I think my fiance's relationship is becoming abusive

[readr10]

This is my first experience with this site so I apologize if my formatting is incorrect.
I've been with my fiance (19 Male) polyamorously for about a year now.
He was away at college in another city until recently when he had to drop out due to financial issues but while he was there he met and started seeing this girl who I'll call Emily.
Originally they had decided they couldn't date because she was monogamous so they were staying just friends. But over the winter break she went home and showed her family pictures of him and told them he was her boyfriend.
I was a little put off by this but my fiance seemed to be able to get over it and then even ended up dating her after talking it through and she decided she could be okay with dating polyamorously.
So they were dating and almost immediately problems started arising. He came to visit me for a weekend and the entire time we were together they seemed to be having a big fight, she was sending really long paragraphs and he was constantly having to leave to call her. At the end of our weekend he ended up having to head out early to go meet up and talk with her about whatever her issue was.
After that things seemed to mellow out and be going smoothly, although we were still long distance at that point so I wasn't hearing too much about her.
About a month goes by and he ends up having to drop out of school and he's coming to move in with me. The day of moving Emily drives him half way and we meet up so I can drive him the rest of the way, and we were going to all go out for coffee to get to know each other. As I was on my way I get a text from my fiance saying that Emily isn't comfortable seeing us "in a relationship" so when we were hanging out I was not supposed to anything coupley with him, no hugging or kissing or holding hands.
And then once we met up we were all walking over to the coffee shop when Emily just stops and walks away, she gets in her car and drives home without saying anything because I guess she was too uncomfortable being around me.
Quickly I realize she's not as okay with being polyamorous as she let on and I start voicing this concern to my boyfriend.
After a week or so it all gets talked through and she even messages me directly and we brainstorm the best way for her to become more comfortable in this relationship.

At this point I thought everything was going to be okay going forward, we had an open communication so It was all alright.
It's been about a month now since my fiance has been home from school and living with me and recently his girlfriend has been going through a rough time emotionally I guess and has again been fighting with him non-stop. Again she's sending long paragraphs and he's been having to leave constantly to talk to her on the phone.
Then, and here's the big red flag to me, about a week ago after him having to drop everything and be there for her non-stop he lets her know that she needs to find someone else close to her to go to when she's this upset because he can't always be there for her like that. And the next day she messages him saying she's cut herself really bad. He leaves to call her and again says she needs to go find someone to help her out in person and reiterates that he can't always be there. After that conversation she takes a nearly lethal amount of lithium and lands herself in the hospital. Except she doesn't initially tell him about the hospitalization.
Over the next few days they continue talking constantly and fighting. Then it comes out during an argument that she had been sent to the hospital and he finds this out because she tells him it was his fault, he was the reason she took all those pills because he was not there for her when she needed him so she tried to kill herself and it was his fault.
Upon hearing this I of course begin freaking out.
So now he's left for the weekend to go visit her (something he planned before the suicide attempt) and before he left he said they may break up but I'm worried that won't happen because he's scared of hurting her or being responsible for her hurting herself.
The last I heard he had said something that upset her and she stormed off without telling him where she was going and she's now been missing for hours with him searching for her.
Anyway. That's the whole story. And I'm kind of just wondering what I should do about this situation. I don't want him to be hurt anymore but as someone whose dealt with my fair share of emotionally manipulative people I can understand how hard it is to get away from them and even see that it's a problem. I'm worried that if I speak up and say anything to either of them about this situation not being okay he'll just become more upset.
It's just a really tough spot and I'm incredibly worried about him, any advice with how I should move forward would be appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly ok?

You have to be firm about your boundaries on this. My own personal boundary is that I will not hang around unmanaged people. It's ok to have a mental health thing. Not their fault they have a health thing. Some of my friends do. BUT... they work their management plans. Do their therapies, meds, etc. When they slip up, I forgive them because they ARE trying. That's the key point to me. They work their management plans.

I will NOT hang around unmanaged people who are NOT doing their plans because in my experience -- they will try to suck me dry with constant drama and I don't need that. Round and round the merry-go-round.

I already deal with a LOT of mental health issues as a caregiver for an Alzheimer parent. My plate is full. That's my personal limitation. I have NO extra spoons for more people having mental health issues around me going around unmanaged and inappropriately leaning on me. I'm not a free therapist. I'm not someone else's emotional dumpster either.

I don't think they are bad people because they have mental health issues. I just mean *I* don't have extra energy nor willingness to be dealing with any of that from a person who will not do their management plan. I want my limited free time to be drama free! Not MORE patient load.

So in these shoes? I would distance myself from her. And from him if he continues to pursue her. Just so MY stress load isn't increased.

And the next day she messages him saying she's cut herself really bad. He leaves to call her and again says she needs to go find someone to help her out in person and reiterates that he can't always be there. After that conversation she takes a nearly lethal amount of lithium and lands herself in the hospital. Except she doesn't initially tell him about the hospitalization.
Over the next few days they continue talking constantly and fighting. Then it comes out during an argument that she had been sent to the hospital and he finds this out because she tells him it was his fault, he was the reason she took all those pills because he was not there for her when she needed him so she tried to kill herself and it was his fault.

She could call a hotline, see a doctor, check herself into emergency room, create a suicide safety plan and so on.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Her health is her responsibility. NOT his. It is not his job to be her guardian and keep her from hurting herself. If she needs that level of care? Hospital is the place she needs to be at.

She could actually manage her health issues rather than look for him to be her "life raft" person. Him being at her beck and call day and night might help HER, but it is a drain on him.

If she is so far gone she cannot make her choices? And you are all college students in your teens or early 20s? Then he needs to tell her next of kin like her parents that this is suicide stuff is going on. Then they will make the choices that need to happen.

A new BF of a few weeks is NOT the guy responsible for big health issues like this. It is just not appropriate. And it is NOT his place.

He could bow out now and stop dating her since she's monogamous and clearly not comfortable in this situation and it is aggravating her mental health. If she doesn't have the sense or ability to get the pot off the burner? He could. This is not about her short term comfort. This is about her long term well being.

Him avoiding alerting her next of kin and breaking up to get him out of the way and allow her focus on her health to "not hurt her feelings" just keeps the pot on the burner. Her in a poly thing she doesn't want, getting her mental health dings that make her suicidal. That is healthy choices HOW?

As I was on my way I get a text from my fiance saying that Emily isn't comfortable seeing us "in a relationship" so when we were hanging out I was not supposed to anything coupley with him, no hugging or kissing or holding hands.

If she cannot handle a coffee shop, how's she gonna handle the wedding when he is married to you?

(And don't marry him right now. Long engagements are a good thing.)

before he left he said they may break up but I'm worried that won't happen because he's scared of hurting her or being responsible for her hurting herself.

He is NOT responsible for her well being. She's latching on to a BF of a few weeks like he's her life raft. NOT appropriate behavior.

Wait and see if he follows through on the plan to break up. If he continues to go on with her? He keeps picking out a partner who doesn't really want to be doing poly but does it anyway and exacerbates her own mental health? He cannot seem to handle being a firm hinge in a V ? And all this then causes YOU stress and worry and dings YOUR health?

You cannot do anything about who he picks out to date. You CAN do something about who YOU pick out to date. Could end it with him and stop picking him out.

The last I heard he had said something that upset her and she stormed off without telling him where she was going and she's now been missing for hours with him searching for her.

This is appropriate and healthy behavior how? To me that is too much drama for just having started to date this winter over break. He could alert her next of kin and bow out. She can say whatever, but he is not ACTUALLY her next of kin or her power of attorney or similar.

He sounds like a 19 year old in over his head. And because he's in over his head? He's spilling it all on this side of the V on to you. Which you may not enjoy.

I don't want him to be hurt anymore but as someone whose dealt with my fair share of emotionally manipulative people I can understand how hard it is to get away from them and even see that it's a problem. I'm worried that if I speak up and say anything to either of them about this situation not being okay he'll just become more upset.

Is speaking up about something you see is not right and hurts people in keeping with good character? YES.

Is it the correct thing to do? YES.

So he may becomes upset hearing it. So what? I don't mean that in a mean way. I mean unpleasant things can happen in Life. One deals with them anyway. Preferably on the up and up and in an appropriate manner.

So you say what you need to say to him anyway and be kind but firm.

I also think every person is responsible for doing their OWN emotional management. So if you are having a hard time with this and don't want to be around it? You can tell him honestly

"I am worried you are in over your head. You JUST started dating her over winter break. From what I see so far that she's not actually comfortable doing poly. I also think her doing suicide gestures at you is not healthy. Hoarding her lithium prescription to hurt herself -- that's not right.

If she wants to make you her life raft person rather than seek actual professional health care and follow her plan appropriately? That is not appropriate behavior and it will become a drain on you.

I think you could tell her next of kin this is pill abuse and suicide stuff going on. Then break up. She's not sounding in healthy shape to be dating right now. If you don't want to be dating her, end it sooner rather than later. Don't drag things out. That won't get her to appropriate care any faster and it doesn't help you either."​

He can be upset or not upset hearing that honest feedback. Hopefully he hears it comes from a place of caring about him and not maliciousness.

If he does not follow through with a break up and chooses to keep on pursuing this? Then you are left with telling him where YOU stand on participating in a V with him and a suicidal gesture patient person.

Your consent and participation belong to you. You could bow out and say "I don't like this. I don't mind being in a V if you date healthy people. But this arrangement is too much for me. So I prefer to bow out so my health isn't getting dinged. I cannot be around unmanaged people who aren't doing their treatment plan."

Then bow out. Let him make his next choices.

Galagirl

 

[Emm]

... and before he left he said they may break up but I'm worried that won't happen because he's scared of hurting her or being responsible for her hurting herself.

He's not responsible for her hurting herself, she is.

She's turned it into a hostage situation by saying she'll hurt or kill herself if he doesn't give her what she wants. If she said she was going to hurt or kill her neighbour would he give in or would he call the police and stay as far away from the situation as he can? Why is it any different when the hostage she's holding is herself?

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm worried that if I speak up and say anything to either of them about this situation not being okay he'll just become more upset.
It's just a really tough spot and I'm incredibly worried about him....

Are you worried about him or are you worried that her manipulations will "succeed" and you will lose him over this?

 

[KC43]

Every time he answers the phone or her messages and says, "I can't be there for you," he's being there for her.

Every time he spends however long on the phone with her talking her down, he's giving her what she wants. She might not be entirely *conscious* of wanting it, but still, part of her wants that attention. NOTE: I am NOT saying she's *only* doing this for attention. She appears to have some mental health issues, and as GalaGirl says, that isn't her fault, and it sounds like getting professional treatment might be a good idea for her. (And honestly...if she was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt and she has not been referred for mental health services, someone did some MAJOR ball-dropping at the hospital.) I am, however, saying--from personal experience, as someone who lives with mental illnesses--that attention-seeking can be a component of some mental illnesses, and it also isn't entirely the person's fault. Though, as GalaGirl also says, the person can learn to manage it without causing pain or putting too much weight on others.

If he can't be there for her, and he feels like this is too much for him to handle, he needs to set and maintain the boundaries. If he can't be there for her when she escalates, he needs to stop answering her messages and phone calls when she's escalating. If he isn't equipped to keep her from harming herself, he needs to contact someone near her to take care of it. If she's calling him saying, "I'm going to hurt myself, I'm cutting myself," he needs to find the number for emergency services in her town (police, EMTs), call them and explain the situation, and let the professionals take care of it.

He is putting himself in the line of fire. He's young, and while young doesn't automatically equal immature, I don't know too many 19-year-olds who are equipped to deal with this type of relationship with this type of person. (Speaking as the parent of a 20-year-old and a 23-year-old, the older of whom has dealt with this kind of behavior from "friends".) She may have convinced him that he actually is responsible for her well-being and that if she harms herself he'll be at fault. He may believe that he can "fix" her if he just does the right thing, whatever the "right thing" might be. He is wrong on both counts.

She is clearly not emotionally equipped to handle being part of a polyamorous configuration. She may not be emotionally equipped to handle any relationship, if her method of getting what she wants is threatening self-harm and acting on those threats. She is definitely being manipulative, and personally I believe that threatening self-harm if another person doesn't do what you want is emotionally abusive. At the very least, she is extremely toxic for your boyfriend--and he isn't doing her any favors either, because he's feeding her behaviors.

They would be best off breaking up. If he isn't willing to step away from her, you need to consider, for your own sake, whether to step away from him. You can't be his sole emotional support through this any more than he can be hers.

 

[readr10]

Are you worried about him or are you worried that her manipulations will "succeed" and you will lose him over this?

I'm worried about him being in this relationship. I've been in these kinds of relationships before and I know how hard it is to get out of them. I'm worried that he's going to get stuck and really hurt from this.
Of course I'm scared of losing him but I'm more concerned about his well-being

 

[MayDecember]

Drama.

From the boyfriend, that is. I'd dump him and wish him luck with the emotional vampire.

He has no respect for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello readr10,

If Emily can do polyamory, it sounds like she needs to do parallel poly. This would not be a problem if you are okay with it. It would probably mean she wouldn't be spending any time with you, would that be alright?

Now the cutting and the pill overdose, those are much more urgent matters. Your fiancé should not be trying to talk her down, not out of not caring what happens to her, rather just the opposite. He does care what happens to her, therefore he should enlist the help of professionals. This is too serious of a matter for him to be the one trying to handle it. He needs to start contacting people who can help. The police. The hospital. A suicide hotline. 911. He should also notify her next of kin, especially if she has family that lives nearby. Involve a lot of people in this, don't try to fix it by himself. You must tell him this now, don't wait for another incident. This is urgent and serious.

You said that the last you heard, he had said something that upset her and she stormed off without telling him where she was going and she's now been missing for hours with him searching for her. Do you know, has she been found? If not, that is definitely a matter in which to involve the police. Notify them at least, enlist their help as soon as possible. Get their advice. If your fiancé won't do that, you do it.

Emily needs psychiatric care. That's the first priority, after that is taken care of, you can tackle the matter of whether she is equipped to be in any kind of relationship, let alone a poly one. In the meantime, turn her situation over to the professionals. Let them be responsible. I hope you get some relief from the stress you must be going through.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm worried about him being in this relationship. I've been in these kinds of relationships before and I know how hard it is to get out of them. I'm worried that he's going to get stuck and really hurt from this.
Of course I'm scared of losing him but I'm more concerned about his well-being

You could tell him that, up front and honest. And pretty much just like that.

Galagirl