I think I need some kind words...

[GalaGirl]

I am not trying to push you to separation. I apologize if it comes across that way.

You asked

What do you think of all this? I think this has a chance of working. I don't want to hide anything, I've been reading a few posts here and have understood how much trust and honesty communication is important. It's time I start trusting Be. Either he understands and our relationship will evolve for the better, or he doesn't and I'll have at least the "satisfaction" (or at least the knowledge) that I'd done the best I could.

I am telling you that I think it is a good plan and to go ahead and be brave and do it. That you can handle it.

A lot of your posts before seemed to be you being afraid of what MIGHT happen if you were honest and up front with Be or that your family would blame you for screwing something up. Or that you mom thought he might up and disappear on you. It seems like the very idea of these things seemed to cause you to be paralyzed.

I am telling you that I think you are right. That it is time you started trusting Be. Either he understands and your relationship will evolve for the better, or he doesn't and you'll have the satisfaction that you did your best.

You don't have to be afraid or get paralyzed or whatever. I think you can handle it ok if you talk to him.

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Oh, okay then, I really thought you wanted me to leave Be at any cost and couldn't figure out why ^^;

You're right though, I *am* afraid to shake that comfortable life we're having right now, especially since he's being such a sweetheart to me... Every time he says "I love you" and I say "me too" I feel a bit guilty of all I have in mind that I'm not telling him. And I'm afraid to lose him too, obviously

I'll be taking my time because that's the way I always do, I think stuff through, I "prepare" the structure of my speech... Because when it comes to talking I very nervous and lose my point very quickly and I end up being misunderstood. So I want to plan ahead ^^

Thank you for sticking with me, I'll keep you updated on how things evolve. By then I'll keep reading through the forum and blogs you have

 

[FallenAngelina]

..that comfortable life we're having right now, especially since he's being such a sweetheart to me...

he'd rather say nothing and explode months later than say right away what's wrong, so I constantly have to check and ask if everything's okay if I don't want to get a whole spate of anger and confusion later....it's complicated to talk to Be in general ....He's part of the family and I don't know if I'll get my family's support on this if things go wrong...

There's quite a bit of internal conflict here. Your crushes don't come out of the clear blue sky, they have meaning. The relationships we're drawn to are always telling us something very important about ourselves. You won't get peace and clarity with Be until you've sorted your internal life, so it's well and good to have talks with him, but ultimately, those talks will only reflect the extent to which you are square with yourself about what you want in life.

 

[GalaGirl]

Because when it comes to talking I very nervous and lose my point very quickly and I end up being misunderstood. So I want to plan ahead ^^

How about writing Be a letter or email rather than talking orally? Then you don't lose your point.

Or a list of things you want to say or talk about, so as you talk you can check them off. And if you guys need a break, you can pause and come back to the list later.

A letter, email, or list are all things you can plan ahead.

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Writting things down can help me have a better understanding of what I want/need, that's for sure... But it won't help me communicate with Be. I want to entrust him, I want us to actually talk about things.

I think if I want to improve our communication it has to be by actually talking. I've been talking to some very good friends of mine this week (plus my therapist) and it helped me find a way to explain myself thoroughly. To have a structure in what I have to say. I know it can sound, I don't know, manipulative or more like a strategy, but whenever I have to have a big talk with someone my number one priority is to avoid misunderstandings. So it's a good thing that I take time to prepare.

I keep talking to Sleepwalker during the day, we text a lot and o really enjoy that. There's still no explicit sign of attraction from me or him and I am very grateful for that, for it let me time to talk with Be before even considering doing anything with Sleepwalker.

The "spike" of emotions has ran off, I don't feel so anxious now that I have some kind of a plan, and even more now that I understand what's going on. I always thought I was some kind of monster for developing crushes over and over... It's still a bit painful that the circumstances are not the best for this while questioning, but at least I feel a bit more serene about who I am. I'm thinking about calling my mom tonight and tell her how things are going now but I'm afraid she'll cut me down andake me feel bad/guilty again. I don't know... I may simply not have the time to call her though ^^

I'm also more serene when I think that maybe Be will not accept the feelings I have even though I didn't ask for them. I slowly get the idea that I am not responsible for what I feel, and that since I didn't act or break our implicit rules (yes I've nurtured the feelings by talking to Sleepwalker but it's been a platonic and friendly talk only) I don't have to feel guilty.
I'll be honest with you : if he refuses me exploring my crush (as long as he understands I'm don't want to do any harm nor be dishonest) I'll accept his veto. But I'll have to tell him it can happen again and/or the temptation can become too strong, and when that happens we'll have to evaluate our rules again. I am okay with resisting my feelings for now, but I can't promise it'll be the same in a year or so. People change, if you know what I mean...

FallenAngelina, until now my crushes always started with me feeling that one specific guy was kind of unhappy or broken and that I could make them happy. It would generally stay at a fantasy level of me obsessing over that person for a few weeks and then it would go away. I'm a nursing lover, I want to make people happy and that makes me happy. I want to cuddle them and nurse their inner child until they feel better about life. I'd say I got into Sleepwalker's at the right moment, he was depressed and almost suicidal (I didn't know that at the time) and I brought good things to him (I don't have the proper words in English... Sorry) which made him feel better. Starting a writing project together helped him a lot, it goes along a new dynamic. He's been living in a friend's living room for a few years now and he finally decided to have his own place. All in all he decided to make himself a better life. I didn't do all that but I did bring some dynamic in his life that motivated him ^^