I think I need some kind words...

[Zeggplant]

Hi everyone,

I've been having kind of an emotional breakdown since yesterday... I've already wrote my situation in details on the life stories part so I won't do it again here, but basically I am in a mono relationship but have also been in love with a second person for 3 months now.

Sleepwalker (said person) and I have been friendly texting for the past few weeks and have met last Sunday for a writing project we started together. While I really enjoy the casual chats and the serious-ish tone we can have sometimes, I can't help but crave for more. I deeply wish I could be tender and sweet to him.

I cannot though, as my boyfriend nor Sleepwalker would understand that I can love both. I try to think that things will evolve by themselves as time goes by but it's getting really hard sometimes not to tease or flirt with him...

So, yeah, I am a bit in need of kind words that I can't have anywhere else but here, none of my friends really understand my situation, they all say I should decide which one I love, which is ridiculous in my opinion...

 

[tenK]

You asked for kind words. I think what I say might be painful to hear, but I think it's kinder to say it than not.

You truly do not know what either of them would think about poly until you ask. Yes, you think you know. And certainly, you know them better than I. However, right now it sounds like you are rolling around in a pain of your own making, ruminating over 'what ifs' and not having a clear handle on 'what is'.

I get that you are afraid of losing your boyfriend, but if your crush is reaching to the point of making you feel like you are having an emotional breakdown, then I think it's time to be honest. If boyfriend is 100% mono AND 100% against being in an open relationship, and you are of the habit of falling in love with multiple people, then this relationship has no future. Same for crush. You also, at this point in time, do not even know if your feelings for crush are reciprocated. So rather than wallow in the negative feelings, you need to be proactive and change some things about the situation. And the good news is that you are in control of your own life, and you CAN make proactive decisions. One of those decisions could be to disclose your crush to your boyfriend and see how he reacts. A different decision could be to understand that if your crush feelings are not adding something positive to your life, you can simply stop nurturing them and let them fade away. Another decision could be to simply bring up the topic of open relationships with your boyfriend, without disclosing you currently have a crush, and see if that's something he would be interested in. Or you could break up with your partner, and take some time out to really figure out if poly is part of your identity, or merely a thing you would choose to go for if other's in your life were on board.

Most people experience attraction to people outside of their relationships - whether those relationships are open or closed. This is a normal feeling. Normally when I'm crushing on someone, it's a nice feeling. I don't usually feel compelled to act upon my feelings though - even though my relationship is open - because it takes more than happy sexy feelings towards someone in order for that person to be compatible with me and my life. Being objective here, it sounds to me like you are feeding this fantasy in a slightly unhealthy way. You say you've been in love with him for 3 months. I would argue you've simply got the hots for him. For me, love requires reciprocity, and a deeper connection than hanging out together a few times. Of course, I'm someone who believes that it IS possible to love multiple people at the same time, but I wouldn't in all honesty consider advising you to pursue something with this man. Not only has your boyfriend not given his consent to be in a poly relationship, but you simply do not know this guy well enough to shake up your whole life for. However, I do think you could work on letting this guy go, and then approach boyfriend for more information on his willingness to be open. If you simply being honest about your feelings causes him to want to leave you, then it is a bullet well dodged. I wouldn't want to build a long-term future around someone who couldn't even handle me talking about feelings that I had no intention of acting upon without consent.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Bluebird]

100% what tenK said.

You are creating this drama in your life. You can end all these mixed up feelings by being honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Let the crush go for now and focus on the relationship you have. If you want to work on opening with your boyfriend, then do that. There is no point in dragging it out - if you're not compatible, waiting to have the talk won't change that. It'll just cause more heartache for you.

I don't believe the choice here is to choose one or the other. Instead, the decision is being honest about who you are and what you need in a relationship. It sounds like to me, what that is involves poly. You need to be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend, and then move forward from there.

 

[Zeggplant]

You are both right, and I know that at some point I will have to talk to my boyfriend. However now is definitely not the time for more "drama" in his life since he has a lot of family problems. Moreover we aren't very good at commutating with each other, and while I used to talk a lot about my thoughts and feelings with my exes, with Be it's a bit more complicated.

I've always acted upon my feelings and my beliefs, but sometimes I just cannot be straightforward since I do not want to rush anything. But I've been through worse than that, I've dealt with social anxiety and have beaten it (well, it's still around sometimes but you get the idea) and same with depression. I'm saying that so you won't imagine that I'm prone to hide behind my problems.

I just have no idea how to act now, are those feelings, that are strengthening, just a crush? I'm starting to believe that it was at first, but as I began to know Sleepwalker better I started falling for him for real. And even if I always thought that polyamoury was pretty cool I never had to wonder about my own identity. I've had several crushes but never really fell in love (well it happened once with Be and I left my ex because our relationship wasn't working at all at that time).

I know that Sleepwalker likes me too. He hasn't told me directly but words travel around. Also I can see how he looks at me every time he makes a joke, how he enjoys talking to me even though he always push others away, how he tells me compliments even though he never usually compliment anyone. I've known him for a year but started falling for him last August, and I saw his behavior change towards me...

Sorry for the long answer. Yes, I asked for kind words because I do not want to rush anything, I am new to all this and I do not want to hurt anyone more than necessary... Which means I can't act right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I hope you are able to decide something soon so you can feel better soon.

To me feelings ensue after behavior.

Right now the behavior is that you have been been friendly texting for the past few weeks with Sleepwalker and have met last Sunday for a writing project you started together. In other words, spending more time together than you used to. There's an attraction developing as a result. So basically your behaviors are fueling your crush on him -- keeps the brain chemistry going.

You have not discussed Open relationships with your BF. Nor with Sleepwalker. If you are going to pursue, I suggest you have a talk with BF first, and then with Sleepwalker.

If you know these people well, and you know that they have no interest in such a thing because they've said so?

• Then your new behavior could be to stop hanging around Skywalker until the crush fades down. Then new feelings of "relief" could ensue.

If you have learned you have a personal limitation at this time that you are not yet ready to change? You are not willing/able to bring things up that concern you in an up front, open, honest way?

• Then your new behavior could be to accept this about yourself at this time and let this crush go. (Leads to "relief" feelings.)
• Or let this crush go PLUS work on yourself and your skills so you become less passive a communicator. (Leads to "relief" and "more confidence in my skills.")

If you love many, you will crush again. Working on your skills could make the next experience be less laden with suffering.

Sorry for the long answer. Yes, I asked for kind words because I do not want to rush anything, I am new to all this and I do not want to hurt anyone more than necessary... Which means I can't act right now.

So instead of seeking clear communication from people... you choose to hurt YOURSELF?

If you love many people? One of them has to be loving YOU.

You ask for kindness. I think you could treat you more kindly than you are treating you.

It is not kind to yourself to be....

• fueling a crush you know is a dead end (because you know BF and Skywalker don't want any part of poly)

• fueling a crush when you know it is a non-starter (Because you are not willing to actually ask these people if they are up for it or not because you do not actively communicate "up front and direct." You hang around "hoping" -- which is a passive approach that makes you feel comfortable in the short run because then you don't have to speak up, but later makes you upset because you are not getting the communication/answers you wish to know.)

• Fueling a crush that goes nowhere rather than let it fade so you can be free of emotional breakdown. Instead you keep the emotional break down process going.

I think you could stop hurting yourself this way. I think you could decide how you want to proceed. I would plump for communication with these people. It's a win either way for you.

• If they are not interested? Win! You get to KNOW and end the not-knowing suffering.
• If they are interested? Win! You get to KNOW and end the not-knowing suffering. Then start talking about the next steps.

Again... I am very sorry you struggle. I sincerely hope you are able to decide something soon so you can feel better soon.

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

You're right GalaGirl, I know it's nonsense to let myself being hurt in order to prevent others being hurt... I've always been like that. I also said on my life story post that I am addicted to the intense feelings of having a crush, which is why I just let the crush for Sleepwalker happen and thought it would just pass as usual. I didn't expect it to last so long, or become so deep...

Be and I have always had communication problems but I always assumed that since we're going for a long run together it can improve little by little (which is already true, we've both evolved a lot about that). I never thought such an impactful encounter would occur :/

I think the main goal now for me is to stop texting Sleepwalker during the day, it's what I used to do with Be in the beginning and I have to say I used to be kind if dependant of one of my ex with whom I would text non stop. I just realized today that even though it was 6 years ago, I get the craving just the same if Sleepwalker doesn't answer or if I have to wait until I have some free time at work to talk to him. I don't know whether it is craving the omnipresence or missing him, which is not pleasant either ^^;

So, yeah, instead of talking to him all day I'll slow down that and maybe talk to Be instead (even though he barely answers because he's at work and has been crazy busy for the past few weeks). But I still intend to talk to Be when things calm down at work and in his family (his mom tried to kill herself last week... so, yeah, I can't really have a Big Talk with him for now, he's already emotionally charged), but I have to say that I am really scared he won't understand. He loves me very much but he is kind of traditional and his ex cheated on him so I am afraid he won't be as open as I wish he could be...

I have another question : Sleepwalker hasn't done anything explicit to show his feelings, so do you think I should tell him there *is* something going on in my point of view or can I just enjoy when we are friendly to each other ? (I don't intend to stop working with him on his writing project, it's really important to me and doesn't require for us to meet irl now that we've covered the basics)
Maybe I just should roll with is as long as he doesn't say anything and remain friendly. I can't just avoid him for several reasons (the writing project, but also because he comes to some events that I organize on a forum, and he also comes to the roleplay days that we have with other people) so I guess it would be easier to just pretend that I got suddenly busy all day and simply talk to him less often?

Thank you for your advices. It's hard reading and understanding the truth, but for this one time I simply cannot afford staying in my fantasies because I know that one day or another I'll end up misbehaving, either by cheating on my bf or by hurting myself more than I can take...

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat back in my own words what I think I am hearing. You correct me if I am wrong. I quote just to visually block it off.

PLAN TO END MY SUFFERING

VALUES

• I don't want to live in my fantasies / lose myself in escapism.
• I want to deal with my life as it is now.

• I don't want to misbehave in my relationships. Either by cheating on my bf or by hurting myself more than I can take... ( I grey that part out. You are your own best champion. Your goal for your self care could be "I do not hurt myself." That's a better self care goal than "I hurt myself some. But I don't hurt me more than I can take." Why hurt yourself at all? Why be your own bully? )

GOAL

• Seek clear communication about the things I want to know.
• Not let this crush run amok or pursue dating others until I find out the things I need to know.

1) Be

• Talk to Be about my desire to have an Open relationship. I will schedule a time to have this talk with Be by X date.
• It cannot be this week because he is swamped at work and his mom just attempted suicide. So I am willing to postpone scheduling the talk in light of these things so I am not overloading him. I am not willing to postpone the talk forever. Hence my plan to talk to him by X date.

2) Skywalker

• Stop texting Sleepwalker so much during the day.
• Stop seeing him IRL, because the story project basics have been set up, and we don't need to do that any more for the project.
• Figure out how to behave when we bump into each other at other things like the forum I do and role-play days. (You cannot manage to be polite/friendly? Like you would be to anyone else? )

3) Me

• Find a constructive way to deal with my anxiety/fear.
  • I am really scared Be won't understand.
  • I am afraid he won't be as open as I wish he could be.
  • (unspoken: I am afraid that if Be is not into Open relationships, I will next have to think about breaking up with Be so I am able to pursue dating Sleepwalker in a clean way. I don't want to become a cheater.)

Is that where you are at for now?

Sleepwalker hasn't done anything explicit to show his feelings, so do you think I should tell him there *is* something going on in my point of view or can I just enjoy when we are friendly to each other ?

• You are / are not currently in a Closed relationship.
• You telling Sleepwalker that you have a crush on him at this time does/does not currently break your relationship agreements with Be. Would telling people you crush on them count as "cheating" according to your shared agreements?

Only you can answer that because only you know your arrangements with Be. I do not know them.

If I had to guess? I am guessing this is a Closed relationship at this time and you telling some other guy you crush on him would be a problem. So don't talk to Skywalker before talking to Be.

In the privacy of your head? You can enjoy whatever you want. You are free to think as you please. Thinking things is not a crime.

In the stuff you do, how you behave? There you may have agreements to keep or agreements to change or agreements to disband first. Figure out which kind it is.

I guess it would be easier to just pretend that I got suddenly busy all day and simply talk to him less often?

Why do you feel the need to pretend anything? I greyed that whole middle bit out. You could just simply talk to him less often because that is easier on you at this time.

If he has questions about your change in behavior, he can ask you directly and seek clear communication for himself.

Don't go around "pre-explaining or pre-excusing yourself" to people just in case they feel hurt. You are allowed to take up the space you do in the world. You don't have to be apologizing for it.

You could work on this tendency:

I know it's nonsense to let myself being hurt in order to prevent others being hurt... I've always been like that.

If you have always behaved like that in the past... and you don't seem to like it and think it is nonsense behavior today? What's stopping you from changing that behavior?

The person you are trying to "protect" or whatever might not even care about the thing you are worrying so much over. They can handle their own emotional management without you trying to "pre-do" it for them.

You cannot spend your life "on alert" trying to fend X off so other people don't "get hurt." Or spend your life trying to do their emotional management for them like some kind of helicopter stage mom who won't let people do things for themselves. That's a good way to burn out and lose your own sense of self.

You could just be you and do only your jobs. Could let other people be them and let them do their jobs.

I wonder why you feel the need to be doing other people's jobs for them? Are your thoughts going something like "I have to fend it all off and/or do their emotional management for them. So then they don't get hurt . (unspoken: Because when they get hurt, I am afraid they are going to blame everything on me and go volcano on my head."

Is that it?

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Well, GalaGirl, what you just said is very accurate on so many levels, and I feel so blessed that you came across my post and took some time to answer it.

It's past midnight here and I'll go to bed in a minute or so, so I'll just answer your "why" question with a brief (as brief as possible) history of my life and Be's.

1) I grew up with just my mom and her family until I was 12. She and my dad had already broken up when she found out she was pregnant, and she decided to keep the baby even though her parents were against it. I grew up very close to her, we were like a team and I felt responsible for her. When she met my step dad, got pregnant and then married, I decided to detach myself from her and become adult as fast as I could so that she wouldn't have to spend her energy on my since she finally had a "normal" family with my step dad. She never asked for this but I did it anyway. Ensued self harm (I am 1,5 years sober of that), a lot of confined emotions that I wanted to deal on my own, and so on.

2) Be's mom always had a lot of psychological troubles. I don't know a lot about it, but I know that she was hospitalized for a few years at some point and he and his younger brothers had to live in an institution. His mom never was very adult in her head and he pretty much took care of his entire family at the age of 12. No self harm on his side but a lot of confined feelings too, and a lot of anger management issues.

When we got together I was starting a therapy to get rid of my crippling social anxiety. He didn't know how to handle me when I was feeling bad, and I didn't know how to ask for help, so he just let me deal with all this. Depression was eve worse, as he couldn't bear the fact that I was depressed so not only he didn't help me but he also made things worse.
Since then a lot of things happened and he got a lot better, especially when I said that I was thinking aboutoving out and living alone again. He (on his own) changed a lot of his behavior and since then things are getting better and better. But there are still scars of our separate paths and our common past. I got used to not tell when things are wrong because he can't handle it and thus is not always nice to me when I already don't feel well. He doesn't talk a lot either, so I don't really know what's going on unless I ask specifically. This too is starting to get better, but since he refused to see a therapist it's going to take a looooong time...

Okay that's it for the "short" summary. I'll answer the rest tomorrow.
Thank you so much for answering to me. Those weren't the comfort I was looking for but now that I feel better and that my thoughts are clearer, I can see that it is so much more and so much better...

 

[Zeggplant]

Also, a lot of people ask me why I stayed with Be when I was feeling bad and he didn't help me at all. I stayed because I could see how happy we could be, and I trusted home enough to endure it until he was able to let go of his bad habits and build an actual "couple" instead of being two loners. And I was right : we are just as I figured, very happy together...

On another side note, he never got physically violent but when I talk about anger issues I mean not talking to me for a week (we live together), telling me awful stuff that hurt me a lot... He doesn't do that anymore but the damages did happen and I cannot simply ignore that. Yes I am afraid of him and of how bad it could be if he really doesn't understand.

He changed a lot for the sake of our relationship but I am afraid all this will be for nothing if I tell him what's going on.

Okay I have to go to bed now, I'll tell a bit more tomorrow. Thanks again, like a thousand of thank yous !

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Zeggplant,

From the sound of things, your best bet is to wait a long time, then tell Be about your interest in polyamory, then tell Sleepwalker what's going on. This way you're not hiding anything, but you're also accepting things the way they are.

I presume you would not want to break up with Be in order to start something up with Sleepwalker?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Those weren't the comfort I was looking for but now that I feel better and that my thoughts are clearer, I can see that it is so much more and so much better...

I am glad it helped you some. I hope some rest and sleep helps too.

It sounds like you needed to tell your story and unburden some. I am sorry to hear about your troubled past.

After you rest? You could decide you are better off just shelving this whole poly conversation for now. And focusing on sorting this first:

I got used to not tell when things are wrong because he can't handle it and thus is not always nice to me when I already don't feel well.

That sounds unpleasant. What behavior does he do?

he never got physically violent but when I talk about anger issues I mean not talking to me for a week (we live together), telling me awful stuff that hurt me a lot... He doesn't do that anymore but the damages did happen and I cannot simply ignore that. Yes I am afraid of him and of how bad it could be if he really doesn't understand.

Hon, why are you with someone damages you and that you are afraid of? Any of these reasons?

Are you in a domestic violence situation? But not realizing it because it hasn't gotten to fists yet? Or hesitant to label it that way?

Or is it that you do realize this is abusive/damaging behavior, and you do want the bad behavior to stop. But you don't want to leave Be to be free of it, so you are hoping he will just stop it so you don't have to leave? So you choose to "endure?" So whatever past investment will be "worth in in the end?"

Are you still in therapy? Have you told your therapist these things and asked for help sorting it out?

Also, a lot of people ask me why I stayed with Be when I was feeling bad and he didn't help me at all. I stayed because I could see how happy we could be, and I trusted home enough to endure it until he was able to let go of his bad habits and build an actual "couple" instead of being two loners. And I was right : we are just as I figured, very happy together...

Relationships are not things to be endured. They are things to invest and participate in that hopefully bring joy to the participants. If you are afraid of your partner, what kind of "happiness" is that?

I think a break in bullying is not "happy." You might feel relief, glad there is a break, etc. But it just means "less mean/bully stuff is happening to me right now." It does not mean "Happiness, joy, and good treatment of me" has arrived.

Since then a lot of things happened and he got a lot better, especially when I said that I was thinking about moving out and living alone again. He (on his own) changed a lot of his behavior and since then things are getting better and better.

How long ago was this? Are you in the honeymoon part of the cycle? Where the person treats you better temporarily and then the merry go round slowly starts back up again?

If you try to leave again, will he stop you? Like "If I cannot have you, nobody can!"

Again... Relationships are not things to be endured. They are two-way street efforts to participate in that hopefully bring joy into your life and joy into theirs. Not just them getting the bulk of the receiving and you being sucked dry to the point of you joining in and hurting yourself too. That's not getting much return for your investment.

It sounds like you have grown up with this idea that you were this "inconvenience" and it is always YOUR job to "make things work" for people. Even at your expense. Cutting and depression are very serious.

It's not your job to "make it work" with Be. It is your job to take good care of you. And part of taking good care of you is keeping you away from damaging people.

I could be wrong in my impression. But I am concerned you have grown so used to people overstepping boundaries with you that you might not recognize hurtful behavior toward you until it gets to hitting. While the other stuff is hurtful too -- hurting you mentally, emotionally, etc. They also "count." Not just fists.

Or that you seem to recognize certain behaviors as damaging. But you are unwilling to walk away at this point in time because you think you can still "endure." Hon, if you stay PAST your endurance, you might not be ABLE to walk away any more.

If you are scared of him, and this is not a healthy relationship you can feel safe in? You might think about making a safety plan so you have time to think things out and gather support.

Then maybe have a breaking up conversation rather than a poly one.

Or just don't be there one day. Skip the conversation entirely and just get out. If you were going to do the poly talk, I could see now is not a good time to have it. But if you are going to escape a bad relationship? This could be a good time -- duck out while he has other fish to fry -- his work stuff and his mom stuff. He can't spend lots of energy chasing you down when he's saddled with those things.

These are hard things to think about.

I suggest you rest, and think them out anyway. With the aid of a therapist if necessary. I would prioritize sorting out this area of your life right now more than starting poly stuff. Clean up the old stuff so you can be truly healthy before starting new stuff with another partner in a poly relationship or not.

Please stay safe.

You have worth, value and dignity. You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Hi Zeggplant,

From the sound of things, your best bet is to wait a long time, then tell Be about your interest in polyamory, then tell Sleepwalker what's going on. This way you're not hiding anything, but you're also accepting things the way they are.

I presume you would not want to break up with Be in order to start something up with Sleepwalker?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yep, that's pretty much how it is now. There is no way I can confront all this right now, I just started realizing what's going on in my mind/heart...

I usually don't talk about stuff until I'm sure what I'm talking about, and I'm definitely not sure of what's going on ^^

 

[Zeggplant]

GalaGirl, I am not in an abusive relationship even though I know the way I put it can be confusing.

Be is not a bully. We've been together for 3 years now and it's been more than a year since things are better.

At the beginning I was deep in social anxiety and was feeling down all the time. We moved in together pretty quickly because I was spending all my time at his place and I didn't want my parents to pay rent for a place that I was not living in. I stopped going to college in order to get better and started working as a nanny. I obviously didn't get paid a lot, so he had to pay for a lot of our expenses. This, and the fact that I was avoiding every problem we could have instead of confronting them, created a very unbalanced dynamic between us. He would get angry for no reason (well, too much anger for very small reasons) and I would kind of shut up and feel bad about being scolded instead of stepping up and telling him to stop getting so mad about tiny things.
Fortunately, as my therapy began to help me, I started feeling more confident and I set clear limits on what he could and could not tell me, and he immediately stopped and apologized. I understood then that he only went so far because I let him, and that he had no bad intention. We were 21 and 22 at the time.

Right after my depression we had a big talk because he got very mad for no good reason again and litterally stopped talking to me for a week. It happened 2 years in a row and I told him there would be no 3rd time, that I was done being his emotionnal punchingball and that at some point I'll get tires of making efforts that he could not see.

July 2015, I was about to finally begin college again after 2 years out, and I told him I wanted to take a flat for myself. When October arrived, he had changed so much that I would not veen think about leaving him or living without him. We talked about it and he said he'd realized how much bullshit he had given me sometimes for little things and that he didn't want to get mad for nothing anymore. I also had built enough self confidence to confront/stop him when he gets too mad. So we both worked on our own to get the dynamic balanced again.

But I am hypersensitive and still bear within me the reminiscence of when he used to be mad or in a bad mood, and I still get anxious about that even though we've been very happy together. There are tons of love in our relationship, we text every day to tell each other we love them, we spend our evenings together under a blanket and watch movies while cuddling... I *am* happy with who we are right now.

I am still not sure of how he will react if I tell him about the whole polyamory stuff though. I am afraid he will get mad, shut down again and not be able to listen and understand. And then all he'll understand is that I'm cheating even though it is far from the truth.

For now I pretty much tell him about everything regarding Sleepwalker apart from the "feelings" bit. He knows we skype a lot at night, he knows I met him last Sunday to talk about the writing project, I tell him when Sleepwalker tells me a nice joke, just as I would do for any of my friends.

 

[Zeggplant]

However, I do think I need to work on myself and try and understand what's going on in my head/heart as I said earlier.

I can just be friendly with Sleepwalker, I've been doing that the whole time (well maybe I've been a bit flirty in the beinning but I didn't think that it would be so efficient... and I since stopped). It's just that it's hard, now that we're friends and we can talk every day, not to become a bit more intimate by "flirting" or teasing him. It's the little things you know, when he tells a compliment "you're a badass" I want to answer with a blushing emoji. But I don't, because it'll show that I care about his compliments. So I just say stuff like "hehe I know right?" and don't give him any "influence" on me. Well, none that he could know about. I don't know if I am understandable? ^^;

I will not tell him anything as long as I don't have to, and I'll wait until I can have a decent talk with Be. But for that I'll have to be sure of what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling it.

What I really likes about poly is the idea of being spontaneous and honest with what I'm feeling, but it obviously is more complicated than that... ^^;

So, yeah, my plan for now is to work on myself and observe how things evolve.
I see my therapist tomorrow morning, I haven't been able to see her for a few months but now that I have a job I can pay her. I'll talk to her about what's going on... I just hope she will be open-minded enough and won't just tell me de "choose" which guy I like most and which one I want to give up for the other one. For now I can't imagine losing Be nor can I think about stopping my friendship (or whatever it's going to become) with Sleepwalker.

I'll see...

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more clarification. I still think a lot of this sounds tumultuous. But you are the one there, you would know better than me if this is approaching DV or what. Maybe some of this tumult stuff is from being young adults in your 20's figuring stuff out?

Some of it still sounds a bit concerning to me though -- at any age.

Right after my depression we had a big talk because he got very mad for no good reason again and litterally stopped talking to me for a week. It happened 2 years in a row and I told him there would be no 3rd time, that I was done being his emotional punchingball and that at some point I'll get tired of making efforts that he could not see.

You don't have to be anyone's emotional punching ball. It's not ok to treat people like that.

July 2015, I was about to finally begin college again after 2 years out, and I told him I wanted to take a flat for myself. When October arrived, he had changed so much that I would not even think about leaving him or living without him.

You sound like you went right from your parents' home to living with Be in his home. Never lived on your own or with roomies you are not also dating? Maybe that's something you want to try out?

But I am hypersensitive and still bear within me the reminiscence of when he used to be mad or in a bad mood, and I still get anxious about that even though we've been very happy together. There are tons of love in our relationship, we text every day to tell each other we love them, we spend our evenings together under a blanket and watch movies while cuddling... I *am* happy with who we are right now.

I don't think you are being hypersensitive. This "going to move out because I cannot deal with you making me your emotional punching bag" stuff is only a bit over a year old. If you had a lot of damage from previous poor treatment? Of course you are not easily going to trust. It takes time to rebuild.

I see my therapist tomorrow morning, I haven't been able to see her for a few months but now that I have a job I can pay her. I'll talk to her about what's going on...

I hope the appointment helps you gain some clarity on how you want to handle this. And helps you determine how you want to be treated in a healthy relationship and if Be still makes the cut or not.

You don't have to answer but I was wondering... is Be your first serious relationship?

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Before Be I had a 3 years relationship with a man who could have been my soulmate if he had been honest with his feelings. While being with me he still loved his ex and continued texting her, mailing her and so on. I developed a lot of trust issues because of him that I think I've overcome now.

Also before dating Be I was living alone but only spent 1 year in my own place. I always wanted to have my own flat to live according to my own terms but in the end things were going so well with Be that we quickly decided to find our own place. I spent all my time at his place for 2 months, then he moved in with me until we could find our own flat.

Yes, I think that most of our troubles come from the fact that we're still very young and had to figure things out on the way instead if dealing with our own demons and then get together. But life's full if surprises isn't it? ^^

I talked to Sleepwalker a bit today but didn't feel the urge to be more than friendly. I was very busy though, so I guess sit helped. Taking time to analyze that craving helped a lot too, yesterday. I'll be able to tell precisely what I feel to my therapist

Is it okay if I post updates from time to time? I'd really appreciate the support ^^;

 

[Bluebird]

There's a journal/blog section that you might find useful if you want a place to drop your thoughts and keep people updated.

 

[Tinwen]

Is it okay if I post updates from time to time? I'd really appreciate the support ^^;

Of course you can continue writing here. I know you already have a blog, but there generally is less feedback.

 

[Zeggplant]

(I have a lot of free time today, so I wrote a lot. If you think I should stop posting here and start posting on the blog section I will do so, but I won't lie, I like the fact that people here will react and maybe give me some more advices ^^ anyway, thanks for reading)

So, I saw my therapist today, but it’s not all that happened between my last post and now.

Yesterday, after work, I went to an event where I didn’t want to go but I went anyway because there’s a very good friend of mine (Loli) who’s there. Sleepwalker told me he was not coming, which had no impact on my decision. However, once I was there, Loli got all over another person and I ended up talking with a guy that I don’t know well and, even though he was interesting to talk to, I got angry at Loli not coming back. I also hadn’t eaten since lunch and didn’t have the time to get dinner so I drank a bit and it was enough to become tipsy but not drunk.

I left the bar and walked with that one guy until my bus stop and stayed here alone. I told Sleepwalker I was mad at Loli and alone at my bus stop and he immediately said he would come to me. Of course I told him not to, firstly because he wouldn’t arrive before my bus, secondly because I was not in danger or distress of any kind. He stayed with me by text until I got home.

Then, when I got there, he said something really nice.

“Thank you for caring for your friends, and sorry that we are not here as much as we should”.

He’s usually very sharp and funny and never really says sweet or caring stuff like that (or it comes with a rough sentence) so I was very moved. I was sitting in my kitchen floor, eating a cheese sandwich (I didn’t want to wake up Be by making too much noise in the living room so I stayed in the kitchen) and I though “Eh, I used to be the one telling you smooth catchphrases and now the tables have turned…”.

I thought about it this morning and realized : I was moved because he really cared. He felt concern. And I miss that, knowing that someone’s concerned about my well-being. Be has never really shown any concern, even in my darkest moments. He would show anger, annoyance, impatience, but never true concern. He never seemed to wonder if I was gonna make it, never seemed to take a part in my recovery whatsoever. That’s doesn’t make him a bad boyfriend. He’s young and still has a lot to work out as I said earlier. And that doesn’t make me love him less either. It goes along well with my loner nature. But I still would like, from time to time, that someone saw through that and insisted on telling me that they care.

 

[Zeggplant]

That makes me think that Be and Sleepwalker are kind of complementary. My therapist asked my in September what I liked about Sleepwalker, and at the time I didn’t know him well enough to answer fully. I kept falling for him because I felt I could make him happy. Now I can see how him and Be are a bit alike (traumatic childhood that they overcame, look grumpy on the outside but have a very sweet part on the inside) but also how different they are. Be makes me laugh a lot, he has a very weird humor that can be considered stupid from people who don’t know him. He’s very reliable and sweet when we’re alone. When we are together he has a lot of nice attentions to me, he would touch my hair or my arm while talking to people, and would never be afraid to be affectionate in public (kiss my forehead, hug me…). We also like the same genre of music (he’s a lot into metal) and he would sometimes send me a video of a (metal) love song. Oh, and we love to complain and people together like elderly people on their frontyard rocking chair ^_^. I know he would be an awesome father. I’ve always knew that. I have a sister who has Down Syndrome and he is just awesome and patient with her. And he’s awesome with my other siblings too (and, yes, I use “awesome” a lot, on purpose ^^)

Sleepwalker is more available to talk, he has a “smarter” humor and is a lot into creation. He writes and knows how to appreciate a good text. He has a very entertaining way of making enemies all the time because at each event he’s just making harsh comments on people (most of my friends are very sensitive and can’t get passed the words themselves, which is a shame because he never does that in order to hurt them). For instance he once told a girl she was just an object because she was very cute, the idea was that a lot of people wouldn’t see her as a person but as a thing to possess and he wanted her to know that in order to escape this cliché she could be stunk into. He can be very wry sometimes and regret saying what’s on his mind, especially when he tries to act cool and be funny while everyone get vexed by his comments ^^. This doesn’t do him justice though, and I have to say that I can see through his “harsh” words. He has such sweet and warm eyes, there is no way I would take it seriously when he talks that way. He tried to vex me more than once but never succeeded as I could see it was only to provoke me, so I usually laugh it off and he laughs with me ^^