I focus on relationships, partner on sex

[Danni]

I want to be clear, I'm not complaining about my partner in any way. We just have some trouble fully understanding eachother motivations and viewpoints, and thought a forum here might give talking points.
We follow main/other structure, but share our others/playmates often, even occasionally forming loose nests if the wind blows.
Few definitions:
Other - A regular date outside of the main
Playmate - anyone we play with. Normally suggests someone we don't date, or just a friend who plays with us.

I tend to call mine others, she tends to call them playmates, which is about to make a lot of sense.

I'm pan, NB, born a male. Both demi-sexual and hyper-sexual. I have to be emotionally attracted to get going, but will spend up to 5 hr/day sexually. Poly since I started dating, but only had avenues to explore recently. I focus on actually dating my others because of all this, but really enjoy the sex when it comes.
My main (F, bi, kinda mostly into NBs) on the other hand, is a clinically diagnosed nymphomaniac. It doesn't bother me when she sleeps with others, I'll even be gaming in the same room. She likes to know her playmates still, and doesn't go out much to find new playmates. She sets up more playtimes than dates.

My main loves my partners I bring home every time, which makes me ecstatic because I worry about the character of some of her playmates. She even keeps up and plays with my others more than her own. It works nicely, because we can play as a group, which greatly helps work around the demisexuality early on.

This all leads to a weird situation where she's confused and a little jealous that I'm not sleeping with my dates constantly, and I'm confused and a little jealous that she can play so easily because of my demi-hyper-sexuality.

It also places a lot on me to find partners, and my standards are rediculous, so I'm on tinder, Grindr, hily, and bumble often, looking for the next playmate/other. It's fun for me, but moving lost my others, and I don't get to play much right now. I'm even the birthmale, so it'd be much easier for her to find more playmates, she's just bad at picking kind partners.

There are times it's a perfect fit. I'm really good at attracting people for conversation, finding reasons to go talk to people I don't know, and getting them comfortable with me and conversation. It's because I'm non-presumptive mostly, but being non-presumptive makes it very difficult to close on anything. It's like I'm the bait and hook, but I've got no line to reel.
My partner is very useful at this point when we are out together because she is a walking rainbow with an aura of desire. The one everyone wants to sleep with to some degree. Not a lot of fawning, but desire. It's like she's the line and reel to my hook and bait. And from there we can reel it in together.

There are also times it doesn't work quite as well. I'm back and forth living with her because of work, and with her nymphomania, she's sometimes looking for a playmate desperately. Normally she'd have her own, but the semi-nested one pissed us both off, and the others got jealous that she'd be moving, didn't make time. So I sent her one of my boys, J. Still completely my first pick of anyone to take care of her, but I was a little jealous, but more about J than her.
See, I had met J a few months prior. He was just a really good chat at a bar one night, and kissed well but wasn't overbearing with it, just sweet. Turns out I'm the only birthmale he's ever been attracted to and it was a great dynamic. He was really special to me, because he couldn't explain it in the slightest, and was into how close my main and I are. He was perfect for being a favorite other. They hadn't even had eachother numbers, and I missed out on my two favorite people.

You've read a lot at this point, so I'll wrap up. Am I doing too much of the lifting? Are there any terms for being poly in a sexual vs. romantic sense to help us find other explanations for eachother? Any recommendations for finding other poly people looking to date? Anything sound novel or interesting from this? Anything sound problematic? Thoughts, concerns, comments, questions?
Any suggestions to help us with the confusion and frustration from demi vs. Nymphomaniac? Or how to get more comfortable with her playmates when they want me involved? We've tried strip games or having a date night beforehand, but it's still hit or miss.

 

[FallenAngelina]

My main (F, bi, kinda mostly into NBs) on the other hand, is a clinically diagnosed nymphomaniac.

"Nymphomania" is not a diagnosis in the DSM-5. What kind of clinic gave her this dx?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Are there any terms for being poly in a sexual vs. romantic sense to help us find other explanations for each other?

Sounds like this is a poly/open V. Poly on your side, and open on hers. You want romantic and sexual partners, with some FWB or play partners (kink?). And then she wants just sexual partners/FWB or play partners.

Am I doing too much of the lifting?

Yes. It is not your job to find her sex partners. And you sound like you do too much and it's starting to wear you out.

You could also stop sharing partners if that just leads to fuzzy boundaries and weird.

I'm back and forth living with her because of work, and with her nymphomania, she's sometimes looking for a playmate desperately.

Sounds like a good reason then to date but not live together. Maintain your own spaces.

Normally she'd have her own, but the semi-nested one pissed us both off, and the others got jealous that she'd be moving, didn't make time. So I sent her one of my boys, J. Still completely my first pick of anyone to take care of her, but I was a little jealous, but more about J than her.

Why is it your job to "send her one of your boys?"

And why on earth "send" the one you found special? You don't have to "share" everything with her. I am concerned you sound a little enmeshed. Maybe you want to think about doing some detangling.

We just have some trouble fully understanding eachother motivations and viewpoints, and thought a forum here might give talking points.

If understanding can be reached, great. But just how much to do you ACTUALLY have to understand to function? Versus just accept? Could reflect on that.

Not the same thing but I don't understand why my DH loves model WWII planes so much. To me they just look like expensive plastic things but whatever. I accept he likes it, and he can spent his personal money how he wants so if he wants ANOTHER model kit when there's already been so many... whatever. He can like what he likes without me having to like it too.

I will admire whatever he finishes and listen to his plane stories. But me? I don't want to build planes, and I don't share this enthusiasm. I don't get or understand what is so fascinating.

But do I really NEED to understand it to see and accept he likes it? No. I just need to accept this is a thing with him that he likes.

Any suggestions to help us with the confusion and frustration from demi vs. Nymphomaniac?

Yes. You can be ok with you doing you, and her doing her and stop comparing.

You do not have to be like cookie cutters of each other. You don't have to dress the same, like the same movies, or have the same dating style or preferences.

Instead, could think about just accepting. Accept you each like different things, and let it be.

And ok fine. She envies that you don't have to struggle with the desire to have sex all the time.

And you envy that she doesn't have to struggle with needing to have connection first as a demi sexual, and not being able to do casual sex at easy.

So feel envy, but accept and let go because everyone in the world has their own personal things to deal with. Not the same exact things... but things all the same.

What would you need to have to be at peace and be able to do that?

Or how to get more comfortable with her playmates when they want me involved? We've tried strip games or having a date night beforehand, but it's still hit or miss.

How about just skipping it? Group sex or sharing partners not a requirement. And if casual sex isn't your thing, you aren't obligated to do any.

Since you have observed that she picks out unkind partners or partners of questionable character at times? Spares you having to deal with that while she learns from her mistakes and figures out how to vet people better.

How she ever going to learn the skill if you've been finding people FOR her?

When she or her other playmates invite you to share group sex? You could say "I'm flattered, thanks. But I think it's better you all carry on with out me. I'll sit this one out."

And there. You don't have to deal with any of that. Because your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU.

And hopefully you keeping better personal boundaries will lead to less stress and less frustrations so you can start to feel better over time.

That's my suggestion.

Do less work, less overthinking and more just accepting, back off and let her find her own dates, and keep better boundaries with her.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Danni,

Sounds like you and your main have things you can learn from each other: You could learn to play more easily, and she could learn to not sleep with her dates constantly. It sounds like the two of you work really well together. I think you should keep doing that. Be careful that you don't do too much of the lifting, keep the benefits equally divided. There is polyamorous, and then there is polysexual, it's important to know both terms and their definitions. You can get more comfortable with her playmates when they want you involved, it just takes practice.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

I'm pan, NB, born a male. Both demi-sexual and hyper-sexual. I have to be emotionally attracted to get going, but will spend up to 5 hr/day sexually.

This all leads to a weird situation where she's confused and a little jealous that I'm not sleeping with my dates constantly, and I'm confused and a little jealous that she can play so easily because of my demi-hyper-sexuality.

See, I had met J a few months prior. He was just a really good chat at a bar one night, and kissed well but wasn't overbearing with it, just sweet. Turns out I'm the only birthmale he's ever been attracted to and it was a great dynamic.

I thought demi-sexuality was needing to build an emotional bond before sexual attraction was a thing. This sounds like you are making out in bars with strangers. Have I misunderstood?

It also places a lot on me to find partners, and my standards are rediculous, so I'm on tinder, Grindr, hily, and bumble often, looking for the next playmate/other. It's fun for me, but moving lost my others, and I don't get to play much right now. I'm even the birthmale, so it'd be much easier for her to find more playmates, she's just bad at picking kind partners.

Super confused as to why you need to be a pimp for your partner. I get that you guys "share" partners between each other, but is it your intention to be responsible for whether or not each other is getting laid? Is that part of your configuration?

There are times it's a perfect fit. I'm really good at attracting people for conversation, finding reasons to go talk to people I don't know, and getting them comfortable with me and conversation. It's because I'm non-presumptive mostly, but being non-presumptive makes it very difficult to close on anything. It's like I'm the bait and hook, but I've got no line to reel.
My partner is very useful at this point when we are out together because she is a walking rainbow with an aura of desire. The one everyone wants to sleep with to some degree. Not a lot of fawning, but desire. It's like she's the line and reel to my hook and bait. And from there we can reel it in together.

Sounds like you guys have a team dating thing going where you start the conversations and they come in for the kill. I don't know your context, but this whole scenario sounds like you are both players, who like banging, and go out to bars to frequently rake in more people to bone.

No judgment, but I suppose I'm curious about how this is reconciled against being demi-sexual. Those two things don't seem to line up and I feel like I must be missing a part of the context of your association.

So I sent her one of my boys, J. Still completely my first pick of anyone to take care of her, but I was a little jealous, but more about J than her.
He was really special to me, because he couldn't explain it in the slightest, and was into how close my main and I are. He was perfect for being a favorite other. They hadn't even had eachother numbers, and I missed out on my two favorite people.

You sent "one of your boys" over to your partner to bang? Is there a dom/sub element at play here? I'm starting to think that there is a kink in play that we aren't discussing.

Are there any terms for being poly in a sexual vs. romantic sense to help us find other explanations for eachother?

You've already used terms that I've had to go look up to see if I can figure out what's going on with you two, so I don't think adding even more jargon is going to help you be any more clear.

I would suggest moving away from the jargon, and just being clear on what it is that you are looking for. Jargon can be helpful conversational shorthand *if* everyone present knows exactly what you mean by the jargon, otherwise it adds unnecessary drag to the conversation and just makes you look silly for trying to impress people with obscure labels. I'd drop it and just try to be honest.

Any suggestions to help us with the confusion and frustration from demi vs. Nymphomaniac?

Every relationship I've ever seen or heard of had at least some level of mismatch between interest in being sexual. It is always something that people should discuss to make sure that everything that is taking place is what everyone involved actually wants.

Since you define yourself as hyper-sexual, you two might actually be pretty close to each other on that spectrum. You define yourself as demi-sexual, but you are also flexible enough to make out with strangers in a bar and be part of a pick-up team. Honestly it sounds to me like you two are doing roughly the same thing, and the only real difference would be that you likely take longer to want to bone a stranger than your partner.

Or how to get more comfortable with her playmates when they want me involved? We've tried strip games or having a date night beforehand, but it's still hit or miss.

Is there some kind of struggle being presented by your partner or the harem related to your not wanting to bone them enough? Your sexual interest is your sexual interest, and that is the one and only thing you need to keep in mind when answering someone who wants to bone you. Do you want to bone them? Then bone them. Do you not want to bone them? Tell them you don't want to bone them and it's over. It's not complex, but does require everyone to use their voices and set healthy boundaries.