I Know I'm Being Irrational

T

Threeheartsonebed

New member
Back story: I am part of a triad with my husband and girlfriend

Issue: I have this irrational belief that my value in sex is being able to make them cum. If I can't make them cum, I have failed. I cannot remember the last time I made my husband cum when all three of us are having sex. he seems to always finish with her. He will be having sex with me, then switch to her and finish. After so many times of this happening, I'm starting to take it personal.

I tried to nonchalantly get him to cum with me last night. I was sexting him all day building up anticipation, then during sex I would moan in his ear that I wanted to make him cum. This was my way of telling him what I wanted without telling him he is doing anything wrong. it didn't work.

I don't want to have this conversation with him because sex is supposed to be fluid and natural. If he is having to think about who needs what so it's even and fair, then it takes away from the moment.

So I guess what I asking is how do I get past this?
 
Threeheartsonebed said:
He will be having sex with me, then switch to her and finish. After so many times of this happening, I'm starting to take it personal.
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Have sex with him, just the two of you?
 
Hi.. I am in a triad with my husband and my BFF... I can relate..My issue was that my husband was always having sex with her first and than me.. Made me feel like I was always second choice.. I spoke to him outside the bedroom and told him that he needed to have sex with me first sometimes...and that is exactly what he did after I spoke to him...I am always very direct with my husband and also our girlfriend when it comes to sex..Nobody seems to mind and it solves a lot of issues..

I have always read that conversation about sex should happen outside the bedroom so that has been my approach and it has worked. Although if I feel extremely uncomfortable with something going on in the bedroom I will speak up during sex or it is very upsetting and can't wait.. that has gone over okay too..

Good luck..i would communicate with both partners about this.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I think you could work to change your belief since you already recognize it as being irrational belief. What do you need to be able to discard it rather than keep on servicing it?

  • You could simply ask for what you want directly.
  • You could also stop "using" sex to prove your value and start "sharing" sex instead.

Right now you seem to frame sex as "The goal of sex is orgasm so I can prove my value." Prove it to WHO? I would suggest you consider that you already have inherent worth, value and dignity. It doesn't need proving.

So maybe it is a different need than "value." If you were going to circle some off this list, what would it be? Inclusion? Appreciation? Something else? I might guess wrong, but to me you sound bored and/or left out during triad sex.

I do not say "get laid" or "have sex" like "get some burgers" or "have some fries." Nobody is entitled to have sex with me. I have to consent. I choose who I am willing to share sex with or not. If they too are willing to share sex with me, then we can choose to share it together.

I call it "sex share." Like "share a kiss" or "share a hug." We "share sex." To me? The goal of "sex share" with someone is simply to share some sexual pleasure/activities together and enjoy being together. If we orgasm, great. Call it a bonus. If not, still great. Still sharing an experience.

There have been times in my life where I had a hard time reaching orgasm. Illness times, pregnancy, perimenopause wackies. I would find it distasteful if the person I was sharing sex with was making it all about them and their issues. Pumping or rubbing me raw just to get me to cum for their satisfaction? That's not sharing anything with me. That's using me. Yuck.

If they are coming to it with the idea of "I have to make you come so I can prove my value to myself!" then it isn't being a thoughtful lover and it isn't taking my preferences into account.

What if I don't WANT to cum? Sometimes I like getting lose and just sitting on the edge there.

Or what if I have trouble reaching orgasm right now? I'm supposed to just sit there taking it? Where am I in this picture? I cease to be a person here. I become an object. There is no sex share. Sex is being foisted upon me. And that's not right. My body is not to be used as the punching bag for them to workout their inner demons on. My body is not the thermometer for them feeling good about themselves or not feeling good about themselves.

I don't want to have this conversation with him because sex is supposed to be fluid and natural.
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What's "natural" about you hiding things? Rather speaking up and saying "That looks fun. Could you be willing to share some of that with me too?"

If you come with an attitude of "sex share" could it make it easier for you to learn to speak up before, during, and after sex?

  • BEFORE: "The last few times we've shared sex, it was start with me and end with Jane. Can we share it a different way this time? How about...."
  • DURING: "I need to change. I have a leg cramp like this. How about we share X for a while? Maybe we can come back to this later."
  • AFTER: "X was great. Let's do more of that next time! That part with the Y? That kinda hurt. I didn't like that. Glad we tried it, but it's not a repeat for me."

If he is having to think about who needs what so it's even and fair, then it takes away from the moment.
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I thought communicating your own preferences and then remembering the other people's preferences was part of helping to CREATE the moment. If three people are going to share group sex, is it natural for people to speak up and say what they would like to get from the experience? What they do not want to get? How does communicating take away from the moment? Could you be willing to clarify?

If you want to let go of the irrational belief you could stop valuing orgasm. Could start valuing more sharing. I think that's really the problem is here.

he seems to always finish with her. He will be having sex with me, then switch to her and finish. After so many times of this happening, I'm starting to take it personal.
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You want him to finish with you sometimes. Share the role. Not alway you first, and then her. Fair enough. Sounds like the triad sex has fallen into a rut, and it isn't doing it for you any more. You want to mix it up some. Since people cannot be mind readers? Speak up about it.

See if that helps.

I assume you still want to be sharing group sex. If you don't? Stop sharing group sex. But you will still have to start communicating what you want out of sex share more. Even if you are sharing it in a duo rather than a trio.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Hi Threeheartsonebed,

I know this is not what you feel or believe, but I believe sex should be talked about. The fluid and natural part comes after practice and communication. I suggest you tell your husband you need him to switch it up sometimes, start with your girlfriend and finish with you. I can't think of any good reason for him to say no, but if he has such a reason, maybe he could at least explain it to you.

I don't know how you can just continue to go along with how things have been going, and not feel bad about it. He is consistently doing something that makes you feel left out. That fact alone will surely haunt you. I'm assuming he's not doing it on purpose, that he's unaware of how it's making you feel ... which is why I suggest you talk to him about it. Don't resign yourself to a repeated state of disappointment.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi

Sounds like a horrible thing to be feeling. Do you think it would be easier to talk to him one on one about this? The alternative is to continue to live like this for a long time. That doesn't sound healthy. Secretly, I think we all just wish he'd see the imbalance and do something to fix it, but it's sometimes hard to read our lovers and he might be having a hard time reading why you're hurt and may never come to the right conclusion without you bringing it up first.

Good luck.
 
Yes, as GalaGirlsays, by all means TELL HIM. Or maybe even THEM.

Of my first few lovers, most were not shy about telling me it pleased them to make me orgasm, & when this was particularly so.

Expecting someone to be able to magically read your mind is a symptom of passive aggression.
 
I looked at your intro thread. You and your h have been with gf 10 months. We don't know how your triad came about, we don't know if it's your first triad or V.

You said you're "proud" to be in a triad. Not sure why you're proud.

Now, 10 months in (and already cohabiting) this problem crops up. Has it been happening recently? Was it always this way, cumming inside gf and not in your vagina or mouth or hand or whatever?

I've had very little experience with threesome or foursome sex. Maybe 10 or 12 times in my life? Less than 20 actual experiences, let's say. I've done it with a variety of partners, with 3 Fs, or MFM, FMF, FFMF.

To be honest, my best experiences were when I was the center of attention. Whether the partners were MF or FF or MM, it seemed easier and more fun for me to not "compete" with another woman who needed special sexual attention.

I've been in FMF threesomes where the male started working on me, got me close, and then suddenly and rudely switched attention to the other person, ruining my orgasm and causing extreme frustration.

I've even been in a threesome where my lover and I had a new woman in the mix, and he spent so much time on her... even when she and I requested he fuck me, he went soft for me, and couldn't seem to wait to get back to her!

Both guys were made aware of these difficulties, which were either pure lack of social skill, or NRE making them focus on the other woman, to my detriment. But despite their apologies and/or fresh attempts to not repeat their mistakes, it kinda killed my interest in FMF threesomes.

More recently I was in a MFM with a straight guy and a bi guy, no action between them, all focus on me, and it was wonderful! I felt so cared for.

Anyway, if this is your first time being into threesomes, my point is, it takes finesse, the right attitudes, the right amount of drive towards each partner, clear open communication, excellent care on the part of all parties to make sure everyone's needs are met, etc., etc.

If it's not fun for you, learn to speak up, using tact. If talking and trying new attitudes isn't working, after a period of experimentation with good will on all sides, maybe threesome sex is just not gonna work. You can still have a triad without group sex!
 
Thank You

Thank you everyone for your responses! I am sorry for taking so long to express my gratitude. You all were genuinely interested in helping and I really appreciate it!

-K
 
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