MsEmotional
Member
I don't know why I feel this way. I have two people who love me and want me to be in their lives forever. It makes me feel incredibly ungrateful, but I am just so unhappy right now. Is this just how polyamory goes? Is it just a constant roller coaster of emotions? I feel like one moment I am ecstatic and consider myself the luckiest woman on Earth. The next moment I am in a pit of despair -- feeling overwhelmed, guilty, and just plain awful.
My boyfriend is sad about the difference between my relationship with him and my relationship with my husband. He understands that there are different expectations between a couple that lives together and has kids vs one that does not....he doesn't have an expectation that I change those realities, but they still make him sad. He is insecure that I will leave him at the drop of a hat and that I will easily move on because I willl have support from my husband. He feels like our relationship is less legitimate. He knows that this is his own insecurity to deal with, but it still makes us both sad and I feel like there is nothing I can do to make it better.
I'm kinda freaking out. I feel so responsible. I know that poly is how he identifies and what he wants, but I am getting the growing impression that he wants more of the trappings of a monogamous relationship. When we first got together he described himself as being really independent -- not wanting to be limited in relationships, having the opportunity to have his diverse needs met, and appreciating the fact that his partners would have other relationships that they could rely on for support beyond him.
In practice, though, this isn't really what is happening. He and his other girlfriend were in a rocky place and split up a couple weeks ago. He is surprised by his feelings for me and isn't interested in dating anyone else right now. He says he feels like he wouldn't be treating the other person fairly -- that he'd be dating for the wrong reasons. Fair enough -- but now I feel 100% responsible for his needs and his insecurity about my husband....and avoiding that dynamic was what he was aiming for when pursuing poly in the first place. He hates feeling needy with me, but he doesn't feel comfortable pursuing other relationships.
Is this all worth it? I love him so much, but I am so afraid of hurting him. A big part of me wants to just run for the hills before he gets more invested in me. But another big part of me says that this is just drama right now and that it will pass and we will find our groove.
It doesn't help that he's had a lot of toxic relationships. And so I am simultaneously overwhelmed by how much of an impact I have made on his happiness and self-worth in such a short period of time, and also terrified that I am going to hurt him too.
It's ironic. I feel like he identifies as poly, but is effectively monogamous because he doesn't want to date anyone else but me. I, on the other hand, would happily identify as mono except that I am in love with two people.
What the hell should I do? I feel so lost and confused.
My boyfriend is sad about the difference between my relationship with him and my relationship with my husband. He understands that there are different expectations between a couple that lives together and has kids vs one that does not....he doesn't have an expectation that I change those realities, but they still make him sad. He is insecure that I will leave him at the drop of a hat and that I will easily move on because I willl have support from my husband. He feels like our relationship is less legitimate. He knows that this is his own insecurity to deal with, but it still makes us both sad and I feel like there is nothing I can do to make it better.
I'm kinda freaking out. I feel so responsible. I know that poly is how he identifies and what he wants, but I am getting the growing impression that he wants more of the trappings of a monogamous relationship. When we first got together he described himself as being really independent -- not wanting to be limited in relationships, having the opportunity to have his diverse needs met, and appreciating the fact that his partners would have other relationships that they could rely on for support beyond him.
In practice, though, this isn't really what is happening. He and his other girlfriend were in a rocky place and split up a couple weeks ago. He is surprised by his feelings for me and isn't interested in dating anyone else right now. He says he feels like he wouldn't be treating the other person fairly -- that he'd be dating for the wrong reasons. Fair enough -- but now I feel 100% responsible for his needs and his insecurity about my husband....and avoiding that dynamic was what he was aiming for when pursuing poly in the first place. He hates feeling needy with me, but he doesn't feel comfortable pursuing other relationships.
Is this all worth it? I love him so much, but I am so afraid of hurting him. A big part of me wants to just run for the hills before he gets more invested in me. But another big part of me says that this is just drama right now and that it will pass and we will find our groove.
It doesn't help that he's had a lot of toxic relationships. And so I am simultaneously overwhelmed by how much of an impact I have made on his happiness and self-worth in such a short period of time, and also terrified that I am going to hurt him too.
It's ironic. I feel like he identifies as poly, but is effectively monogamous because he doesn't want to date anyone else but me. I, on the other hand, would happily identify as mono except that I am in love with two people.
What the hell should I do? I feel so lost and confused.