After over a year of heartache & turmoil, as well as a general lack of understanding of the poly lifestyle. I have to say that I kind of get it now. I know that I've been very critical of polyamory, and as much as I tried not to show disrespect for all of the poly folk on this site, I can see how my stubbornness comes across as angst. For that, I am truly sorry. I appreciate the respect, and willingness to engage in conversation with me, even if it was frustrating to do so. Most of you guys have been extremely supportive towards me, even though we have very different outlooks. And for that, I thank you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still monogamous, and do not have any desire to open our marriage. But I've turned some serious corners, and have begun to understand the ability to connect with other people. What changed? Let me tell you a story.
A few months ago, my wife was talking in her sleep. Now, I know that dreams are just dreams... And they ought to be taken with a grain of salt, but she said an awful lot of things that were true. It was like a timeline of all of the things that led to her nervous breakdown: Old friends passing away, health issues, her Mom passing away, trouble at work, etc... All in the exact order that they took place in real life. At the end of mentioning all of this, she said "But no, it had nothing to do with me seeing my boyfriend". Sufficed to say, I was upset about this because it appeared as though she admitted something in her sleep that she had adamantly denied for a long time. When we talked about it, she claimed that she was talking about someone else from her past. Like I said, it was just a dream, but I had a hard time believing that that was the one thing that didn't fit the timeline.
So what did I do? I went back into a fit of depression. All of the memories & feelings came rushing back & I wasn't sure how I could ever move past it. I began digging deep into it in therapy, and it was suggested that I enroll in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which has helped, but it really wasn't what caused the light bulb moment. I also began just engaging in activities that I wanted to do. I've been going up to the mountains & kayaking on the lake a lot lately. It's been a HUGE help in clearing my head.
BUT, I also found myself drinking more than usual. Not in a dangerous way, but I'd occasionally hit the bar for an hour or so & have a couple of beers. However, it's not the drinking that changed everything either... In fact, it was a waitress there. Look, it's not what you're probably thinking. But she's made a couple of flirtatious comments, and I, for the first time I can remember in at least 20 years, found myself a little bit smitten. She's very attractive, and the fact that she calls me "cutie", felt really good. On slow nights, she would sit at my table, or next to me at the bar & just chat like friends do... Except, when one of her friends walked in the door, she'd jokingly (I assume) introduce me as her "future baby daddy". She knows that I'm married, and has no desire to jeopardize that. But still... I found it flattering in an odd way.
What's strange is that, I think I finally get why my wife considered it an option in the first place. While I still think that Jersey is a jackass for a lot of reasons, and I certainly would never contemplate him coming back. The fact that it began to bud in the wake of my Dad passing, and not having her for emotional support still stings more than anything, but I can honestly say that the jealousy that I felt over any potential feelings she had for him is gone. Not because I know that I could have this woman, but rather, because I think I finally get how those feelings can develop.
It's weird how I can say that I feel really good about myself for the first time in a long, LONG time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still monogamous, and do not have any desire to open our marriage. But I've turned some serious corners, and have begun to understand the ability to connect with other people. What changed? Let me tell you a story.
A few months ago, my wife was talking in her sleep. Now, I know that dreams are just dreams... And they ought to be taken with a grain of salt, but she said an awful lot of things that were true. It was like a timeline of all of the things that led to her nervous breakdown: Old friends passing away, health issues, her Mom passing away, trouble at work, etc... All in the exact order that they took place in real life. At the end of mentioning all of this, she said "But no, it had nothing to do with me seeing my boyfriend". Sufficed to say, I was upset about this because it appeared as though she admitted something in her sleep that she had adamantly denied for a long time. When we talked about it, she claimed that she was talking about someone else from her past. Like I said, it was just a dream, but I had a hard time believing that that was the one thing that didn't fit the timeline.
So what did I do? I went back into a fit of depression. All of the memories & feelings came rushing back & I wasn't sure how I could ever move past it. I began digging deep into it in therapy, and it was suggested that I enroll in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which has helped, but it really wasn't what caused the light bulb moment. I also began just engaging in activities that I wanted to do. I've been going up to the mountains & kayaking on the lake a lot lately. It's been a HUGE help in clearing my head.
BUT, I also found myself drinking more than usual. Not in a dangerous way, but I'd occasionally hit the bar for an hour or so & have a couple of beers. However, it's not the drinking that changed everything either... In fact, it was a waitress there. Look, it's not what you're probably thinking. But she's made a couple of flirtatious comments, and I, for the first time I can remember in at least 20 years, found myself a little bit smitten. She's very attractive, and the fact that she calls me "cutie", felt really good. On slow nights, she would sit at my table, or next to me at the bar & just chat like friends do... Except, when one of her friends walked in the door, she'd jokingly (I assume) introduce me as her "future baby daddy". She knows that I'm married, and has no desire to jeopardize that. But still... I found it flattering in an odd way.
What's strange is that, I think I finally get why my wife considered it an option in the first place. While I still think that Jersey is a jackass for a lot of reasons, and I certainly would never contemplate him coming back. The fact that it began to bud in the wake of my Dad passing, and not having her for emotional support still stings more than anything, but I can honestly say that the jealousy that I felt over any potential feelings she had for him is gone. Not because I know that I could have this woman, but rather, because I think I finally get how those feelings can develop.
It's weird how I can say that I feel really good about myself for the first time in a long, LONG time.
