I tripped over my own feet and need some help

S

Sauce

New member
Okay, this is kinda long.

I'm 30 yrs old and my lady is 42 yrs old. Let's call her Liz. She and I have talked about polyamory, and she was moving along nicely, getting used to the idea. (I want this.) All was going well (she even found this forum for me), until she got a funny feeling about a woman that I worked with. Let's call her Beth.

Beth and I got kinda close. We had fun at work (joking and laughing) and we became text buddies. I thought all was well. Liz didn't like this. I use sex as my humor, you know, for the shock factor, which Liz knows, as she has worked with me before. I was just being me, and Beth followed suit and came right back with sex jokes. Liz read some of the texts and told me I can no longer talk to her.

Beth is 23 yrs old. Both Liz and Beth are redheads, wear glasses, and are Cancers.

I never thought of Beth in a sexual way, or even as the third person in our new poly life, but Liz seems to think that I was holding on to Beth and keeping her in the wings until Liz was ready. I've told her over and over again that was not my intention. But six months later (after we've stopped talking about it), I am thinking maybe she was right, maybe I was doing just that.

Now I don't know if Beth would even go for the idea of being poly, but the more I thought about it, the more it became a yes to try it. But I can no longer speak to Beth and if I brought this up to Liz it would cause a whole new set of problems. Also after I was no longer allowed to speak to Beth, I did anyway, and was caught twice. It was my stupid man child voice saying nobody's gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!!!

Also Liz and I moved in together about 2 months ago, and I can't find a way to talk about any of this without seeming to look like it was all some kind of plan or something.

Is there any way to do this without giving Liz the feeling that it's all a plan, or that I'm trying to replace her, or something like that? Liz is my world and I don't wanna make her feel as if she's not.
 
Speaking from a woman's point of view, I can see why Liz overreacted to Beth. Liz is 42 and Beth is 23, and by your own admission, they are similar in appearance. As women, we are told over and over again that being older is negative and that your man will want to replace you with someone younger.

Since things haven't progressed beyond a friendship with Beth, it should probably stay that way for the time being, until Liz has a chance to process why she is feeling the way she is about you being involved with Beth.

Try to meet some new people and see how she reacts to others. Take things slow and keep talking about issues as they come up.
 
Thank you, Derby. Sadly, I think you're right. But another thing is that Liz and I are both chefs, and when we worked together with all of the pretty young wait staff around us, I chose to be with Liz. I just like older women. Liz knows that for the life of me I can't see why Beth would be a threat, age-wise. I don't know. I'll take your advice. Thank you again.
 
Sauce said:
Liz read some of the text and told me I can no longer talk to Beth.

Also after I was no longer allowed to speak to Beth, I did anyway, and was caught twice. It was my stupid man child voice saying nobody's gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!!!
Click to expand...

There's a basic problem with this. I can understand Liz holding out on the idea of poly, but telling you who you can and can't speak to is definitely a red flag, regardless of poly or not. In a mono relationship, this would not be an indication of a healthy relationship dynamic, but your desire for poly may be a factor, I presume. If a guy said this to his wife/girlfriend on here, the flames would already be burning high.

Is it just this one woman Liz has this issue with?
 
I would suggest the age difference also. Is there any history there for her? Another person dumping her for a younger woman or something? Does she have a reason to not trust you?

Other than that, I think she and you could use a sit down to establish some boundaries of what would work for you both. It will take awhile to come up with what your needs and hers are, and how to work around them and with them. Take your time. These talks are relationship changing and very helpful, bonding and connecting... think of needs such as the need to feel loved and how to achieve that through words, actions and doing what you say... or the need to be special and close... also in terms of words, actions and what you say you will do.
 
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