Husband's girlfriend uncomfortable

L

lovinhimloviner

New member
Hi. I am a 33-year old wife and mother. I have been in an open marriage for over seven years. I can't imagine a monogamous relationship after having such a wonderful open relationship.

Now, don't get me wrong. Like all marriages, there will always be ups and downs. The one part of our relationship that has never been a problem is the fact that we are open and honest about how we are feeling and who we are feeling it for. My husband Harlan and I have been through about every stage of an open marriage. Just like most people in open marriages, we realized that life is nothing with out love. We trust and love each other so much that we allow ourselves to truly live.

Although it wasn't expected, he started to fall for a very wonderful woman (Meg). They hadn't even had sex yet, and he came to me and told me how he was feeling. It was hard for him to tell me he was having feelings for her. We talked about it. I realized that it would be wrong for me or anyone else to tell someone the feelings they were having were wrong. They aren't wrong. Loving is a natural part of life.

We discussed the "what-ifs" of the situation. Meg understands that no matter what happens, he will not leave me for her. She wouldn't want him to do that, anyway. It is hard for her coming into a situation like this.

One of the questions we asked ourselves was, what if Harlan and Meg fall completely in love and can't live without each other? Well, in that case, we thought if she were comfortable with it, she could live with us as a family. They would have to have a separate bedroom.

She wants to have kids one day. Then what? Just like love, if it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. We would raise the baby just like millions of parents do every day, and we would do it together.

The problem I am having now is I keep bending over backwards to make sure she is comfortable. She has said she feels like the OW (other woman).

They have been seeing each other for a few months now, and had only meet up two times before this weekend. She had been uncomfortable with the idea of coming to our house. I was trying to make life simpler for her, so I made arrangements for the kids to go to stay at a friend's house and my mom's house. I had decided I would go to a friend's house and have a girls' night.

Meg came over right as we started cooking. She stood in the kitchen with us and we exchanged small talk. We have been on cam chat almost nightly, but this was a different vibe. We had discussed her fears about my reaction to seeing them holding hands and snuggling. I calmed her fears beforehand because I knew she was worried about it.

When I got home the next morning, Meg was gone. When I woke Harlan up, he seemed a little sad when he told me she left at 1am. He said it feels like she just wants sex, even though she also claims to love him. He worries because she never wants to just hang out and only wants to have sex. She left because she was afraid of how the two younger kids would act, since they ended up not going to Grandma's. They love her too, and we had told them she would be staying with Daddy.

This is all new to her, since she was raised in a monogamous lifestyle.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just need to give her more time?
 
It sounds like you're doing everything you reasonably can to make her feel comfortable and welcome. This is ultimately her issue and there's only so much you, or your husband, or anyone else in the world, can do to address her issue.

So continue to be patient and supportive, keep encouraging her, and give her some time and space to find her comfort zone.

I myself could not go so far as to leave my home to make my husband's love interest comfortable. But clearly that is not an issue for you, so more power to you.
 
Fidelia hit the nail on the head with their post, so I've got nothing more to add on that front.

Just a question, though-- if Harlan felt the same way towards another 3 or 4 women, would you feel comfortable inviting them all into your family, or is there a limit in your mind as to where that would be? Just with the way you write, like these relationships can just spontaneously happen. If it spontaneously happens 3 or 4 more times without any breakups, is that okay?

I sort of feel that without any structure to relationships, you're just opening yourself up to problems that you'll only face "as they happen," and they often happen through choice. For instance, I meet some great women, but because I already have 2 live-in girlfriends and we've discussed our limits, I just don't entertain in my head that I will go down that path with them. I think if I were your husband, I'd just keep bringing back women, and be like, "Got another great one I connect with. Is that okay? Can you sort out her room, sweetie?"
 
We had not sat down and discussed our limits. We talked about it last night. Since Meg is not a poly-type person, she would rather he not sleep with anyone else. I'm his wife, so there is no choice there, but she doesn't like to share. Harlan does not feel like he could handle it if I fell in love with another man.

I feel like I am living a poly life with a monogamous female and a swinger husband, if that makes any sense. I really want everyone to be happy. I know I am not wired the way most people are. I felt joy and love when he fell in love with her. Most people think there is just something wrong with me. I don't get jealous. I love my husband so much that I feel since he has fallen in love he should do what makes them happy.

Harlan said if I were to fall in love with someone else, he would do his very best to give me what I have given him. I think I should just avoid the situation, though, since I know it would make him uncomfortable.

This is all so new to us, but it is definitely how I would like my life to work out. I guess we don't always get what we want, though.
 
You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.
 
NeonKaos said:
You really sound like you want to do the right thing. But reading this made my head ache. All the people involved are so not on the same page. I'm glad you joined this forum now instead of waiting until things got truly fucked up. You come across as though you'll be receptive to what people have to say to you, even if it's not what you would like to hear.
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That is exactly why I joined. I had joined another site but was only told why my marriage wasn't a real one. I have never even known anyone who wanted to live this way. Swinging, yes. Polyamory, no.
 
I can only really speak from one angle of a relationship on this issue; Mr. A had expressed to TP several times that he feels (has felt) like the other man and that he was doing something inherently wrong....now from my perspective there was very actionable things I can do to alleviate this feeling in him....I've talked to him, reached out to him quite honestly to tell him that I am comfortable and not feeling like I am losing time with TP...but at a certain point I had to realize that there was only so much I could do to make him feel welcome.

A lot of his feelings were coming from his upbringing and background. At a certain point you've done all you can conceivably do to help, and there has to be movement on the other end. While you do have to be welcoming, there has to be some reciprocation on the other side to get over this....it's not all you.
 
Poly is strange. There is no doubt about it. You are embarking on a different journey than the mainstream. It will take time to adjust and feel comfortable and safe within it.

Be patient and keep at it. If you don't know what is going on, then ask. Don't assume (that Meg just wants sex, for instance). Don't have expectations. Ask.

When someone asks you what is going on for you, be honest and direct, while keeping respect and empathy for the receiver. When you talk to Meg or Harlan, or both, tell them that you expect the same, so that you can all learn about each other and begin normalizing all this. I know you know your husband, but you don't know him in this context. So don't assume you do. Another person coming into a relationship changes everything and everyone, for you, and the person who is also including you in her life. Meg is trying her best also. She left because she was thinking about your kids. So trust that. And if you aren't sure, ask.
 
redpepper said:
Ask.
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Best. Advice. Ever.

Communication is key, both of your needs and theirs. You're adding an extra person into the mix. Redpepper is right, assuming that your husband is the same in a totally different context will lead to trouble. Simply assuming too much will lead to miscommunication and trouble. You need to communicate your needs to them, you need to be receptive of their needs when they tell you what they are, and you have to make sure they do, or ask them to.
 
All of this is wonderful advice. I do try to be sure that I am open and honest about my feelings and anything that I see that might be a problem. I also try to make sure that all of the good aspects are pointed out. Harlan is more like, "I feel what I feel. I don't know how to put it in words." He has been doing good, though. He loves me and is afraid more than anything that something he will do will upset me. I can't imagine much that could upset me, but I am sure we will find it along the way.

We have both talked to Meg about whether or not it is a love or lust thing on her end. She has told us both that she loves him so much it scares her. I just need to learn to trust her as much as I do him. She is a very emotional person and has a tendency to read into things. We have discussed this a few times, and she is much better at coming to us when she starts feeling bad about something.

I wish I could hear from others that have been through what she is going through. I have never been in a relationship with a married man before. Well, as far as I know, anyway. lol
 
I suggest you do some reading on here on "secondaries." There are some really good threads if you do a search. A lot of secondaries in this woman's position have written here.
 
I have been reading up on "secondaries" and I am understanding a little more what Meg is going through. She is a very needy person. If Harlan doesn't talk to her for several hours every day on cam, then he must not be interested anymore. Harlan hates small talk, and every time he tries to talk about something meaningful, she changes the subject.

She doesn't appear to want to hang out with him. When they do get together, it feels to him that she is more about the sex and less about him.

Harlan was in a 4-year relationship with a girl (before we met), who stayed with him for the sex. She blindsided him in the end by telling him that was why she stayed with him. He loved her and it broke him. He doesn't want to go through that again.

I asked him if he has told Meg how he feels. He said he wasn't sure how to bring it up. I gave him a few suggestions and left it at that. I have a tendency to try to fix things between them, because I like her and love him. This is a conversation that I don't feel I should get involved in, no matter how much I may want to.

I started acting like a buffer when she told me having another girl in the relationship made it nicer because we know how to talk to each other better. I really feel if they are both open to what their fears are, or what bothers them, then they could live a long healthy life.

Meg has asked Harlan to not live the lifestyle he has grown to love. I fear this will cause resentment and could cause failure. Am I wrong to worry about this?
 
lovinhimloviner said:
His gf has asked him to not live the lifestyle he has grown to love. I fear this will cause resentment and could cause failure. Am I wrong in worrying about this?
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It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
 
NeonKaos said:
It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
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I don't think she would ever try to come between us, but I worry about her mono mindset. I have seen others on here talking about relationships like that.

I know we can't help who we fall in love with, but it does seem to be a lot to deal with. I can't change her way of thinking, and really have no desire to. I just want her to tell us what her fears are, what she worries about.

As it stands now, I do research, find things that might be upsetting her, figure out how to deal with them, casually bring the subject up, and then we talk about it. She always says, "Thanks, I had been worrying about that." Then I tell her, "Any time you have something like that, come to me." She says she will, but never does. This hurts my feelings and makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. We really do like each other and spend a lot of time talking, laughing and crying together. I want this to work out.
 
NeonKaos said:
It sounds like she may be what is sometimes referred to as a "cowgirl" - a person who gets involved with someone in a poly or open relationship with the intentions of getting them to give up their other partner(s) and be monogamous with the cowgirl/boy.
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Okay, I read that again, and I can see that happening. She seems to be fine with me doing stuff with someone else, and didn't even understand why I was bothering to ask her what she thought. I explained to her that even though she and I weren't dating, what I do directly affects her life, as well. She still didn't understand. I explained, for example, that Harlan has sex with me, and has sex with her, so if I have sex with another, there is always a risk of bringing an STD back to them. She thought about this, and thanked me for thinking about her like that. But she really doesn't care what I do.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
I explained to her that even though she and I weren't dating, what I do directly affects her life, as well. She still didn't understand. I explained that Harlan has sex with me, has sex with her, so when I have sex with another, there is always a risk of bringing an STD back to them.
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Well, I said it sounded like she might be a cowgirl. I didn't say she was a cowgirl. I don't have enough information to conclude that.

This part in the quotes, however-- it makes my head hurt that there are people who need to have this explained to them in this day and age.

But it also brings up something else. Are Harlan and Meg not using condoms? Had everyone been tested prior to doing becoming sexual? Do you not use condoms with your other partners? Why would you even put Meg and Harlan in the position of "bringing an STD back to them"? If you were to do so, how does talking about it help you not catch a STD? Sure, talking about it is groovy, but you have to do something about it too, in order to prevent it.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
She says she will, but never does.
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You can trust what people do over what they say. Every time. Actions reveal the heart.

This woman is jerking y'all around, manipulating the two of you for her own ends, whatever they may be.

She wants your husband to spend hours every day online, but doesn't want to hang out with him. That's weird.

And only wants small talk? Really? That's odd too.

There's something hinky going on with her.
 
NeonKaos said:
Well, I said it sounds like she might be a cowgirl. I didn't say she was a cowgirl. I don't have enough information to conclude that.

This part in the quotes, however-- it makes my head hurt that there are people who need to have this explained to them in this day and age.

Are they not using condoms? Had everyone been tested prior to getting sexual? Do you not use condoms with your other partners? Why would you even put them in the position of "bringing an STD back to them"? If you were to do so, how does talking about it help you not catch an STD? ... you have to do something about it too, in order to prevent it.
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Of course we all are tested, and we all use condoms, but there is always a risk. We also pick our partners carefully, and talking about it and bringing them in on the decision helps us all feel like we have some say in the matter. All of our lives that are affected by new partners, especially if love is involved. That could mean eventually bringing a new person into our family.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
Of course we all are tested and we all use condoms, but there is always a risk. We also pick our partners carefully and talking about it and bringing them in on the decision helps us all feel like we have some say in the matter. All of our lives that are affected by new partners, especially if love is involved. That could mean eventually bringing a new person into our family.
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Okay, as long as you're all tested and/or using protection, I don't think she has to know every time you do something on a date. Maybe she just doesn't want to hear about it. I don't think it's necessary for her to know about it, or have an opinion about it, every time you have sex with someone else.
 
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