I need some advice about my Triad

[LittleAndrea]

First of all, I want to apologize for my English, I'm Italian.

This is my first polyamorous experience.
In December 2016 I started to date a very nice girl, we fell in love and then she expressed the wish to create a triad. So, in January I started to date her boyfriend. They have been engaged for about seven years. I met them in July 2015, for five months I had a D/s relationship with him; at that time, I weren't on good terms with her (she was very jealous).

These are my doubts:

- if something in his behaviour makes me sad or angry, should I inform her?
- sometimes I would like to spend more time alone with him (I never go out alone with him, I spent only some hours alone with him when she was at work). I fear of hurting her.
- I'm very often sexually aroused. I know he would like to do BDSM at every single moment (my sexuality and his are closely linked to BDSM, we don't like very much vanilla sex), but this doesn't apply to her. I don't know what to do.
- when we are all together and he is speaking, he almost never looks at me. I feel invisible. He told me he doesn't want to make our girlfriend jealous. Should I talk to her?
- for the same reason, he kisses her more than me. When he kisses me, he always kisses our girlfriend too.
- when we are all together, I never take the initiative to kiss him. Should I feel free to do it?

They don't want a secondary partner, but sometimes I feel like I fade into the background.

 

[Magdlyn]

Can you clear up the dates? They don't seem to match up.

 

[PinkPig]

They don't want a secondary partner, but sometimes I feel like I fade into the background.

You feel that way because they are treating you like a secondary.

I say that because of these:

- when we are all together and he is speaking, he almost never looks at me. I feel invisible. He told me he doesn't want to make our girlfriend jealous.
- for the same reason, he kisses her more than me. When he kisses me, he always kisses our girlfriend too.

You say you were originally not on good terms with her when you were just in a D/s relationship with him because she's very jealous....I think her jealousy still applies here.

If you want to spend more time alone with him, have more sex with him, do more BDSM things with him, or go on dates alone with him, ask! If his behavior is making you upset, discuss it with him (not her, it's his behavior, you should discuss it with him.) If you're concerned about hurting her, then yes, discuss that with her....but, that still shouldn't prevent you from asking for what you want. Their answers to your questions and concerns will tell you where you stand with them, and whether you really are a secondary (or worse, just a play thing.) Are you afraid to ask for fear that it will cause problems and your relationship will end? If so, then that's even more reason to ask...you need to know where you stand in this relationship so that you can make an informed decision on whether you want to remain in it.

 

[PinkPig]

Can you clear up the dates? They don't seem to match up.

My understanding is that the OP was in a D/s relationship with the bf from July, 2015 to November/December? 2015, but did not have a relationship with the gf at that time. That ended and a year later, OP started dating just the gf...then this January, OP started dating the bf, too. I could be wrong but that's how I interpreted it.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

All my opinion here but I'm going to respond to each concern in blue.


- if something in his behaviour makes me sad or angry, should I inform her?
No. That is between you and him. In a triad, there are actually 4 relationships: you and her. you and him. him and her. all of you together. If there is an issue in the "you and him" relatinship, you need to deal with it with him. If you talk to him about it, don't come to resolution, and it begins to affect the "all of you" relationship, then she needs to be talked to as well. Going to another partner instead of the source of any issue is just going to create drama.
- sometimes I would like to spend more time alone with him (I never go out alone with him, I spent only some hours alone with him when she was at work). I fear of hurting her.
Again, that bonding time is important for the you and him relationship. If she is having that many issues, then she needs to figure out the root cause of her jealousy so you can all work on having secure relationships. If she is not willing to do that work, then you need to decide if you are willing to constantly feel stress about someone else's reactions to your behavior.
- I'm very often sexually aroused. I know he would like to do BDSM at every single moment (my sexuality and his are closely linked to BDSM, we don't like very much vanilla sex), but this doesn't apply to her. I don't know what to do.
Schedule regular dates for you and your boyfriend so that you can get to indulge your desires. She could be at work, with friends, or pursuing another interest. Due to her insecurities, I would recommend helping her keep busy while you're doing it so that she isn't moping. Not your responsibility, necessarily, but nice to support your gf in getting more comfortable with the situation. I would ease into it (start once a month then work up to once a week - as an example, not sure what your minimum/max frequencies would be)
- when we are all together and he is speaking, he almost never looks at me. I feel invisible. He told me he doesn't want to make our girlfriend jealous. Should I talk to her?
No. Talk to him again. Tell him it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like a second class citizens. If he is not willing to work on it - you need to decide if you're willing to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you as less important.
- for the same reason, he kisses her more than me. When he kisses me, he always kisses our girlfriend too.
Talk to him.
- when we are all together, I never take the initiative to kiss him. Should I feel free to do it?
Yes. He's your boyfriend. If you want to kiss him and he wants to kiss you, you should be able to kiss each other! Same with your girlfriend and you. Same with your girlfriend and boyfriend. Everyone should be able to kiss whomever they want as long as the two kissers are consenting. That said, some people are not comfortable witnessing intimacy. If that is the case for one (or all) of you, then you might agree as a group to avoid that entirely - meaning no one kisses anyone if you're all present. That would be up to all of you to set boundaries and agreements that you are all comfortable upholding.

They don't want a secondary partner, but sometimes I feel like I fade into the background.
Sounds like they treat you pretty poorly, honestly. I wouldn't be okay with my relationship being dictated by someone else.You need to decide what you're comfortable with and approach your partners about it. The issues mainly seem to be with your boyfriend's behavior which is affected by your girlfriend's feelings. Maybe talk to your girlfriend about how she seems bothered by xyz and ask how you can support her in getting more comfortable. Talk to your boyfriend about you are unhappy with abc and ask him how he would like to go about improving the relationship. Be flexible with the process but firm with the outcome, if that makes sense.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Andrea,

In general I would suggest taking your concerns about your boyfriend's behavior, to your boyfriend. If her jealousy is so ubiquitous that he can't even extend you some basic courtesies, you really should reevaluate whether this relationship can be worth it for you.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[AlongCamePoly]

Hi Andrea,

Perhaps some of this will be applicable to your situation. I got certain vibes when reading your post and wondered about "couple privilege". Do you think you are being treated like a unicorn?

Source

When an existing couple first starts exploring the notion of polyamory, it can be very tempting to try to keep hold of as many elements of monogamy as possible.
...
The solution to all these problems that seems obvious and occurs to a lot of folks right out of the gate is to find a bisexual woman to have sex with both members of the couple in a fidelitous triad. After all, if you’re both having sex with the same person, then nobody will be jealous, right? If you are fidelitous and nobody has sex with anyone else, you won’t have to worry about your partner having sex willy-nilly with the whole world, right? And of course it’s a woman–bisexuality in women is hot, but bisexuality in men is kinda yucky, right?
There’s a reason such a woman is called a “unicorn,” and the 1,872,453,014 couples searching for her are called “unicorn hunters.” The idea of looking for a unicorn feels perfectly reasonable–but it’s rooted in a lot of ideas that aren’t necessarily true and often it’s based on a set of expectations that privilege the existing relationship, even if it doesn’t seem that way.
Couples looking for a unicorn aren’t evil. They’re not mean or malicious or bad people. Yet they often end up doing a lot of harm to anyone who crosses their paths. A friend of mine refers to being a third partner to a couple as “being a couple’s chew toy,” and by far the majority of poly folks I know who have done it once will never do it again.
But why? What’s wrong with it?
For starters, you probably sat down and talked very carefully with your partner about it, and both of you probably agreed that it would meet your needs, right?
So what’s wrong with that?
Well, let’s step aside for a moment from the fact that whenever you’re talking about non-monogamy, anything that you do which starts with “We both …” automatically places one relationship above the others, and think about things from a prospective third’s point of view.
It didn’t give any thought to HER needs. She wasn’t part of the conversation–and how could she be? You haven’t even met her yet. When you decide in advance what the rules of a relationship are, without even being in that relationship yet, well…people tend to feel a bit disenfranchised by that.
And most folks in the poly community are poly because they reject the idea of restrictive relationships; they reject the notion that being in one relationship means giving up on being in any others. So the poly community is really not the best place to look for someone if you plan to tell her “As long as you’re involved with us, you won’t be allowed to be with anyone else.”
But most importantly, you haven’t thought about how what you’re asking for puts your relationship with each other ahead of your relationships with her. Which means that when you do find that “her” you’d love to welcome into your relationship, she quite likely won’t be very keen on joining. (A lot of folks looking for a partner will say “This is what we want, don’t judge us!” and then in the next breath “…but man, it sure is hard, we’ve been searching and searching and we just can’t find anyone.”)
Privilege is an insidious thing; it’s very difficult to think about how you’re giving your own existing relationships a heaping cup of unearned advantages when you’re not even aware of what those advantages are.
So let me talk for a bit about what some of those advantages are.

What do you think?