I don't know what to do

B

Bobbi928

New member
This isn't My first post, but it's My first in a very long time.

My husband of nearly 12 years (Open marriage) went over the road truck driving 5 years ago last February. The following July, I met a guy who was just supposed to be a fwb.
Over the last almost 5 years Gary has become so much more than a fwb. When my mom died, Gary was there for me. When my father in law died... Again, I was all alone except for Gary. When my dog (very very best friend) disappeared and is presumed dead... Gary helped me search for him and held me while I cried. Gary has helped me quit drinking, and develop hobbies while my hubby is gone.
My husband has health issues that result is a terrible sex life when he is home and only comes home 3 times a year. He's been exceedingly patient as Gary and I have bonded over the years.
Yesterday, he told me he's almost done truck driving, and that when he comes home, he's going to make me stop seeing Gary.
I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I don't want to lose Gary. My husband is the only person I can truly be me with, but Gary makes me feel so alive..
I'm scared. My husband is going to cause me so much pain, and for what?
To sentence me to a sexless marriage?

I don't know what to do.
I told hubby that making me stop seeing Gary is just going to cause resentment, and that he's taking what should be a happy event (him coming home for good) and turning it into something I dread.

How do I make my husband understand that Gary being in my life doesn't make me love my husband any less, but that making me remove Gary from my life -just might?
 
By telling him what you said here*. As a trucker myself, I can empathize with your husband a little bit. While we are away our loved ones go on having a life. Basically, we come home and interrupt that life for a week or so. That can be hard to deal with. Now that he is retiring you two have to reintegrate back into each other's lives. It is time to negotiate.

Was your husband aware of how things were progressing with Gary? You indicated "open relationship", which might indicate that having strong feelings wasn't expected. Now is the time to be completely honest.

Another thing, you are your own person. Husband doesn't own you. He can't make you do anything. If you two can't come to an agreement you may have to go your separate ways.

*I would leave out the part about him not being good in bed as that will just make him defensive. In the meantime, maybe he can address those medical problems?
 
It's been almost a year to the day since I told my hubby that Gary is someone I love.
No, it wasn't expected or planned. When I told my hubby, He wasn't exactly thrilled either... But I think he thought it was a stage I would grow out of. Especially since Gary is pretty much universally disliked for being extremely unlikeanyone else. Truth be told, too much time with Gary is exhausting to me as well.
I've told my husband EVERYTHING, as soon as I know it to be true, he knows it. Last night when he said he'd make me dump Gary, I told him how bad it would hurt me, and how much resentment I would harbor.
He knows he has the upper hand. I'm not going to leave a man who can't hardly walk, and I'm not going to get a divorce from a man I still love... Plus,I won't risk losing my house in a divorce.
 
Hi Bobbi928,

I suppose the thing to do here is to tell your husband that you have strong feelings for both him and for Gary, and that it would hurt you a lot if he made you stop seeing Gary. It would be different if you and Gary hadn't already developed feelings for each other, but now that you have, it would be unfair to the both of you to split you up like that.

I would assume, of course, that there will be an adjustment period of some sort once your husband has retired from trucking. And maybe that would mean that you and Gary would see each other less often. But to cut that off completely, seems like overkill.

I hope you guys can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm so sorry.

I agree with Vinsanity. Speak plain.

Yesterday, he told me he's almost done truck driving, and that when he comes home, he's going to make me stop seeing Gary.
Click to expand...

He can ask, but he cannot MAKE you. You can say "No, thank you. I do not want to break up with Gary. I want to be with you both.

If that's not something you want to do once home from trucking, then we have to talk about parting ways."

Speak your truth.

Galagirl
 
A couple of questions first, to clarify:

My husband of nearly 12 years (Open marriage) went over the road truck driving 5 years ago last February. The following July, I met a guy who was just supposed to be a fwb.
Over the last almost 5 years Gary has become so much more than a fwb
Click to expand...

Whose idea was it to open the marriage - yours or your husband's - and for what reason? (Because he planned to be away for long periods?)

Does your husband hook up with others while he's on the road/travelling? And if so, do you talk about this or is it a DADT arrangement?

I assume, since you have an open marriage, your husband did not object to you taking a lover (Gary) at first, but it sounds like he has issues with how serious it has become, is that right?


My husband has health issues that result is a terrible sex life when he is home and only comes home 3 times a year. He's been exceedingly patient as Gary and I have bonded over the years.
Click to expand...

When you say your husband has been exceedingly patient, do you mean he's been patient DESPITE not liking the situation (sucking it up)... or that he's been supportive thus far, but has now had a change of heart?

Lastly, does your husband realise you're not satisfied with the level/quality of the sex you and he have when he's around? And if so, does he know it's because of his health issues, and not for other reasons? Have you ever had this conversation, and is he willing to address this problem and try to get help for it - if there is anything he can do about his issues (you don't specify what health problems contribute to the bad sex.)

************

Most likely he is threatened by the prospect of coming home to a wife who is both in love with another man AND considers that other man a better lover.

While he was away and didn't have to witness this up close, he could deal with it (process it in his own time... or ignore the situation/out of sight, out of mind), but now he dreads being faced with his own inadequacies. He doesn't want to compete with Gary for your time, attention, affections, because he fears he will "lose". Therefore his answer is to eliminate the competition.

If you don't want to leave your husband, yet still want to see Gary, you'll have to find some way of reassuring him that Gary is no threat to him. If you two have never done so, and you can convince him to remain somewhat open-minded about non-monogamy... you ought to do some reading on the subject together, specifically concentrating on how to manage jealousy... and perhaps attend counselling as a couple.

If your husband remains adamant in his stance, you'll be faced with the difficult decision of whether to stay in the marriage or try to make a life with Gary.
 
Bobbi928 said:
This isn't My first post, but it's My first in a very long time.

My husband of nearly 12 years (Open marriage) went over the road truck driving 5 years ago last February. The following July, I met a guy who was just supposed to be a fwb.
Over the last almost 5 years Gary has become so much more than a fwb. When my mom died, Gary was there for me. When my father in law died... Again, I was all alone except for Gary. When my dog (very very best friend) disappeared and is presumed dead... Gary helped me search for him and held me while I cried. Gary has helped me quit drinking, and develop hobbies while my hubby is gone.
My husband has health issues that result is a terrible sex life when he is home and only comes home 3 times a year. He's been exceedingly patient as Gary and I have bonded over the years.
Yesterday, he told me he's almost done truck driving, and that when he comes home, he's going to make me stop seeing Gary.
I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I don't want to lose Gary. My husband is the only person I can truly be me with, but Gary makes me feel so alive..
I'm scared. My husband is going to cause me so much pain, and for what?
To sentence me to a sexless marriage?

I don't know what to do.
I told hubby that making me stop seeing Gary is just going to cause resentment, and that he's taking what should be a happy event (him coming home for good) and turning it into something I dread.

How do I make my husband understand that Gary being in my life doesn't make me love my husband any less, but that making me remove Gary from my life -just might?
Click to expand...


Make me wonder if he was greasing more than his 5th wheel out there. I find it truly bizarre that he would "allow" you to see Gary while trucking, but suddenly has a problem with it when he gets back. As a trucker myself, my gut reaction is he isn't getting anything on the side when he gets home, now he wants you to join him. Again, my gut reaction. Could be way off.

Like the others said, a difficult decision.

I dont think he has any right to interfere with any relationship you wish to have. It's not fair to you, definitely not fair to Gary.

Whatever you do, don't lie to either. Don't say you will give up Gary when you won't, or vice versa. The pain and the difficulty you face being honest is NOTHING compared to what you face if you arent true to your heart. Talk and communicate as much as possible.
 
Bobbi928 said:
Yesterday, he told me he's almost done truck driving, and that when he comes home, he's going to make me stop seeing Gary.
Click to expand...

What GalaGirl said: he cannot make you do or not do something. The idea that he has the right to do so is very problematic.

That said, I understand this is a very trying situation for him and exerting control is the only way he sees right now to establish a sense of security, which he is severely lacking right now. When you say he's been exceedingly patient with your developing relationship with Gary, I understand that he has trouble coming to terms with it and a cause of suffering to him. Add to that medical problems, a sense of sexual inadequacy, being away from home for so long, feeling that someone is replacing him while he's away (which perhaps he can accept and frames it along the lines that you don't feel lonely).

What I see up ahead is a probably lengthy and tough negotiation, so brace yourself for that, and do it with as much kindness to yourself and to everyone else involved as you can muster. There is not one single thing you can say to your husband that will convince him that having Gary in your life doesn't mean loving him less: this has to be something he can feel on a gut level, and it will be part of a process over time.

One thing I can think of to get to as smooth a start as possible is to say that it wouldn't be fair on Gary to just throw him out of your life like that. He is a person with feelings, and cannot be treated as disposable.
 
Whose idea was it to open the marriage - yours or your husband's - and for what reason? (Because he planned to be away for long periods?)

My husband wanted to "open" our relationship as soon as we started dating. He is a swinger, and a self declared pervert. I had to adjust to the idea, took me 3 years, but we've been together 16 total. By the time he had gone on the road our "swinging" had turned into driving me to a guys house, and the hubby sitting outside in the truck, and then to me going to a bar to pick up a guy. After hubby went on the road, I met Gary, and I stopped all the random dudes - it's been just me, the hubby, and Gary for almost 5 years now.

Does your husband hook up with others while he's on the road/travelling? And if so, do you talk about this or is it a DADT arrangement?

We've always worked under an umbrella of complete honesty, and communication, we've prided ourselves on it for years, and touted how we'll outlast everyone else we know because of it..
Also, I've always said what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If I can have something on the side, so can he. However, his health has gotten really bad, and he doesn't think he can get anyone else, so he doesn't even try.

I assume, since you have an open marriage, your husband did not object to you taking a lover (Gary) at first, but it sounds like he has issues with how serious it has become, is that right?

You assume correctly. In fact, the day I met Gary I texted my hubby that i found one I wanted, and he set it all up for me.

When you say your husband has been exceedingly patient, do you mean he's been patient DESPITE not liking the situation (sucking it up)... or that he's been supportive thus far, but has now had a change of heart?

As things with Gary and I have turned from pervy kink to something more intimate, my husband's dirty stories have diminished. It doesn't help that I am less sexual with him because of his health issues either.

Lastly, does your husband realise you're not satisfied with the level/quality of the sex you and he have when he's around? And if so, does he know it's because of his health issues, and not for other reasons? Have you ever had this conversation, and is he willing to address this problem and try to get help for it - if there is anything he can do about his issues (you don't specify what health problems contribute to the bad sex.)

My husband knows everything. EVERYTHING. I communicate honestly, and openly, but try to be gentle as I do it. But he has full body arthritis and Harrison's Syndrome. Sex with him is ALL about him. Which mentally, I am fine with - I get it, he's in constant pain.. but physically - it's hard to get worked up, let alone even mildly interested.


Since my post the other day, my husband came home for a visit - and demanded I stop seeing Gary. I told him no. I told him I love him, and I'm not leaving him, and I hope he can understand that there is plenty of me to go around - but that I'm not changing anything on my end.
Then I spent the weekend finding a million little ways to remind him how much I love him - I think we're going to be okay, even though it kinda rocked him that I wouldn't dump Gary.
 
I'm glad you spoke your truth plain.

When you are ready to have part 2 of the conversation, I suppose you could ask Husband what would you dumping Gary do or solve for Husband.

And if that could be done or be solved in another way?

Galagirl
 
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Bobbi928 said:
Since my post the other day, my husband came home for a visit - and demanded I stop seeing Gary. I told him no. I told him I love him, and I'm not leaving him, and I hope he can understand that there is plenty of me to go around - but that I'm not changing anything on my end.
Then I spent the weekend finding a million little ways to remind him how much I love him - I think we're going to be okay, even though it kinda rocked him that I wouldn't dump Gary.
Click to expand...
I must say, your husband is very lucky to have such a loving, loyal, and committed wife. Best of luck in getting your husband to realize this.
 
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