I like thinking out things far in advance

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Noyse

Member
Ya'll might remember me from my last thread which was me worrying about something, by jumping the gun before anything even happened. Well I'm at it again, so you've been warned.

Right now I have this really awesome group of about 10 poly friends I live near, and I've had this group since college which was several years ago now. In college I also had a small poly people on campus, where I met Mary. Mary was in a triad with James and Willow; there were also other people like Zoe, whom will come into play later.

A year after I befriended Mary she attempted suicide. As Mary has moved on from that she's lost most of her friends from before the attempt; her triad lasted about 6 months after the event. I should note that Mary and Willow were extremely co-dependent upon each other, this all happened several years ago, and these two just can't be friends without there being issues.

I've been disowned from my family for LGBT/poly reasons, so my friend group means alot to me.

I recently ran into Zoe from mine and Mary's old friend group, and when I mentioned it to Mary, she freaked. She says she doesn't think I should get involved with Zoe, she doesn't want to have anything to do with Zoe/doesn't want to hear me talk to her, and doesn't want her brought around our friend group. I tell I will respect her personal boundaries, but she doesn't get a say in my relationships with our other friends. When she learns that I'm not taking her word for law, she escalates with "Zoe is a friend to Willow, if I see Zoe, I might see Willow, that would make me suicidal, do you want to make me suicidal?" I talk Mary down, make sure she's safe, and once I know that I block her on pretty much every platform.

Mary had done a lot of upsetting things in the weeks before this like bullying a friend, and outing me, but this was the final straw for me. I'm not worried about causing drama in our social group, since it's large enough and I believe we both know how to act civil around each other; still, Mary was a major emotional support in my life, so I head over to okc.

On there I hit it off with this poly guy named Jim, as we're talking he mentions that is fiancee is named Willow. I connect the dots, and inform him that I just dropped Mary from my life. He's totally cool with that since the break up was a long time ago.

I just want to enjoy the nice little flirty vibes without realizing the drama this could cause if it got out that I'm talking to James.
 
If Mary is truly so unstable, I hope that she is regularly visiting a clinical setting, like at least once a week.

If Mary threatens suicide, even in a coercive "if - then" manner, then you should call 9-1-1. You might let her know that you will do so the next time -- a logical consequence, in the Dreikurs sense -- & then she can choose whether to use that again to manipulate you, & whether she wishes to remain a "friend" of yours.
 
Ravenscroft said:
If Mary is truly so unstable, I hope that she is regularly visiting a clinical setting, like at least once a week.

If Mary threatens suicide, even in a coercive "if - then" manner, then you should call 9-1-1. You might let her know that you will do so the next time -- a logical consequence, in the Dreikurs sense -- & then she can choose whether to use that again to manipulate you, & whether she wishes to remain a "friend" of yours.
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She is, although she recently had to find a new therapist, so I know that was stressful. Police brutality is something my social group is very aware of, and Mary has several markers that would make her more susceptible to it. I'm not going to but anyone's life at risk unless I believe their life was at risk. Still her mental state isn't my responsibility, and I know my friends will have my back for taking this step back to protect my own mental state.
 
Hi Noyse,

It sounds like Mary is quite a problem, so sorry you are dealing with that. I know she has been your friend in the past, but when she is threatening suicide to stop you from doing something, you have to block her, and move on. I'm sure Jim would understand, he knows Mary from the past, so he knows how she can be. I hope you can work this situation out without having more drama.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Let me repeat back what I got in my own words to make sure I get it right, ok?
You correct me if I miss anything. I quote just to visually block it off.

I met this poly guy on OKC named Jim. His fiancee is Willow. I just want to enjoy flirting without drama. Now I'm worried. Here is why:

He used to date this woman, Mary, in a triad that was him, Willow and Mary. They broke up romantically a long time ago. Mary and Willow def do not get along.

I just broke up with Mary as a friend. I knew she had a thing with a James, but I just realized that Jim is THAT James when I heard the fiancee's name is Willow. I'm worried that once Mary hears that I'm interested in Jim, she will cause drama for me.


Mary had done a lot of upsetting things in the weeks before this like bullying a friend, outing me, and most recently having a fit and telling me I cannot be friends with Zoe because Zoe is friends with Willow.

I told her I would respect her personal boundaries and not bring Zoe around her, but she doesn't get a say in my relationships with my other friends. When she learned that I'm not taking her word for law, Mary escalated into a fit and said if I continue to be friends with Zoe, she will go suicidal.

I calmed her down and made sure she was safe. Then I severed ties with her because I'm tired of all this.
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If that's where this is at?

I think you did the right thing. You terminated a friendship with someone who has behaviors you don't care for -- bullying friends, outing you, having a fit, threatening suicide, etc.

If she threatens that again, don't talk to her. Call 911 or her next of kin and let them handle it. Walk away.

I have a boundary that I do not hang around unmanaged people. I have to look out for my Alzheimer Dad. He takes up my whole quota. I have no more space in my life for anyone with mental health issues that goes unmanaged. I don't think they are bad people -- I just don't have the energy for unmanaged patients. I want my time away from my parents to be relaxing, not another load. YKWIM?

So if Mary is umanaged or not doing her treatment plan, doesn't have a suicide management plan in place, acts out by bullying you, outing you and now threatening you with suicide gestures to get her way? Not all patients are "nice patients."

I think you did the right thing in severing ties. You have to take care of you first so your own health doesn't go downhill.

Go ahead and see Jim if you feel like it. Don't tell Mary. It's not like you have to tell her and you aren't hanging around with her anyway.

What's the drama you are afraid she will do? She's already been losing friends due to her unmanaged behavior. If she continues to act out at people, she will continue to have other friends break ties. That is not your doing.

If she pulls another suicidal gesture, call 911 or next of kin. I've had to do that 3 times.

The first time? I called next of kin, they called professional. They handled it. The patient got all mad at me for calling, but I didn't care. Later the patient apologized to me for acting out. I forgave them. I continued to be friends because now they were under management. Slips ups can happen, so I can overlook them if they are under management.

The second time? I said I was going to call next of kin or 911. The person stopped bugging me with their drama because they know I mean business. They sought easier people to manipulate and continue to do so. I stay away from them.

The third time? (Same person as #1) I called next of kin, they called professional. The patient got all mad at me for calling. Again. I asked them since they already knew what I would do from the first time, what did they think I would do different? This time the patient did not maintain treatment so I severed ties.

The fourth time? I called 911. The professionals handled it.

Basically solved it for ME all four times with 3 different people. So don't be afraid to call 911 if Mary has a fit and starts talking suicide if you bump into her on the street. If you don't want to do that, call her next of kin and inform them of what's happening and let them deal with Mary.

Because...

Still her mental state isn't my responsibility, and I know my friends will have my back for taking this step back to protect my own mental state.
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You are correct there. It is not your job or responsibility to deal with Mary.

If you've blocked her already on all your things like email, phone, text, social media, etc?

Just live your own life as usual.

You have not started anything with Jim yet, so if you want to skip it, skip it. If you want to explore it, explore it.

But live your life as usual.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, you got everything. If I were run into Mary she'll just ignore me.

Since this post I've talked to my dearest friend (Hope) who also knows Mary (I was reluctant to tell this friend for fear of putting her in the middle of our spat) and Mary had already told Hope her side of the story. Hope told her to respect my boundaries, and totally has my back in this situation.

I also have my first date with Jim this week. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
If Mary will ignore you if you bump into her? That's solved then.

Hope your date goes well. :)

Galagirl
 
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