I don't think this is for me. What now?

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poobah123

New member
My wife Sarah and I are involved with another couple who are also married (Sunny and Sam). In brief, it started when I had an emotional affair with Sunny. Along the way, I thought why not polyamory? So brought it up with Sarah once in a while. Well, eventually she and Sam ended up in love.

When it started I was VERY jealous. Most of my desire to have a relationship with Sunny totally went away. Whatever spell she had on me was lifted. At least it felt that way.

However, I continued, because I wanted to overcome my jealousy and give something special to Sarah. Since then, I have made lots of progress, but I am still struggling.

Now I am coming to grips with the fact that being polyamorous may just not be for me. If I decide to end this, I will end up hurting everyone involved, especially Sarah, who loves him very much. I love Sunny very much as well, but I am sad to say that I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with her.

If I do ask to end things, how can we "just" be friends with them? How can Sarah and I trust each other? I mean, once you're given a pass and you know how special that person is to her, what if there is a weak moment and they end up being physical? Sarah suggested we way need to move away!

Any advice? Right now I told Sarah not to make any rash decisions, as I am still trying to figure if the problem is me holding onto stupid emotions like jealousy and possessiveness.

Thanks.
 
Perhaps you could take a break from seeing Sunny, and see how you do with just Sarah seeing Sam. There's no rule that you have to be with another couple equally. Just because you want to stop doesn't mean everyone has to, does it? You can both have separate relationships. Lastly, moving away shouldn't even be an option. Relationships end sometimes. Are you really super embarrassed about it, and that's why you would move? :confused:
 
nycindie said:
Perhaps you could take a break from seeing Sunny, and see how you do with just your Sarah seeing Sam. There's no rule that you have to be with another couple equally. Just because you want to stop doesn't mean everyone has to, does it? You can both have separate relationships.
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What she said.
 
poobah123 said:
My wife and I are involved with another couple who are also married. In brief, it started when I had an emotional affair with Sunny
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Well, that's why. Poly kinda means not squelching emotions if you don't have to, and you skipped over this statement's meanings to comment instead on Sarah's emotions towards Sam (when she had the nerve to feel things towards him), and your jealousy surrounding those feelings. If you'd started this thread with the above quote, and Sarah's feelings about your emotions for Sunny, and how to deal with that, it would've been telling in a much different way than the fact that it is now that it's YOUR feelings that are being challenged that it's become "a problem."

I don't know what's happened. Did Sunny just want to be friends with benefits? Did she not know you had feelings? Did she have them too, but you felt it was "wrong" because you and Sarah weren't identifying as poly? Are you irritated Sarah wants more, when you couldn't have more?
 
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How long have you been working on this?
Has anything happened to make you think you won't keep making progress?
What sorts of feelings and reactions are you experiencing?
Do you have an idea of where it's all coming from? Is it fear that Sarah will like something about him better than you, fear that she'll love him more, fear she'll get pregnant, etc?
Have you considered couples counseling with a poly-friendly counselor? (It's gotta be cheaper than moving!)
Have you read the resources on dealing with jealousy at www.morethantwo.com?
 
Sometimes what poly does is open up our heads and hearts and shine a light on all of the stuff that's not healthy and has been hiding from us. This can be scary and unpleasant, and the first reaction and easiest thing to do is to stop doing poly so we can shove the unhealthy stuff back into the darkness.

Or you can see this is a golden opportunity to work on the unhealthy stuff, pull it out of the darkness, take it for a ride, see what it's all about and eventually let it go.

I think a counselor might very well be in order, if only to help you find out where the feelings/emotions are coming from and work through them.

In the end, this work will help YOU become a healthier person. In return, it will help you become a healthier partner for Sarah, and help your relationship.

I'd suggest giving that a little time before making any big decisions.
 
Hi there PooBah,

First off, I'd say you are possibly a bit confused, which never helps rough spots. I'd say, just from what little you've written, that you guys dabbled in swinging, which may or may not lead to poly understanding. It's critical that you understand the difference. Read/study until you do. There's a wealth of good information here, as well as numerous other places.

There's a difference between love and infatuation. Again, judging just from the little you wrote, I'd guess that what you were experiencing with Sunny was more infatuation. We don't just get bored with love so easily.

Likely, this all started, like it commonly does, out of a desire for some sexual variation, passion, whatever. It may not even have progressed beyond that, although it seems there might be some potential. Now that you've tried it, you've discovered that you are not studied enough or emotionally prepared for the roads this can take you down. That's ok. Not everyone has it in them, for a variety of reasons.

All I can say is that the journey is worth the struggle though, if you can do it. It can be a life-changing experience in how we view the world (and people) around us, and how we fit in to the whole picture.

Good luck, whichever route you choose to follow. Please feel free to come here for support. Lots of great wise people here.


poobah123 said:
My wife and I are involved with another couple. It started when I had an emotional affair with Sunny. Along the way, I thought why not polyamory? So brought it up with Sarah once in a while. Well, eventually she and he ended up in love.

When it started I was VERY jealous. Most of my desire to have relationship with Sunny totally went away. Whatever spell she had on me was lifted.

However, I continued because I wanted to overcome my jealousy and give something special to Sarah. Since then, I have made lots of progress, but I am still struggling.

Now I am coming to grips with the fact that being poly may just not be for me. If I decide to end this I will end up hurting everyone involved., especially Sarah, who loves Sam very much. I love Sunny very much, but I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with her.

If I do ask to end things, how can we "just" be friends with them? How can Sarah and i trust each other? If there is a weak moment they may end up being physical. Sarah suggested we may need to move away.

I told her not to make any rash decisions, as I am still trying to figure if the problem is me holding onto stupid emotions like jealousy and possessiveness.
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Thanks.

Anneintherain, you are right. The negative feelings are mostly focused on being uncomfortable with Sarah and Sam being physical, less so the emotions. Also I am fighting the human programming of being polyamory not being normal. Ugh.

I spoke with Sunny last night and told her I needed a break. Obviously she was very upset, as am I. It's like I purposely tore my own heart out, and hers, too. WTF am I doing?

I told her that it was not fair to her that I put her through so many emotional ups and downs, and that for the time being I wanted to avoid hurting her anymore and take time for myself. I have given a lot to both Sarah and Sunny since this started, but now I feel like I need to give to myself.

I have no doubt I love Sunny, and Sarah too. If I did not, I would not be hurting so much today. I feel miserable. I am afraid I might lose something with Sunny and never get it back, all because of some hidden bullshit in my head.

Still, when I think about being poly, I see the great things that it brings to my life and to the others involved.

I am trying to do the right thing. Take time for myself to reassess things, and then make decisions. I am pretty sure I know how this will end up, because I love both of them.
 
You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking time for yourself. Good for you, man. Much better a break than a meltdown that leads to rash decisions or ultimatums. Take it at your own pace, and think about the things that have been raised in this thread.
 
GroundedSpirit, well said. Yes, I have not included much here, but I have posted previously on other threads about my ups and downs. The four of us really do have an understanding of being poly. We have discussed this together. I do not consider it swinging. I know how Sarah feels about Sam. I am understanding and accepting of her feelings, just not the physical aspect of their relationship.

Sometime it all boils down to an overwhelming feeling of, "What the hell am I doing???"
 
It's so interesting to me how women often seem to have more of a problem with their partner's emotional "affair" and men often seem to have the biggest problem with the sex. You're not alone, at any rate. I'm sure there's lots of good advice and techniques out there from other poly guys who've wrestled with this and come through it to find a place of compersion.
 
Boy, I have made one hell of a mess. Sunny is upset. Sarah says she has nothing for me without Sam. (This is junk, I know. She is just upset.)

I feel horrible.

One thing is I reached out to Sam, because he and I have never really talked for more than 5 minutes. He reached out first last weekend. Perhaps talking to him and building some kind of friendship will go a long way to making me feel better.
 
poobah123 said:
I reached out to Sam... He reached out first... Perhaps talking to him and building some kind of friendship will go along way to making me feel better.
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YES! I bet it will make a world of difference to be able to see him as a real person, maybe even a friend, instead of just a competitor.

One of the best things about befriending your metamours is that they can give you invaluable insight into your partner sometimes. A silly true-life example -- Eric and I were cleaning up after dinner once and I commented offhandedly that I am found it funny that Gia's said before that she finds it too overwhelming when garlic and onions are in the same dish, yet I'd put them both in our meal without thinking and she'd loved it. He looked abashed and said it was probably because he loves those ingredients and always OVERuses them.

Translate that from cooking to emotional habits or sex, and you can see how that sort of "insider knowledge" could really come in handy!
 
Good for you for taking a break and letting everyone know what you need. I think everyone will be better off by you doing so. Why is Sarah upset? You didn't tell her she needs to dump Sam, did you? She can go it alone, no? Why do you have to be a part of all that?
 
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