I got a "am I crazy?" moment re.

[jacQues]

Thanks so much everyone for your messages! I appreciate it a lot, albeit a tad overwhelming (single parent and other 'stuff' going on as well). I learned new things and am happy to have broadened my perspective.

 

[jacQues]

Thank you so much Magdlyn. Very very helpful! This is what we ended up doing - discussing what to 'relay' and what not. That worked for us.

Another comment said she's playing games and another with more "end of relation" remarks than I'm comfortable with. Those kinda shocked me. She's not playing games, but now it seems there are subconscious games at hand. Old patterns and such. Problems kept cropping up and I couldn't cope. So we saw a relationship coach yesterday. I asked her and I'm grateful she agreed. Without her OSO, because they're good and that simply wouldn't make sense. He put a lot of stress on her...again. I realise that without his consent it has little chance. We asked for it in advance and he gave it. But looking at his behaviour that doesn't seem the case at all. So...I guess back to friend zone? :-(

About the coach. My first time. We had a good talk. I can recommend forking out the doh. But I can also advise not to wait long.

There's no need to have an understanding that one couple who practice poly will tell each other EVERYTHING. Good communication is important. Honesty and transparency about one's own feelings and decisions that affect your partner(s) is important.

But a hinge should be tactful. And there are things one partner says or does that a hinge shouldn't share with her other partner(s). Hell, even mono people won't tell their mom everything their lover says or does. They might tell their bff something intimate about their lover or spouse, but that can get sticky. I know I've felt uncomfortable around friends' husbands because my friend told me intimate or unpleasant things about him.

What your gf's OSO says or does should be between them. Telling each other EVERYTHING only concerns what you two personally think or feel.

Your gf should be asking her OSO for consent about what is OK, or not, to share with you, just as she should be asking you what is OK for her to share with him. Maybe he wouldn't find you gross if she wasn't oversharing about you with him.

Telling you that he finds the idea of her fucking you nauseating did no one any good. It wasn't helpful. If anything, it should make her rethink how much to tell you about her other relationships. You didn't need to hear it. If anything, she could have said something more general, like, "My OSO struggles with the idea that I am poly (and so maybe he's not right for me)."

 

[kdt26417]

Hi jacQues, thanks for that update; sorry you had to go back to the friend zone. It's true that poly has to be done with the consent of *all* involved parties, so if "Guy 1" is acting shitty and dropping hints that he no longer consents, it's probably best to take a step back ... and honestly maybe she should rethink her relationship with Guy 1, though I suppose that is up to her.

 

[jacQues]

Hi jacQues, thanks for that update; sorry you had to go back to the friend zone. It's true that poly has to be done with the consent of *all* involved parties, so if "Guy 1" is acting shitty and dropping hints that he no longer consents, it's probably best to take a step back ... and honestly maybe she should rethink her relationship with Guy 1, though I suppose that is up to her.

Thank you. You are right. I am devastated and called in sick at work. I'm gonna take it very slow for a bit. Luckily, because of Corona that's easy.

He always said he consented, but I regularly question his actions. Everyone thinks she should rethink her relationship with him, because he's a narc. But I don't believe in judging by a label and always supported their relation because they truly love one another (no doubt).

I am finding this forum a help. There are no other poly people near me AFAIK. I do talk with a few friends who don't judge, which is super. But here I get insights that are extremely helpful to me.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad you are finding the forum helpful. I hope you get feeling better soon, breakups are never easy.

 

[AndrewS29]

You know, sometimes i do really get these thoughts but mostly at the beginning, later on it is ok.