I need help, this isn't natural to me

V

VegiBunny

New member
I have been for two years in a relationship, a few weeks from marriage, and mere months from delivering twins to a man whose last marriage was polyamores and he rather insists on this one being so as well.

He wants this to be an open relationship, daily references to wanting to go to swing parties, polyamoures walks, me picking up girls for us and he knows I will, to placate him. I want very much to make him happy, but remain uncomfortable with all of it. We started together with me cheating on an abusive marriage, so I can't say the idea was always foreign for me. But I didn't truly seek relationships plural, I sought just one fulfilling relationship where I felt loved.

So I suppose I need to change how I see relationships entirely and that is why I am here. I want to be ok with this, and not get emotional on occasions and cry about it. It helps no one and I realize that if you love someone you let them express themselves fully.

So I've searched my heart, where is the trouble on my side? One I don't want to fuck strangers, swing partys where anyone meets anyone and gets on- seems worse than intimidating to me, and I feel intimated by even acquaintances until after several times being around them casually, my defenses usually keep even friends far away and not touching me, where even a casual touch feels invasive. I am a private woman and have had few friends and don't want contact with strangers. I had issues of sexual abuse as a child, adolescent, and adult- and continue to have trouble with this issue above any.

Second, yes are the normal fears of sharing what you love. What if he loves someone else more and abandons me. I saw a picture of him almost 2 years ago, with a former polyfriend and can still bring it back into my head in detail. As well as the ones of he and his ex-wife. This is ridiculous on my part and I know it. I've read about this presented as a starvation mind set, that love has not always been ample in your life and you can feel that it is a limited asset, that if someone else has it, you don't. I can agree that it is what is taking place, I competed for love growing up had little in my 12 year from teenage-hood(16) marriage, and I know that this approach lacks reason. Just knowing you are unreasonable doesn't make the emotions obsolete however.

So I guess that is my question. How do you become comfortable with behavior that you have severe phobias towards?
 
Polyamory is considered an ethical form of non-monogamy because it is based on full willingness and consent of all parties. If you are not comfortable with "any of it," as you say, and would even go so far as to pick up women for him only to placate him, well then, honey, that is sad - and definitely not willingness and consent!

If your sense of self-esteem is so low that you feel you must twist yourself into a pretzel and be someone you are not just to keep a man around, then I'd say you are not equipped for any relationship, poly or mono. Believe me, no one's company or approval is worth betraying yourself and living an inauthentic life. It would not be ethical for any one of us to advise you on how to bottle up and deny your own feelings and convictions just so you can pretend you're okay with something that clearly isn't for you!

I recommend getting into some good psychotherapy and stop seeing this user/dictator. Hon, he ain't worth sacrificing your integrity. Loving someone doesn't mean letting yourself be their doormat.
 
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I feel for you, but honestly, you really should have been more honest with yourself BEFORE having kids with this guy. You went into this knowing he was poly and had even had an active polyamorous relationship before you. Now you are miserable because of it.

The only thing I can suggest is that you defer to a mono/poly relationship; where you are mono and he is poly. Clearly, he is trying to involve you in his poly life, or he would not consider having you choose the women for him; he'd go off on his own. BUT-- regardless of his intentions, you need to be clear with him that you are NOT comfortable with this. If he is a good man, he'll understand and won't force you to go to sex parties or poly events (although I'd highly suggest you be a part of his poly social life). He may not realize you are this uncomfortable. Have you ever talked to him about it?

As far as the worrying about him leaving you, that is really a mono way of thinking. Poly wiring says, "I'm in love with this woman. If I fall in love with another, I don't have to leave my first lover. I can simply bring this new person into my life as well." If he's mono, as you fear, and will replace his love for you with someone else? Hard truth is people fall in love with other people and move on all the time-- in mono relationships. You can't stop people from falling in love with someone else. And believing he'll replace you is usually a self fulfilling prophecy. Best to just trust that he loves and cares for you.

Since you do have children with him, I would say, talk to him about all of this. Trying to force him into monogamy will likely only result in him cheating on you-- and maybe even leaving you. Trying to work with him might result in both of you being happy.

It's worth a shot, anyway.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

Let me repeat that back to you so you see how it sounds to me. Correct me if I am wrong, ok?

HE WANTS

  • He wants this to be an open relationship
  • He wants us to go swing parties
  • He wants us to go to polyamoures walks
    [*]He wants me to pick up girls for us -- for sex?
    [*]He expects me to do this to placate him -- even though I don't want to share casual sex with strangers or participate in group sex?

I WANT

  • I had issues of sexual abuse as a child, adolescent, and adult- and continue to have trouble with this issue above any
  • (implied) I want to be free from triggering situations
  • I am uncomfortable with all of these things he wants
  • I want one fulfilling relationship where I feel loved.
  • I want to be free of being super emotional and crying
  • I don't want to fuck strangers
  • I don't want to attend swing partys
  • I am a private woman and have had few friends and I want to be free of unnecessary contact with strangers.

I BELIEVE

  • I think it is my job to "make my partner" happy in a relationship(?)
  • I think that if I love someone I have to let them express themselves fully even if it hurts me (?)
  • I think that I have to give up my wants so I can continue to be with him(?)
  • I am not willing to think about ending things with him so he can have his wants and I can have my wants separate from each other(?)

Is that where this all is? :confused:

If so? I think it could be healthier for you to break up with this guy and seek counseling to help you process previous abuse, help you change some of your thinking habits, and learn healthier relating skills so when you ARE ready to date, you can do it more safely. Not set up a pattern of going from one messy rship to another.

Because this guy sounds like it was out of the frying pan and into the fire. Leaving the previous abusive husband for a whole other kind of mess. :(

No judgment here -- just hoping for BETTER for you.

You do NOT have to do uncomfortable things you do not want to do just to stay in a relationship. Please do NOT neglect yourself in order to keep the relationship. It is not self-respecting or self-honoring behavior to go against your own grain.

The bottom line here to me is still this:

  • I had issues of sexual abuse as a child, adolescent, and adult- and continue to have trouble with this issue above any
  • (implied) I want to be free from triggering situations
  • I am uncomfortable with all of these things he wants
  • I want one fulfilling relationship where I feel loved

To me it does not sound like you are likely to get what you want here. :(

You also deserve good treatment, and you deserve happiness in a relationship shape you like and can THRIVE in, not just barely survive in.

At best you are not compatible. But this is beyond that -- it's kinda creepy! You do NOT find girls for you and him for sex to "placate him." That is SO not your job! :eek: If that's the expectation, then this is not healthy sounding here. :(

Please be safe and seek better health even if it means dumping him. Let him worry about what he wants. You go for what YOU want best and take care of YOU.

You say you are a few weeks from marriage and you are expecting twins in a few months? Do you get alimony support from your ex husband? Would you lose it marrying this guy?

I can guess things are hard right now, but please take a time out and see someone to help you sort things out first. Could you talk to parents, a counselor, call local resources/services? Don't rush into marriage in a few weeks and create more ties to him that could be harder to break later. :(

Galagirl
 
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Oh my gosh honey, you are pregnant with twins! The last thing you and your bf should be thinking about right now is swing parties and you out hunting up other women for him to have a 3way with!

I am a firm advocate of the importance of the early years of a child's life. In this case, the only thing you two should be doing, aside from one or both of you earning a living, is to be preparing for those babies' arrival on the planet.

Are you a first time mom? Do you know how much work is entailed in parenting a newborn? Twins are more than twice as hard to care for as a singleton baby. Now is not the time for your bf to be having casual sex with others. He should be home massaging your feet and caring for you in every way. Your physical health is crucial, you are carrying 2 of his children. After they are born, when he gets home from work he will need to do dishes, cook meals, sweep, vacuum, soothe babies, change diapers and outfits, bathe the babies, help you with night feedings, help the babies get to doctor's appointments, go grocery shopping, walk the floor with one or 2 teething crying babies, etc etc.

Do you have any other help lined up? Twins are usually too much for one couple to manage alone. You will need help with meals, laundry, house cleaning. You might want a friend or neighbor to come over once or twice a week to hold a baby or two while you nap. Going through a twin pregnancy is tough on a woman and you will need lots of healing time.

Your babies also have a likelihood of being born early and needing special care. Also you are more likely to have a c-section and will need extra recovery time.

I don't care how polyamorous or polysexual he is. If he can't commit to a solid year, or two, of caring for his baby twins, he's not worth it as a partner.

I would highly recommend now is not the time for him to start a new relationship, or be out catting around with one night stands. And surely, you should not be having casual sex with others to placate him, ever, and especially on the eve of birthing twins.

Please seek psychological counseling to deal with your abuse issues.
 
Gala and Mags have it on lock. Listen to them. Nothing to add, except love and support!
 
I don't understand why you'd think that because HE does it YOU have to do it too. You don't have to sleep with anyone with him or for him. Don't even think of having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with for his benefit. How horrible.

Does he know you don't want to do this stuff and he coerces you anyway? Why would he want to make you act in ways you're uncomfortable with?

If you really want to be with this guy, if he is a good partner to you and a good father to your twins, despite the fact that you'd prefer a monogamous partner, then work on your jealousy, let him be what he is and you be what you are.
 
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