I just need like…. Like minded people? I think.

SweetSavage

New member
Hi, I’m Sav I’m 29 and I’m fucking lost.
I don’t even know where to start with this soooo let’s just jump in head first I guess. I have been with the same person for 5 amazing years. I love her with every fiber of my being.
I have just recently come to terms with the fact that I am a non monogamous person. (That was an entirely different monster to address) my girlfriend is a very monogamous person and I love that for her, but I fucking hate it for me. She was easy enough to talk to about everything when I was ready to open up about how I was feeling. However there is literally no progress being made on either end of the subject. We’re stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place because she now knows that I crave attention from someone other than herself and I know that she knows….. and now we’re just sitting here knowing. Our relationship is awkward. Not all the time because we’re best friends and it’s hard to keep us down but I can feel it driving a wedge between us. Please send reinforcements.
With love, Sav.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for ariing out.

However there is literally no progress being made on either end of the subject.

What progress is it that you want to make? What do you want to have happen? You don't actually say.

Which type of person is she? A #1 or a #2?

Which type of person are you? A #3 or a #4?
  1. monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  2. monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  3. polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  4. polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)

Because I think people in the same "category" can date each other ok. Maybe even date someone from the category next to them. But a #1 and a #4 want totally opposite things. And if that's where the people are?I think it is best to accept it, part ways, and try to be exes and friends or just plain exes.

So... where does each of you land?

Galagirl
 

Marcus

Well-known member
However there is literally no progress being made on either end of the subject.

What is your expectation of what this progress looks like? Is there an action you discussed her taking that she hasn't yet taken?

We’re stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place because she now knows that I crave attention from someone other than herself and I know that she knows….. and now we’re just sitting here knowing.

Have you expressed to her clearly what your intentions are? It sounds like you might be kind of leaving it up to her at the moment.

Do you know what your intentions are with regard to seeking outside relationships?

Part of what may be holding this up is that it is so theoretical. She may be thinking "well I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this new information". Work through GalaGirl's questions to help get yourself into a place of self-understanding, then come to an understanding about what you want (as in, what actions you are going to take), and then let her know.

I would avoid just letting this sit for too long. That wedge you are feeling isn't likely to go away with silence, but just wedge deeper.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Sav,

It sounds like you and your girlfriend need to sit down and have a, "what next," conversation. You need to decide whether you can live a monogamous life, knowing what you now know about yourself. Your girlfriend needs to decide whether she can consent to you living a polyamorous life. If the two of you have needs/desires that are mutually exclusive, you may have to then talk about breaking up. I know, that's probably not what you wanted to hear. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Top