I should have known!

Magdlyn

Well-known member
The only time I feel I blundered is when I think of arguments or points I didn’t make. The way this is described, you made your points, but unfortunately, she couldn’t or wouldn’t absorb them in the spirit in which they were delivered. Without a transcript, I don’t really think you blundered, so you might want to let yourself off that hook.

In hindsight, you should have given her the reading material, then followed-up on its being read, talked about the relevant topic in the material, i.e., poly hell or whatever, and THEN set up a cuddle date or an action plan, to smooth things over.

It's unclear from your post if it was your expectation that she would read the article, and then make more of an effort to demonstrate some type of team spirit, or whether she expressed an understanding of your concerns, and the ideas backing up your concerns, i.e., the reading material, and THEN had agreed to a late night/early morning “connection time."

As you say, her side isn’t represented, other than how you remember it. However, I VERY VERY much think she crossed a line. She knew this discussion/argument was going out to a 3rd party (her bf Pete) who is involved in some ways. There were lots of ways she could have handled that! Either she could have stopped you, saying, "I’m on the phone," or she could have told Pete, "I’m sorry, I have to hang up now. I’ll call you back."

Also, I think you made the right move in leaving, even if it was an hour early. 👍 I’m assuming, from your previous posts about your codependency, that walking away like this was a good departure. It should send a signal that lots of changes are happening and that your words and actions have meaning.
Also, in the early days of wrestling with a huge change, going from mono to poly, it is important to remember not to have discussions that last more than an hour. It's important to have these hard talks when you are well-rested, well-nourished, and hydrated. Just having quit smoking is making you both all the more short-tempered. It's important to quit a conversation when one or both of you get "emotionally flooded." You will end up behaving badly and saying the wrong things.

You have an autistic child, and that makes everything more complicated and stressful. Your wife might be having Mommy burnout. She might be exhausted from being at the beck and call of her neurologically different child for X number of years. So, the lure of sexy fun chat with Pete will be all the more exciting and compelling and obsessive. She's willing to overlook your own burnout and stress at being available 24/7 to meet the needs of your son. She's on that NRE high, and everything else in her life has become a pale shadow.

You also experienced the unreality of anything beyond your own NRE for poly itself, when you went to the bar and mingled with drinking, singing strangers, and didn't stay masked or socially distanced the entire time.

Hormones are a bitch. Some experienced polyamorists HATE NRE, and these are the reasons why. It makes us almost literally lose our minds.

Let me just add here that it was extremely unfortunate that Pete overheard your conversation, which you thought was private! I blush in embarrassment for you. Yikes.
 
It's important to quit a conversation when one or both of you get "emotionally flooded." You will end up behaving badly and saying the wrong things.
That was an important validation for me. Thank you!

As for her relationship with Pete, it's not just a romantic tryst. He's really helping her work through her trauma responses and emotional scars, and I don't want to get in the way of that. She needs it. I don't think she believed me when I said that my asking for attention had nothing to do with jealousy. I can see the difference now between needing some of her attention, and wanting her to not give attention to someone else. The former is healthy, the latter is just jealousy. I don't want all of her attention, and I don't want to interfere with her other relationship, or her career! But I need to feel safer asking for that consideration than she made me feel today. And if I find that she in fact has no desire to make me feel safer, then I'm going to have to seriously examine if our relationship is something I want to keep putting effort into.

I'm still pretty emotional, so I'm not about to start making any rash decisions right now. But I have a lot to think about.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
There is a difference between jealousy and envy. In our lazy culture, we usually use the word jealousy for both emotions, but they are distinctly different. Specific to your situation:

jealous- you feel badly because someone is taking away something you consider yours.

envy- you wish you could do the activity your partner and her new bf are doing.

I am never "jealous" of my gf spending time, or doing fun things with her bf, because her time (and body for that matter) is her own to use as she wishes.

I can feel "envious" if they do an activity that I want to do with her myself!
 
Yeah, I mash those together sometimes. They are very similar. Perhaps I do feel some envy, because I don't feel like I have the chance to talk to her lately, while she has all the time in the world for Pete. But I think I'm doing the right thing by focusing on how this lack of attention makes me feel, rather than telling her that the time she is spending with Pete is a problem. It's related, but I don't think it would take much time on her part to address my feelings and make me feel less marginalized. She just has to show me that she wants to.
 
It's not about the time. It's about the moments.

I've come to accept that I have an artist's temperament. I tried to deny it, because while I do see myself as an artist, the temperament seemed too cliche. I think there's some irony in that. I tend to be moody and manic when I'm speaking from the heart. I need to give myself some space when I start reacting emotionally to a situation. Let the storm pass, and then address the situation with a clear head. I haven't been doing that. I've been brandishing my emotions while I explain why I feel this way. As if she doesnt already know!

So, I stormed out after a dispute. I fumed and boiled. I questioned everything again. And I turned to friends for help. You guys were great, as always. I had mentioned at some point that I might be missing something, because it's just my side being told. I was right.

I made plans to go hang with Kevin that night, but I couldn't tell Ms Fisher until I got home from work, since she'd be asleep until then. I came home with stuff for dinner, and made sure anything I'd be needed for was taken care of. I woke up Ms Fisher, and she seemed to wake mid-sentence in the conversation I walked out on. I listened, but I was still very emotionally charged. I wasn't being receptive yet. As soon as I had the chance, I let her know that I was going to bug out for the night. I needed to blow off some steam. She only agreed because it was Kevin. She knew he could be trusted to not sugar coat his advice, or jump on "my side" just because we're friends. I stayed for more conversation, and maintained enough compsure to see some of Ms Fisher's points. I felt like the crisis had passed, but I still needed to get out for a night.

I talked to Kevin about my emotional tangles, and he helped me take an honest, objective look at my situation. He's good at that. We played a few games of chess, a couple rounds of Magic the Gathering, and I drank his beer and whiskey. At some point, while I was talking about revisiting old friendships, he reminded me that Sarah still thinks of me as a friend. Right! I hadnt seen Sarah in years! She had a relationship, of sorts, with Kevin from long back, so I always had her framed as Kevin's girl, but the three of us hanging out was always a blast! The best laugh I've ever laughed was with Sarah! That was such a moment in our friendship, and one of my most treasured memories. I had to get back in touch.

When I finally got home after work the next day, I was thinking rationally again. Ms Fisher jumped on the opportunity to start telling me a lot about myself, and I was actually receptive. She's right, I do tend to enter a conversation assuming I'm right. It keeps me from actually hearing anything that's not in my script. I also agree that I do not think rationally when I am emotionally charged. I accepted it, and immediately felt liberated to tears. I had realized that my new mindset is actually making me open to constructive change on so many levels. It was such a moment for me! And that is what I've been craving lately. Not attention. Connection!

I talked to Sarah for hours tonight. I told her about my big life change, and she had so many questions for me! It started with concern, I think, but I think she's getting why this is so good for me. I love her inquisitiveness! If something gets her attention, she wants to understand it. Right now. I like that I know a lot of interesting things, because she seems to really like picking my brain.

I eventually had to end the call so I could help with dinner, but I'm looking forward to hanging out with Sarah and Kevin some more. It's great to have friends and freedom again! I've missed living for far too long!
 
I'm really excited about some new developments in my relationship with ...

I'm not actually going to say whom. Because I'm pretty sure she'll be reading this, and I don't want her to feel like I'm putting her in the spotlight here. She knows who she is, and I think she knows exactly the developments I'm talking about. I've actually been trying not to rush things. I just want to explore these new feelings I'm having for her, and I feel like I've already reached a point where I'd be comfortable telling her exactly how I feel. I know I fall in love at the drop of a hat, and I love that about myself now! I just need to know something about how she feels. Am I going to spook her if I fall for her now? I'm leading with my heart here, and I think I can trust her to be my friend, whatever else we try adding to that friendship!

I've been thinking about her so much, I've hardly had time to do anything else. I'm blogging today mostly for posterity, but it's still easy to dip my quill into my life, and draw out abundant inspiration. I've never felt so engaged in my life! And I think this special girl might have something to ask me or tell me the next time we talk. I guess I'll find out soon enough!
 
Two entries in one day. I must be be inspired by something. What is it? I've been thinking lately about how Im not afraid anymore of falling in love with someone. It's not just that I know I will never ask for the bondage of co-ownership again. My future is destined to be a trail of broken hearts, including my own. I'll fall in love, only to find that the sentiment is not shared, and I'll howl at the moon for my foolish heart! But I will not regret having loved yet again. And I know I'm going to break hearts. I'm a seductive romantic, and I love to cast a spell on a willing heart. I'll handle that heart like a faberge egg, delicate and precious. The only heart I'll break will belong to the woman who thinks she can keep me for her own, because I'll be clear about how I feel from the start. I'll mourn for her dream lost, but I'll not feel guilt for the pieces on the floor. We all chose for ourselves how we share ourselves, and if you have misguided expectations, then that risk is your own.

I have a friend who worries that this is just a temporary affair with ignorant bliss. I appreciate his concern; it takes a good friend to actively challenge my views the way he has. I hope he reads this and sees that I do know the risks I'm taking with people's and my own hearts. I don't think I'm putting anyone's feelings at risk but my own, and the risk is measured and still very attractive to me.

This is happening.
 
It's been a couple of days since my last blog. The inspiration is still flowing, but I've been directing more of that energy to nurturing my relationships and meeting more people. I think I'm addicted to it. Not the NRE exactly, but the thrill of just meeting people! I can't believe how tightly I had sealed myself away. My relationship with Ms Fisher is still getting better, and even though I was expecting it, the lack of time we have together is astoundingly effective at reminding me to appreciate the time we do have with each other. I'm singing along with the car radio again, I'm a more patient parent, I'm broke for a couple more days and not having a panic attack over it! I can't believe how much being depressed was robbing me of life's joys. I can't believe I couldn't see what was happening to me.

I've been in enlightened yogi mode for a while, and it's been frustrating to have all this new energy and perspective to share, knowing that most people just aren't going to want to hear it. I started talking to another someone new - I'll call her Buttercup, she knows why - and she is having some difficulty adapting to poly. She actually wants to come to terms with this way of thinking that makes so much sense to her, and I think she has an emotional epiphany waiting for her. I could talk to her for hours, relating her mindset to my old one, looking for that "Aha!" moment when she realizes what she's denying right now. I know it's different for everyone, but I think our perspectives are close enough that I could really help her out. I'm also enjoying flirting with her, but I'm sure there's not a woman on this forum surprised by that! I'm incorrigible! ;)

I have plans to hang out with Kevin and Sarah this Friday night, so I have that to look forward to the next couple of days, and I think Saturday I'm going back to the bar to see if Jessie wants to make plans to chat, when she's not working. Jen has turned out to be a great friend already, and she helped me get through a tough transition a few days ago. Well, it seemed tough when I was contemplating it, but it was the easiest thing in the world once she pushed me out of my shell. It extinguished my envy for Ms Fisher's relationship like a snuffed candle! I'm going to smile when I think about that night for a long time yet.

Ms Fisher and I finally got the chance to climb between the sheets again recently, and I was right. It's been years since I felt that way in her embrace! I let myself dissolve and fade, joining her in our emergent being for a brief eternity. I was selfless, and complete in a way I can never be when I'm alone. I love that. I also let that feeling stay in bed when I woke up the next morning! I have ambitions again! I'm ready to do stuff!

Now, what's going to happen today?
 
Sunday morning, and the last remnants of my Saturday hangover from Friday night at Kevin's house are almost beneath notice. Kevin just kept pouring whiskey into that Han Solo double shot glass when I wasn't looking. I knew I had to shoot fast. Its Han ****ing Solo! And so I went, beyond my limit, and into the fourth wee hour of the morning. On my way, I got the chance to hang out with Kevin and Sarah, like we used to in out twenties.We played rummy, made each other laugh, and just... caught up. It was great, but I don't think I'm going to let Han Solo intimidate me like that next time. I just don't have the constitution for it any more. Come to think of it, I never really did in the first place!

I was having a fun conversation with Buttercup on Friday night, while I was getting ready to go out. Unfortunately, I feel like timing of the end of that conversation sort of left something hanging, and I haven't had the head to get back in touch with her until just now. It's going to be interesting, learning how to manage time among multiple relationships, dividing my time - not fairly - but appropriately. It helps that I'm working on avoiding expectations. Goals are great, imagining possibilities is effective, and plans are good to have, but I need to stop going into situations with an expectation of how that situation is "supposed to" play out! It gets in the way of my ability to take in new information, and assimilate that into my understanding of the situation. Anything can change at any time, and it's better to be able to adapt to a dynamic situation, then to try to enforce my beliefs in ignorance of anything I might have learned. Pretty self righteous if me, I think. At least I'm actually working on my issues now! I couldn't even admit they were there before.

Sorry if I sound preachy, but I'm just working out some of these old knots in my brain, and what I'm saying might not apply to you. Every person and situation is unique, and everything I've said might be covered by the first lecture in Deal With It 101. Let me know if you see any clues that I'm still missing something. Some things are easier to recognize from the outside, you know?]
 
I'm not proud of the way I've behaved in the past. I have some serious behavior issues that I can't just blame on living monogamously, or being depressed. I have a bad habit of getting defensive when Ms Fisher points out things that I'm doing wrong. I hate admitting that I've done things to hurt her, but I'm trying really hard to accept what I've done, and to grow past it. I've been neglectful of my duties as a parent, and (unintetionally) psychologically abusive toward Ms Fisher. I've said hurtful things, blamed her for my shortcomings, and taken advantage of her generosity. Her friends have told her that she could just leave me, that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. I don't even know why she still loves me. I feel like a monster.

So this is my first real step - acknowledging the things I've done. I've always cared deeply for her, and I don't know why it's so hard for me to treat her the way she deserves. I've been doing better, since my big epiphany. But I still have a lot of work to do to break the old habits and get myself motivated to be a better person.

When she tells me that she feels like I don't care, I feel angry. When she tells me I need to do more to help, I get defensive. When she tries to use my past behaviors to illustrate the habits I still have, I lose it. I know I've changed for the better, but it feels like no matter how much I improve, anything I do might start the same old conversation about how terrible a person I was. I used to get extremely heated when it would happen. Why are we talking about this again?! It's because I'm still not as reformed as I want to believe I am. It still hurts to hear.

Lately, I've been focusing on my own needs pretty hard. I feel like it's important for me right now to get in touch with what I want out of life, but it seems to be working against me in my efforts to make amends for my past. It feels like I'll never live it down, like I've broken something, and it can't be fixed. Ms Fisher reassures me that she is still working with me to get through these issues, but sometimes it just feels like she's still trying to make me feel guilty for the way I was. I don't want to be that way any more! I don't feel like I am.

I've been pretty emotionally unstable these past few weeks. I'm trying to learn how to speak my mind about my needs. I used to be ashamed to do that. Now... it comes across as just more complaining and gaslighting. She thinks I'm attacking her career when I speak up about wanting more of her time.

Please understand, I'm not trying to badmouth her. I do need to be more helpful around the house, and I do need to be careful about my motivations when I'm relating my needs. I'm just in a dour mood this evening, and I need to vent. I'm doing my best to be honest with myself about the things I still need to improve. I've told myself for too long that I was doing everything right. How am I supposed to know when I'm lying to myself? How can I have any confident convictions about what I'm feeling, if I might be manufacturing that feeling to justify one of those bad habits I'm trying to break? When will I be able to speak my mind without worrying that it will be turned around on me as yet another example of why I just don't get it?

She put up with my hurtful, destructive, behaviors for the majority of our time together. She's been patient with me, all that time. Now that I feel like I've turned the corner, I just want to be a better person - right now! I'm so impatient to make things right. I don't want to ignore the wrongs I've done. I want to learn from my mistakes and get on with my life! I'm afraid it might just be pride. I want to believe I'm a good person, but I haven't been until recently. I want Ms Fisher to believe, as I do, that I'm not trying to sabotage her career, or her new relationship. Am I? I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I'm lost. How do I know when I can speak my mind, without worrying that I'm just perpetuating my old bad habits?
 
Wow. That was a mood.

Sleep helped a lot. We've been looking at a financial pinch comming, and that got resolved last night, so that might have had something to do with how I was feeling, too. Yesterday, when I got home from work, I didn't know if we were going to have the money to get by for the next week, my radiator sprung a leak, and Ms Fisher and I had some heavy talking to do. It was a firestorm of stressors, and I think that was a big part of the mood I was in. I went to bed angry, and unable to figure out why. Sad would have made sense, but I was just pissed! Ms Fisher woke me up to let me know that we had the money we needed, and later, she came to bed. It was so... refreshing!

I think I was just mad at myself last night. Mad that I wasn't yet the person I want to be. Not yet.

Today marks 11 years since Ms Fisher and I had that wild night on the beach. We use that night as our anniversary, and I want this one to be special. Not flowers, she hates the idea of dead plant vaginas in the house. Her phrasing there. Chocolates are always appreciated, but that won't be enough by itself. Potted herbs are something we discussed as a good gift for a special occasion, but we haven't figured out a way to keep the cats from destroying them, so I don't think that's quite right, either. I'd love to just take a walk with her. It's been a while, and that was something we did often when our relationship was new. Then again, I think she'll be working tonight, so there might not be time for a walk. I need to get better at planning these things! I don't feel bad about it; we've been dealing with a lot more important stuff recently, and my distraction from ceremonial regard isn't that big a deal in comparison.

I'll think of something. I have all day at work to figure it out! Now if only I could figure out how to keep my foot out of my mouth!
 
Today has been a great day! Yesterday, my car broke down, so I had to catch the bus to work, but that's not so bad. I had a chat with Buttercup while I was at work. I'm starting to really like her; not the hypersocial try-harding I was doing at first. We're peers in this poly exploration. It's new to both of us, and we're really helping each other sort out our feelings together.

Aside from being St. Patrick's day, today is, for all intents and purposes, Ms Fisher's and my 11-year anniversary! She's put up with my bull**** for over a decade! We hadn't made plans yet for anything to celebrate. Been kinda crazy lately. I knew she had work to do tonight, so I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go for a walk. She suggested we walk to pick up some sushi for the family. Now here's the cool part: it felt like asking a girl out on a date! I didn't know if she'd be available, and it was such a thrill to get a yes! To think I had written off that feeling as something remembered, but never looked forward to again.

So I got home, and we pretty much headed out right away. It's about a forty-five minute walk. At first, we chatted about conclusions drawn from our last conversation and exchanged some heartfelt appreciation for each other's efforts. It set a nice mood for the walk. And then we talked. Like lovers do. We bought a boatload of sushi, and sprung for a never-tried craft pilsner. We didn't talk much on the walk home, but that's only because we were hungry and wanted that sushi to still be fresh(ish) by the time we got back. The trip was perfect. So simple, and so good!

So now, I'm sitting with my son, trying to get him to sleep instead of somersault, so that Ms Fisher can get to work. This is working. This is happening!
 
Not having a running vehicle is certainly inconvenient, but catching the bus to work does give me a good slice of time to blog in the morning. Yesterday was another good day! Not only did I finally find the motivation to get more active in my household responsibilities, but I also untied another of my mental knots.

A couple of days ago, when Ms Fisher and I had that heavy conversation, I had told her that in the past, I had been trying to live up to an image. It was what I saw as her ideal version of me. Then she asked me what that ideal image was, because she wasn't seeing it from the way I behaved. I was stumped. I couldn't describe what that image was! I told her I was going to have to think about that one some more. Fast forward to last night, and I figured out what I was trying to convey. The way I was behaving was in no way what I would consider ideal. The problem was that I had been using the desire to be her perfect spouse as my motivation for being a better man. Unfortunately, that's a shallow well to draw from. After a couple of years, that motivation dried up, and no amount of wanting to improve myself for her could get me to do anything about it. It made me feel worthless, and hopeless. But I was too prideful to admit that I was failing. I knew I wanted to be a better man, but it wasn't until I decided to do so for myself that I felt empowered to act! I'm sure this is just a rewording of what Ms Fisher has been telling me for a while now, but I couldn't hear it. All I could hear was "you're not good enough" or "you just don't get it." That's not what she was saying at all! It's a real challenge to be confident in my own self worth, while being humble to the reality of what kind of person I actually am.

It's so dangerous for a deep lover such as myself to try to be monogamous. By assuming I am the only man for her, I felt a heavy burden to be everything she needed, or would ever need. I also expected her to do the same for me. That's just too much pressure! Every failure to live up to that responsibility just chipped away at my motivation to keep trying. Once that motivation was all but gone, I was left with anger, frustration and aggression. I've done a lot of damage with that mindset, and it's probably going to take years for her to heal from the psychological abuse that I put her through. Even now, I'm tempted to belive that I could never hurt her. I can. I have.

I think this is an appropriate time for me to feel some guilt and shame. I just need to be careful to not let it consume me. I'm becoming a better person now, so hopefully my actions going forward will start to soak up some of that remorse. I hope it doesn't take too long. As good as I feel about where I am now, mentally and emotionally, I want my pride back! It's just going to take a lot of work before I feel worthy of that pride again.
 
More positive vibes today, folks! Despite Magdlyn's sincere and honest concern for public health, which I appreciate, I returned to bar last night. I had a sign from the universe to follow up on, after all. (And yes, I can see you rolling your eyes at me, Mag. 😉) I realized soon after my last trip, that the only time I knew to talk to Jessie was while she was working her karaoke gig. I don't think it's appropriate to try to have a conversation with someone new while they are working. It doesn't leave them the option of just walking away if they wanted. So, I aimed to just have another me night, and hope for a good opportunity to talk to her to present itself.

Almost as soon as I sat down with my first beer, I was approached by a woman who had clearly been drinking for a while already. Physically, she was not my type, but I'm being pretty open minded lately, so I tried not to let that color my decision making. She sat down at the next table over, and invited me to join her. Okay, sure. We can chat. She made mention of how she could use another drink, and I obliged. I couldn't hear a lot of what she had to say over the noise, but there wasn't much about her I was finding interesting enough to spend the whole night talking to just her. She was nice enough, but I sensed some kind of a fevered look in her eyes that made me uneasy. When she said that she was getting a creepy vibe from the guy sitting behind her, and invited me to join her at another, more isolated table, I had to gently decline her request. I hope I was tactful enough.

A few minutes later, I decided I should just jump in and grab the mic. I've had The Power of Love stuck in my head for weeks! So I asked for it, and a few more minutes later, I was singing. I had never done karaoke in public, and I liked it more than I expected! I cracked a couple of the high notes at the end, but I think I sounded okay for most if it. Afterwards, I struck up a couple other conversations,and at one point, Jessie happened to walk by. So I got her attention.

Right away, I noticed the ring on her left ring finger, and whether or not it was a decoy, that put a boundary in place that I had to respect. No problem, it didn't change the fact that I might benefit from becoming her friend. I told her briefly about having had an epiphany, and that I wanted us to get to know each other. I told her I was following up on a sign, and she seemed appreciative of that. I told her that I've realized that I am poly, and might like her help navigating around the shallow waters and ship wrecks (sic) around the bar. She seemed open to the idea. She's very busy most of the time, so I told her if she wanted to know more about me, to check out my blog. She actually sounded really interested! I promised I wasn't trying to hit on her, because I fully intended to break her off my digits. (Yeah, I'm forty and I said it.) Then I asked her to put on Life In The Fast Lane for me next, and dropped a few bucks in her tip jar before I sat back down. Maybe I should have quit while I was ahead.

I had been singing along with every song that night, and by the second verse of that Eagles tune, I realized I had completely blown out my voice! I sang the rest of the song like a strangled frog, and was reminded of a quote from The Prince of Thieves, where Friar Tuck says "Thank you, O Lord, for teaching me humility!" There was zero judgement in the room, and I had zero pride. It was great!

And so I settled my tab, and asked for a scrap of paper to jot down directions to this blog, plus my name and number, to hand to Jessie on my way out the back door. I hope the interest she seemed to have was genuine. I wouldnt think poorly of her if she was just being polite because she was working. That's why I kept it brief. I wanted to just gaze into her eyes and tell her all the relevant details leading up to her singing Age of Aquarius that night! But alas, professional and probable marital boundaries exist.

All in all, I felt like the night was a success. I had something of a plan going in, but I intentionally walked in the door without expectations, and nothing about the night was disappointing!

Today, I found that I needed to relax the terms of my boundaries with Ms Fisher. I had asked her to keep any non-work related conversations with Pete out of sight as much as possible. That was too restrictive, and I felt like I was shunning her. So instead, I just asked that she keep private those conversations in which an interruption would be met with ... irritation, if you know what I mean. As long as I don't have to feel out of touch when I see her standing right there, then it's no big deal. I don't have to be the center of her attention all the time, but I like that I still want to be! Knowing that I could tap her on the shoulder and share a funny thought, or ask a random question is enough to prevent that out-of-touch feeling from sleeping in. I think. I'm sure well have more conversations about it in the future; that's the dance, now! 🎶🥰
 
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So this is what having a full life feels like. I didn't think I would ever feel this. I've always felt like I should have been doing more with my days, and in a lot of ways, I should have indeed. Now that I've caught the wave, I can feel everything rushing up to push me ahead, ever faster. My relationship with Ms Fisher has improved dramatically in just this past week, thanks to my newly improved communication habits. Jen is struggling with isolation and exhaustion, and it feels so good to remind her that she has one more shoulder to lean on now, albeit a virtual one. And Buttercup! I can't stop texting her - on the bus, at work, at home ... in bed. She makes me feel so appreciated and desired! We had a phone call last night, and let me just say that I slept very well afterwards!

I've taken charge of our family finances, and I have a plan to get us out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle. I had always let Ms Fisher handle money before, because she is good at making things work on a shoestring budget, and she knows how to accept sacrifices to make that happen. Now that we have more substantial and reliable income, it's something I feel confident about managing, and since Ms Fisher has a lot of other demands on her time now, it works out well.

I have plans to start a new project with Kevin this weekend - I'll have more details about that to share at a later date, but it's something we've talked about doing for a while. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to commit to it until now. It's going to be a lot of fun, and it might even make us some money before too long!

I expected it to take me much longer to come to where I am today. I knew I had to find myself, and I knew I wanted to make some new connections to explore polyamory and what it could be for me. I think that's why I was so impatient. I thought it would take more time. But once I jumped in the water, life came flooding in and swept me up! I didn't even know I had been just staring at my feet, letting the water moving around them give me the illusion of motion. And don't ask me to explain that metaphor; I'm not sure what it implies about my mental state, it just popped out.

I'm in the flow now, and I'm going with it!
 
What a week! I haven't posted a blog these past seven days, and it sort of feels like I'm letting it slip. I've just been so busy! I finally managed to direct some of my exuberant energy to being more productive, instead of just writing about it. As helpful as the writing has been, and I'm sure it will continue to be, I've been needing to get busy with my life. I'm running our finances now, and doing some deep, overdue house cleaning. I'm still learning about my emotional responses, still actively communicating my feelings with Ms Fisher, and still finding ways to improve myself. I just haven't been documenting as much, so here I am. Time for some catch-up!

First of all, I've recently found that compersion might actually be a thing for me! I had mentioned before that Ms Fisher has a kink for the idea of me with another woman, but as it turns out, it's not exactly a kink, as I understand it. She described it that way because it's a non-standard way to feel about a situation - not that it's deviant, or dirty. I had gone to bed one night this past week, and chose to practice some self-reliance, as I was not expecting any company in bed that night. It's a fantastic sleep aid, and nothing out of the ordinary for me. What was strange is what happened when I cast about my mind for a suitably steamy fantasy. I usually try out a few scenarios before I find one that pushes my buttons in the moment, but that night, as soon as I started to look, I thought about Ms Fisher ... and Pete! I imagined her taking a trip to visit him, following him into his bedroom, and showing him the time of his life! It felt a little strange to think about, but it also got my motor running like I never would have expected! What's interesting, is that the arousal from that fantasy can occupy my mind at the same time as my feelings of jealousy. The two seem antithetical to me, and I feel like one of them will just swallow the other, given enough time. I do hope the compersion would be the victor in that contest, but maybe they just learn to coexist after all. I don't know, anyone have some insight on that?

I think that Ms Fisher and I have only had one "bump" in the past week. There was a request for time that got postponed for logistical reasons, and when the situation changed, and the originally requested time was no longer spoken for, I was disappointed that I didn't get that time to spend with her. I felt a little pushed aside, and had a night of feeling ignored. We talked about it in the morning, and it turned out that the plans for that time had been canceled because she was not feeling well. We had just finished with a birthday dinner outing, and she was drained. It would not have been a good night to try romancing her, so we decided to just go ahead with the plans we had agreed on in the first place. Those plans got postponed, too. But that's okay, we both had good reasons for putting it off a few more days, and I'll be glad to have a Friday night with Ms Fisher to myself, and no limit on our time for the night!
 

icesong

Moderator
What's interesting, is that the arousal from that fantasy can occupy my mind at the same time as my feelings of jealousy. The two seem antithetical to me, and I feel like one of them will just swallow the other, given enough time.
There's an entire brand of kink based on that co-existence - I don't necessarily feel the combination myself, but my understanding is some of the heat of cuckolding, for the cuckolded partner, comes from harnessing that jealousy.
 
Yeah, I don't think that's where my head is at. I can deal with jealousy now - I just see it as a reminder of I want from Ms Fisher. The fantasy, though. It wasn't driven by my jealousy, it just sort of shouldered it out of the way while I was enjoying the thought of her changing his religion!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I always like to learn from history. If you're wondering about your feelings about fantasizing about Ms Fisher with another person, just think about human history. For millennia, like a million years, humans lived in small tribes, usually sharing abodes, in a cave or longhouse situation, or in small homes closely clustered together for safety. Don't you think we all watched or at least listened to each other have sex? Of course we did. It would have just been a normal everyday thing.

I learned about this when I read the Clan of the Cave Bear when I was 12 lol. It was confirmed when I read Sex at Dawn in 2012.

 
So, time for another update! Things are good - being diligent with keeping up communication has definitely been key to making sure that I'm on a healthy, positive track. It's strange, telling Ms. Fisher about the things that upset me or make me uncomfortable. I've always kept that to myself, before; I didn't see how it would do any good to complain. I thought I was nobly sacrificing my own comfort to make thing smoother for our relationship. I can see now how wrongheaded that was. I was just digging myself into a hole, and not making anyone happier for it.

Now, I'm starting to see that I can speak up about my own feelings, and it won't make Ms. Fisher get tired of me. That's a leftover trigger from my relationship with Niki. After her infidelity, I was constantly trying to tell her how I felt, and eventually she just told me "I'm tired of hearing about your feelings!" At the time, I thought that I must have been obsessing, and I started training myself to push my feelings aside, lest they ruin my (already ruined) relationship with her. I still feel that paranoia when I bring up something that bothers me, like this will be the last straw. This will be the complaint that uses up her patience and breaks us. I'm really tired of those irrational, conditioned responses, but I know that only time and good communication practices will ever change them. I'm just so impatient.

My relationship with Buttercup has really taken off! We talk pretty much every day, we've started playing chess (and she's got some game!), and our conversations, especially in the evening, have a tendency to take an erotic turn sometimes. I still feel like I have no idea how to be intimate over the phone, but we're trying things, and having fun with it, so I can't really complain! I don't know if she's going to stick to the poly philosophy long term; she's been feeling very overwhelmed by the constant challenges to her relationship harmony. I get that! For a while, when I first decided to dive in, it felt like one day was bliss, and the next day was a maelstrom of doubt and loathing. It was a roller coaster from Hell! There are still peaks and troughs, and times that I feel like it just won't work, but so far, communication has gotten me over every hill, and out of every valley. I hope Buttercup can find her way through the weeds! I'll be there for her, whatever she decides.

I finally got a chance to chat with Jen the other day. She's still having a hard time coping with the isolation of closed borders and distant lovers. And work. And other projects. She stays so busy, it's a wonder she's still going. I wish I could just hold her in my arms and make her feel better. She's starved for physical contact, and who can blame her? I feel for her, and anyone else who has to deal with extended periods of time without a lover's caress. It's so important. These days though, it's so scarce for so many. I'm glad I can at least share my positive energy with the people I care about. It's not the best salve, but it's something.

One other thing: I got my first vaccine dose this past Thursday, and my second dose is in a couple more weeks! I understand it will still be nearly a year at this rate, before enough people are vaccinated for life to start moving back to some kind of normalcy. I hope something speeds it up. I miss the unmasked, proximal world of yesteryear, and I can't wait for the post-pandemic party!
 
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