I should have known!

That's interesting! How wild is it that everything is on a spectrum like that? I'm not sure how I feel about overt ownership nuance; I might just be gun shy from being a monogamy trap for so long. I didn't mispeak; I was the trap. At least I'm in a place of clarity, for now. I'm making the best of it!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
That feeling of ownership is a feeling of oneness. It is bonding. This feeling is enhanced by the hormone oxytocin, that is released during sexual activities, but also when sharing food, actually sleeping together, cuddling, or breastfeeding. It's what ties humanity together, gives us compassion and patience with each other.

Why shouldn't we be bonded with more than one person? We humans have lived in small tribes or villages for the huge majority of our existence. Being bonded to our extended families in that way was necessary for our survival.

If you want to be meta, we are all ONE, since matter is an illusion and everything in the universe is just spinning electrons anyway.
 
That is such a refreshing take! If you read my latest blog, then you'll know that I agree with your statement about oneness, and I can see how that feeling can be safe and healthy, when channeled properly.

I'm not afraid of my feelings anymore, but I guess I am still wary of them. I don't want to give myself an excuse to fall back into old habits, so I'm being very critical of anything I feel gives me that ownership sense. Thank you for listing out some wholesome sources for that feeling. That will really help me to be comfortable confronting myself!
 
So, I'm out at the bar! It's Saturday night, and it's karaoke night. There's an nice looking girl singing exes and ohs, and she's killin' it! I'm not going spend a lot of time blogging tonight, but you're in for a good read anyway! I've been talking to a girl, and she inspired me to share my back story. I know I've shared a lot, but telling it to one person made it easier to dig deep and remember details. It felt good to share, and I want share it with everyone.

You should get comfortable for this!🙂

I was twenty four when I finally left home and got a place of my own. I had delayed, because I was pursuing an education in computer science, and even working full time, I still didn't have enough income to sign a lease. Once I got my associate's, and I couldn't afford to pursue a bachelor's, it was time for me to enter the world on my own. I rented a studio apartment from a friend of the family, and set about making it my bachelor pad. Futon, television, toaster oven and a giant computer desk - I was set! I was also frustratingly still chaste.

I didn't have much luck with girls as a teenager, beyond a couple of girls with whom I would canoodle between classes. I always thought I would make a good boyfriend; I was kind, honest, and sure I could be what any woman would want me to be! By the time I was living on my own, my chastity had begun to chafe. I tried talking to girls at the bookstore, I tried my luck at the Irish pub down by the beach. I just wasn't connecting with anyone.

Then I got an invitation from my friend, David. He was working as a journalist for Folio Weekly, a local publication about the sights and events in the city, and he was assigned to cover Planetfest - a two day rock festival at Metropolitan Park. He had an extra pass, and I figured it would be a good place to meet a girl! That's where I met Niki. I wish I could express with these words the scorn I feel when I remember her name.

It started out great! She was aminable to my advances, and after some kissing and groping, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place. As one does. When she said yes, I nearly flew her to my car! I was finally doing it! I felt like a man for the first time ever! My first evening with her was predictably euphoric. I got completely hypnotized. I told her I loved her that night.

I knew that I was supposed to wait to do that! But I felt it! I couldn't wait to tell her! She was not impressed. I wasn't her first, and she rolled her eyes and bemoaned getting involved with another virgin! That wasn't how I had imagined the night ending. That wasn't in the script. So I started trying. I went back to my relationship instructions and started doing nice things for her. A surprise picnic in the grass, another acquiescence to her impulsive material desires, whether or not we could afford it. I tried so hard to make her happy with me!

And she took full atvantage.

She knew I would invite her to live with me. I think that's why she often spoke of being treated unfairly by her family. She moved in and I went right over the edge. I didn't care about myself anymore. I was a noble hero come to her rescue. This is starting to sound more like that script again. I was on my way. When she cheated on me ...

I forgave her. I told her we could talk about this, and figure out a way for me to keep my heart invested in our relationship. It wasn't a long conversation, and I thought it went right. She promised me it would never happen again, and I threw my trust into that oath like a good boyfriend should! I'm only just now, as I type these words, seeing a very important significance to that forgiveness, and I'll bring that up later.



Months later, when she got bored and suggested experimenting with group sex, I got really excited. I remembered reading this on the back of the script once. Wanna spice up your relationship? Try kinky stuff together! It sounded like fun. Sex with more than one other person? And it could help our relationship? I was all in! The group we found ourselves with consisted of us, my cousin (who was like a bother to me, but totally damaged goods. He should get his own story), his girlfriend, and a guy friend of hers. It was all fun and dirty, and mostly what I expected. But it ended with a boundary of mine being crossed. A boundary that I was very clear about going in.

I lost it.

I actually tried to believe it didn't happen at first. Really tried! When I realized that it was real, I was broken. I got angry. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling! I wanted to make her regret! I took two fast steps toward her, backing her against a wall. My fists were clenched by my side. I put face close enough to hers to let her feel my agonized breath on her skin. I wanted her to fear me!

I've never struck a woman, and I would be ashamed to admit if I wanted to. My cousin pulled me back, worried that I was about to do violence. I dont blame him for that. I made it look that way on purpose. When he left the apartment with her, I was left alone with the broken pieces of my treasured relationship. I ripped the necklace from my neck, and threw it at the door as it closed behind them. She had bought that for me (with my money) at a world's fair years before, and I had worn it every second since. Breaking it was my first act as an individual. I packed my belongings, and I left.

I felt like I must have done something wrong. I couldn't have tried harder to be a good partner. Then I thought maybe it's all bullshit. Love, trust, commitment; it was a house of cards. I decided that the next woman I was with, I would treat like garbage. What's the point of investing so much, if it just leaves me open to heartbreak? I was very close to having it right, but not quite. And then I met Ms Fisher.
 
My parents' screened porch and brick patio were a favorite hang out spot for my parents and friends, my siblings and their friends, the neighbors, etc... We would play music, drink a little, pass a left-handed cigarette, and just chill. While I was staying with my parents after my breakup, I met her. She was on the screened porch talking to my brother. It was after dark, and Ms Fisher was about to need a ride home. The three of us just sat there chatting for a while, but my brother had slipped in the fact that I could give her a ride home. What a bro move! We hit it off right away, and I realized that there was no way I could treat her like garbage! It felt so good to make her laugh! I still wanted to be selfish, though. I wish I knew how important that feeling was when I still had it.

The ride home became a regular thing, and one night, we went for a walk. It was amazing! We held hands, and talked. I fell for her hard. I tried to kiss her that night, but she made we wait. We were both freshly broken up, and the next 6 weeks of walks were rapturously suspenseful! When she finally kissed me one night at the Irish pub, I literally howled into the din of live music and revelry! David was our designated driver for the night, and he graciously chauffeured us to the seaside, where we immediately had our way with each other! I felt free again! I felt alive! I fell in love! And I snapped the trap shut.

I knew how to be a good boyfriend, right? It wasn't my fault that I wasted so much effort on someone who betrayed my trust. I could see that she loved me too; she would never hurt me! What I didn't know, was that she was poly. Or rather, I didn't understand what it was. She told me one night, when I asked something about being together forever, that she has been in open relationships, and wouldn't mind if I still felt I had wild oats to sow. She told me she has been through that phase, and would be okay with monogamy, if that was what I wanted. Great! I remember this secret line from the back of the script! So I dont have to worry about her sleeping around, but I can still explore my sexuality without her getting jealous! Of course, this is something I'd want to do with her. Boy, did I read that wrong! And that's how I became a unicorn hunter.

I wasn't a very good unicorn hunter. I kept wondering how I could separate sex from the emotion. I felt like the act would be a dirty secret to try to satisfy some baser urge. I never got motivated to seek it out. A few years into our relationship - we have a son together now, in addition to her two other kids from previous relationships - we were staying with some friends while we were down on our luck. We were both exhausted and stressed out, and our relationship was starting to suffer. I didn't know what to do! The topic of maybe fooling around with our roommates came up, and it sounded like just the thing to spice up our relationship! A little kinky, naughty, deviant. So we gave it a shot! It was ... fun? I mean, it was sex, and there were lots of weird new emotions happening. Was this the spice? Ms Fisher and I both ended up having our boundaries, not crossed, really, but tested. The roommates started pressuring us to do things we weren't comfortable with. It didn't last.

Skip ahead to a couple of weeks ago, and Ms Fisher is struggling with a difficult emotional situation. She has a crush. It's not the first time, either. There have been a few times that she had feelings develop for someone, then chose to squash her feelings, or end the friendship, because she knew I wasn't ready. We've been together for nearly eleven years, we now have two boys together, and all this time she's been waiting for me to see what she sees in me. To see the man she fell in love with, and bring him back! So she brought up poly.

At first I thought that she was just reminding me of my free pass, and encouraging me to use it. Then she told me that once I'm comfortable with seeing other people, she'll want to do the same.

Oh.

Then she explained what polyamory means. It's not just about the sex, it's about building meaningful, lasting, loving relationships with whomever you want, whenever you want.

I see.

It was really hard for me to admit that I felt like I owned her. But I had to admit it before I could deal with it. I read an article on codependence, and it was like looking into a mirror. Everything changed.

Everything!

My story from there is mostly told as it happened with my other posts and the rest of my blog, but basically, I had an epiphany. I realized that I could deal with my emotions, and that I could have my own identity back! I realized how horrible monogamy was for me! I can't separate sex from emotion, and I never should have tried. Love is beautiful!

I mentioned earlier that I would go back to that forgiveness I talked about. Some of my last fears were tied up in wondering how I would react the first time Ms Fisher comes home from the arms of another man. But I know how I reacted when that happened before, and that situation was full of toxicity, and breach of trust! I'll be fine! If I feel things I dont like, I can talk about it. I can figure out where those feelings are coming from, and decide if that's something I want to harbor! After writing about forgiving Nikki, I had to stop writing to share that revelation with Ms Fisher. I told her what I had realized, and as I listened to her answering my questions, a brilliant fireball streaked across the sky over her head!

Every word I have written is true, though some of the details may sound fantastic, that fireball is not the first time I've borne witness to the incredible. I've seen St Elmo's fire on a thunderhead, cavorting with the lightnings therein. I saw a shining orb dancing on the horizon over the Bermuda Triangle. And ask me sometime about the real live unicorn I saw when I was a kid. Snowy white, with flowing mane and fletlocks, and a single, gleaming horn growing from the middle of its forehead! I can prove it true if you want, but I reccomend you hold on to the wonder for a while!

So that's my story so far. I hope you felt stuff with me! And for those of you wondering about my crisis earlier today, you'll be glad to know that story had a happy ending continuation! Of course I talked to Ms Fisher about it when she woke up. She was so happy that I find her sleepy voice so sexy! Before you tell me "See? You had nothing to worry about!" I'm glad I worried. It gave me a chance to confront some feelings I've been worried about. It was scary, and uncomfortable, but I handled it! And I don't know how well I would have handled it with out friends to turn to for support! Thank you, everyone! I love you all!
 
You guys! I cant wait to tell you about my night out last night! It was amazing!🤩
It's a bit of a story to tell, but it won't be as long as the one I posted last night.

That night that I saw the fireball over Ms Fisher's head was like magic reasserting its influence in my life. It should be obvious to anyone following my story, that this paradigm shift has for me been especially significant. I feel reborn. I asked Ms Fisher that night about the age of Aquarius - astrology is one of her interests. I knew we've been in the cusp for decades, but the date that she has always associated with it was only a few days away. Good enough! This is a dawning of a new age - for me at least - and I decided that this was my Aquarian Epiphany. I told her I was going to be actively looking for signs.

I had no idea what the universe had in store for me!

To begin, Ms Fisher has a lot of experience in the service industry, and I'm money stupid, so I rely on her advice on gratuity etiquette, and why not to hit on the bartender. She said cash was best, so they don't have to report it, but I only had two singles in my wallet. I found them on my bed and put them in my wallet on an impulse. Not my default behavior. Wasn't sure why I did it. Will be significant later.

So the plan was to stop at an ATM on the way to the bar. Google said they were open, the guy sweeping the floor said they were closed, but he let me use the ATM anyway. Was this a sign? The ATM was broken. Well, there's an ATM at the bar, no big deal. On to the bar, and their ATM is broken, too. Guess I'm using the card. So I rolled with the changes, ordered a beer, and got to work on last night's blog. I mentioned in that blog the karaoke girl singing exes and ohs, and I'm going to call her Jessie, instead of the karaoke girl.

By the time I finished the blog, there was someone else singing, and I saw that Jessie was actually the one running the karaoke. The guy singing, he'll be Ben, had a dry, flat monotone voice and he didn't move a muscle when he sang Horse with No Name. I just took it all in. The bad karaoke, the gaggle of seven woo girls waiting their turns. I didn't approach them. I'm no fool. I watched people walk in and give Jessie a big hug, so I knew they must be regulars. I struck up a conversation with one of them, I'll call him Hobo. (Not because he's homeless, it's just very similar to his actual nickname!) He gushed about the Cheers vibe here, and found we had a common acquaintance, Tramp. He's a precocious old drunkard with a big heart, and the connection instantly made me feel more at home. Everybody was taking turns singing, and I was thinking about jumping in and belting out Power of Love by Hewey Lewis, but I wasn't done with my second beer, and I didn't have the nerve. The woo girls left, and I realized there weren't al lot of girls left to sing too, so yeah. Jessie sang Ode to Billy Joe, and it gave me those screened porch nostalgia feels. Maybe she'd be an appreciative audience for me? Nah. Don't have the guts. I also never asked Ms Fisher about karaoke DJ tip etiquite. When do I tip? How much? Too much pressure. Another night.

On my third beer, I saw another regular I knew, and we swapped some jokes, while Ben filled the room with his one note. I ended up sitting alone at the bar again, and started wondering if Jessie would wander to the bar before I finished my last beer. She never did, and I just rode out the good feelings the night had brought me. It felt almost choreographed, and I felt content. It was fantastic! I was just about done with my last beer, and I had stopped looking for signs. I was happy with the way the night went, and that was enough. I decided it was time to settle my tab.

And then Jessie picked up the microphone.

One more song, sure. Her voice is beautiful, it'll be a great way to end the night! What's she going to sing?

I told you I had stopped looking for signs. When I saw the name of the song she and a friend were about to sing, I was ... overcome. It was Age of Aquarius! I almost cried! I almost cried in the bar!! I was transfixed. The song was like a siren's call. If this isn't a sign, nothing is! I got lost in the triumphant refrian: Let the sun shine in! It was perfect!

When the song finished, Jessie put on a song for a drunk Asian dude with a backwards ball cap to butcher, and started talking to Ben. I wished I had the nerve to just walk over there and talk. I didn't think I had it in me that night, until I was five paces from my barstool, and headed in her direction! Well this is happening, I guess! As I approached her table, I saw her tip jar, and instinctively went for my wallet. Funny how I just happened to have two dollars in there, even though I never found a working ATM. I kneeled down to her eye level across the table and asked if she does this regularly. She does, most Friday and Saturday nights. I told her I hoped to see her again soon, because I want to tell her how meaningful it was to me that she sang that song, this night. Her face lit up! She was so glad it made me happy, and said she's looking forward to hearing about it! I asked her name, and got it with a handshake and a smile, told her my name, thanked her for the song, and stepped away. I settled my tab, wrote in a good tip, finished my beer, and walked home.

I know I fall in love fast, and I just got a message from the universe, but don't worry that I'll fixate. You see, whether or not anything romantic develops with Jessie, she could be a very ... handy friend to have. She DJs karaoke on Friday and Saturday nights at my local bar. She knows all the girls! If I'm in good with her, Im set!

In case anyone has forgotten, magic is real!
 
So I was waiting outside for my friend Kevin (the old friend I caught up with the other night). He was bringing me some tools I needed to replace the wiper motor on my car. It was raining on and off, and I missed a day of work for the repair. The sky was clear then, and I saw a single-prop fixed wing fly low overhead. It's not unusual, my town has a lot of airstrips. Then another flew by, and a minute later, another, then ... Oh! Same plane. Flying in circles.I R genius. Why was it circling? I'm not sure, but it looked to me like a student pilot, feeling out his new wings and practicing his turns. Relatable. I had a friend on the way to help me do the work to see more clearly when the rain falls. Strangely metaphorically appropriate.

I'm not the only one seeing things like this more and more. I'm hearing stories from friends and family of more and more synchronicities in their lives lately. Some have even spoken of recent epiphanies that changed their lives for the better! If you have noticed more synchronicities your life lately, tell us about them! I want to know just how universal this is!

I got in touch with another old friend today: David! I've worked with him, lived with him, partied with him, and he's been there for a lot of my dark days, liberated days, and transformational events. Fitting that he was a journalist; it's almost a shame he didn't cover that story.

He surprised me with a ... situation ... that he just so happens to be in while I'm calling him and gushing about my big epiphany. So relevant. I won't go into details, because it's his situation to tell, if I can convince him to come and join the conversation! He's a smart, open-minded, non-judgmental, monogamist. I'm not trying to convert him. I know I'm in a predictable guru phase right now. But he has some genuine concern that I might be doing this for the wrong reasons. I'd like for him to understand the philosophy well enough to see that, for me, monogamy feels like a cult I've left behind, and that this new outlook isn't just me chasing the NRE dragon. There's so much in my life that has been affected positively by my new outlook, that I feel like it has potential value to his life, if he can believe that I'm really as happy as I claim.

I hope I didn't get too preachy on that hours-long call, and I hope you all get a chance to meet him sometime!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I just wonder where these bars are where people are spraying their saliva out into the room singing, and are shaking hands and all that weird-ass stuff you are reporting! Jesus. Those kinds of things are super-spreader events here in the US. Maybe you're living in a magical hippie Aquarius rainbow land. ;)
 
No, I'm just taking risks right now. I'm in the US, too. That's a good reminder for me to be aware of the risks I'm taking, and making sure they are wisely measured. I don't regret my impulsiveness; that night's reward was well worth the risk, in my view. Thank you, though. It would be easy for me to take a careless step right now, with my head in the clouds!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Oh my god
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I mean, "worth the risk..." You're not just risking your life, you're risking the life-long health and lives of the others in the bar, your wife, your children, other family members and friends in your bubble, and the other bar-hoppers' spouses, kids, parents, grandparents. Don't you keep to a safe bubble, like most people should be?
 
The safe bubble has been my home for most of my life. I'm itching from a lot more than one year of isolation. Bad timing for finding myself, it seems.
 
Melancholy. Is that the right word? I have to admit, I don't always know the correct definition of the words I use. I decided as a child that honestly was the only way worth saying anything. I also never had a great memory, for most things. I find it easiest to remember things I understand. I am pretty smart, and I have a quick wit, so I think I have a good strategy. If something matters to me, I try to understand it. If I can do that, I can reconstruct what I want to remember, instead of just memorizing it. When I speak, or when I write, I do my best to speak honestly about what I understand. Sometimes I'll use a word, not really knowing it's definition - just because it feels right. Am I feeling melancholy?

I'm sure most of you are already nodding your head, relating to when the euphoria ebbed for you. Eventually, the suffering returns. Not the tragic kind, like deep loss or physical agony. Just the everyday exposure to life's confounding machinations, unbuffered now by that brief candle of rapture.

I think I've been starved for attention, and I have none but myself to blame for that. People would try to talk to me, but I would only hear them if they were addressing my role in my relationship with Ms Fisher. And Ms Fisher? I couldn't appreciate her words any more than I could a voice in my own head.

Ms Fisher's new relationship with Pete is still developing well, as far as I can tell. Between our sleep patterns, stalled now opposite one another, her budding new career, my nine-to-five... I miss her. I see her every day, but our interactions are becoming much less frequent.

The attention that I've gotten from this community, and from all of my friends these past days has been a life preserver for me. You've kept me from feeling alone, and I can't thank you enough for that. I don't want Ms Fisher to think that I'm upset she's spending most of her time talking to Pete. It's not the only thing she does. It's just that whatever else she's doing, it's wrapped in conversation with him. Any time I have something to say to her, I wonder if it's worth interrupting. I'm trying not to do that if I'm motivated by jealousy, but even if it's not jealousy, it still seems inconsiderate unless it's really important. How important is it if I just want her attention? I really don't know the answer to that.

I know this will get easier. I see all of you enjoying multiple relationships, and long distance ones! You're accustomed to the finitude of each encounter, so I know I'll be able to adapt. I just hope I don't say the wrong thing, trying to be honest, but not undertanding what my reconstructed words speak in the next person's ear.

The fear hasn't returned; I was afraid it might. I thought I would react to a dip in my mood by curling up and trying to hide. I didn't. I came here. Not because I thought it was the right medicine, but because I wanted to. I know someone will read this, and understand how I feel.

Is it melancholy?
 

Evie

Moderator
It's just that whatever else she's doing, it's wrapped in conversation with him.

Sounds more like you're rather in the middle of displacement in poly hell.
 
Thank you for that, Evie! That was on point!

I read that whole article and realized that a lot of my needs are more valid than I was giving them credit for. I got the notification for the above reply while writing a piece on feeling like an attention whore. I think I'm being too hard on myself. People need attention, and if I'm not getting enough, I need to say something about it. The part that really got me is where it mentioned that the partner with the outside relationship relies on the stability of their primary relationship to hold under the strain. If I dont speak up about this, I'm enabling her ignorance of that strain, and her faith in our relationship would be its downfall. That would be a bitter irony indeed. Good article, thank you!
 

tdh

Member
I miss her.
Do let her know and make some time to reconnect.

I don't want Ms Fisher to think that I'm upset she's spending most of her time talking to Pete.
It is hard to support NRE and trama bonding is a hard thing to deal with if that is what it is. Personally having done it before it can be healthy and unhealthy at the same time. You can sometimes feel heard and seen and find and ally or you could just be picking old wounds to relive the blood letting. Hard to tell until the reflection of it all in the past...

Any time I have something to say to her, I wonder if it's worth interrupting.
Talk about an agreement on communication. You need communication but you also want their relationship to go well. Its a hard balance.
Is it melancholy?
This has a pretty negative connotation. You might be in a bit if a grief cycle though. In the end, it can be more than just one emotion too. It doesn't have to be black and white....good or bad...up or down...the world has infinite dimensions of space but it is hard to see past point a and b when they are so obvious.
 
Okay, early blog today. I'm feeling hurt right now over an exchange between Ms Fisher and me this morning. I'm going to talk about it, and I want to acknowledge right up front that all you are hearing is my perspective. I might miss something important, and not know that I'm not giving the whole story. I'll try.

Last night, Ms Fisher had some work to do. She's going after her goals, and I'm happy about that. I told her last night that if she gets a chance, when she finished, I'd welcome some company in bed. She didn't finish until 4:30 AM, which is not unusual right now. When I woke up, I told her I was disappointed that she didn't make it to bed. I also reminded her that I did say something about it last night. That might have been a trigger. I had just woken up, and I may have have been a little emotional. She seemed to think I was trying to send her on a guilt trip. She told me why she was up so late, and I told her that it made sense, and that I'm not holding it against her.

Now would be a good time to mention that we've also just decided to quit smoking. It was motivated by a financial pinch, so it's not an "us" project. We were just both motivated by the same thing.

So, stresses are high, and I tried to tell her why I mentioned it. I got a very good reading recommendation last night, when I expressed my feeling lonely. It reminded me that I should be more vocal about my needs. I tried talking to her about that. She seemed to think I was arguing why she should feel bad about last night. She told me that we just quit smoking, and that might be making me reactionary. I asked her to read the article, to see where I was comming from. I don't want feel like I have to hold my tongue to avoid a fight. I don't want to fight.

Tensions escalated, and I felt she was using my statement about having said something last night as a weapon against me. I may have had an emotional weak moment, where I put a little too much emphasis on having spoken up, and she latched onto that as a reason to be angry with me. I told her she was projecting. I told reminded her that I'm not mad about last night, and this was about my long standing issue of not being willing to speak up about my needs. Then I saw that she was still in a phone call with Pete.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel a trace of jealousy at the thought, but I realized that we were having this spat with him in the room. I told her I was leaving for work, and I left. It was an hour early. I am concerned for how Pete will respond to this. If I'm right about him, he'll talk to Ms Fisher, and help her deal with the stressors she's confronting right now. I think once she reads that article, she'll see that I wasn't attacking her. Part if me worries that Pete will capitalize on our rift, take "her side," and convince her that I am the asshole. I have no reason to believe he would do that. He seems like a great guy, and I'm sorry that he had to hear our exchange.

I've never seriously considered my option to leave. I realized today that I could. Not just that I physically could, but if my efforts to communicate are met with this kind of hostility, I would have the emotional fortitude to end the relationship. I'm nowhere near that point. This is just a misunderstanding amid a lot of stressful circumstances. But I'm going to stand up for myself now. Not about being stood up last night - I do get logistics - but about being honest about how I'm feeling without worrying that she will react angrily.

I feel like I blundered. I always feel that way when we argue. Is there something I should have done differently?


Edit: I am not airing this out in the hopes that the community will take "my side." I may have been projecting my desire for such when I expressed my concern for how Pete might respond. I just want to know if I'm missing anything. If I did things right, and I just need to be patient to see how this plays out, I can accept that. But Ms Fisher isn't telling her story here, so her viewpoint may not be being fairly represented.
 
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tdh

Member
Is there something I should have done differently?
Another way to look at this might be, "How would you like to do things differently?" That way you can think about how you want the relationship to be for yourself, Ms. Fisher, and Pete and bring it to all parties attention including yourself to work on. With all the details like how you expressed, how you feel reacted to, how you feel about sharing a vulnerable moment with Pete in real time too, and how you feel about this new knowledge of expressing, disengaging, and then coming back to discuss or work on later.

These all sound new to the relationships and while you may not know the answer to them or others you think of, it's a start of recognizing a change and a how do you want to grow from it and how do you hope the relationship might grow from it.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
The only time I feel I blundered is when I think of arguments or points I didn’t make. The way this is described you made your points and unfortunately she couldn’t or wouldn’t absorb them as being delivered. Without a transcript I don’t really think you blundered. So you might want to let yourself off that hook.

And in hindsight you should have given her the reading material follow up on its being read, talk about the relevant topic in the material .ie poly hell or whatever ....AND THEN SET cuddle date or action plan to smooth things over.

ITS unclear from your post if it was your expectation that she’d read that and then make more of an effort to demonstrate some type of team spirit OR did she express understanding your concern and the ideas backing up your concern ie the reading material and agreed to a late night ...early morning “ connection time “ ?

AS you say her side isn’t represented other than how you remember it HOWEVER .....I VERY VERY much think she crossed a line with knowing this discussion/ argument was going out to a 3rd party least of which is in someways involved. LOTS of ways to handle that either stop you because I’m on the phone or ....I’m sorry I have to hang up now I’ll call you back.

ALSO I think you made the right move in leaving even if it was an hr early👍. I’m assuming from previous posts about your codependency that walking away like this is a departure which is good. It should send a signal that lots of changes are happening and that your words and actions have meaning.
 
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Another way to look at this might be, "How would you like to do things differently?"

You're right. Forward thinking is going to better for me right now than getting stuck on second guessing my actions. I expressed how I felt, and I got a bad reaction. Now I have all these feelings that I'm trying to deal with. I hope Ms Fisher can recognize that I'm really trying to do this right. I'm trying not to beg for her time, and to be patient. I'm willing to push through this phase of mine, but it's hard when I feel like she's not motivated to seek out any time with me. It took me three days to get her to give me one hour of her time. I wanted to tell her about some really nice things I've been experiencing, but it was going to take some set up, because she's so behind on my story. I got my hour, and her complete attention for that hour. I got her to read my blog entry about Saturday night out. She's a fast reader, and I get that, but I don't think she was really interested at all. I watched her face as she read, waiting to see her crack a smile at one of my jokes, or ... anything. She plowed through it, let me tell her what I wanted to say, and even seemed to appreciate the point I was making. I just couldn't shake the feeling that she was just waiting for me to be done, so she could carry on with her own business. I need more than that. Not all of her time or attention, just to see that she wants a little of my time.

When I started posting here, I wanted her to read my posts and blog, because I wanted it to be something that we were doing together. I was fighting that at the time, so I didn't press her. I just let her know that what I was sharing was public, and she's welcome to read it any time, if she wants to know where my head is, since we don't have much face to face time lately. After a while, when I realized that I was being inspired to write, I felt like this was something she would like to see more of. So I started writing her letters. I told her that I shared a document online, and that I would periodically update it. I was doing really well expressing myself with words, and she deserved to be a recipient of my newfound way of communicating. I know she's read it once, but she's given me no indication that she has revisited it. It seems like she's giving me the attention I'm specifically asking for as a platitude, and that shes just waiting for me to finish talking so she can go back to whatever else she was doing. She's not seeking out any of my time, or even taking five minutes out of her day to seek out the words I leave for her. I want her to come and join the conversation here, but I don't know if she'll be open to that, or if that would even be helpful.

I would like to have followed up on her reading that article on poly hell, but I don't think she was planning on ending her conversation with Pete to read it before I would have to leave for work anyway. I left early because I felt unable to continue constructively. I have a feeling that's going to be thrown in my face as "shutting down communication." The communication was already gone. It was descending into a firestorm of guilt and blame. I hope she's ready to talk about this calmly, later today. Maybe tomorrow. I might just go hang out with Kevin tonight.

I thought I was doing a crap job of dealing with my feelings of isolation and being replaced. When I read that article, and saw that a lot of people don't even want to be in the room when their partner is interacting with their meta (is that the right word?), I realized that I'm actually handling this very well, considering the lack of support Ms Fisher seems to be motivated to provide for me. I hope I can find a way to express this to her without making her think I'm accusing her of abandoning me. I really do get wanting to spend all of your time with someone, especially in a new relationship. I'm trying to get out of that mindset, but it seems she's diving right into it with Pete, and I feel very much left out right now.
 
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