I need help, I'm a mono dude considering entering a poly relationship

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SolidusSnake420

New member
I've been seeing this poly girl for 10 months now. She is interested in other people, duh. I'm considering doing the poly thing but I'm not sure how that'd work/how to get over any amount of jealousy.
furthermore I don't know how to deal with the other poly dude, he is super jealous of me, which it is my understanding that polyamory doesn't work like that. As in he was crying the other night because she was asleep on the couch with me even though she sleeps with him nightly. Tells her to break up with me and stuff like that.
I just need help trying to understand what I have to do on this situation.
Thank you for helping if you do.

My email is [email protected] if you could email me it'd work a lot better for me than this forum.
 
I am sorry you struggle. This sounds like two problems.

Problem 1

If you are a dude who is

  • monoamorous (love only 1 sweetie)
  • poly friendly (don't have to be in a 1:1 monogamous relationship shape... ok in a "V" situation)

Why are you thinking about poly dating? Are you not happy with the sweetie you have? Or are you not sure you are monoamorous?

Problem 2

Sounds like you are uncomfortable watching him suffering.

As in he was crying the other night because she was asleep on the couch with me even though she sleeps with him nightly. Tells her to break up with me and stuff like that.
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And he does not want to be there at all. How does this reflect on the hinge -- who is supposed to be there for her partners? Is She avoiding dealing with either of you?

Do you all live together? If not? If you don't like watching him cry, don't go over there. Encourage her to sort her problems on that side of the V.

If he really does not want to be in a polyship, and he's choosing to go along with it just to avoid breaking up with her? He's not keeping his own well being foremost in mind.

If you observe he is hurting himself this way? AND you observe her avoiding dealing with this? That is two conflict avoiders then. You could put the brakes on the poly bus. You could address the problem. Deal with it.

You could tell her to sort it out with him before she sees you again. Give her time to sort it out, but sort it out once and for all. Because you are not up for a weird date night again.

When she sees one of her partners hurting themselves this way and she chooses to ignore it/avoid dealing with it? That is not doing loving behavior. It doesn't cast her in a good light. She could end his suffering by breaking up with him and set him free so he can move on to healing. She's willing for it to drag on and on. That's kinda mean.

Why do you date someone who does mean stuff like this? :(

I just need help trying to understand what I have to do on this situation.
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I suggest you tell her to stop avoiding dealing with it. She could break up with him so his suffering can stop and he can move on to healing. It's mean to keep him on the string when he's not happy to be there. You also feel uncomfortable watching him suffer. And you don't want to be in a V where one person is deeply unhappy (him) and one is unhappy. (you)

That's no fun for you.

Galagirl
 
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I'm in love with the girl I'm seeing, she just happens to be in love with both of us and lives with him currently, they had planned on being roommates before all of this.

I want to do it because I don't want to lose her/hurt her, a world without her terrifies me.

And we have been trying to come up with a solution, his idea is time apart for her and i, which we did for 3 weeks of this month and we were both miserable for all of that time. Or his solution is for her to break up with me.
I have never said a word about any of that. So it's not an avoidance, we just can't come up with anything.
 
I want to do it because I don't want to lose her/hurt her, a world without her terrifies me.
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Are you saying you do not want to be in a V either? You just do it because that's how you get to date her?

I get that it is hard to feel. But the actions are still simple.

This situation is coming to a head and nobody wants to talk about breaking up. Avoiding that conversation.

This 3 people thing is not working for all 3. And it sounds like it has been a while.

  • He is not happy about it.
  • You don't sound happy about it.
  • She's avoiding making a choice between you. She cannot keep both because both are not happy to be here. Or she's enjoying the ego trip having both of you on the string watching you guys suffering. (<-- I would prefer to think as kindly of her as possible, so I'm going with maybe she means well but she's avoiding dealing with it. Which is not helping anyone, not even her.)

This is no longer a healthy choice. I grey it out.

  • 3 together.


This is also not a healthy choice. I grey it out.


  • Do nothing. Keep letting it drag on, with people suffering in the meanwhile. Until one of you pops.

The remaining choices that I see are...
  • (you + her) - him
  • (him + her) - you
  • all three single

Which is it to be? I think you guys could have that conversation and sort it out even if it FEELS hard to do.

What could YOU do? From your POV?

1) Tell her you feel uncomfortable here. Ask her if she plans to cut him or you lose? What does she lean toward if she cannot have 2?

  • (you + her) - him. If she's planning to cut him loose --- give her space to do that. Don't go on another date with her till that's sorted out. Then you can heal and move on with her.
  • (him + her) - you. If she's planning on cutting you loose -- stinks. But could sort it out. Then you can heal and move on.
  • All single. She ends it with both. Then you can heal and move on.

2) Rather than wait on her to make her choices? You could make yours first instead. You just cut yourself loose because you don't like it here. Tell her you are bowing out because its not working out. And you love her and all, but you have to love YOU most of all. You keeping you in this unhealthy sounding trio dynamic is not awesome for you. Then you can heal and move on.​

Could lean INTO this problem and get it solved one way or another. Not lean away from it avoiding having hard conversations because nobody wants to be having them.

When all choices stink, pick the least stinky.

I see bowing out as stinky, but less stinky that continuing to try to fly a kite that just does not fly. Stinkage with an end point is better to me than never ending stink. Some choices in life are like that. Not "win or lose" but "which stinks less?"

I'm sorry I cannot think of anything else. I can see this is not fun for you. :(

Galagirl
 
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A "V" is a 3 person relationship shape. She is the hinge point in the middle -- the shared sweetie. You and he are the "V arm" people on the sides.

Galagirl
 
I see that you want to feel better. I hope you are able to make a healthy decision for how you want to handle it even when all the choices on the table right now are unappealing.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry you're having such a crappy time. As well as basically all of Gala Girl's advice, I would read More Than Two, and then do some cost-benefit analysis and some really serious soul-searching and discussion with your love.

If your metamour (the other guy she is dating) is making your life hell, it might not be that you have a problem being monogamous and dating a poly woman. It might be that you have a hinge problem (your love is the hinge in your V relationship of you-her-him) or a metamour problem. But you can only figure that out, and what to do about it, if you examine your feelings and problems honestly. A book like More Than Two (or others - there are others, that's just my favorite) is going to help you do the self-examining thing and give you the vocabulary to talk about your feelings.

There is also a resources area here and looking through that might help. Wishing you good luck!
 
Greetings SolidusSnake420,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):
"I'm considering doing the poly thing but I'm not sure how that'd work/how to get over any amount of jealousy."
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I have a few links that might help you manage your own jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I don't know how to deal with the other "poly" dude. I don't think he is poly. His jealousy is way out of control.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
You don't want to lose her. He doesn't want to lose her. She doesn't want to lose either of you, but doesn't know how to resolve this. It sounds to me like the primary reason each of you have for holding on to this relationship is the fear of losing it. Fear of anything is never a good foundation for any type of relationship.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to figure out what your genuine needs are and talk to her about it. Start that conversation. If your primary need is relief from fear of loss then you will not be happy in this relationship (or any other) because no relationship can give you that. Relationships are not designed to give you that. That is only something you can give yourself as an individual.

Giving her the responsibility to relieve your fear of loss will create stress for her, and erode any closeness you have with her. What is at the core of your fear of loss? Think about what is going on inside of you that fuels that fear.
 
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