I don't know what to do

I

inveniam

New member
Some background information: I have a best friend who I've known since the beginning of high school and fell in love with two years ago. I confessed to them early on, they rejected me, and I did my best to move on. I managed to "get over them" in the sense that I stopped pining after them and feeling hurt that they didn't have those feelings for me, but I still continued to feel strong affection for them.

Three months ago, I met my boyfriend. We've been officially dating for two months. Right from the start with him I knew our relationship was different from the others I have, and that he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just like my best friend, I would call him my soulmate.

Then, last month, my best friend confessed to me. Knowing they feel that way about me has brought my old feelings back up to the surface. We talked and agreed that we'd both be okay with being in a closed poly relationship with me dating them and my boyfriend. They and my boyfriend aren't interested in each other as more than friends, so they wouldn't date each other.

However, when I asked my boyfriend if he'd be okay with it, his answer wasn't positive. It was essentially "I want to be okay with it, but I'm not and I don't know how to be."

He's from a less accepting family than I am and he's had negative experiences with poly in the past where he was in an open relationship due to his partner being polyamorous, and his partner wasn't meeting his needs or being considerate. He said that he's never seen a poly relationship work out, and that he thinks it wouldn't work because it'd be too complicated. He said that just the thought makes him jealous and he doesn't know if he could deal with feeling jealous all the time in the long-term. I think just me bringing it up hurt him, and he's upset at my best friend and I for putting him in the middle and giving him the burden of having to be the person who says yes or no. Today he said he was wondering if he should just take a break, sort his stuff out and leave my best friend and I to date. The idea broke my heart. I don't want to date them if he's not comfortable with it, and I know he's not. Breaking up with him or taking a break just doesn't seem like an option to me unless it's for his own good. I love him and I'd be a depressed mess if I lost him. He's truly a one of a kind person who I want to keep in my life forever.

I also get the sense that he feels betrayed and used that I have feelings for someone else. I don't understand it, but the idea of monogamy seems to be important to him. He seems to think it diminishes the importance of a relationship if it becomes a relationship between more than two people. I don't even know how to begin to help him view poly in a more positive light, especially when every discussion about it so far has ended in tears.

I feel like I'm being torn in two. I love him, but I also love my best friend. I feel greedy for wanting more when I'm already in a happy relationship, and I don't want to push my boyfriend into something he's not okay with, but I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be with both of them.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Can someone who's easily jealous learn to be okay with their partner dating someone else, or do you have to be naturally inclined towards being less jealous for things to work out in a poly relationship? Is there some way he can learn to be okay with it, or should I just learn to live without being able to be with my best friend romantically?
 
I am sorry you struggle. I mean this all kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear. :eek:

You have to make a decision on who you want to be dating right now.

Your current BF has been honest with you. He does not want to poly. He would rather break up than do that. LISTEN, and respect his limits.

I don't want to date them if he's not comfortable with it, and I know he's not. Breaking up with him or taking a break just doesn't seem like an option to me unless it's for his own good.
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Respecting his limits and honoring his wishes IS for his own good.

  • Either date him in the model he prefers (1:1), because you are happy to date that way and be with just him.
  • Or break it off respectfully so he can be free FROM poly and because you want to date the friend/do poly instead of being in a 1:1 thing with him.

Poly is not a solution for "I cannot make up my mind who I want to date" or "I want to avoid breaking up." Poly is best when the people participating do so because they love to do poly.

Not because "poly will fix it so I don't have to make hard choices."


I also get the sense that he feels betrayed and used that I have feelings for someone else. I don't understand it, but the idea of monogamy seems to be important to him. He seems to think it diminishes the importance of a relationship if it becomes a relationship between more than two people. I don't even know how to begin to help him view poly in a more positive light, especially when every discussion about it so far has ended in tears.
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Hon, his values are his values. He values things different than what you value. And his experiences are his experiences. He has had bad experiences, so he doesn't want to do poly/open things any more. You don't HAVE to understand it. You have to respect it. Don't try to talk him into stuff he doesn't want to be doing.

It is part of the dating process -- getting to know each other more to see if you are deeply compatible and not just initially compatible.

I love him and I'd be a depressed mess if I lost him. He's truly a one of a kind person who I want to keep in my life forever.
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So try to be good exes and friends if he's up for that. Then he's still in your life.

I get that making hard choices is hard. But you basically have to pick your hard here.

  • Let the friend crush thing GO. Price of admission? Letting it go and telling friend not to bring it up anymore and to let it go also.
  • Or pursue the friend. Price of admission? Let the BF go.
  • Or... date neither of them.

But dating both of them? Not an option. A "V" requires the consent of all participants. And you don't have that. It's not kind to try to finagle or coerce consent from BF when he is clearly saying "No. I am not up for that."

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Can someone who's easily jealous learn to be okay with their partner dating someone else, or do you have to be naturally inclined towards being less jealous for things to work out in a poly relationship? Is there some way he can learn to be okay with it, or should I just learn to live without being able to be with my best friend romantically?
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It isn't that poly people never feel jealousy. It's that they are willing to poly and deal with all poly entails. You do not have that with BF. He is not willing to poly. He doesn't want to deal with the complications. And you know what? Good for him for knowing his own self and what he is and is not up for!

Dating multiple people IS more complicated than dating 1 at a time. Calendars, schedules, people all wanting different things at different times -- it's simply more variables to deal with.

I get you are disappointed that he is not up for poly.

But honestly? To me you seem to really want to date the friend. Otherwise... you could have said "Thanks for sharing that friend. But I'm in a relationship and I don't want to be with you like that at this time."

In your shoes? I would end it with the BF as kindly as possible, and then pursue the friend.

No break up is fun like "whee! let's make cookies!" So you pretty much are going to feel some kind of crap from something in the short term. I can imagine you don't feel great right now ping-ponging. The only way I know how to solve the discomfort of indecisiveness, is to MAKE A DECISION. :(

Since the short term is going to feel uncomfortable anyway? Could focus on what will bring you the best shot at happiness in the long term. Then organize all the stuff to aim toward that.

If it's the BF, pick the BF.

If it's the friend, pick the friend.

If it is needing to be on your own to sort yourself out? Pick that. End it with both and give yourself the time out you need.

But decide. When it's all hard? Pick your hard.

Galagirl
 
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I find it extremely fishy that your best friend suddenly decides that they have to be a romantic relationship with you AFTER you established a relationship with your boyfriend.

Something stinks in here. Haven't you wondered about that yourself? This epiphany at the most inconvenient of times, when you are no longer available?

Maybe you truly do want to be poly. That's fine. Your boyfriend does not. I see you running the risk of dumping your boyfriend, only to have your best friend suddenly have a change of heart AGAIN.

That said, you can't keep pushing poly down your boyfriend's throat. You really need to think about your feelings regarding both partners, and carefully examine their previous actions.
 
Hello inveniam,

If I had to place a bet, I would bet that your boyfriend will never be okay with poly. :( He is on the brink of breaking up with you just from bringing up the possibility. You seem to be saying that you don't want to lose your boyfriend under any circumstances, even if it means giving up a romantic relationship with your best friend. If that's indeed how you feel, then I suggest that you inform your best friend that your boyfriend wants you to be monogamous and you are going along with that. Be careful not to place the responsibility for this decision on your boyfriend, ultimately it is your call, given the circumstances.

You can of course attempt polyamory with your boyfriend, hoping that in a year or so he will come around and accept the situation. Just keep in mind that he may break up with you over that, with no chance of getting back together. And even if he doesn't break up with you, he may resent you for the rest of your life. Maybe. This is the risk you have to take if you choose to attempt polyamory with your boyfriend. I am thinking it is not worth the risk, but it's your life, not mine. Ultimately you'll have to decide what you'll do.

I'm sorry to say that I don't know of any special words you could say to your boyfriend to convince him that polyamory is okay (for him). The most you can do is bring the subject up from time to time. Just be aware that bringing it up this time has almost resulted in a breakup. Bringing it up in the future could have that consequence or worse.

You are caught in a painful and difficult situation. I don't envy you. I hope things work out for you, one way or the other.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
inveniam said:
I have a best friend who I've known since the beginning of high school and fell in love with two years ago. I confessed to them early on, they rejected me, and I did my best to move on. I managed to "get over them"... I still continued to feel strong affection for them.

Three months ago, I met my boyfriend. We've been officially dating for two months. Right from the start with him I knew our relationship was different from the others I have, and that he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just like my best friend, I would call him my soulmate.

Then, last month, my best friend confessed to me. Knowing they feel that way about me has brought my old feelings back up to the surface. We talked and agreed that we'd both be okay with being in a closed poly relationship with me dating them and my boyfriend. They and my boyfriend aren't interested in each other as more than friends, so they wouldn't date each other.
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powerpuffgrl1969 said:
I find it extremely fishy that your best friend suddenly decides that they have to be a romantic relationship with you AFTER you established a relationship with your boyfriend.

Something stinks in here. Haven't you wondered about that yourself? This epiphany at the most inconvenient of times, when you are no longer available?
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What powerpuffgrl said. ^^^

This was also MY first thought when I read the OP.

inveniam, don't you think it's rather suspicious (or to be kinder, convenient bordering on odd timing) for your "best friend" to suddenly decide they're in love with you after all, as soon as you've met and fallen in love with a guy who you consider another soulmate and someone you can see wanting to spend the rest of your life with?

Not only did this friend (who you've known for many years, and to whom you once confessed your love and had to spend a deal of time and effort getting over) suddenly develop feelings for you only a month after you began dating your boyfriend, but they decided their feelings cannot wait and just HAD to announce them to you at this most awkward of times, putting you in a very uncomfortable position and essentially forcing a choice.

Sure, you and friend discussed the situation amongst yourselves and "agreed" it'd be alright if they dated you simultaneously to you dating your boyfriend - albeit, this initial talk didn't include the boyfriend in question, as far as I can tell.

Now you discover this "once in a lifetime" partner is not so cool with this idea; in fact, they've been burnt by a poly situation before and don't intend to go there again. Monogamy and feeling special and like "the only one" is important to him. You say you can't understand this mindset because you were raised in a family that was more open and can't see a problem with dating both him and your friend... and are looking for tips to change his mind.

Don't you think you may be working LESS from a position of being naturally inclined towards polyamory yourself, and MORE from a place of "this is the one who got away... if I don't take this opportunity NOW, I may never get it again" in regards to the best friend's declaration of love (?)

I know you say you've been best friends for this person for years, however, you also say you managed to "get over" them while still retaining a degree of affection towards them that's a little more than friendship. NOW, because of this unexpected and frankly, ill-timed announcement, you've suddenly been thrown into an "it's now or never" headspace and I would hate for you to make a decision based on that, or desperation, or misplaced loyalty.

I'm not saying it'd be "wrong" to get involved in a poly V with your boyfriend and best friend - but you DO need three unanimous "YESes" in order for it to be workable - and at this stage, your boyfriend is erring more toward the "hell no!" camp.

You need to gauge (in your own mind and heart) HOW vital a part of your life your boyfriend is, or will be in the future... which I know is hard to determine after only three months... and how adamantly he opposed the idea of polyamory. (Is it "just" because of his one bad past experience? If he was willing to "go there" in the first place it doesn't sound like poly is a completely foreign concept. Is it because he fears he won't be able to handle the jealousy aspect? This can be worked on, but only IF he and all parties are willing to do the emotional work, some reading, and maybe counselling.)

When you imagine your long-term future, who do you envisage being with, and who can you NOT imagine being with - in a romantic/sexual partnership sense? If you are only grasping at a relationship with your best friend because it's finally being offered, or contemplating poly so you don't lose what you're so close to grasping, then I'd do some serious evaluation.
 
inveniam said:
I have a best friend who I've known since the beginning of high school and fell in love with two years ago.....
Three months ago, I met my boyfriend. We've been officially dating for two months. Right from the start with him I knew our relationship was different from the others I have, and that he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Just like my best friend, I would call him my soulmate....
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1. Are you all in high school?
2. Have you been dating your BF for two months?
3. "The rest of my life" is very possibly 80 years.

Let's get some perspective here.
 
To put this another way... some people only want what they can't/don't have. Usually these are possessive, insecure, possibly immature people.

When the person or thing they previously weren't interested in threatens to walk out the door or looks like they might not be so readily available in the future, then they suddenly decide they can't live without whoever/whatever it is.

Basically, they don't know WHO or WHAT they really want, but they know they want to feel wanted and needed. Such people are capricious and fickle, and are driven by ego (masking their insecurity). They tend to run through relationships and sometimes jobs with alarming frequency.

If any of this rings any bells re: your best friend, inveniam, then take note. If not and I'm way off base, feel free to ignore my rantings. I admit the above is a generalisation.
 
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