I need to make a hard decision

I

ilovestrawberries

New member
Hi there,

My wife and I (I'm a woman) got married under the assumption that we'd be poly. There's a significant age difference which was part of it for her, but mostly she just wants a big network of really close relationships in her life. I'd never experienced poly before, but she was really awesome and it sounded great in theory, so I agreed to it.

Meanwhile, after she moved in, she was sexually assaulted on a bus and her PTSD went into overdrive. I took care of her, neglecting all of my needs for her. I just dropped everything for her for several months, including canceling dates and stuff. She was suicidal on and off and it got really scary for a while. Everyone, including my therapist, called us codependent, but it seemed necessary at the time.

Fast forward to now...she's doing better in therapy and wants to start dating again, so she met another woman. I honestly think she's not ready, but that's really between her and her therapist.

Suddenly I find myself feeling really uncomfortable! I thought at first it was just because I didn't find that person attractive, but it's obvious it's more than that now. Every time she comes home from a date I get really upset. I feel super anxious when she's gone. She knows I'm having a hard time and we both thought I just needed to get used to it.

Today we had a discussion/fight about things and I finally admitted that I absolutely hate that she's dating other people. I thought I could just be monogamous and let her be poly, but I don't think so! The thing that really really hurts is that she called that other woman to come pick her up and is spending the night there so we can "have space". Space is definitely needed, but she could've just gone to a friend's house, not there. That really hurts and just makes things worse. I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest.

We agreed that we need to decide what to do. We really love each other but can't keep going like this, where I get all anxious and stressed when she's on a date and continue to say bad things about the other woman. I feel like I'm just not poly. We talked about maybe divorcing, living apart, and still seeing each other regularly...but won't that still be poly? Maybe I'll be able to handle that more without the expectations associated with being married and living together. We could go back to how it was when we first met. It was really amazing.

I just feel awful. I'm really sad. She feels like I lied to her but I just honestly changed my mind. I cannot help what I feel and it's not right to go on pretending to be ok but lashing out at her every time she sees this other person.

I'm just sad.
 
You say you are upset and anxious when your wife is on a date. Why, specifically? Perhaps if you can work out exactly what's bothering you about it you can find a way to come to terms with it.

Are you worried that she's comparing you to the other woman and will decide she likes her new flame more? Are you envious of the time they spend together? Are you concerned that something will happen to her while you're not there to help? Or is it just an indistinguishable cloud of generalised angst? Try to narrow the cause down.
 
ilovestrawberries said:
The thing that really really hurts is that she called that other woman to come pick her up and is spending the night there so we can "have space".
Click to expand...

I wouldn't take this as her deliberately trying to hurt you. If this other woman is not making her choose, your partner may simply be craving a person who is fully accepting of her poly nature. She may need that while she is lost and confused. Another friend may judge her choices.
 
I am sorry you are hurting. Many of us have been through feelings of jealousy, envy and fear at various points in the poly journey, so you are not alone!

It seems the fantasy of poly does not match the reality of it, for you. And it's especially hard since you nursed her through the trauma of the after effects of her assault just recently! And this is the "thanks you get." Hm.

It can take years to adjust to the realities of polyamory.
 
Do you think it is possible that some of the angst is not about the poly, but related to her attack? Maybe you have some PTSD in regard to that, fearful that something is going to happen to her?

I imagine that it probably is what you think it is, but wanted to throw that our there in case it is contributing.
 
thanks : )

thanks for all the nice posts. so last night I got a text from her saying the girl said something that triggered her and she was going to break it off. However, she was still spending the night over there in the guest room. This is hard for me because that meant she didn't feel safe around me and was willing to just pop a xanax and "get thru" the night being in an unfamiliar place rather than home with me. I even offered to sleep on the sofa.

she's still not home yet and said she's not sure if she'll be home tonight...she might stay at a friend's house.

I tried to identify why I get anxious when she's on dates. I worked out with my therapist that I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder along with abandonment issues...this is my second marriage. So I think being poly just makes those feelings worse.

Last night I did more thinking and just don't feel like this can work if she wants to be poly...possibly even if she does not. We sort of want different things. I feel like she's a little bit angry with me because I changed my mind about being poly, but I did not lie to her about it...I just truly changed my mind. Also, she's much younger and I think in her trauma therapy, she's turning out to be a person I don't really feel like I know. She wants different things, so it's almost impossible for me not to feel left out as she gets stronger, more empowered, AND starts dating people all at the same time.

I think it also hurts though, because we can't even do much outside the home without her getting scared and triggered. We went to a farmer's market yesterday and she couldn't stay because something scared her, so she went and sat in the park while I bought the produce, then we went home. Yet she can go on dates with someone else in public and doesn't run home, interrupting their date. But that's ok to do with me.

It doesn't feel good.

So I'm not done thinking about stuff and neither is she, but I feel like we cannot go on like this. I'm at work now trying not to start crying and I just can't be this stressed out all the time.
 
I'm sorry you hurt right now.

Highlights as they appear to me... (correct me if I am wrong):

  • I'd never experienced poly before, but she was really awesome and it sounded great in theory. So I agreed to get married and practice polyshipping as marrieds.
  • I come to find that it is harder in practice than in theory. I hate that she dates other people. I cannot do mono-poly where I am monoamorous and relate in a polyship with her as a hinge. I am monoamorous and have found it is easier / I prefer to relate in monogamous shape relationships.
  • We love each other.
  • We cannot keep on this way.

She feels like I lied to her but I just honestly changed my mind.
Click to expand...

You did not lie. You were willing to try it on, but came to find with experience that it was not what you are up for after all.

I get she's disappointed but c'mon. Calling you a liar isn't helping here. She could own that she chose to take the risk in marrying a person who had never polyshipped before. So did you. You both chose to take the risk.

You guys could have chosen to practice polyshipping first as a dating couple. You both chose otherwise -- you both co-own that choice.

You both could express and process disappointment with grace -- not beat each other up with words. :(

We talked about maybe divorcing, living apart, and still seeing each other regularly... but won't that still be poly? Maybe I'll be able to handle that more without the expectations associated with being married and living together.
Click to expand...

Yes. Still poly. Just not married poly.

You could try it, but if the bottom line is that you are not compatible? You are still not compatible.

If you are monoamorous and prefer relating in a monogamous shape where it is one-on-one? And she wants to date many and polyship? The core problem of not being compatible doesn't change much. :(

I think the most loving thing you guys can do is agree to part and try to be friends. Disappointing, but forcing something to fly that just won't fly isn't an answer.

Again, I'm sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
thanks GalaGirl

haha. one of the words in the image verification is "marriage". hmmm.

so yes, I definitely think I have a very different idea of what it means to be married and living together. when we were first dating, she actually had another partner and split her time between us. I think maybe it worked better when we weren't living together because then I wasn't privy to all of her drama going on in between seeing each other. Right now, I worry about her so much partly because of her past risky behavior and partly because of my anxiety. If we lived apart and she came over twice a week, I think a lot of that would be gone.

However...part of what's frustrating for me being poly is that a lot of potential people out there in the dating world are not poly and so I feel like that cuts out a big swath of people I might like. So if we live apart and I start dating other people but also date her, this would still be a problem if other people I chose to date had a problem with me dating someone else at the same time.

Ugh. It's a dilemma. We want to be in each other's lives and we have amazing chemistry sexually, so it would be hard to give that up and just be friends.

She wants to have lunch today and I'm super nervous.
 
I think maybe it worked better when we weren't living together because then I wasn't privy to all of her drama going on in between seeing each other.
Click to expand...

That is a plus to not living together.

Right now, I worry about her so much partly because of her past risky behavior and partly because of my anxiety. If we lived apart and she came over twice a week, I think a lot of that would be gone.
Click to expand...

Living apart does not change her risky behavior "doing-ness." Only she stops her risky behavior. Not anyone else. You stress/anxiety might be "reduced" when it isn't all in your face, but it is not "gone."

However...part of what's frustrating for me being poly is that a lot of potential people out there in the dating world are not poly and so I feel like that cuts out a big swath of people I might like. So if we live apart and I start dating other people but also date her, this would still be a problem if other people I chose to date had a problem with me dating someone else at the same time.
Click to expand...

Those are each a "Limit of the Universe" to me.

Yes, there is a smaller poly dating pool than a mono dating pool in general.

Yes, if you date mono people... you guys may each date the playing field for a while as well as each other. And eventually the mono person might ask if you would like to go exclusive/mono with them and make a commitment. And you could give them your answer.

Neither of those things are a problem. They just are what they are. Limit of the Universe.

Neither of those things have anything to do with you solving your problems with your wife. All future stuff that is distracting you from task at hand. Or seems to be.

You could stay focused and deal with future problems in future, and deal with today problems today. Solve stuff in chronological order. To me it would be

  • Divorce. Heal from that. (Both)
  • Still dealing with healing from assault trauma PTSD. Heal from that and bring under management. (Her)
  • Still dealing with codependency/general anxiety disorder. Heal from that and bring under management. (You).
  • THEN see if you want to date each other or not once both are healthy again. (Worry about how dating poly her affects the rest of your dating life/limits your dating life at THAT point in time. Determine the price of admission to creating a new romance here and decide if it is possible or not at THAT point in time.)

It's like you are trying to solve it all in one go instead of one thing at a time. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
So we just had lunch. We want to give this a try before making any drastic decisions because we really really love each other. She told me she isn't even sure if she needs to be poly forever, but she has these "urges" she wants to explore.

The compromise for that is she will stay at our friend's house one night a week, therefore leaving that night open for dates or whatever. I won't ask about it but I asked her to please tell me if she is assaulted or raped again, but anything up to that point, she can share only if she wants to. We also decided that to manage her PTSD and my anxiety and to prevent outbursts that upset us both, we will both keep journals of any big relationship issues we wanna discuss and then set aside one time per week to discuss them.

I think it's hard when she doesn't really know what she wants but at the same time, her uncertainty is stressing me out. She really wants to come up with a plan that addresses both of our issues.

I feel really good about this and feel a lot of relief. You are right, we are trying to focus on short-term now rather than long-term, which is part of the reason we're not making big life decisions just yet.
 
The compromise for that is she will stay at our friend's house one night a week, therefore leaving that night open for dates or whatever. I won't ask about it but I asked her to please tell me if she is assaulted or raped again, but anything up to that point, she can share only if she wants to.
Click to expand...

If that is the current plan, could finish fleshing it out.

  • Are you going to not be fluid bonded at this time to minimize your exposure?
  • Sex health labs shared how often?
  • Will she be calling the friend for basic dating safety stuff (meeting X, arrived fine, leaving for home now) rather than you?

Things like that. Keep sorting it through.

GL!

Galagirl
 
1. we are fluid bonded, though we don't do much that exposes the other to fluids. We have agreed that sex with anyone else must be perfectly safe.
2. we've just been tested recently
3. I would imagine on the nights she is staying at the friend's, she would check in with that friend if needed. Part of this is to help me not worry about her. I told her that if she comes home the next day looking upset, I want her to share what happened if she wants to, otherwise just tell me she needs hugs.

thanks! :)
 
thank you so much....I really appreciate the input. Seriously, I hesitated coming to a poly board to post about how I don't think I'm poly. But I really don't have anyone else to talk to as my mono friends just say un-helpful things like "well I couldn't do that", etc.

:D
 
Most welcome.

You do not have to ID as polyamorous to participate in a polyship. To me you are monoamorous, married, and choosing to participate in a polyship with your wife as the dating person/hinge.

Galagirl
 
ilovestrawberries said:
thank you so much....I really appreciate the input. Seriously, I hesitated coming to a poly board to post about how I don't think I'm poly. But I really don't have anyone else to talk to as my mono friends just say un-helpful things like "well I couldn't do that", etc.

:D
Click to expand...

You're in the right place to vent and plan! There are plenty of mono people here who are involved with poly people. You probably need more support than those that are poly.

Read YouAreHere's blog if you like. She is mono, her bf is poly and has 3 partners total.

Heck, I'm poly and I've been having a hell of a time with my bf's current dating style and goals... They are quite different from mine.

Best of luck!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top