I think my open marriage is breaking apart

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wanderingstar

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My husband and I are in an open marriage, and have always had other partners during our relationship. We considered ourselves primary partners and our agreement was that our relationship took priority over others and any other relationships that threatened ours would be ended (or at least drastically changed).

For the past 6 months, I have been away from home. In our relationship this is not unusual, we travel for work and pleasure extensively - both together and separately. During this trip I have experienced a major depressive episode - one of several in my lifetime - but this time has been more severe than ever before. To my shame and regret, I actually attempted suicide a few weeks ago. Since then, I've been under the care of doctors and therapists and have been improving but am still incredibly fragile.

My husband and I agreed that we would need a period of reconnection upon my return home, and that we wouldn't see other people in order to focus strongly on our marriage.

However, when I arrived home, my husband told me that he has been seeing a new woman who he has fallen in love with. He has only been seeing her for a few weeks, and as she lives in another country has only visited with her a few times. But he is completely and utterly infatuated. He also expressed to me that he has been quite unhappy in our marriage since before I left on this 6 month long trip (this was completely news to me and he had not expressed this to me before me returning home).

I asked that he stop communications with her until our relationship is stronger and more reconnected and so that I have time to heal and become stronger within myself. I am very emotionally and mentally fragile and am currently entirely dependent on him financially and with few family or friends in our area.
I feel very vulnerable.

He has refused to curtail his relationship with his new partner. I am utterly devastated by this and I feel as if this is a real betrayal of our marriage and partnership. I also don't feel as if I can be in this emotionally and financially vulnerable situation for very long given my ongoing mental health issues. I desperately need support that I really am not getting right now.

He is insistent that I am being unreasonable in my expectations of his behaviour. I am not asking him to stop feeling something, I am asking him to stop acting upon those feelings.

He does not remember making any of the commitments about prioritising our relationship and couldn't even tell me how he defined a 'primary partner'. Although when pressed he remembers some of the discussions around priorities and agrees that all of our other rules centre around prioritising our relationship.

We have been arguing, talking, crying for a few days now, and there is less care and more nastiness the more we talk. The more I try to communicate with him the more he obfuscates and evades and the more defensive he is and the more discussions are shut down with anger and shouting.

I think my marriage is falling apart. Is there any hope for us? What should I do? I am falling apart and at my wit's end.
 
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I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I've had depressive episodes like that, and I admire you for coming through it and for being brave enough to discuss it here.

Completely aside from whatever agreements you and your husband made at the beginning of your marriage, he agreed to give you his full time and attention NOW so you can recover from your episode. And he has backed out of that agreement. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, etc. However you feel.

To me, you are seeing this in a reasonable way. You aren't asking your husband not to be in love with this other woman; you're asking him to put their *interactions* on hold while you recover. You aren't asking him to do this forever, only for a few months because you have been through a difficult experience and need his love and support to heal.

It seems that *he* is not being reasonable. He is acting out of a place of NRE (new relationship energy) and of "I want what I want when I want it" instead of a place of love and concern for you. No matter whether you and he have agreements to prioritize each other, in my opinion, you SHOULD be his number one priority at this time. If he loves you, helping you become healthy again should be his top goal.

I hope you've been discussing this with the health professionals you're seeing. If your husband is unwilling to give you his support, you'll need to find support elsewhere. They might be able to help you find resources to address the financial issues, if necessary. And if you can persuade your husband to attend a therapy session with you, it might help you and him to better communicate what each of you needs and wants from the marriage, as well as to help him understand how he can support you in your healing.

You say you're feeling fragile and vulnerable, and that is completely understandable. But I hope you'll believe me when I say you are strong; if you weren't, you wouldn't be here to type that post. You can get through this.
 
Depression is an awful thing. I've been there, and I sympathize. I truly hope you can find the help you need, and tap into the inner strength I know you have. We are all rooting for you here, and hope you never, ever give up.

But I have also been in your husband's shoes--madly in love with a new partner, and my husband asked me not to act on that love. Let me assure you, for me, there was no shoving that genie back in the bottle, and it wasn't because I didn't love my husband. But it felt to me like my husband wanted me to put aside the thing in my life that was making me feel most happy and alive, all so I could have more time and energy to deal with his anger, depression, and jealousy. It did not sound like a good trade off to me at all. So I would get to spend all my spare time helping my husband through his unhappiness, meanwhile, putting my personal joy aside. And what about my lover, why should my lover have to wait around while my husband sorted through his emotions? Frankly, if I were the secondary lover, and I was told "I can't see you for a couple months because my spouse says so..." well, that'd be a dealbreaker. I denied my husband's request that I put my new relationship on hold. Was it a selfish decision? Yeah, sure. But I couldn't have done it any other way without resenting the hell out of him and suffering a great deal of pain myself.

Again, I sympathize utterly and understand you need him a lot right now, but it sounds like he's shutting down when you ask him to stop seeing his lover. Might be counter-productive at this point.
 
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I agree with what LoveBunny said, I think it is unfair of you to request that he stop communicating with his new lover. It is unfair to both him and to the new person.

If he is forced to stop communicating with her he will be bitter and resentful. Being bitter and resentful will not help him be more supportive towards you. I think if you continue to press this issue it will be more likely to contribute to the end of your marriage, not to save the marriage.

You seem to suggest that he can not be supportive of you AND maintain a relationship with someone else. I'm not sure why he can't do both. In fact, I think at this point he will be much more likely to support you, if you can support him in return and be happy for him and his new relationship.
 
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In fact, I think at this point he will be much more likely to support you, if you can support him in return and be happy for him and his new relationship.
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It sounds, though, like their relationship *is* suffering. The "I am unhappy in our relationship" bomb was dropped, when he had ample time to bring it up, and he went into a new relationship knowing that their relationship was weak. Sounds almost like he's escaping one relationship for another, although clearly I only have one side of the story.

I'd imagine it would be hard for Wanderingstar to be supportive and happy for him when their relationship is suffering. It sounds like his compassion at the moment is lacking, and that if he really doesn't want to prioritize or work on this relationship, he needs to shit or get off the pot and just say so, so she can move forward. Having no memory of their conversations? Seems like gaslighting to me.

(Didn't think I was such a crabbypants this morning... yeesh...)
 
Thanks everyone for your comments. Even when they are painful to hear, having outside perspectives feels very valuable when you're in such a difficult position with emotions swirling and words flying. I think each comment has been right in one way or another. :)

I do think he's being selfish and unfair to me and to our marriage. I don't think he should have gone into this new relationship having previously agreed to 'reconnect' and put other relationships on hold when I got back (this was his idea by the way). I have lost much trust in his ability to make decisions putting our relationship first (even before that crazy NRE love juice starts flowing). I don't think it's good for my head right now that he's falling in love with someone else.

I may not have made it clear, but I don't think he has the time or energy to physically do both relationships right now. He's a distracted man at the best of times, with an incredibly demanding and stressful 24/7 job that has him jetting off around the world at a moment's notice. Even if he had dialled down other relationships it would have been difficult getting the support I know I will need from him. Plus, here, I am very isolated and so I really am relying entirely on him as my support network.

But I think LoveBunny is right that at this point I don't think the genie can be shoved back in the bottle. I don't want to force him to do anything, really what I want is for him to make these choices because he knows I need them and because *he* wants that for me and for us. Unfortunately for me, I can see that's clearly not going to happen now.

I too have been in the position of being crazy in love with someone and choosing to be with them instead of my husband (at the time - he is now my ex-husband). I remember how I felt while it was happening and how wrapped up in the love I was. I also remember that I was in a very selfish place and I really hurt my ex-husband in the process - something I wish I could go back in time and change. I have also been the 'other woman' when a marriage was fracturing, and I know demands of the primary relationship can be unfair to secondary relationships. So I've been on the other sides of this before... it does seem that karma can be a bitch. :-/

After many more long discussions it seems as if my (current) husband has decided that the rules of our marriage have changed so that our relationship is no longer hierarchically primary and that we are free to explore and express feelings for other partners regardless of the impact that these relationships have on other people. At least that's how he believes it has changed ('these things change naturally'). But I don't want that kind of relationship or that kind of instability. I live far away from my family in an economically depressed area, in a different culture than my own, in order to be with him and support him with his child and in order for him to be close to his family. These are choices I wouldn't have made if I believed that my needs in our relationship could be sidelined for his other relationships.

I'm not sure I want the kind of relationship model he is proposing and frankly, I think it's the relationship model that suits his current situation and he'd be much less happy with it if I was the one falling in love. I don't really trust that any new relationship agreement will be followed if in the future it hurts him, but maybe that trust can be rebuilt.

I suppose now, my choices are:
1. to stay and try to make the best of a bad situation. To try to support myself through my health issues to attempt to access long-distance support from my family and friends. While I'm trying to make myself better, I will also have to try to work on our relationship alongside him, while his attention and positivity is pulled towards his new relationship and I'm the 'difficult one' that 'needs to be fixed' (as he has so delicately put it).

2. to leave him completely, move back to my family and home country and try to pick up the pieces of my life while going through a second long-distance divorce (no fun at all!). His child was traumatised by the divorce with his second wife (I'm wife #3) and she begged us not to split up when we were arguing this past weekend. I love her dearly, she is really, really an amazing kid and I'm so worried for her. Although I think a terrible marriage is also not good for kids, I hate the idea that I would contribute to any additional trauma and stress that she would face. I also love his family. They are zany, awesome, busy and interesting people (kind of like he is!). I bawled my eyes out this morning thinking that I would lose my relationships with them (even if they aren't really close enough to ask for support, I'm glad they are part of my life). I really want to try to work things out and avoid a divorce, but I don't know if that's possible.

3. to leave him temporarily, move back to my family and try to get the support I need from them while I am recovering from this depressive episode. This of course risks that we become more distant from each other, the problems within our relationship don't get worked upon at all, and that there is a long, slow deterioration of our relationship.

I don't really like any of these choices. I'm heartbroken at all of them. I'm not sure what to choose or if there is another way to sort it all out.

Sorry this post was so long. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and consider. I *really* do appreciate all of the comments and perspectives from other people. It's been incredibly helpful to express how I'm feeling and put my roller-coaster-emotional-crappiness (that's a technical term!) into concrete words and... then to get feedback and perspective on it... well... I'm truly grateful and humbled that random internet people would put thought and care into helping me right now. So thanks so much! :)
 
I'm at work and can't fully respond right now wanderingstar, but I just wanted to express how touched I was by your latest post. You're going through a lot right now, but it seems to me you are thinking things through very clearly and carefully. You are empathize go with and considering all angles and opinions and you are coming up with options. They are hard options, sure, but I think you will get through this. /hugs
 
I'm so sorry this is happening; it sounds incredibly painful.

I would caution you against making any major decisions right now, such as moving back to your home country. Depression can really do a number on our ability to see what's really going on.

My suggestion would be to find the support you can where you are, and to focus on getting your mental healthy more stable. I know that your situation with your marriage isn't exactly something you can ignore, but if you have supportive therapists and friends, I'd reach out to them as much as possible right now and do what you can to get healthier so you have a more realistic perspective. Personally, I've gone on antidepressants when I've had bad depressions, and they've tended to be that extra little 'push' that kept me from falling down into the black hole again.

As for your husband, I agree with others that asking him to not act on his love will make him resentful. It sounds like he's so involved in his NRE that he's not able or willing to be honest and present with you. I also wonder if the other relationship is actually just an excuse to distance himself from you. It would be a huge emotional struggle for me if my partner was away for 6 months at a stretch. I wonder if your husband is really not that happy with that arrangement, but isn't able to say it and is using this new love to push you away or to 'punish' you for being away for so long. Obviously, this is pure speculation, it's just a thought I had.

Can you and he go see a therapist together? It sounds like maybe you're not hearing what each of you is saying underneath the words.

I do think that sometimes situations like this - where we think things are falling apart - can sometimes offer opportunities for getting to a new layer of intimacy and vulnerability, which can make relationships stronger. I'm not saying this is necessarily true for you, but it's possible that this isn't the end, but rather a new path of understanding between you.

In any case, I wish you both the best, and I hope things turn out in a way that are the healthiest and best for both of you. Hugs!
 
Hi wanderingstar,

I guess I would advise "Choice #1" where you stick around and try to stick it out -- as long as you can stand it. I hate to think of his child becoming collateral damage in a breakup/divorce.

At the moment your husband doesn't seem to be very committed to fixing the marriage, so I would mostly concentrate on the depression you've been suffering under. Get therapy and meds as needed. Hopefully you'll get to feeling a little better, and then you can start asking your husband to get couples' therapy with you.

Just my own take on it. You'll have to make your own decision ultimately, of course. Sorry you're going through this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ummmm, it sounds pretty clear that both OP and husband are at fault here and I don't see evidence of him not being committed. Simply resentful that she's demanding he cut off his other lover.
 
I have to agree with CandiedLove. Two people agreed to an open marriage. Why should the blame now land on only one of those two? He is simply living as they have always lived, as per the agreement they made from the start.

I think what OP is asking would work perfectly well if we were talking about a hobby. But we're not. We're talking about another human being. They have both agreed to a lifestyle that by its very nature involves other people, and more specifically, drawing other people into deep emotions, even love. Golf clubs can be put on the shelf and expected to wait there until someone is ready to get back to it. People are not golf clubs and should not be treated as such.

Wandering Star, I don't mean this harshly. I've been where you are. But you need to put on the big girl pants and do everything in your power to help yourself out of this depression. I have been there. I know it's easier said than done. But there are children counting on you, and you yourself agreed to this open marriage. There is now another woman involved, who opened her heart to someone being told this was safe.

I would be happy to talk with you about some of the things that helped me, if you want to send me a PM.
 
Feeling decidedly less cranky today, so let's give this another whirl...

Is there some sort of compromise that can be reached, in order to work through the problems in the relationship?

There are other options (or nuances of those options), rather than just the three that were presented. Perhaps couples' counseling could help get through the issues in your relationship, OP, without having to stop all communication?

My concern is that, if OP's husband is using his new relationship as an escape, then he's checked out. He needs to be honest about this.

If he hasn't, but he's getting resentful and shutting down over these new restrictions? Maybe it's time to reach a different compromise and find a counselor who can help you communicate with each other.

WhatHappened: I don't think the husband is completely to blame, but letting the OP believe everything is hunky-dory, and only telling her after the fact that no, the relationship was bad over 6 months ago, is crappy and dishonest. If he's refusing to try to find ways of reconnecting, then it shows a lack of compassion and actual DESIRE to reconnect. Agreeing on an open relationship is one thing, but I think one of the expectations is that there's a relationship to come back to. Not an exit strategy. I think this is what the OP is trying to work on, although I do agree that the "no communication" thing (at all? Like, can he tell her he can't talk to her?) probably isn't going to get her what she wants. Instead of a desire to reconnect, she's probably going to get more resentment (at least to start), regardless of who's "right" or "wrong".
 
Great question WH......leaving for half a year ....Wow ....that can strain any relationship ....and depending on the reasons for such trip might have a huge impact on how a home coming is received. Generally the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is right.

For example if someone goes off chasing a romance and then gets crushed by said romance all the while their partner/ spouse holds down the fort .....I could see less than a Warm homecoming.



my questions; Was this trip mutually discussed and agreed upon or was he just informed ?

And while you where gone how much contact did you have with your husband.?? Were you able to meet up or anything.?
 
I just want to make it clear that our relationship agreement SPECIFICALLY said that our relationship takes priority and that we would cut off (or at least drastically reduce) contact with other partners at times when our relationship needed work. Open relationship does NOT mean 'fuck around with whoever you want no matter the consequences and effects on existing relationships'. Our relationship rules were agreed by *both* of us (and are periodically discussed and re-negotiated). The fundamental principle throughout has been that our relationship is a priority and is protected and nurtured even at the expense of other relationships. This how our relationship has worked at other troubled times (especially when he needed it, but which now that I need it, he has conveniently forgotten). The choices he has made in the last few weeks are completely against commitments and agreements he made previously. Let me reiterate; open relationship doesn't mean being a relationship magpie and going for whatever shiny new person-shaped bauble that comes along. That is NOT what I agreed to. No matter what kind of relationship model you have, you should have a care as to how your new relationships affect the long-standing ones.

We both knew that we would need some time when I got back to reconnect and HE suggested that we take this time (as we often have to take this time when he comes back off of tour). Well, then I became depressed, and we discussed taking additional time off from other people and how much I'd need support etc. Within days after this discussion he was pursuing a relationship with a new person. This is TOTALLY against our relationship agreement. Starting a new relationship when your primary relationship needs hard-work-time and attention means that you're caught up in the lovely bubble of infatuation of a new relationship and it becomes harder to spend hard-work-time and attention on your primary relationship. It's a shitty dynamic.

Let me mention again that he started this new relationship *after* agreeing that we should drastically cut back on contact with other lovers (this means not seeing them in person and keeping all the online and phone stuff to a discrete level) and work on our relationship. It was *after* saying I would get his love and support for my illness upon my return. This new "love" is less than a month old, and involves 2 dates (the second one lasting 2 days or so). It is almost... unbelievable to me that he'd throw away his marriage, devastate his daughter and break up a family for it. Blindsided is how I feel.

And yes, I (somewhat ironically) went back to my home country six months ago to support my sister while she was having relationship difficulties and struggling with depression, and to help to her with her business. It was not a holiday and I was not chasing a new relationship. In fact I spent most of the time away completely celibate (living with your parents again will do that to you). My husband was supposed to come for a 3 week visit during the summer but was unable to get a visa. It was discussed beforehand (very much) and he encouraged and supported my trip. He also travels for most of the summer, so me being alone at home while I could be helping out my sister seemed silly anyway. I often go away for a month or two a year, but he's probably away from home 7+ months of the year on any given year (but not consecutively). It is almost always me who is the one 'holding down the fort' while he goes on tour around the world. It would seem that he's less happy when the shoe is on the other foot.

@WhatHappened, could you be more condescending? Big girl pants? Really?... He is breaking the agreements we had from the start. I developed another relationship towards the end of the summer that I pulled back from and put the brakes on, knowing that I'd be needing some "us" time with my husband upon my return. I communicated that to other partners, discussed it and controlled myself. Personal responsibility. It's not that hard if you're a grown up.

It's not impossible to be communicative, sensitive and responsible with multiple concurrent relationships. I think the attitude that 'you agreed to an open relationship so I get to fuck (or love) whoever I want, whenever I want and behave however I want because you signed a blank relationship cheque' is incredibly damaging. It is most definitely NOT what I signed up for.
 
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@ Youarehere Thanks for your (less cranky today) response...

I've thought a lot more about it and it won't be helpful to ask my husband to completely restrict contact with his new partner. He will resent me and he'd probably hide from me any contact he does have, then the lying will poison everything between us and it will just suck. So, I've already told him that I'm okay with him talking to her. It wasn't that level of contact I was worried about anyway. He does have other lovers who are at less intense stages of relationship and I wasn't worried about them. I was worried about the all day texting and phoning and talking constantly about her and comparing me (unfavourably) to her that was happening. Not so much fun for me right now. Really I wanted him to just cool it for a little bit. But he's unable or unwilling to do that. *Shrug* so there isn't much I can do.

I think the new relationship is partly an escape (not just from me, but from the grind of daily life too) and partly he's shutting down because I've asked him to honour our agreements about focusing on our relationship instead of other ones at the moment.

I have also mentioned couples therapy or counselling. Let's just say his reaction wasn't very positive. I'd like to improve our communication (and it has got better since my first post), but I think it will be difficult to do under the current circumstances and without outside help.

So far I've decided I'm not going to make any drastic changes right now. I'm going to try to reach out to friends and family who are farther away and replace the support I was hoping I would get from him. I'm going to have to demand a lot of 'me time' over the next little while and concentrate on getting better in myself. Only after that happens will I be able to push for counselling and better communication between the two of us. Hopefully by then the crazy infatuation stage will have ended with this other relationship and he will be willing to refocus on our relationship (that's what I'm crossing my fingers for anyway). We'll see... *sigh*
 
I appreciate that clarification, wanderingstar. It seems to me that you are getting the short end of the stick. I know your options aren't very appealing, but you seem to have picked the least detestable option.

I'll cross my fingers on your behalf.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you find my comment condescending. But as adults, I don't feel we have the right to announce that we are incredibly fragile, and therefore everyone needs do as we wish and take care of us.

The fact is, relationships and sexual encounters often enough bring up a lot of emotions. That's why I'm always surprised when I see people make agreements that they won't let those emotions happen, or won't let them happen to X extent. They are taunting human nature by doing so. Of course emotions were going to get more involved than planned, sooner or later.
 
our relationship agreement SPECIFICALLY said that our relationship takes priority and that we would cut off (or at least drastically reduce) contact with other partners at times when our relationship needed work.....The fundamental principle throughout has been that our relationship is a priority and is protected and nurtured even at the expense of other relationships.
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This is the sort of thing that makes shy away from dating anyone in a couple. It's assured that I will never be more than a bit on the side.

He does have other lovers who are at less intense stages of relationship and I wasn't worried about them. I was worried about the all day texting and phoning and talking constantly about her and comparing me (unfavourably) to her that was happening.
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It certainly does sound like your husband is behaving like an asshat. Maybe he does want out of the marriage. I'm very used to Don't Ask, Don't Tell--I'm certainly not saying that's the way to go (it was frustrating as hell actually) but one of the skills I've learned from my stint with DADT is that I generally don't need to talk about my lover with my husband, and vice-versa. I don't hide their existence, but there is nothing loving in comparing or evoking other lovers in the presence of the person you're with. It just takes you both out of the moment. I had a lover once who constantly evoked her other lovers, solely, as far as I could tell, to triangulate and create jealousy. To that end, perhaps some specific rules about not texting or talking about so-and-so during your time together?

I very much agree with others who have said that your depression is your number one thing to deal with right now. You need to learn how to be happy no matter what your husband does or does not do. Please find your way towards happiness, and I believe once you've don't that, your decisions will make themselves for you, and you will automatically gravitate towards those who make you feel good, and away from that which makes you feel bad. I truly wish you the best!
 
wanderingstar said:
Plus, here, I am very isolated and so I really am relying entirely on him as my support network.
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Social support is critical for depression recovery.

Is there anything you can do to build up your social support network?
 
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