

You state that you haven't started looking, and he has only set up an account and had some innocent flirting. My advice is pump the brakes, now.

Commit to a certain time frame (3 weeks? 6 months?) to focus on YOUR relationship, before trying to add others. His feelings of insecurity and jealousy and need for reassurances/validation will only be exacerbated if and when you start seeing someone. These feelings aren't reserved for monofolk. I consider myself a successful polyamorist, and I have jealousy and random times when I need validation.

Sounds to me like the foundation needs some shoring up before adding a new level. This doesn't mean anything is "wrong" or needs to be fixed. Just that as it stands, it appears that this is not the right time to add others.

Maybe seek therapy, as a couple. Determine what his sudden need for validation is stemming from? All emotions start somewhere, mostly fear. So fear of what? Losing you? Losing his family? Losing time with you?

Time invested now will pay off great dividends in the future.

Wish you lots of luck and love.

Elle
 
Thank you both. :) I appreciate the feedback. I think I would like to definitely put the brakes on applying non-monogamy to our relationship until this is sorted out, this needs to be something we both are comfortable with and despite what he says it's obvious to me that he is not 100% there yet.

He is afraid of losing me. He's never had any positive relationships outside of ours that did not result in someone leaving, his parents gave him up to the state as a child because he was "difficult", prior girlfriends took advantage of his generosity and left when resources dried up, friends tend to ghost (except for several that I have introduced him to as part of my social circle), and he's always had a rough time socially maintaining relationships. I feel like I'm doing all I can to show him that this will not occur with me, that I have every intention of staying with him for life but he has to learn to see the value in himself that I see in him. Poly or mono I think that this is too important a thing to neglect.

We have talked to a minister in the past (an open-minded UU minister) and that has been helpful as far as dealing with communication issues in our relationship but he has been reluctant to go to counseling so far. I am okay with this as long as he is working on the issues and learning ways to self-validate.
 
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Why's he afraid of losing you? Say you do break up. Then what? He doesn't think he can cope with Life on his own?

If he could build up his coping skills so he can feel safe knowing he will be ok with or without you, could he be able to RELAX? And not worry so much about losing you?

Galagirl
 
Honestly, I think that, in most cases, the anxiety regarding opening up has far less to do with the sex, as it does with the emotional elements to the relationship(s). I think that most people tend to look at marriages & long term committed relationships in the big picture. We seek to provide our partners with more than just sex. After all, there comes a point in any relationship, where the sex dwindles a bit, and the more substantive aspects can really shine. And I think it's nice to know that our partners see the value in our companionship more than anything.

It sounds to me like your husband is afraid that you'll find someone who might be more interesting than him. Even if you're confident that you still love him, and would never leave him, he wants to know that you'll still want to spend time with him. I would definitely suggest therapy - as a couple or as individuals - whatever works best for both of you, in order to get to the bottom of the insecurities. I've always been an insecure person, so I can relate to how he must feel... But we do need to learn to see the value we have in ourselves. I echo the others, and that putting the brakes on the poly talk might be wise until this gets a little more sorted out too.
 
Well, here's another possibility, based upon (1) somewhat-similar situations I've seen, & (2) my generally cynical nature :) --

Your husband is psyching himself up to proceed. He's locking you into position so that, if he decides he's doing well, he can remind you that "you SAID it was okay!!" & also reassuring himself that you'll continue being the backup plan if he chooses to retrench. It's the timeline you describe that brought this scenario to mind, as "needy" behavior usually has an actual function. As an added feature, his doing the bungee thing helps keep you unfocussed & less likely to spread your own wings.

Aside from that: you are not his therapist or legal guardian, right? Yet you've been conditioned to offer up repeated excuses for his behavioral choices. Maybe you aren't by nature a caretaker or a people-pleaser, but you're using some very familiar phrases & gambits, & I feel you may have auto-suggested yourself into becoming that person. You should get a handle on this, as it can slide toward passive aggression, self-neglect, maybe even narcissism.

Your last official act as your husband's caretaker could be to get him into therapy, & then find your own counsellor to scrape off some of the yuck.

Stepping into nonmonogamy can exacerbate or entrench these tendencies... or it might cause you to shed that burden VERY quickly, & you might come home some day, look curiously at your husband, & casually say "We should get divorced" because it'll all seem like wasted effort that should be ended.

If you'd like to avoid such extremes altogether, then back-burner the non-mon stuff & start shopping for shrinks.
 
Amarna said:
.....his parents gave him up to the state as a child because he was "difficult".....
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There is so much in this that lives in him, I guarantee you. I'm adopted and have worked a great deal with the huge abandonment issues that have echoed in me for 55 years - and I was an innocent party. The story that he was "difficult" only piles on the pain. There is so much here for him to unpack, so much that you cannot possibly help him with. Of course his relationships are riddled with loss if he hasn't worked much of this through. You cannot love him enough to get him to see his own value and frankly, poly seems like the last thing he needs right now. I agree with Ravenscroft that he needs a good therapist, STAT, not more sex partners.
 
As Ravenscroft said, he needs to focus on a long term relationship with a therapist, not on short term sexcapades. Sex (poly or casual) would be a great way to further distract himself and his wife from the real issue here, which is his deep seated fear of loss. I don't know if any therapist can take this away so much as help him understand how he continues to set himself up for abandonment (or abandoning others) and help him change the pattern. This man was indeed abandoned and the story he lives with is that it was his fault. If he needs anyone additional in his life right now, it's a solid, impartial therapist who is well educated and experienced in serious childhood loss issues.



Amarna said:
But the past two days he's been extremely clingy, always asking me if I'm happy, always telling me he loves me (at least once every hour), always wanting to touch me, be near me, needing reassurance from me. I know that he's likely feeling insecure and needing that reassurance which I'm happy to give to the best of my ability but I at the same time feel overwhelmed. I very much need to have my personal space and alone time to recharge and am beginning to feel frustrated. That probably makes me selfish...
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Amarna, you also can work on why you would be responding to this impossible well of need with "that probably makes me selfish." You didn't just happen to marry someone who is deeply insecure and has trouble filling up his own well. What do you bring to this? Relationship struggles are never one sided. We all fit together.
 
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nycindie said:
STAT means "right away," "immediately," or even sooner than immediately. Never watched any TV shows based in hospitals?
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Thanks. That must be an Americanism that I've not heard in the UK (or at least the part I lived in). I thought it was a typo which is why I asked.

I now understand that it is

"Stat, an abbreviation of the Latin statim, "immediately", often used in medical contexts such as in hospital emergency rooms"

And no, I don't watch TV.
 
Something else nobody brought up...

A guy gets excited about finding new partners. A site like OKC is just chock full of women waiting to cater to his every need...not. So he starts writing all these women, they don't answer. He finds himself worrying that his wife will find someone and he won't.

Also, for Cat and I, opening up did amplify our feelings for each other.
 
FallenAngelina said:
As Ravenscroft said, he needs to focus on a long term relationship with a therapist, not on short term sexcapades. Sex (poly or casual) would be a great way to further distract himself and his wife from the real issue here, which is his deep seated fear of loss. I don't know if any therapist can take this away so much as help him understand how he continues to set himself up for abandonment (or abandoning others) and help him change the pattern. This man was indeed abandoned and the story he lives with is that it was his fault. If he needs anyone additional in his life right now, it's a solid, impartial therapist who is well educated and experienced in serious childhood loss issues.
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I spoke with him last night and he has agreed to get help from a therapist. He seems to want to put in the work after realizing how deeply this is effecting both himself and our relationship.

FallenAngelina said:
Amarna, you also can work on why you would be responding to this impossible well of need with "that probably makes me selfish." You didn't just happen to marry someone who is deeply insecure and has trouble filling up his own well. What do you bring to this? Relationship struggles are never one sided. We all fit together.
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I had a lot of insecurity issues when I met him 10 years ago, he is the first and only long term relationship I have ever had. I struggled with low self confidence for a long time and was *grateful* that anyone would pay attention to me, there were and are feelings there too, I do genuinely care for him and I believe him when he says the same but the relationship on both of our parts was I believe one built at least partially out of co-dependency. Having children prompted me to find ways to validate my own self worth and motivated me to seek ways to boost my self confidence, I'm a very different person now then I was 10 years ago when we met and am much more in tune with my own desires and needs. I sometimes still feel guilty from time to time for acknowledging my wants when they are not in line with someone else's. It's a hard habit to break and sometimes I catch myself falling into that when things are in a tough spot.
 
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Your response is astonishingly honest and insightful, Amarna. It's a rare new person to this forum who goes to that depth of self reflection and self responsibility. I see many good things ahead for you. :)
 
FallenAngelina said:
Your response is astonishingly honest and insightful, Amarna. It's a rare new person to this forum who goes to that depth of self reflection and self responsibility. I see many good things ahead for you. :)
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:) Thank you FallenAngelina. It's taken a lot of time, self-care and work to get to where I am now. Thank you for all the help and feedback.
 
Hi Armana,

I agree with the others that your husband needs some professional counseling. It is good that he is going to get that. It's probably a problem that existed before, but opening the marriage shined a light on it.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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