I dated briefly and very casually a man who I felt a good physical chemistry with. He wasn't very good at communication though, and we became friends out of it. It was odd in that we remained friends, but, while I was fond of him and enjoyed being around him, his lack of communication skills didn't really let me feel like I really knew him. Through this person, I met my husband. I'm going to call him Mark.
To my surprise, when Taylor and I became involved, Mark grew upset over it. He was very angry with us both for a few months. It was really bad for a bit, and to me, it came out of nowhere. I'd never expected Mark to be so bothered by it, because he is not the easiest person to get a read off of.
But we all had to be around each other so much, that he did grow to accept it. and a good, lasting friendship came from it. Honestly, I believe that if I had not become involved with my husband, Mark and I would not have the great familial friendship we have today. They would have; they are and were like brothers. But I don't think I would have ever gotten to know Mark to the level I do now.
We really enjoy how close the three of us are, as Mark is one of our handpicked family members. When he visits, it just feels like a return to normal, because prior to moving here we were all around each other so much. When the visit is over, there has always been talk of Mark moving here. He knows we would take him in, either till he got his own place or we all got a bigger place.
Well, after his last visit, the talk of moving became more than just talk. A month goes by and how I am made aware that the talk of moving is more than just talk is Mark brings the physical chemistry between us down off the shelf (I imagine it like a storage box of mementos that was packed away
) and asks me if I have interest in opening it. I'd be lying if I said its not intriguing to me.
I brought my husband into the loop. We sat down and discussed it. He is very reluctant. He remembers the tension between us all when we first got together. And the tension between he and Mark was much more extreme than between Mark and me. I really never knew till a couple years after the fact that they almost came to blows over it.
He is not open to the idea right now, and doesn't know if he ever will be. We both knew Mark before we knew each other, so there is this weird vibe of whose "territory" Mark really is. I know husband has known Mark longer than I have, but because I left my hometown, not many of our handpicked family is comprised of friends that I brought in. And my own blood family has shut me out entirely. I only came to accept poly due to this longing in me to have that close connection I lacked. As a monogamous person, I accepted limitations to how I expressed my feelings for my close friends/family. Now that I'm able to express myself in a more intimate way, it pains me to not be able to do so with people I already feel connected to and I struggle to make that connection with new people for the lack of familiarity.
I do understand my husband's concerns over Mark. The tension between us all back then was awful. But where I see we worked through it and have hope, and Mark says he has a different view on things now and really wishes he never handled it how he did back then, Taylr only sees potential problems. I respect his views, as I'm not without reservations either. And I've let Mark know that I will not act on these feelings without Taylor's consent and approval. What he dumped in my lap, I have dumped back on him to handle. A solid "don't convince me; convince HIM (T)" is my stance now.
The really sad aspect is that another of our handpicked family is a woman Taylor was really sprung on in his early adulthood. They have been nothing but platonic friends for 12 years now. She really is the female version for him that Mark is for me. I pointed that out. While he identifies with my feelings, this woman has never brought that "storage box" down off the shelf, and if she did, she is bi and it could be something we shared physically (ideally, although not assuredly). Because she has never brought it up, Taylor admits he would want to and enjoy the opportunity, but his attitude about it has changed. What was a hot topic for fantasy sex talk (having her in the mix), he now acts like he could care less about. I feel like he does this because he doesn't want to acknowledge what he is asking me to forgo with Mark. And all he focuses on now with the idea of him ever being able to be physical with her again has changed too. Now it's all about, "I'd never, if you were NOT involved," when that was not the case before.
Beyond that, I've told Mark his communication skills are for shit, and and even if all other lights were green, that would still become a problem. I directed him to this site, not just for what it might, one day, benefit me.
