I thought I'd try to 'find the others'

B

Blissa

New member
Hi, I'm very new to Polyamory (I didn't even know what we were doing was called this!) but have been trying to take in some of the information on the site. I was starting to feel a bit isolated and it's such a relief to find out there are other people in similar situations.

So, in what now sounds like a familiar story, I am female, married for 15 years. My husband (it says to give nicknames so 'Woody') and I have tried swinging in the past but decided that random encounters weren't really fulfilling. A few months ago, my husbands best friend ('Biker') left his wife and moved in with us. Over the years we have been flirty with them as a couple but his wife had some issues and it never went anywhere.

Since then, we have gradually become a 'V' (I think? or is it a triad?). We started off just having a threesome but now we are much more than that. It feels weird that it isn't more weird, if that makes sense? I haven't told any of my family/friends so we're fairly secretive about it, which makes me feel sad, but not sure how to do anything about that. Biker has told some of his friends, but they have reacted negatively, which hurts, even though I don't even know them, or they me! I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it - so that's why I'm here.

I don't really know what else to put so I'll stop there and say thanks in advance for any advice/support etc.

Blissa
 
I'm new to this forum too but also to poly so I can't offer advice, but I must welcome you to this wonderful place!

The only thing I want to add is that there is no right or wrong in relationships,it's just about what works for you and what makes you happy!
 
Welcome, Blissa! I think you'll find a lot of like-minded folks here, and hopefully also useful advice.

If Biker and Woody are sexually and/or romantically involved with each other, that's a triad; if their connection is through you, that's a V (with you as 'hinge'). :) Being closeted can be really hard... I hope you can find local community as well as online community. Best wishes on your journey!
 
Welcome to polyamory and the board. You have found your people!

Blissa said:
Hi, I'm very new to Polyamory (I didn't even know what we were doing was called this!) but have been trying to take in some of the information on the site. I was starting to feel a bit isolated and it's such a relief to find out there are other people in similar situations.

So, in what now sounds like a familiar story, I am female, married for 15 years. My husband (it says to give nicknames so 'Woody') and I have tried swinging in the past but decided that random encounters weren't really fulfilling. A few months ago, my husbands best friend ('Biker') left his wife and moved in with us. Over the years we have been flirty with them as a couple but his wife had some issues and it never went anywhere.
Click to expand...

So you'd kind of wanted a swingeresque quad but the wife was never interested. How did you decide to take Biker in as a roommate after his separation/divorce? You had space in your house, you needed more money to cover your rent/mortgage? You liked him so much as a friend and you knew you'd all get along in a roommate situation?

So this progressed to taking him as a lover and it's working out well?

Since then, we have gradually become a 'V' (I think? or is it a triad?). We started off just having a threesome but now we are much more than that. It feels weird that it isn't more weird, if that makes sense?
Click to expand...

It can feel weird in our mono culture to fall naturally into polyamory. But maybe having had swinger experience first helped.

Generally speaking, it's a V if one person is the hinge and he or she has sex with each lover separately. If the 2 legs of the V are straight, they won't want to touch each other sexually. Often the legs of the V don't even meet or become friends. Much less cohabit.

In your case, are your men straight? How does the threeway sex work? If they are straight they have to be comfortable with being in close proximity and have a degree of interest in voyuerism and exhibitionism.

Do they each have sex with you separately as well?

Or do they both prefer the threeway sex, even if straight? Then i think that takes your arrangement into a grey area in between a triad and a V. Especially if the men are really close friends and enjoy hanging out non-sexually one on one as well. Because it's not about just the sex, it's also about love. If the men are very close friends, they may feel they love each other (even though men are loathe to say those words except when drunk lol).

I haven't told any of my family/friends so we're fairly secretive about it, which makes me feel sad, but not sure how to do anything about that. Biker has told some of his friends, but they have reacted negatively, which hurts, even though I don't even know them, or they me! I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it - so that's why I'm here.
Click to expand...

If you do a search here for "coming out" it should be helpful.
 
Greetings Blissa,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear Biker's friends didn't act very good about it. Try not to let that get you down; you have something great going with Biker and Woody, and that's what matters. I'm like you, I have to be in the closet about polyamory. Sometimes that's just how it is, we try to make the best of things in life.

I'm glad you found us, you will make a valuable contribution to our online community. Let us know of your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Blissa - welcome to the Forum! You have indeed come to the right place - lots of experienced polyfolks here, most of whom are friendly and helpful - with lots of sound advice and solid info. Best of luck on your emerging poly journey! Al
 
Thanks for the welcome!

I've had some problems with posting, please don't feel I don't appreciate the posts. Also, for the first time in 6 months, Biker has been working away. This has presented some challenges and been hard to adjust to.

So - Biker and Woody are best friends. Woody was Biker's best man at his wedding. It would never had occurred to us not to take him in, really - we're lucky enough to have the space as our eldest has got a flat of her own now. They are straight but not at all worried about being near each other/being in bed together. They do love each other, though, in a very lovely, bromance type way. They cuddle sometimes.

Having sex separately has been the trickiest bit. Woody feels weird about it and sends conflicting messages. He feels like he ought to be ok about it (like if he's tired or whatever) but it upsets him. Biker feels that if Woody and I sleep together on our own, but not me and him, then he isn't an equal partner in the relationship. I'm wondering if only sleeping together all 3 of us might be the way forward. We're happiest when we go away for weekends just the 3 of us, away from family and responsibilities, make out the whole time, drinking and laughing. But real life gets in the way!

I had no idea there might be local communities - how would I even start looking into that?
 
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