I am the 3rd in my soulmates life

MsPrimalFear

MsPrimalFear

New member
My name is Mags. I am married to my bestfriend and the significant other to my soulmate Primalfear. I have posted a complete intro for you all, so please have a read.

Primalfear is married, has a girlfriend and I am the 3rd in his life.

The love that we share does not make me feel like I am the 3rd. I am his soulmate, the women he feels he longed for all of his life. Our connection is so deep and our desire to be with one another is so strong. We bring out the best in one another, we are the best spouses because of the love that we share for each other.

I struggle with understanding the relationship that Primalfear has with his girlfriend. She is not accepting of his poly lifestyle choices and has no idea that he is in a relationship with me. I feel like the "other" women, a secret, a cheater even though I am have deep connection with Primalfears wife and she fully supports and encourages our relationship.

I am looking to connect with others who are in similar relationships. I am looking for guidance and support to help me understand and accept this relationship that Primalfear has with his girlfriend.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
The GF doesn't accept his poly lifestyle, even though she is seeing a married man? I don't understand.
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Something is rotten in Denmark...

Why would he be keeping you secret from gf #2 if all is on the up and up?
 
Welcome Mags, I'm Mags too!

It sounds like your bf's gf thinks she is in a closed V? Unless his wife also has lovers...

How long has your bf been cheating on his gf with you? This isn't ethical non-monogamy. He should confess to her right away. I'd feel sick being the other woman, and wouldn't be able to enjoy the connection with the bf, if he doesn't have the decency to admit to his gf he has and loves you (and is shagging you?).

Do you want him to confess? If so, did you tell him that?

That is the advice you're going to get here. No one is going to encourage you to just go on as you are, the dirty secret. Decide if you want to ask him to confess, give him a reasonable deadline for it, and if he doesn't carry through, decide what you are going to do. Ie: put up with it (and feel sick...?) or walk away. Hopefully if he is so wonderful, he will man up.

OTOH, if you and he have only been together a few weeks or months, perhaps you're idealizing him because of NRE (new relationship energy) and he's not really all that. :(
 
We can believe in soulmates and primaries and any other system we want, but at the end of the day, one's actions and how they treat others speak more loudly and clearly about what kind of person they are than any other kind of dreamy feeling we get when we are with them.

So, are we understanding you correctly - your "soulmate" is deceiving his girlfriend by not fully disclosing his other relationships to her? If your soulmate is lying and hiding important info from her, she essentially is not fully informed. That means she has been denied the ability to make informed consent onwhether to be in a relationship with him, and that is quite a cruel thing he is doing to her. Is that really the kind of person you want to be with?

In actuality, how he conducts his other relationships, what he tells her or not, is not your business - I mean, you can't really police his conversations, no matter how frustrating it is for you - but if his dishonesty with someone else is distasteful to you, and limits your freedom and your trust in him (which I imagine it would), then it is an issue. You can't really tell him what to do, but you can voice your discomfort with it, and request that everything be above board. If, ultimately, he does not take the high road and come clean so you can be with him openly and not feel like a dirty secret, then you will have to choose whether or not you want that kind of hiding and deception affecting your life. Soulmate or not.


Please pardon me if I have misinterpreted your post.
 
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nycindie's post is spot on. I'll add one more thing: if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. His actions are telling you what kind of a person he is (a liar who shows no respect to his other partner, and takes away her ability to make informed choices about her life, her health, and her emotional well-being because he believes his desires come before all those things). Do you have any reason to believe she doesn't think she is the special one, possibly even his "soulmate," as well? You have the advantage she does not: being able to see him for who he really is, and knowing exactly what to expect from him.

Cheating is not ethical non-monogamy.
 
Thank you

Thank you to everyone for your candid thoughts and guidance. I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to my post.

My soulmates girlfriend has requested not to know about his other relationships, which is a choice that she has made. However, I struggle with this. I struggle with the feelings of deceit as my relationships are open and honest. I know about my husbands relationship with his girlfriend, my soulmates relationships and his wife's relationship with her boyfriend.

My soulmates girlfriend is aware that he is married and lives a poly lifestyle but does not accept his marriage and his poly lifestyle choices. She would prefer that he be single and commit to only her. This is not an option.

I have made the decision to speak to him about my feelings and to be open with him about them. I want him to tell her about our relationship but if she doesn't want to know, then how does he proceed.

He is not being deceitful and cheating on her but I understand and must insist that for my sake and my feelings that he speak to her and make her aware.
 
Oh, that is a totally different scenario than the impression most of us got from your initial post!

So, basically, she is aware he has multiple relationships but only consented to being in a relationship with him if it is DADT ("Don't Ask, Don't Tell"). That is generally not a popular approach among polyfolk, although it works for some and can be a valid way to manage a relationship. Essentially, she wants to pretend he is "all hers" and not have to hear anything about anyone else -- which does seem somewhat delusional -- but he obviously agreed to it, and an agreement he has with one partner really shouldn't have any jurisdiction over any other partners, nor be interfered with by other partners. You have your boundaries and agreements with him; she has hers. You don't have to like their agreements, you only have to be satisfied with yours.

You haven't said how their DADT agreement affects you beyond your being uncomfortable with her "not knowing." She actually does know, but doesn't want to know any details of who it is, or anything else about his other lovers. So, what is it that bothers you about it? There is no rule in poly that dictates that all metamours need to know about each other, meet, get along, or any of that. If he was honest with her and told her he is married and poly, and she told him, "I don't want to know anything about anybody else," that is her right. He accepted that, but you do not. It seems that, since you consider him a "soulmate" (I put it in quotes only because I don't subscribe to any belief in the concept of soulmates), that you basically just want some kind of acknowledgement of your place in his life by her.

Even if she knew all about you, however, she may never accept or acknowledge the importance of your relationship with him, so I think you need to let go of that wish. Since she is into DADT, it is unlikely that acknowledgement would ever come, so you will only be disappointed if you hold onto wanting that.

I think the only issue you need to deal with is any actions or repercussions coming out of their DADT arrangement that affects you negatively. For example, is your freedom impeded in any way, as in not being able to see him when it works for you, to talk to him, be public with him, things like that.

So, if I were you, I would not tell him that he specifically must reveal all the facts about you to her, but that -- if you are hiding or inhibited in any way by their relationship, that you will no longer tolerate hiding anymore, and so he will have to find a way to deal with that. I hope I expressed that clearly - in other words, you cannot control his other relationships nor dictate how he manages his other relationships. If you want him to tell her all about you, and he doesn't want to, or she refuses to listen, there is nothing you can do to make it happen! You can only make choices about how to conduct your own relationships.
 
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Hi Ms PF,

I agree with nycindie. Your soulmate and his girlfriend being in a DADT relationship casts things in a very different light!

Do you think there might be a part of you that feels less important or special to him because he's not sharing anything about you to someone he's involved with? I think there's a root feeling to your discomfort that needs further exploration in order for you to move past it.

Alternatively, do you feel any sense of betrayal through this DADT relationship? Perhaps that, on some level, your soulmate is behaving in a way that deviates from or violates your own connection to polyamory? Sometimes we can see our partners as an extension of ourselves, and when they do something that conflicts with our own deep-rooted values or beliefs, we can actually feel the effects of abandonment or betrayal. Particularly if you view him as your soulmate - this implies a deep connection of the souls, which could be shaken if you two don't feel merged on something as profound as your relationship values.

Finally, I would like to take a moment to address the last part of your post. I think it is healthy to express your feelings and needs/wants in a relationship. It is healthy to identify your own boundaries. It doesn't always come naturally to frame things in terms of our own boundaries, rather than outlining expectations or requests, but it becomes easier over time.

Examples of explaining your feelings:
- For some reason, I'm really struggling with feeling like a 'secret'. I can't quite work out why.
- I'm really struggling with feeling like a 'secret'. I think this relates to XYZ feeling/fear, and I wanted you to be aware that I'm trying to work through it.
- I'm struggling with the idea of being in a relationship with someone who is in a DADT with someone else. I'm not sure this is in line with my core values, and I'm trying to work out whether we are still compatible on this front.

Examples of stating your own boundaries:
- I need to be in a relationship with someone who shares my poly values
- I need to be recognised by my metamours as the other partner
- I prefer to be in a closely-knit poly network, where we are all open and intertwined

Examples of asserting control over someone else's behaviour:
- I insist that you speak to your other partner about me

^^ This violates the agreement made between your soulmate and his girlfriend, and crosses the boundaries that his girlfriend has set on what she wants to receive. Whilst I don't personally do DADT, I don't like details. I've personally been on the receiving end of TMI, even after continually expressing my personal boundaries and preferences on these things, and it is very unpleasant. That's not fair on her. If you feel the situation is not fair on you, it's better to express what you need from a relationship than to express what you want him to do for you. Does that make sense?

Finally, whilst it's never nice to think of a partner being involved with someone who isn't on board with poly (at best, it can be irksome, and at worst, it can be threatening), it is ultimately not for us to judge or attempt to control how our loved ones behave. We can express an opinion ("I don't like this"), but we don't really have a right to do more than that. If you express your opinion and soulmate says "Oh! I didn't realise it was so upsetting for you. I'm not keen on the DADT either, so I'm happy to talk to her about it", that's a different story, because the action has come from within him, not as a request or demand from you :)
 
sparklepop said:
. . . whilst it's never nice to think of a partner being involved with someone who isn't on board with poly (at best, it can be irksome, and at worst, it can be threatening), it is ultimately not for us to judge or attempt to control how our loved ones behave.
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On the above, there is another point: many of us who are members here and practice polyamory were once against it, ignorant of it, or even staunch practitioners of monogamy. Just because she disagrees with it now does not mean she will always be at odds with it and refusing to acknowledge or hear about you. It may very well be that your boyfriend/soulmate is being as loving, kind, and compassionate as he can be regarding her objections to poly and has chosen to gently let her handle it in the best way she can think of right now, by not being cognizant of what is going on in his other relationships. For her, that could be the only path she sees for herself right now in order to slowly acclimate herself to the reality of his situation. Poly can be quite a jolt to a person's belief systems.

What is his wife's opinion of his DADT arrangement with the other girlfriend? It sounded like you communicate with his wife - do you know whether it bothers her as much as it bothers you?
 
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nycindie said:
On the above, there is another point: many of us who are members here and practice polyamory were once against it, ignorant of it, or even staunch practitioners of monogamy.
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This is a great point too.
 
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