I [23F] want to talk to my [24M] long-term boyfriend about non-monogamy.

[tea]

This might be lengthy, so I apologize. But I'm really in need of some guidance. *There's TL/DR at the bottom*

My main questions are:

1) How do I start the REAL conversation?
2) What kind of "rules" should be set?
3) What are good tools for navigating my own emotions if/when he sleeps with another partner?

Let me start with the fact that I never thought in a million years I'd even CONSIDER opening up a relationship. I've been cheated on and cheated in past relationships, and I figured the feeling of having a sexual partner outside of a romantic relationship (especially a long term one) would be that similar, heart-sinking feeling.

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years, and have been friends with him for almost four. We have a great relationship. Without a doubt, he is my best friend. He's seen me at my worst and stuck through it all. I can't imagine my life without him. I'm very confused because, from the outside looking in, we have a near-perfect relationship but I've felt like something is missing for some time now. Not necessarily within our relationship, but within me.

At the beginning of our relationship, he told me during a casual conversation "I could see myself in an open relationship with you." Neither of us have ever been in one, and at the time I didn't really take it seriously (We'd been dating two months! Our sex was great.) We've always been very open about our sex life--past partners, kinks, etc--and we'd even talk about our hook ups when we weren't "official". I once went with him to deliver Plan B to a girl he slept with the night before, and then we went out to dinner and had a totally normal night!

Fast forward two years, we're official, practically co-habitating, and our relationship has lost...something. We have sex a couple times a month, maybe. I have a high sex drive, and I haven't been satisfied for awhile. It's the only thing we've ever had a major argument about. It affects my confidence, and when we did have sex I felt like he was doing it for my benefit. Not to mention, he's not as in to kinky things as I am (my interest is very light, but he's just not in to it), and I certainly am not going to force him to do things that he isn't in to.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was on a boys' weekend camping trip, and an old flame texted me asking if I wanted to hang out. I was pretty tipsy, so I said yes, and he came and picked me up and I spent the night at his house. We were watching movies, and ended up cuddling the entire night and doing some innocent over-clothes touching. I'm really in to calling guys "Daddy", and my boyfriend doesn't like it--but my former-flame loves it, and it felt nice to play in to that again.

I knew I had to tell my boyfriend. When he got home the next day, it was the first thing I did. I prepared for an over-reaction, but all I got was an "Okay, thank you for telling me." He kissed me, told me he missed me, and I felt like the sex we had that night was the most passionate and connected we'd had in a long time. The next day I asked him if he was sure that he wasn't bothered and that we can talk about it if he needed to, and he said that he knows that I'll always come back to him (jokingly he said he "knows [he's] the best"), and just to tell him and be safe about it. I was honestly floored.

It hasn't been brought up since then, but ever since we opened up the dialogue, I've been thinking a lot about it and I feel like it might be something I want to try. I just don't know how to navigate this! I absolutely don't want to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend over sex (even though I know it's an important part of me).

TL/DR: I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's casually mentioned open relationships, and I never took the idea seriously. Now I'm thinking it might be worth a try, but I don't know how to navigate this! It's all so new.

 

[breathemusic]

I think you just need to have a sit down and be open and honest with him. Ask him to clarify what he meant about the "he knows you'll always come back to him and to just be honest about it" comment and ask him if he was giving you permission to seek other partners outside of the relationship, and if so, what is he comfortable with.

Reassure him that you love him and don't want to end your relationship, but state that you both are pretty aware that you have different sexual wants and needs. If he's comfortable with an open relationship then it seems like you need to work out if that means something more like swinging, or if that's actually polyamory where you would have additional loving relationships, or something else? Maybe you'd just like to have a kinky play partner?

I think if you want to have this conversation though, you can't rush it. If he needs some time to really think about it and what he's comfortable with, then let him take some time (within reason). Basically communication is key. Both BEFORE you actually open up and either takes on new partners, as well as AFTER you open up so that everyone is able to determine if they're as ok with the reality as they were with the theory.

One land-mine to be careful of is that many people decide to open up and place restrictions on having emotional connections with others but don't really think about the fact that emotional connections aren't that easy to control. Unless you're having a bunch of one night stands, the average person is going to develop feelings for someone that they continue to date/sleep with over a period of time. If that's not allowed, be prepared to discuss what happens if that rule gets broken.

 

[tea]

Unless you're having a bunch of one night stands, the average person is going to develop feelings for someone that they continue to date/sleep with over a period of time.

I'm very aware of this. I think, after reading through some threads and looking at the way others have structured their relationships, what I'd ultimately like is what some people call "opportunistic non-monogamy". I don't really want another relationship because my emotional needs are met with this one, but if I meet a guy/girl that I happen to click with, I want to explore that. Of course, he'd be free to do the same. We'd just need to figure out how to communicate in a comfortable way about it.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Your relationship - and your reasons for wanting to open it - sound a lot like mine. Both my husband and I have sides to our sexuality that the other just doesn't enjoy. It took us about ten years of frustration over that to get to the point where you are now, realizing that exploring with other people was a viable option.

I think, after reading through some threads and looking at the way others have structured their relationships, what I'd ultimately like is what some people call "opportunistic non-monogamy". I don't really want another relationship because my emotional needs are met with this one, but if I meet a guy/girl that I happen to click with, I want to explore that.

That's where we started. And I think it's a perfectly good place to start. But you do need to be prepared for the possibility that one or both of you will "click" with another person so strongly that you eventually do want a second relationship.

I definitely feel like my husband meets all my emotional needs in OUR relationship... But I still have emotional needs with other partners. Emotional needs aren't fixed or finite. Or interchangeable among relationships.

Some people sit down and draft long lists of rules and boundaries and guidelines when they open a relationship. We did... And they all went out the window in a couple of months. It was still a helpful thought exercise, I guess. It helps to hash out how each of you feels about veto power, "messy people", overnights, etc while those things are still hypothetical. Just do it with an awareness that when it goes from hypothetical to real, you may feel the exact opposite of how you expected.

The communication is the biggest thing. If I was starting an open relationship from scratch, the first (possibly only) boundary I'd establish would be "how much does each of us want to know about other partners, and when/how do we want to be informed?" Over-sharing was the biggest problem for us, followed closely by under-sharing

 

[vinsanity0]

Rules. The less the better. That was our experience. The rules ended uo being an attempt to control each other.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

I've been through this from the other side, where I was the one casually mentioning an open relationship, and then years later Guitarist decided that he'd like to explore that. Neither of us have ever felt that something was really LACKING in our relationship.

Your boyfriend sounds very secure, which is agood sign, and you seem to have good communication, which is another good sign.

1) Conversation

Just bring it up. He's clearly open to the idea. I'd suggest bullet pointing some things you want to discuss, and listening to whatever he has to say with an open mind and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

2) Rules

I agree that the fewer rules you have, the better. But I think it's normal to want to ease into openness. I started with a lot of "rules" that were open to negotiation as time went on.

I strongly suggest against veto rules (treat other people like things), and no falling in love rules (impossible to abide by), but beyond that, pretty much you two need to decide where you're comfortable and where your boundaries are. Like, I basically get panic attacks complete with heart palpations when my bedroom is invaded. It happens to be Guitarist's bedroom, too, so that was a possible problem, and we made a "no strangers in bedroom" rule. I'm making progress on that issue and trying to address it, so hopefully it can be relaxed in the future.

If you do make rules, you should try to talk about them periodically to make sure that they still are needed.

3) Your Emotions

First, does he even want another relationship? That didn't seem to come through, and he wouldn't be the first guy to be okay with his partner being non-monogamous without wanting that himself.

As for dealing with emotions, that's tougher. I'd suggest picking up some poly books. My favorite is More Than Two. Read it, think about it, and do the exercises. Maybe even do them together. And then do a lot of mental poking around at your sore spots. If something bothers you, discuss it early and as often as you need. Communication, respect, and knowing yourself are going to take you a long way.

Good luck!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

We were watching movies, and ended up cuddling the entire night and doing some innocent over-clothes touching.

Just going to point out there's nothing "innocent" about cheating. You're lucky as fuck to have such an understanding, rational boyfriend. Cheating isn't defined by how far you go, it's defined by consent, which your boyfriend wasn't given the opportunity to provide.

1) How do I start the REAL conversation?
2) What kind of "rules" should be set?
3) What are good tools for navigating my own emotions if/when he sleeps with another partner?

1) It sounds like you guys have pretty good communication, so don't get hung up on specifics. Just start talking and let the conversation follow its natural course.

2) Rules suck. They're appropriate for kindergarten but you're grown adults. What you need are agreements, which only you guys can decide on. People make all kinds of agreements and all of them are fine as long as both people genuinely want them. If one person is being pressured to agree to something they're not comfortable with, then disaster is imminent.

3) Most important thing in managing your emotions is to own them. If you get uncomfortable about something, explore what specifically is bothering you. Is there something missing in your relationship that you need to address? Are you doing enough self-care in general? Being realistic about expectations? It's normal to have "icky feelings" about things, but these are usually a sign of something you need to work on yourself, not something you need to change about your external world. There are plenty of resources online for managing jealousy in non-monogamy, and lots of threads here. Just keep reading.

I get the impression that your boyfriend has a low sex-drive and probably won't be seeking out sex-only relationships. If you go down the non-monogamy road, you need to be open to the possibility that your boyfriend will want other romantic relationships that may or may not be sexual.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from tea):

"How do I start the *real* conversation?"

"Honey, I want to talk about the possibility of nonmonogamy. Can we talk about that?"

Re:

"What kind of 'rules' should be set?"

That depends. What kind of rules are you thinking about setting?

Re:

"What are good tools for navigating my own emotions if/when he sleeps with another partner?"

That depends. Would him sleeping with another partner cause a problem for you? How so? If it's jealousy we're talking about I can offer some links to follow:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Does that help?

 

[Pleiades]

1) How do I start the REAL conversation?

With an announcement. Ask him to make a time to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Jot down all the important points you want to talk. Prepare yourself for a presentation but not for a debate.

2) What kind of "rules" should be set?

It depends on the parties involved. Before you have the conversation define your comfort zone to yourself. Prepare your own rules and think pros and cons of those rules. Communication and negotiation are very good tools.

"Everything changes and nothing stands still." - Plato.

Nothing is permanent only change is constant.

Your rules can change over time.

What are good tools for navigating my own emotions if/when he sleeps with another partner?

It's not easy. I and my husband opened our marriage to another married couple. In the beginning, I was very uncomfortable. We swapped. Even though I was with the other husband I was thinking about my husband and the other wife.

Some read books, some talk to other poly people, some just go with the flow and etc. etc.

What I did was sat down with myself and had a long conversation with me. It helped.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was on a boys' weekend camping trip, and an old flame texted me asking if I wanted to hang out. I was pretty tipsy, so I said yes, and he came and picked me up and I spent the night at his house. We were watching movies, and ended up cuddling the entire night and doing some innocent over-clothes touching. I'm really in to calling guys "Daddy", and my boyfriend doesn't like it--but my former-flame loves it, and it felt nice to play in to that again.

I knew I had to tell my boyfriend. When he got home the next day, it was the first thing I did. I prepared for an over-reaction, but all I got was an "Okay, thank you for telling me." He kissed me, told me he missed me, and I felt like the sex we had that night was the most passionate and connected we'd had in a long time. The next day I asked him if he was sure that he wasn't bothered and that we can talk about it if he needed to, and he said that he knows that I'll always come back to him (jokingly he said he "knows [he's] the best"), and just to tell him and be safe about it. I was honestly floored.

If I were you I wouldn't do it again. First make it official. Don't depend on casual conversation.