I want to do this right. My introduction to polyamory.

A

AZCouple

New member
Hello! A little background about my situation--

I met my ex Jay about 5 years ago. We dated for about a year. Throughout the relationship there was some discovery we went through. It started by us connecting deeply and having honest conversations about ourselves.

As we told each other our stories, we discovered he was bi-curious. My immediate reaction was new/different, rather than prejudicial and shocking. (I had an ex who I suspected was bisexual, who cheated on me constantly.) Instead, my reaction was supportive and understanding, to the point that I encouraged him to explore. This is something I felt compelled to do because I had dealt with lots of cheating and lying in the past.

As Jay unsuccessfully tried finding somebody to explore with, I then got involved with helping him finding someone. When I finally found someone, I connected them. We had an open chat with all of us, as well as privately with each other. So they got to know each other for a few weeks, then finally decided to connect in person.

I supported Jay, and even took him to the hotel room where they were going to meet up. As we waited in the room, with the original plan of me leaving, he asked me if I would stay. I was shocked, unsure and totally caught off guard, but I decided to stay. Once the other guy got there, we all talked and connected. We were nervous and didn’t know how to start. Then he brought it up. Jay and I made out and had sex. The other guy watched. Then he asked me if I’d be okay with him taking me (as we'd previously discussed).

I said yes, and things happened while I had my eyes closed. They took turns with me, then with one another. When everything was over, it blew my mind that I wasn’t completely traumatized over it. It was a crazy thought and all of it was new, but deep down I liked it. This is how my poly journey started…
 
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The guy was nice and we had fun. But Jay wasn’t so fond of the connection with the guy. So we decided to keep searching, as we'd agreed that we’d be exploring together.

Then I then remembered an old friend of mine, Ray, who was married and polyamorous. Back then I hadn’t understood him, but I’d supported him as a friend. But now I was caught in sort of that type of relationship.

After that first experience, we attempted to find a new guy who’d be open to exploring with us on a regular basis, with no luck. Then one day, I reached out to my old friend, Ray, with the intention of understanding what was happening to us. He was very informative and shed some light with a whole new perspective. I understood now that Jay needed a connection to fully enjoy it. We chatted about polyamory for a few days and I realized that Ray had told me before that Jay was cute in a picture I had showed him. Plus he'd had a crush on me before, when we used to work together. So I thought it’d be good to connect them and maybe explore with him myself, as we had a good connection too.

Jay and I met up to play board games with Ray and his wife, and to introduce them to each other. Then we set up another date for later on. On the second date, Jay and Ray started making out while Ray's wife was there. It felt strange. My reaction was adjusting and understanding polyamory. After Ray's wife left, we all went to the bedroom to spend time together, and it was a beautifully amazing night. We were all touching each other and enjoyed every second of it, without hesitation. I was able to see them enjoying each other, and felt compersion, which was an absolutely fantastic feeling.

After Ray left, Jay and I were on cloud nine, head over heels. We continued to have sex after a very active night. This is what started our (triad) poly relationship…
 
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Ray would spend every other weekend with us. I’d love getting up in the morning and seeing them cuddle. The relationship was beautiful. We’d go on dates and meet up all together, along with Ray's wife to play board games. I personally fell in love with Ray, as well, and Jay was emotionally invested too! Things couldn’t have gone any better than they were!

Except for this: Jay was liking Ray's wife. At the time, I couldn’t understand it, and I was jealous.

I felt like I was short handing him, like I wasn’t enough, even after that oh! so fulfilling relationship. I couldn’t understand why he would want any more than us. We were perfect!

Later, Jay told me he liked this other girl from work. I felt threatened, so after endless nights of thinking, I decided to set him free, because I felt like he needed to fly and live his life a while before wanting to settle on a closed triad, as we had agreed to before.

I had a tough year by myself. I was depressed and felt oh so lonely without him. Then I met someone…

Here we are, almost 4 years after.

Jay ended up in an open relationship with that girl from work, which was unfulfilling to him.

He contacted me last November, when he was breaking up with her. He told me that he missed me and that he was devastated. I was a friend to him and supported him, while I found myself reminiscing on what we had as a couple, and as a throuple. We'd both kept thinking about one another throughout the course of the years.

Where is my life at? I met my partner, Day, almost a year after my break-up. We came together as friends at a time where I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I truly enjoyed my time with him, so we became cuddle buddies, especially because he was going through chemotherapy for leukemia. I had a partner who was married and his wife was a cuck.

Day was obviously going through a major life change with a lengthy treatment expectancy. He ended up moving in and incorporated into the family, so naturally we considered ourselves a family with him. After 3 years, his treatment is ending. The road to recovery has been painful and tough on all of us. We didn’t really get involved sexually, other than a couple attempts to be intimate by ourselves and with someone else (a lady), about which I’ll go into detail further.

I was comfortable being mono, until I discovered some messages coming through the lock screen of his phone. I noticed some Grindr messages. So I confronted him and I asked him to open up to me. Knowing my background, I thought he would, and of course I would understand. But he chose to not open up.

My reaction was to try to understand him and help him through it. But what he has done is deny it for almost 2 years. So I told him that I would seek other people, because I had the right to. Polyamory was still in the back of my head, but this convinced me that was the path to choose so we would stay true to ourselves.

Day still denied it, and wanted to be with me, and ever since, I’ve gone back and forth between wanting to spend my life with him and being polyamorous.

I am afraid that we might not connect sexually, and I won’t be able to tell until he feels better, because sex isn’t the same with someone who is in so much pain and has no sexual drive. I try every day to love him in that way, but there’s so much missing.

To be continued…
 
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I know I love Day, but not in a passionate romantic way. We have an amazing time together as a family, but sexually I am afraid. I do want him in my life and my children’s lives, but what do I do?

Now, throughout the years, we’ve talked about polyamory. I have even had sex with another person, but more for sexual relief, after the issue with the text messages. I also mentioned it again some time ago, because I knew that my conversations with Jay were leading to us having sex, and possibly more.

So we did, but tbh, I was looking to just breaking up with Day because I had been afraid of him not understanding polyamory. He has expressed being okay with threesomes and he tried it with a house guest, but I’m intrinsically not attracted to women, maybe only if we connect at a deeper level, which I did with the lady we were having sex with.

He says he’s okay with polyamory, because he is aware of his limitations. I do love Jay, and I want to have a relationship with him again, and continue growing our relationship. We both now understand polyamory so much better, and I am open to letting him explore beyond a closed triad, even considering bringing a new element to our relationship, though that isn’t the ultimate goal.

I told Day how I felt. Again, he thinks that I just have to get it out of my system, and then he says he is okay with that and thinks this is temporary. I had sex with Jay when things were so done, and I thought there was no point of return. Day still wants to continue, but I want him to fully understand how I feel and to know that both of them are equally important to me, without dragging him into a situation he isn’t completely on board with. But I have also considered a definite break-up, because I can’t punish myself constantly about who I am and how I feel. Plus it’s toxic to go back and forth between accepting both situations. I know that when I want to be mono, my head keeps going back to polyamory, and I have finally decided to accept that I am poly and to keep exploring with Jay.

I told Day that I love Jay and I want to be with both of them. But how much of it is true? What I mean is Day is accepting polyamory, not for me, but for himself. He is a typical macho man, who thinks a two girl/one guy dynamic is okay. I have given this a lot of thought. I will continue to be as open to Day as possible, so he understands the true dynamic.

Anyway, I’m hoping you can help me by shedding some light on the situation, and helping me process this correctly with Day and Jay, because I love them both.
 
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Hello Lindsey,

Have you considered being involved with both Day and Jay? You seem to be thinking that if you're with Jay, you can't be with Day, and vice versa. Have you explained to Day that poly is not just a phase you're going through? If you have, what was his response to that?

Just out of curiosity, are you still in touch with Ray and his wife? Do you have any kind of involvement with them, or would that pose a problem because you still don't want Jay to be involved with Ray's wife?

In any case, it definitely sounds like you want to get back together with Jay, and I think you should do that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Lindsey,

Have you considered being involved with both Day and Jay? You seem to be thinking that if you're with Jay, you can't be with Day, and vice versa. Have you explained to Day that poly is not just a phase you're going through? If you have, what was his response to that?

Just out of curiosity, are you still in touch with Ray and his wife? Do you have any kind of involvement with them, or would that pose a problem because you don't want Jay to be involved with Ray's wife?
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kdt26417 said:
In any case, it definitely sounds like you want to get back together with Jay, and I think you should do that.
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Absolutely. I just have to have more conversations with Day. But he accepted the fact that I love Jay and I want a relationship with both.

Ray has moved on. After the break-up, we grieved Jay together. We still had a relationship, until Ray had a major breakdown. He ghosted me for a while, then divorced. Now he lives in another state and is happily in a multi-partner relationship.
 
I am glad you are sharing your journey. As a mod, I'd like to inform you that we encourage members to choose nicknames for the other players in their stories. You have chosen to use initials. Would you please pick nicknames for everyone, starting with those initials? It makes it much easier to follow the story. Just drop the new names in your next post, and I'll go back and plug them in before this thread gets any longer. Thanks in advance.
 
Magdlyn said:
I am glad you are sharing your journey. As a mod, I'd like to inform you that we encourage members to choose nicknames for the other players in their stories. You have chosen to use initials. Would you please pick nicknames for everyone, starting with those initials? It makes it much easier to follow the story. Just drop the new names in your next post, and I'll go back and plug them in before this thread gets any longer. Thanks in advance.
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I will call D, Day (nesting partner, male); J, Jay (my boyfriend, male); R, Ray (ex to Jay and me, transwoman now) and K, Kay (my nesting partner's and my girlfriend, female).
 
I am happy to report that new dynamics are underway. After I got the green light to date Jay, I was nervous for Day to feel forced into the situation, though we had experienced a sexual relationship in the past together, with a woman whom I’ll call Kay. It’s difficult for me to remember all of the pronouns, but I don’t consider myself bisexual, though I’ve engaged in sexual intercourse with Kay alone, and with Day.

Although I’m not attracted to females, two very special things happened with this woman. I truly enjoyed our threesomes, mostly for the compersion, but I also have feelings for her, despite not agreeing with her life choices, and not exactly being into women. I found that to be surprising.

This weekend, Day and I had a lengthy conversation about what we want out of our polyamorous relationship. I told Day that I’m in love with Jay. Day is on board with Jay and me dating. We also talked about the possibility of bringing Kay back into our relationship, as she has been through rehab and making better choices at the moment. Kay will be moving in with us. I encouraged Day to be intimate with her individually if he so chose. I’d love to see that relationship flourish, as I deeply care about them both.

Jay and I had planned a date, but he had to cancel last minute because of his mother’s health issues. I was a little disappointed, but it was okay because I got to spend time with my kiddos and had a great night.

Day and I had a date alone yesterday, which was amazing, and a much-needed time alone without the kids. We were planning things and discussing and figuring out exactly what his thoughts were about me dating Jay. I realized that he cares more about Kay than I imagined.

I’m hoping this will help our relationship and I will stop going back and forth, because this is really what I’ve been wanting.

Now I can’t wait to finally go on a date with Jay! And I’m feeling so excited about my relationship with Day because I feel closer to him than ever!
 
Hi Lindsey,

Thanks for that update, I am glad to hear about your new dynamics, and it sounds like Day, Jay, and Kay will all be a part of your life now. Good luck and keep us posted as your situation evolves!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Lindsey,

Thanks for that update, I am glad to hear about your new dynamics, and it sounds like Day, Jay, and Kay will all be a part of your life now. Good luck and keep us posted as your situation evolves!

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thank you!
 
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