I Fell into a Vee

[Jess1200]

Hi all,

My wife "MsR" and i have been together 12 years. She has been very clear in the last ~5 years that she believes in polyamory and wants us to be open to it. I support her and want her to be fulfilled in all ways. I also see the value in poly...I should also mention here that life events evolved in the last few years and we were having very infrequent sex...


Enter MsL
6 weeks ago, We were visiting a friend who lives 3 hours away and met MsL there. We hit it off instantly and had a drunken threesome. one thing led to another, she and MsR texted and kept in touch and one day MsR checked in with me letting me know that she had feelings for MsL and would like to pursue a relationship with her.
In these interactions she had discovered she is interested in D/s and that MsL and her will be pursing a D/s type of relationship. (MsR as s). This came a a complete shock to me as she never mentioned this before. She acknowledged that she did not know that she was interested in this either until meeting MsL. I gave them the go ahead..
My expectations at this point were that they were embarking on a FWB / D/s type of relationship.

The Evolution
MsL and MsR now consider themselves girlfriends..This is much more than i original bargained for.

Since that time, I have been witness to very intimidating/shocking NRE. So much so that I found this site and began reading all of the materials suggested (More than two, opening up, jealousy handbook, etc). this really helped to understand the NRE and find some frameworks for how to think about MsL in this situation as well as understanding my own jealousy/insecurity/envy, etc.

MsL has visited our home for several 4-day visits upon which she will spend "alone time" with MsR; the three of us will go to dinner/bars/hang out at the house/ and even have the occasional threesome. MsR went on a trip to MsL's home as well (my suggestion & i didn't attend).

The away trip was easier on me than the visits in my home. I have no ill will toward MsL- i am envious of the NRE they have and remember the time when myself and MsR had that. I am trying to find my place in all of this...

Me and MsL
She is very nice and I like her as a person
We text as a group with MsR and also with just each other.
I do not kiss her or engage in any dyad activity with her.
I have told her that i wouldn't want MsR opening up our relationship with any one but her. she is very understanding and checks in with me often. she is supportive of my ups and downs too

Me and MsR
things with MsR and I have heated up in the bedroom a bit- we are less "bed deathy"....i just feel like something just woke up inside of me and i have this renewed passion for intimacy of all sorts with MsR ... Some if this comes from the whirlwind of NRE contagion in this house, you can't help but pick it up

How I'm doing

I am on an emotional rollercoaster at this point. Ive started seeing a therapist to help me process all of this so that MsR and i don't keep having the same argument.
argument goes like this: "I would really appreciate it if you would be a little more present with me when I'm home from work rather than hanging out on FaceTime with MsL" or "I felt rejected when you didn't want me to _[intimacy]___ today" etc...
and she responds with a statement like " you didn't want this before, why do you want it now?... You're making this about you, i need this for me. ", etc. I think I'm trying to give feedback too often and that is creating stress...so I'm working on that...

Im not sure what poly means for me personally or if I'm interested in having my own situation. I think that would be adding fuel to the fire at this point.


Questions
What advice do you all have for the "old partner " in a new v?
How long does this insecurity last? How long will i feel like our life is turned upside down?
Any tips regarding intimacy fatigue after visits with a NRE stage metamour?
Will this be just as hard for her if i seek a relationship for myself?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Jess1200,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I once heard the saying, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." There is probably some truth to it and gives you a very rough estimate. As for NRE, they say it lasts somewhere between six and 24 months (some say between three and 36). Obviously the obstacles aren't going to go away quickly, so you are going to need considerable patience and a zen approach to the situation. You have done an outstanding job of educating yourself about poly and I would just encourage you to continue that.

Whether you seek an additional partner of your own is totally up to you. Not everyone does that. I don't; I am in a V (I am one leg of the V) and I don't have any intentions of dating anyone new. I have grown satisfied with what I have.

I guess the thing to do is to pace yourself; don't try to digest too much at one time. Spend a little time in seclusion if you start feeling overwhelmed.

I hope that helps a bit.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'ms sorry you struggle.

"I would really appreciate it if you would be a little more present with me when I'm home from work rather than hanging out on FaceTime with MsL" or "I felt rejected when you didn't want me to _[intimacy]___ today" etc...

Reasonable enough. You are using "I" statements in there. You seem to want to connect and talk. If she doesn't want [intimacy] today, when does she? Would she prefer you not offer? How will she make you aware when she does want it?

she responds with a statement like " you didn't want this before, why do you want it now?.

Well, you are not static. You are allowed to change your wants over time. How else would she know things changed with you if you don't speak up and make her aware? She's not a mind reader.

You're making this about you, i need this for me. ", etc.

To me? You are not asking her to give up her GF. You seem to be asking her to spend some of her time tending to the dyad she has with you.

She's coming off a bit hostile or defensive.

You could try asking "Wait. What did you just hear me say? Could you be willing to repeat that back to me so I know you got it how I meant it?"

I think I'm trying to give feedback too often and that is creating stress...so I'm working on that...

How often are you asking? Because I think it's fair to ask for some time and attention to tend to the dyad you share with you wife. Does she think that's fair?

If so, how would she like go about it? You? Set regular date nights aside? Something else?

Galagirl

 

[Aridan]

Any tips regarding intimacy fatigue after visits with a NRE stage metamour?

I'm curious as to what you mean by this. Is it that you feel like you need time to yourself when she's gone, or that your wife is less inclined to be intimate with just you after her girlfriend leaves?

I found this interesting, as I can say that I find myself fatigued after a weekend around my lover and her husband. I find the time when it's just her and I to be so much easier on me mentally and emotionally. In my case I think it's because my metamour has no interest in being close to me in any way, as a friend, a play partner, or just as a person who shares love for his wife. It doesn't sounds like that's the case for you.

Thank you for sharing your situation. It sounds like you've been very supportive, and I hope to hear more and that things grow in a positive direction from here.

 

[Nadya]

How long does this insecurity last? How long will i feel like our life is turned upside down?

There is no way to know. Most likely it will last for quite a while, as Kevin stated. But, this all depends mostly on yourself. It is your job to find your inner peace, no one else can do it for you. Your wife and metamour can be either supporting or disturbing your process, but in the end it is your process.

Be kind to yourself. The process is a demanding one, and even though you intellectually see value in a polyamorous life, it takes time for your emotions to follow suit. It sounds good that you have started to see a therapist. Hopefully they can help you.

Im not sure what poly means for me personally or if I'm interested in having my own situation. I think that would be adding fuel to the fire at this point.

Take your time. Keep educating yourself about poly, keep seeing the therapist. You will eventually find out whether or not you will want multiple relationships for yourself. As you are so insecure about so many things right now, I think it is a wise idea not to seek additional relationships at this moment. I believe that one's own inner world is reflected in the people around us. Now, as you are going through this turmoil, you'd most likely attract people in similar inner state and the result would be more drama. So yes, I think you are right about it adding fuel to the fire.

Will this be just as hard for her if i seek a relationship for myself?

Again, there is no way to know this before it happens. Maybe, maybe not.

 

[Jess1200]

Making progress...

Such insightful and comforting feedback from you all thank so so very very much. Its such a powerful thing to feel supported and connected in this way. It really is.

I once heard the saying, "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." There is probably some truth to it and gives you a very rough estimate. As for NRE, they say it lasts somewhere between six and 24 months (some say between three and 36).

Wow- thats very good to know that I should be settling in for a long journey. Poly relationships have a very long gestation period!

You are allowed to change your wants over time. How else would she know things changed with you if you don't speak up and make her aware? She's not a mind reader.
.....
To me? You are not asking her to give up her GF. You seem to be asking her to spend some of her time tending to the dyad she has with you.
...
You could try asking "Wait. What did you just hear me say? Could you be willing to repeat that back to me so I know you got it how I meant it?"

Thanks for this bit of advice, it gave me the validation i needed to (1) confidently identify what i need and (2) eloquently specify a concrete solution to fill this need (some quality alone time-in whatever capacity /form it takes)

I've already used this "repeat back" suggestion and its really helped me uncover some key fears that she has been projecting onto our conversations that were absolutely NOT a part of what i was trying to convey.

... I think it's fair to ask for some time and attention to tend to the dyad you share with you wife. Does she think that's fair?
If so, how would she like go about it? You? Set regular date nights aside? Something else?

Im happy to say that after we found some quality time together, I felt this HUGE release valve activate within me and i felt so much more secure. And it is a lasting feeling (not just fleeting after the first day or so). MsR and i discussed this impact and she sees the value that this small investment has on our relationship as well as the other relationships involved.

I'm curious as to what you mean by this. Is it that you feel like you need time to yourself when she's gone, or that your wife is less inclined to be intimate with just you after her girlfriend leaves?

This is mostly about my MsR being completely wiped out for almost a week after MsL visits (since its a LDR).

It is your job to find your inner peace, no one else can do it for you. Your wife and metamour can be either supporting or disturbing your process, but in the end it is your process.

Nadya- i cannot tell you what a great reminder this is. I have to keep in mind that I am ultimately responsible for my progress and my happiness in this group , in my own relationships, and life really.

 

[GalaGirl]

I've already used this "repeat back" suggestion and its really helped me uncover some key fears that she has been projecting onto our conversations that were absolutely NOT a part of what i was trying to convey.

Im happy to say that after we found some quality time together, I felt this HUGE release valve activate within me and i felt so much more secure. And it is a lasting feeling (not just fleeting after the first day or so). MsR and i discussed this impact and she sees the value that this small investment has on our relationship as well as the other relationships involved.

Glad to hear that!

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Jess1200):

"Poly relationships have a very long gestation period!"

Yes indeed, they do.