Paris+a
New member
Hi, I am posting this thread after crying for over a week. I am suffering, and I know that to forgive, I must understand.
That is true; I am a monogamist. How do I know it? I do not even know. I have the feeling that I cannot share LOVE. Every time I go through this idea in my head, I realize that I am not able to see my partner showing affection to others, and it is so hurtful for me to know he is willing to do it and even share me with other men (he even gets excited about it).
He identifies himself as a polyamorist. Did he tell me this fact before our relationship began? No, unfortunately, he did not. I had to face a new world very different from everything I had ever known. Of course, in the beginning, I did not take it seriously and hoped he would change. He had the same hopes about me: that I would understand and become a polyamorist for him.
After a few months, we both realized how we were trying to change each other, mostly indirectly and unconsciously. It was a hard night and a heartbreaking decision for me to break up. I told him I did not understand his desires, but I did not want to change him anymore. To me, there was nothing wrong with him. I wanted to leave because I could not fit into his lifestyle.
As a psychoanalyst, he believes so much in therapy. When he heard my decision, he agreed at first, but then he said he believes that he can change to a monogamist and asked me to give him time and be patient with him. That was everything I wanted to hear: he loves me so much that he is willing to change and be committed to me. You already know this is not going to be a happy ending!
I accepted. His therapy was going well; he sometimes told me he was progressing, but after all, he was still acting on his desires. He was putting me in different situations with other girls. For example, he once manipulated me into a threesome with a prostitute and gave me fake control over the whole situation. That experience hurt me so much that I had nightmares over and over again. I never wanted such an experience, and he always knew it. There were so many occasions that he acted on his desires; he was attracted to one of my friends and was getting physically close to some other friends. That is why my social life was getting more and more isolated; I did not want to risk my relationship, especially because he told me we should avoid tempting situations; otherwise, he might lose control.
Seeing him act like this and manipulate me led me into toxic jealousy. We were in a dangerous loop. He would traumatize me and then blame me for overreacting to those traumas. Me, being more and more insecure and jealous, made him feel stuck in this relationship. He was unhappy, and I realized that during our romantic holiday by the beach.
I tested him for the first time in our relationship, telling him if he missed flirting and watching girls so much, he could go and party alone that night. He did, and I also pretended that I was doing the same in another club. I asked him if we wanted to do this again and what his limitation was, and he told me "sex without condoms" is his limitation. I asked him if he would not mind me having sex with someone else tonight, and he said not if he was at the same level; otherwise, he would lose respect for me and my choice.
I broke up that night and moved out of that hotel. He did not try to stop me once; he walked away from me so easily. All that love and care were gone in a snap. He ignored me for days and finally wanted to meet to say goodbye. He said he has tried so hard to change, that sometimes, wishes he was not like this. He thinks I had good reasons for the breakup, so he did not fight to keep me. He hurt my feelings by telling me he always wanted me fitter and did not like my style and clothes (while I am famous for being stylish, and I always thought I had a beautiful body, and he was crazy about my big ass). You can guess that my confidence and self-worth are now at a minimum.
Being with a non-monogamist, I always felt that I was not enough for him. He admitted that I loved him more than he loved me. He cried, but he was happy to regain his freedom. I am still suffering, and I do not know if he really tried for me or not. I do not even know if a polyamorist can ever change his relationship orientation. I do not know how many of his actions and manipulations were because he was a polyamorist. And in the end, I do not know how to get better and stop torturing myself.
I thought having comments and hearing the opinions of people who understand his desires better than I do may help me. I need to hear it from someone. I do not know what to do or how to judge him. I miss him, and I want to text him, shouting at him for not fighting for me, but I know I should let go because I love him so much. I never thought there was something wrong with him, I just simply could not understand it.
That is true; I am a monogamist. How do I know it? I do not even know. I have the feeling that I cannot share LOVE. Every time I go through this idea in my head, I realize that I am not able to see my partner showing affection to others, and it is so hurtful for me to know he is willing to do it and even share me with other men (he even gets excited about it).
He identifies himself as a polyamorist. Did he tell me this fact before our relationship began? No, unfortunately, he did not. I had to face a new world very different from everything I had ever known. Of course, in the beginning, I did not take it seriously and hoped he would change. He had the same hopes about me: that I would understand and become a polyamorist for him.
After a few months, we both realized how we were trying to change each other, mostly indirectly and unconsciously. It was a hard night and a heartbreaking decision for me to break up. I told him I did not understand his desires, but I did not want to change him anymore. To me, there was nothing wrong with him. I wanted to leave because I could not fit into his lifestyle.
As a psychoanalyst, he believes so much in therapy. When he heard my decision, he agreed at first, but then he said he believes that he can change to a monogamist and asked me to give him time and be patient with him. That was everything I wanted to hear: he loves me so much that he is willing to change and be committed to me. You already know this is not going to be a happy ending!
I accepted. His therapy was going well; he sometimes told me he was progressing, but after all, he was still acting on his desires. He was putting me in different situations with other girls. For example, he once manipulated me into a threesome with a prostitute and gave me fake control over the whole situation. That experience hurt me so much that I had nightmares over and over again. I never wanted such an experience, and he always knew it. There were so many occasions that he acted on his desires; he was attracted to one of my friends and was getting physically close to some other friends. That is why my social life was getting more and more isolated; I did not want to risk my relationship, especially because he told me we should avoid tempting situations; otherwise, he might lose control.
Seeing him act like this and manipulate me led me into toxic jealousy. We were in a dangerous loop. He would traumatize me and then blame me for overreacting to those traumas. Me, being more and more insecure and jealous, made him feel stuck in this relationship. He was unhappy, and I realized that during our romantic holiday by the beach.
I tested him for the first time in our relationship, telling him if he missed flirting and watching girls so much, he could go and party alone that night. He did, and I also pretended that I was doing the same in another club. I asked him if we wanted to do this again and what his limitation was, and he told me "sex without condoms" is his limitation. I asked him if he would not mind me having sex with someone else tonight, and he said not if he was at the same level; otherwise, he would lose respect for me and my choice.
I broke up that night and moved out of that hotel. He did not try to stop me once; he walked away from me so easily. All that love and care were gone in a snap. He ignored me for days and finally wanted to meet to say goodbye. He said he has tried so hard to change, that sometimes, wishes he was not like this. He thinks I had good reasons for the breakup, so he did not fight to keep me. He hurt my feelings by telling me he always wanted me fitter and did not like my style and clothes (while I am famous for being stylish, and I always thought I had a beautiful body, and he was crazy about my big ass). You can guess that my confidence and self-worth are now at a minimum.
Being with a non-monogamist, I always felt that I was not enough for him. He admitted that I loved him more than he loved me. He cried, but he was happy to regain his freedom. I am still suffering, and I do not know if he really tried for me or not. I do not even know if a polyamorist can ever change his relationship orientation. I do not know how many of his actions and manipulations were because he was a polyamorist. And in the end, I do not know how to get better and stop torturing myself.
I thought having comments and hearing the opinions of people who understand his desires better than I do may help me. I need to hear it from someone. I do not know what to do or how to judge him. I miss him, and I want to text him, shouting at him for not fighting for me, but I know I should let go because I love him so much. I never thought there was something wrong with him, I just simply could not understand it.
