I would like other's ideas on cohabiting (MMM triad)

N

nightrush

Member
So here it is, the background to my situation. I am in a relationship with two other men whom I love dearly. We are moving toward combining households. However, I am slightly uncomfortable, as I will be moving into their home and giving up mine. Also, I am the "third" in this relationship, as both of them have been together for quite some time. They have not attempted anything like this in the past, and neither have I.

I am wondering if it will turn out to be 2 vs 1 in the future, if something were to go wrong. My concern has been shared with the other two and they've both attempted to reassure me that everything will be okay. But let's be honest, no one can guarantee that three people will be able to live under the same roof without wanting to kill each other.

Other variables:

Work schedules-- I get up around 5:00 am each day and put in 60+ hours a week at work. I have to travel and be away for extended periods of time. I also attend school. (I am working on a master's.) One of my partners works from home most days, and the other has a set work schedule that does not change.

They have two dogs, and I have two. My dogs free roam all day. Theirs do not.

There is a slight age variation. They are both 15 years older than me.

There are lifestyle differences we have worked through. They've changed a lot just to accommodate me (e.g., animals no longer on the furniture, or on the bed), moving rooms around so I can fit in (office space is a requirement for me as I do work at home, plus homework for school), purchasing items I prefer even when I am not there (e.g., laundry soap, cleaners-- just odd stuff that others may view as not important, but are to me).

I am just looking for insight into what others have done. How long did you wait to move in and combine households? What are some things to stay away from? What are some things that will bring us closer?
 
We will all share one bedroom and one bed. That is the idea. We are a triad. There will be three in one relationship, with no outside dating and what have you.

As for the dogs, we are slowly working on the introductions.

I have not been with them all that long, just a few months.
 
I think most people will caution you to never move in with anyone before a year or so of dating has gone by, if possible.

I might suggest spending two weeks sleeping there nightly, attempting to get to bed at a reasonable hour, while getting up at 5:00 am for work all during the work week. That alone should give you a handle on if living together would even be feasible.

All three sharing one bed could be a real struggle. If there isn't another room that could be used (and that you'd be okay using), if your sleep schedule interrupts theirs, or vice versa, it would be better to know sooner, rather than later, if that will be a problem.
 
Ah, a few months? That's not much time at all. I would be more cautious, if I were you.

Generally, most people find that moving in together is something that they should wait quite a bit longer to do. You are still getting to know each other, and likely you are all caught up in NRE (new relationship energy), which is basically a hormone-infused euphoria. When the buzz subsides is when the real meaty work of a relationship happens, because we stop seeing the objects of our love through those rose-colored glasses, and sometimes it ain't pretty.

So, to be all living together, sharing a bed, uprooting your life, routine, and animals to give up your own place, before the relationship(s) amongst all of you have really been tested for a good amount of time, can be dangerous and an invitation to drama. I think it would also be good to have an extra room for those times when someone needs some solitude.

Think of it like any big change in your life. If you give the relationship at least a year before moving in, then at least you'd know that you got through every holiday, birthday, season, and significant event together, and a few hardships.

Why are you considering doing this so soon? Can't you slow things down some?
 
We have done a weekend thing. I think we have figured out where everyone would sleep in the bed, where they can get sleep. There is a guest bedroom that I could use, if needed. I would have no problem doing so.

My rule for life is usually to not cohabitate earlier than one year. The soonest we would be able to do this would be close to a year.

As for spending two weeks there, it is not feasible at this time, for various reasons.
 
There is nothing that is pushing the three of us to cohabitate any sooner than I would see fit.

A little more backstory-- I have known them since about June of last year. It was not until after about three months that we started down this path. I understand the concern of the NRE. I honestly think it is over, but could very well be wrong.

Aside from the suggestion to wait for a year, are there any other signs or information someone could share... pitfalls, complications and so on?

nycindie said:
That's not much time at all. I would be more cautious...

Generally most people find that moving in together is something that people should wait quite a bit longer to do. You are still getting to know each other, and likely you are all caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy), which is basically a hormone-infused euphoria. When the buzz subsides is when the real meaty work of a relationship happens because we stop seeing the objects of our love through those rose-colored glasses, and sometimes it ain't pretty.

So, to be all living together, sharing a bed, uprooting your life, routine, and animals to give up your own place, before the relationship among all of you has really been tested for a good amount of time can be dangerous and an invitation to drama. I think it would also be good to have an extra room for those times when someone needs solitude.
If you give the relationship at least a year before moving in, at least then you know that you got through every holiday, birthday, season, and significant event together. Is there any reason why you are doing this so soon? Can't you slow things down some?
Click to expand...
 
So you've only been together a few months, but wouldn't be moving in together for almost a year? Okay, that sounds more sensible.

I will defer to others who cohabit with their partners to offer advice on what to look out for and how to prepare, since I live alone and have no desire to live with anyone.

There is a big thread here on living with multiple partners, started by our member Mono, who would be a good person to ask for input. Here's the link: Multi-partner co-habitation.
 
Having just survived and come out rather scathed from a all-male triad that destructed like a nuclear explosion, I urge some caution.

I like what one person said about doing a trial run, basically, move in for a short time, a few weeks, a month, whatever, but not give up your lease on your own place until you know it's going to work well. Gay men can be more pig-headed than they let on at first, IMO, and you want to make sure there aren't these types of issues that just haven't come up before. Pay very close attention to the personality dynamics and how everyone meshes with each other.

I've joked (though seriously) that in any group of three men, if more than one has "alpha-male" tendencies (and I'm not talking sexual), then you're gonna see heads butt like a group of irritable rams.

Personally, I wish you the best luck in this endeavour. I know another MMM triad in my town that seem to be doing great. But they are playing it more cautious. After a year of dating, one still hasn't moved in full-time yet. There seems to be no rush. I think it's helping them get acclimated to everything first.
 
All those little things become BIG things when there is nowhere to go, because you live there. I would suggest slowing right down and spending large amounts of time at their place, with your dogs along, and see how it goes for a year or so. Why rush something that will be hard to get out of if it doesn't work out? You need to know it will work, especially if you have school, work, and dogs to take care of, right? I am sure your bfs are lovely, but everyone has a side that isn't. I think this warrants waiting and seeing what comes up. Enjoy what you have. There is no rush.

There are a lot of threads here on "moving in" if you do a search.

I have a boyfriend that lives with my husband and me. It took 18 months to get us all in the same house, a process I am very glad we took our our time with. Lots was already sorted out before my bf moved in.
 
I'm having trouble understanding why it's feasible to move in together full time but not feasible to spend a month trying it out.

I also foresee some personality conflicts that won't become apparent until you're all in this. For example, you're the type of person who lets his dogs sleep on the bed. They're not. That might not seem like a big deal, but it could indicate a fairly significant personality difference. Are they going to get mad or resentful if it takes a few months to train your dogs not to go on the furniture?

Do you keep your apartment as clean as they do? Are you going to feel like they're picking on you if you can't live up to their standards?

It also bothers me that they pooh-pooh your concerns about how things will go down if it doesn't all work. I would prefer to see them take your apprehension into serious consideration and for all of you to work out a conflict-resolution plan. "Don't worry, there won't be any problems," is not a conflict-resolution plan!

What have you guys decided to do if your feelings towards one of them dissolves (after NRE fades), while your feelings for the other grows? Will you shift towards a V, or will your ass be out the door? No one can promise that feelings won't change. If you haven't discussed this, or worse, if they refuse to discuss this, that's a warning sign.
 
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Again. I thank you all for your input and things that I honestly may not have though 100%. We have always had open lines of communication, which is why I think we have even made it this far.

As for not doing the trial run of living together, I will do a weekend or a few days, but it is very hard for me to live between two homes. One is work, as I take work home. I have files here at home, and it would be my luck I had to run to my house to get what I needed. I also believe in doing it right or not doing it at all. I know this may sound all great, but it is honestly how I would prefer to do it.

I know there will be personality conflicts at times, and we have been through some already, but have all come together and become stronger as as a result.

As for them not taking seriously my concerns about it not working out, well, we've all agreed that there is no iron-clad guarantee it is going to work, and no one is saying it will last 20 years. We just don't know. However, they do respond to my concerns in this manner: "Any problems we have, we will work though them. Communication will be the key." I believe we can make it through some really crappy times. I am going though one right now, and they have both been more supportive than I could have ever asked for, and I didn't even have to ask. And we will have some really great times.

Again, thank you all for your input. Please share more, if you can!
 
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Lifestyle Matching

I can understand the desire to cohabit; it's something that I desire with my other partners very much, and always want to push towards. However, after a situation that went sideways because of living together and discovering huge lifestyle differences, I am WAY more cautious about it now (although I still desire it very much for down the road!)

I think the most important thing to consider is whether or not you have a true lifestyle match. Seemingly insignificant things can create a lot of conflict when you don't have your own space to retreat to. I've seen epic fights between partners over the craziest things-- how to cut up an onion, for example. Living together means that you're in each other's space all the time, and while it can seem like it's going to be a giant and amazing slumber party, it also opens up the capacity for a lot of problems that the relationship might not be stable enough to handle.

Questions: Is there a reason why you are all moving in together now? Have you lived with anyone before? What concerns do you all/you have about living together? Are there areas that you think that you'll do really well with? Areas that you think that you'll experience challenges with? What problems have you/they had with roommates in the past, and how did you deal with them?

For myself, I want be sure that living together will bring us closer to a partner, not separate us by accident. Sometimes you can think that someone is going to be GREAT to live with, and then you find out that things aren't as they seem.

For example: my partner and I are extremely neat and tidy people and keep a really clean house. Based on our girlfriend's place when we went to visit her, and when she was at our house, we assumed she was, too. We talked extensively about what everyone wanted before we lived together, and she came over all the time and saw how we kept our home and ran our life, and participated fully in it when she was there. In theory, it was great. In actuality it was a bit of a disaster. Keep in mind that we knew each other for well over a year, and had dated for several months before living together.

Moving in together thrust us into the reality that she had only cleaned the house for us before we came over as guests, but that she lived like a transient on a daily basis; clothes all over the floor, fungus growing in the toilet in her bathroom, overflowing litterbox from her cat that stunk up the entire basement, almost never vacuuming or doing agreed-upon chores that we had split up. We talked about it, had house meetings about it, and in the end, just had to live with it, as it was truly her lifestyle and not ours. It was not an easy experience, and it definitely had a negative effect on our overall relationship, and based on our pre-move-in talks we never expected it to be like that.

Living together is a big step, a HUGE step. Coexisting and sharing a home is a big deal, and it ups the ante in the relationship. This can be a good thing, and communication definitely is at the heart of living together, but my concern is always whether or not your lifestyles ACTUALLY fit together.

For me right now, we have decided that extending individual living situations can keep things exciting and fun for longer, and that if/when we move in with another partner in the future, we will definitely do a trial run before taking any big steps. We have talked about "half-renting" a place together, so that we can share a space while still having our own home to go to with our present partner. I also think it's important to be well out of NRE and have at least one really solid fight/misunderstanding that gets worked out, so that you know you can sort out uncomfortable stuff BEFORE living together.

This might not be the case for you three at all. I thought I'd get my two cents in though, as my mindset has definitely changed around this over the past few years.
 
Thank you again for the insight that you have learned and possibly the hard way. I will take this information back to the group.
 
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