Mister Polywog
New member
TL;DR
My high school sweetheart of a wife’s serious extramarital relationship is ending, so she wants to close our 3-year open marriage. I’ve found someone I care about deeply and don’t want to lose them. Bigger than this, polyamory is something I now fully prescribe to and believe in. I don’t want to return to monogamy. She is quite staunch in her stance, but I feel like the bad guy for wanting the life I want. I love her, and she is my absolute best friend and quite a catch, but I do not feel like I am living my fullest life. She knows how I feel, and is worried she will lose me, but is sure of how she feels. Is my brain right in telling me that the kind and good thing to do is to end the marriage, rather than build resentment or live a lie?
CONTEXT
My open marriage was founded on a lie. My wife fell in love (a 3-month “emotional affair”), and was hoping to convince me to open the marriage and she could pretend she met the guy after we did so. I discovered the truth, but we talked through it, and decided to open the marriage. “Well, it sounds like you opened the marriage to solve existing problems!” Oh dear reader, I know this now, and we’ll come back to that.
Three years later, and our experiences have been vastly different. She has fallen in love twice and has been in two serious (nonconcurrent) relationships outside of ours. Any time she wanted to adjust a rule or try something new with them, I adjusted the part of my brain that made me uncomfortable, and everything became easier to accept. Adjusting to these things has made me more and more prescribed to polyamory. I’ve dated around, but it’s always been difficult because her jealousy has a very strong grip on her. Dating always felt like I was doing something bad. It’s not for lack of her efforts, but after three years, she’s just getting comfortable with overnight stays (meanwhile she’s on vacations, going to sex parties with her partner, and living with him part-time).
Which brings us to today. Her other relationship is ending, and she wants to close the marriage. Meanwhile, I’m JUST finding someone who I truly care about (maybe even love). The part-time living situation has also given me a lust for the independent life, and soly poly is calling my name. Now, I know that closing the marriage means revisiting those problems that already existed, and were never directly addressed. But I’d be doing so while also wanting something else with my life, and trying to manage the resentment already built up from how the open marriage was conducted. I feel like this isn’t fair to my wife, or to myself. She is my best friend, and I love her to pieces. But Is my brain right in telling me that the kind and good thing to do is to end the marriage, rather than build resentment or live a lie?
My high school sweetheart of a wife’s serious extramarital relationship is ending, so she wants to close our 3-year open marriage. I’ve found someone I care about deeply and don’t want to lose them. Bigger than this, polyamory is something I now fully prescribe to and believe in. I don’t want to return to monogamy. She is quite staunch in her stance, but I feel like the bad guy for wanting the life I want. I love her, and she is my absolute best friend and quite a catch, but I do not feel like I am living my fullest life. She knows how I feel, and is worried she will lose me, but is sure of how she feels. Is my brain right in telling me that the kind and good thing to do is to end the marriage, rather than build resentment or live a lie?
CONTEXT
My open marriage was founded on a lie. My wife fell in love (a 3-month “emotional affair”), and was hoping to convince me to open the marriage and she could pretend she met the guy after we did so. I discovered the truth, but we talked through it, and decided to open the marriage. “Well, it sounds like you opened the marriage to solve existing problems!” Oh dear reader, I know this now, and we’ll come back to that.
Three years later, and our experiences have been vastly different. She has fallen in love twice and has been in two serious (nonconcurrent) relationships outside of ours. Any time she wanted to adjust a rule or try something new with them, I adjusted the part of my brain that made me uncomfortable, and everything became easier to accept. Adjusting to these things has made me more and more prescribed to polyamory. I’ve dated around, but it’s always been difficult because her jealousy has a very strong grip on her. Dating always felt like I was doing something bad. It’s not for lack of her efforts, but after three years, she’s just getting comfortable with overnight stays (meanwhile she’s on vacations, going to sex parties with her partner, and living with him part-time).
Which brings us to today. Her other relationship is ending, and she wants to close the marriage. Meanwhile, I’m JUST finding someone who I truly care about (maybe even love). The part-time living situation has also given me a lust for the independent life, and soly poly is calling my name. Now, I know that closing the marriage means revisiting those problems that already existed, and were never directly addressed. But I’d be doing so while also wanting something else with my life, and trying to manage the resentment already built up from how the open marriage was conducted. I feel like this isn’t fair to my wife, or to myself. She is my best friend, and I love her to pieces. But Is my brain right in telling me that the kind and good thing to do is to end the marriage, rather than build resentment or live a lie?