I need advice

[Gigglesxxx]

Hi, I am new here. Me and my fiance have been together for 2 years. A few months ago, he said want to do a open relationship, which I was very hesitant to do at first. But we talked about it, set boundaries and rules.

He's not done much, but in the last month he been sleeping with this girl who we will call C. She seems lovely, but I have no interest in her in any way, not even being pals with her.

Currently I'm having a hard time with my depression and anxiety, which hasn't helped my mind in this new situation. We agreed that he could have friends with benefits. I'm not conformable with him having relationships with other people. He agreed right away, said it wouldn't happen. But now she likes him, and he likes her. He has start talking about doing a threeway relationship, where we all date, or he dates her and me.

Right now, I am not comfortable with that. I really don't like the idea of it. But we have discussed it and he has told me to keep a open mind on it and he will wait as long as I need. But I genuinely don't think I will ever be comfortable with that kind of relationship. I have shared this concern with him, but he has told me just to keep a open mind on it.

I just don't know what to do. I need advice on this. While this is all going on I haven't slept or kissed or anything with anyone else because I have no interest in this. But I want to be with him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Gigglesxxx,
It seems to me that you have three options:

• You and your partner break up, leaving you both unhappy.
• You stay together and stay monogamous, leaving him unhappy.
• You stay together and embrace polyamory, leaving you unhappy.

I am not thrilled with any of those options, but I can't think of any middle ground. How do you partially embrace polyamory? and if you could, would that leave both of you unhappy? I'm sorry you are caught in this dilemma. Think carefully about which option you'll do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MoPoly]

IMO it’s not realistic to ‘set rules’ about having sex with others but not having relationships with them, as people get feelings. That’s what oxytocin does. And when those first feelings hit and NRE sets in, it’s very difficult to get your partner to back down.

Perhaps the following thoughts might help you untangle your feelings now:

You do not have to agree with a relationship structure that you are unhappy in. You can make your needs known. If they can’t be met, you can chose to end the relationship.

If you’re okay with C and him, but want to keep it distant, you could accept parallel poly. You don’t have to be friends with/hang out with/have sex with your meta just because he’s feeling loved up. It’s perfectly okay to say you do your thing, but keep it separate, and I’ll keep my lovers separate. (Make sure the rule is also established for you too, even though you don’t have a lover now, or want one now.)

Tell him it’s nothing to do with an ‘open mind.' You have already had an open mind and agreed for him to have another partner. You’ve thought about it and don’t want to have C as a friend or partner. Be clear about what you need (e.g., time with him, date nights, periods of texting silence, not oversharing, etc.). It’s now up to him to be a good hinge if he wants both relationships to work. Ask if he has read about what it takes to be a good hinge. Ask him to manage his NRE with sensitivity. Don’t be pushed into agreeing to things you’re not comfortable with doing because you ‘don’t have an open mind’ - that’s just gaslighting.

Best of luck.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello,
this is a tough spot to be where your partner has decided that they want to live poly while you prefer monogamy. I'm afraid there's no easy resolution, and often the most loving thing is to part ways.
However, sometimes people who initially had no interest but eventually came around to polyamory themselves - after much work on their belief systems.

May I kindly suggest to put whatever treatment or self-help you can for depression and anxiety first right now? You will have to make a tough decision, but you should feel comfortable being yourself while making it, so it would be best if you could detach from the situation a bit and get more stable.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I am new here. Me and my fiance have been together for 2 years. A few months ago, he said want to do a open relationship, which I was very hesitant to do at first.

So you two got engaged, and you believed it was a conventional monoamorous arrangement (2-person love relationship) which would result in monogamy (two people married, no other partners).

But your fiance was honest with you, as far as he could be, and recently said he wanted to have sex with others. You two agreed he could do that, as long as he didn't get fond of anyone, or, heaven forbid, fall in love, because you felt very "hesitant."

But we talked about it, set boundaries and rules.

He's not done much, but in the last month he been sleeping with this girl who we will call C. She seems lovely, but I have no interest in her in any way, not even being pals with her.

Currently I'm having a hard time with my depression and anxiety, which hasn't helped my mind in this new situation. We agreed that he could have friends with benefits. I'm not conformable with him having relationships with other people. He agreed right away, said it wouldn't happen. But now she likes him, and he likes her.

It is completely natural to fall in love with someone if there is friendship, compatibility, and at least decent sex. (If you're asexual there needn't be sex, but that's besides the point.)

You two made the mistake of agreeing that you'd be like swingers and be able to have sex and friendship, but not have it turn to "liking" each other in a romantic sense. Unfortunately, the popularity of swinging has made mainstream people think this is easy.

It can come naturally to some people to just fuck and run. But most people (except for some immature people, who are selfish, and just want a body to masturbate into) have to "like" someone to even have sex in the first place. I am generalizing, but this is the usual way.

You two thought you could set "rules" to not fall in love. But feelings don't abide by rules. And now, it's up to actions. You want to be monogamous, yourself. You want him to be mono, or at least, merely polysexual. But if he still loves you, and is also falling in love with the new woman, you and he are not compatible. I'm sorry. This must hurt A LOT!!!

He has start talking about doing a threeway relationship, where we all date, or he dates her and me. Right now, I am not comfortable with that. I really don't like the idea of it. But we have discussed it and he has told me to keep a open mind on it and he will wait as long as I need.

You don't have to be friends with or have sex with anyone you don't want to. It's not a matter of "waiting." She is not your type. And maybe you just want him, no other women, no other men, and you want a partner who only wants you, body and soul.

But I genuinely don't think I will ever be comfortable with that kind of relationship. I have shared this concern with him, but he has told me just to keep a open mind on it.

He can "tell you things," but he also needs to listen when you say "No, I am not interested in this kind of relationship, and I don't even want to consider it, or have a husband who is into it."

I just don't know what to do. I need advice on this. While this is all going on I haven't slept or kissed or anything with anyone else because I have no interest in this. But I want to be with him.

But he's not monogamous. So, you've got some hard choices to make to be true to yourself.

If you were already struggling with anxiety and depression, this parting of ways and desires must be making it much worse. Are you getting treatment?