jimmyfresno
New member
Hey, this is a bit complicated and I'm not sure where it fits. I am a gay guy, in a happy marriage to another man and am not needy. I developed an intense platonic friendship with a poly straight guy over the past 3 years. He's very demonstrative, loves hugging, even kissing each other on the neck when saying good bye. I don't do that with any other friends and I found it to be special between us. With me, and all of his male friends, he gives an earnest "I love you."
To someone with a handful of friends, who really clicks, that's magnetic. But now, I came to wonder if my buddy is addicted to new relationship energy, and I have been phased out to make room for his new interesting people.
He does walking trips with a lot of people, and develops very close bonds with them, too. Literally all of his friends give him these intense, long hugs when they see him and it always includes "I love you."
Of course I developed a platonic "bro crush" on him. I actually cherished it because it was non-sexual and pure. Together, he and I have talked about everything. There are no boundaries. He's open about his poly sexuality; the day before yesterday we talked about our masturbation habits. But I am sort of compartmentalized as his "walking friend." We go on scheduled walks, and he describes these wildly fun things he's doing... with other friends. I have never, ever gotten together with him on a Saturday or Sunday; I'm not sure who he reserves that time for, but I've never gotten it. In his defense, I'm a 65 year old guy, he's 47, so there are differences in what we like to do and who we hang out with.
He reserves time as sacred for each friend, and won't answer texts or check email when he's with them; I respect that profoundly. The problem is, he's the lead in a band, and is so socially active that it is literally days before he returns texts. I've accepted this, but I'm also accepting that he's just not there for me. My husband recently went away for 9 days and I was stuck at home over a holiday looking for people to hang out with. I couldn't rely on this friend to really get together at all.
We don't text or banter on Facebook anymore between walks now that he's got a girlfriend. I have no evidence that he thinks about me at all during the week. He would never just stop by even though he's in my neighborhood often. Meanwhile, he's subtly brag-complaining that he's "spending so much time with X."
As one would expect, he recently started spending way more time with her. They ended up going to San Francisco and doing mushrooms together... two things I wanted to do with him. We experimented with hallucinogens in his living room once and I was looking forward to tripping with him because I thought it would be a stepping stone into maybe becoming closer. He and I were going to do a mushroom walk together one day, and he said he'd take off from work. The next time I brought it up, he said I could BUY some from him. I brought it up again and his first question was, "Who else can we bring with us?"
Most recently, he made friends with a musician in his neighborhood, and they ended up going to a festival together and doing ecstasy and getting in a "cuddle puddle." He's telling me about the guy laying on his legs looking up and saying, "Man, yeah, we're BONDING!" I am not sexually attracted to my friend but all I ever wanted to do was get lost in a big long hug with him, or do some hallucinogens together that I thought would give us this experience in closeness.
Now, I break our hugs off fairly quickly because I feel kind of betrayed. He's having bonding episodes with other people right, almost to the point comedy, literally running around May poles at cool, private music camping festivals with his brand new people of interest. This is his joy, and I respect that. But It is seeming to me that he needs to keep a constant pipeline of fresh interest, mixing people together and moving on to the next object. What happens with the loved ones along the way seems to be that we're placeholders, cocked and ready with an "I love you, man" and a five-minute hug the next time we run into him at a music gig with someone else.
I had a talk with my friend, and asked if he had ever heard the expression, "When everything is special, nothing is special." He knew precisely what I was talking about and said, "Yes, a woman once told me, 'A friend to all is a friend to none,' and I never forgot that," he said. I didn't really see how her words had changed him. He said he isn't the "best friends" type, which I get and respect for his social, poly lifestyle. He tried to reassure me that I'm special, how he talks about me fondly with his other friends. It was a bit ironic to think he was chatting my virtues up with people he was with while I was wishing I could hang out with him.
I told him that I had hoped we would be doing things together and going places, which is why I hosted the game night. He told me very kindly that there was a lot of "implicit assumptions" in thinking he was going to SF with only special people and that he would go on a road trip with a drunk on the corner if he were asked.
He said he loves me. I have no doubt he does.
He then asked me a strange question, "Do you have many other friends?" That question went into my chest like a knife. I could sense the implicit judgement. I pretty much saw the writing on the wall that my friend's respect for me was in question and he saw me as a needy hanger-on.
At first I went along with his suggestion that I do a "game night" at my house to have him over with other friends of ours. For months, I tried to schedule this game night, it became a huge stressor for me. I felt like it was an initiation right to get to my buddy's "inner circle," after he told me, "yeah, our game night groups sometimes go to San Francisco for the weekend!" He didn't use it as "bait," but I took it as the key to making our relationship closer and really bonding.
I have plenty of acquaintances; I just don't open my heart to many people, and when I do, it ends up being hurt.
I knew about poly relationships, but nobody ever told me about the hierarchy, who gets relegated to what position, and what they're supposed to do about it. I feel like I've been sidelined and pretty much want to phase this out, which is sad because there was genuine love there.
Any suggestions?
To someone with a handful of friends, who really clicks, that's magnetic. But now, I came to wonder if my buddy is addicted to new relationship energy, and I have been phased out to make room for his new interesting people.
He does walking trips with a lot of people, and develops very close bonds with them, too. Literally all of his friends give him these intense, long hugs when they see him and it always includes "I love you."
Of course I developed a platonic "bro crush" on him. I actually cherished it because it was non-sexual and pure. Together, he and I have talked about everything. There are no boundaries. He's open about his poly sexuality; the day before yesterday we talked about our masturbation habits. But I am sort of compartmentalized as his "walking friend." We go on scheduled walks, and he describes these wildly fun things he's doing... with other friends. I have never, ever gotten together with him on a Saturday or Sunday; I'm not sure who he reserves that time for, but I've never gotten it. In his defense, I'm a 65 year old guy, he's 47, so there are differences in what we like to do and who we hang out with.
He reserves time as sacred for each friend, and won't answer texts or check email when he's with them; I respect that profoundly. The problem is, he's the lead in a band, and is so socially active that it is literally days before he returns texts. I've accepted this, but I'm also accepting that he's just not there for me. My husband recently went away for 9 days and I was stuck at home over a holiday looking for people to hang out with. I couldn't rely on this friend to really get together at all.
We don't text or banter on Facebook anymore between walks now that he's got a girlfriend. I have no evidence that he thinks about me at all during the week. He would never just stop by even though he's in my neighborhood often. Meanwhile, he's subtly brag-complaining that he's "spending so much time with X."
As one would expect, he recently started spending way more time with her. They ended up going to San Francisco and doing mushrooms together... two things I wanted to do with him. We experimented with hallucinogens in his living room once and I was looking forward to tripping with him because I thought it would be a stepping stone into maybe becoming closer. He and I were going to do a mushroom walk together one day, and he said he'd take off from work. The next time I brought it up, he said I could BUY some from him. I brought it up again and his first question was, "Who else can we bring with us?"
Most recently, he made friends with a musician in his neighborhood, and they ended up going to a festival together and doing ecstasy and getting in a "cuddle puddle." He's telling me about the guy laying on his legs looking up and saying, "Man, yeah, we're BONDING!" I am not sexually attracted to my friend but all I ever wanted to do was get lost in a big long hug with him, or do some hallucinogens together that I thought would give us this experience in closeness.
Now, I break our hugs off fairly quickly because I feel kind of betrayed. He's having bonding episodes with other people right, almost to the point comedy, literally running around May poles at cool, private music camping festivals with his brand new people of interest. This is his joy, and I respect that. But It is seeming to me that he needs to keep a constant pipeline of fresh interest, mixing people together and moving on to the next object. What happens with the loved ones along the way seems to be that we're placeholders, cocked and ready with an "I love you, man" and a five-minute hug the next time we run into him at a music gig with someone else.
I had a talk with my friend, and asked if he had ever heard the expression, "When everything is special, nothing is special." He knew precisely what I was talking about and said, "Yes, a woman once told me, 'A friend to all is a friend to none,' and I never forgot that," he said. I didn't really see how her words had changed him. He said he isn't the "best friends" type, which I get and respect for his social, poly lifestyle. He tried to reassure me that I'm special, how he talks about me fondly with his other friends. It was a bit ironic to think he was chatting my virtues up with people he was with while I was wishing I could hang out with him.
I told him that I had hoped we would be doing things together and going places, which is why I hosted the game night. He told me very kindly that there was a lot of "implicit assumptions" in thinking he was going to SF with only special people and that he would go on a road trip with a drunk on the corner if he were asked.
He said he loves me. I have no doubt he does.
He then asked me a strange question, "Do you have many other friends?" That question went into my chest like a knife. I could sense the implicit judgement. I pretty much saw the writing on the wall that my friend's respect for me was in question and he saw me as a needy hanger-on.
At first I went along with his suggestion that I do a "game night" at my house to have him over with other friends of ours. For months, I tried to schedule this game night, it became a huge stressor for me. I felt like it was an initiation right to get to my buddy's "inner circle," after he told me, "yeah, our game night groups sometimes go to San Francisco for the weekend!" He didn't use it as "bait," but I took it as the key to making our relationship closer and really bonding.
I have plenty of acquaintances; I just don't open my heart to many people, and when I do, it ends up being hurt.
I knew about poly relationships, but nobody ever told me about the hierarchy, who gets relegated to what position, and what they're supposed to do about it. I feel like I've been sidelined and pretty much want to phase this out, which is sad because there was genuine love there.
Any suggestions?
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